I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

[_Once_Upon_A_Dime_]

It's taking me alot to post on here but here we go...

My names Nicholas, I'm 24yrs old and suffer from Depression, Anxiety & PTSD.

I am seeking advice as title states it all, My current situations pretty much like being stuck in a hole, only each and everyday that holes getting deeper and the chances of getting out get slimmer.

I am here because I wanna overcome this obstical and face my demons, sadly I don't know how to do so..

Let's cut to the chance and what I'm about to tell you only a close friend who I don't speak to anymore & my father who I haven't heard from since Christmas 2016 know about this.

When I was a child around 7-9yrs old (Rough Estimate) I was raped and molested by a neighbor in my street, I was staying over is place with my two older brothers camping out in his back yard, we where sleeping in two separate tents when the assualted had happened and some how managed to keep it a secret from my mum.

I don't know how to escape this hole, It's getting deeper by the minute and the light at the end of It's slowly fading to darkness, I'm stuck helplessly at the bottom of this pit like it's me ment to be my grave, I scream for someone to help but no one hears me, slowly losing faith. Nicholas

[white knight]

Hi Nicholas

I'm glad you wrote in, it would not have been easy. Time to deal with this and seek some help. The only way I can see this happening is to get a referral from your GP to a suitable therapist. And if that isn't to your liking, try another. Determination will pay dividends.

The evil in society cannot be stopped. I found that out as a prison officer in 1978 when in contact with predators. I was 21yo, so young and my eyes were opened. However, there are many adults like me that desire to protect our young but cannot fully do so. I imagine your dad would have felt a failure when you told him of your ordeal.

You are entitled to all your feelings you possess, what ever they are. Anger, resentment etc. You are even entitled to make a complaint to the police. It's all up to you. What ever action you take, pat yourself on the back for being a survivor because being a survivor is the one thing that the perpetrator cannot take away from you. It is reason to be proud.

A purpose in life is crucial IMO. This will distract you. You might not be able to "throw that bag of rocks in the river" but you might seek therapy to learn to leave them by the bank as you continue through life, and a wonderful life it can be. Full of activities, love and care, career, travel etc. So dealing with this event that causes you ongoing trauma is essential. Time to take that step eh.

We are here 24/7 365 days a year. Feel free if you like, to continue to post. What ever you want.

On behalf of all good adults that care and protect our children....I'm sorry this has happened to you. We offer you care and comfort that you are safe and in good hands.

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Nicholas~

Like Tony I'm welcoming you here. This place is special, basically because just about everyone here has suffered one way or another. That makes for care and understanding, not something you get so much in the outside world.

Having an experience like that can take over your life and lead you down all alone into hopelessness. I have the same illnesses, PTSD, depression and anxiety, as you do - but for very different reasons, so while I've no way to relate to what happened to you maybe I can understand the not knowing who you are feelings a bit.

I'd like to tell you I found light at the end. I'm not cured but have a pretty good life with a partner, love, occupation, accomplished and a feeling I'm worth-while. I was a complete suicidal mess. I'm telling you so you know it does not have to end in disaster.

My way out was medical treatment, doctors, psychiatrists, therapy, meds. Plus the support of my partner.

You have set out what happened in burning detail. Not surprising as it must be uppermost in your mind. Could you go on to talk to us more? Not heavy stuff, about your life now. Do you have a family? An occupation? Do you get treatment? All that sort of thing. It's not being nosy, the more one knows the better one can talk.

You said you don't talk to your friend and have not heard from your father. Do you have any idea why?

Tony has said go to the doctors and therapists if you are not doing so now. Well that is spot on, but just as important is what he said after. The professionals have to do you good, they have to click with you and for you to end up having confidence in them. Not always easy, and can take more than one go to find the right people. I was lucky and found those I could open up with over time.

Do you have anyone in your life to be with, who cares and wants to help? I found it made a big difference.

We would really like it if you felt you could keep coming here and talking, we do care

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi Nicholas,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being brave enough to share with others.

How do you feel about putting the words out there? I felt confused. Granted my story is very different to yours but I am worried about you.

Do you have a psychiatrist or psychologist helping you? I ask because when I put my story out there it triggered a lot of awful feelings I needed help to manage. More help than an online forum alone could give me.

Unfortunately many others will understand your story. I'm sorry you feel so alone. Have you looked at the 1in6 or the livingwell websites? There are a lot of resources available for men who have survived sexual abuse and those two sites have a lot of good information. Sorry if you have already looked into them.

I wanted to reply to encourage you. That you are safe here to talk. That noone here will judge you.

Even though I know for myself my mind likes to blame me for the rape no matter what others say... I wanted to say it anyway.

It is not your fault.

Being raped does not make you any less worthwhile or valuable.

Cliche maybe but I struggle with those too so I wanted to remind you there is more to you than what some evil excuse for a human put you through. One day I hope you are able to see this too.

Kind thoughts to you.

Nat

[Doolhof]

Dear Nicolas,

HI. I too welcome you to the community here. I'm so very sorry to read your story, it must have taken guts to write it and hopefully by doing so, that act alone of sharing your anguish may ease you pain and suffering just a little.

Please know that there is absolutely nothing you did that horrible evening to deserve what happened to you! You were taken advantage of by a very sick and disturbed person.

You wrote you have only mentioned this to one friend and your Dad. Do you think you would have the courage to see a councillor or therapist about this? You could print out what you have written here and pass it to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist.

There is a chat on line service here on the forum, have a look at the "Talk it through with us section". You may find it easier to use the email type service.

It is excellent you have made a start and have reached out here. As Croix mentioned, we are all people who have suffered from something. We can help and support you to a certain extent, it may well be very beneficial to receive professional assistance as well.

Suffering from any kind of trauma can be devastating. Sexual abuse is horrendous. You need help with this, you deserve assistance, so please keep looking, keep phoning for appointments, be prepared for the hurt and pain to possibly magnify before it begins to lessen and reduce once you start facing your demons.

None of this was your fault. You were a child. You had no power over this monster. Now you do. Now you can find the strength o deal with what has happened and to reduce the pain within you.

Wishing you the strength you need to face this and to eventually be able to move on. I am not saying you will forget what happened, but you will hopefully find the strength to move forward.

Sincere thoughts of care and concern for you, from (Mrs) Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear Nicholas

Hello and welcome to the forum. I think everyone has welcomed you and it is a sincere welcome. You have been through a dreadful experience and been severely traumatised. Horrible. I hate the thought of anyone being abused but especially children.

It is not you who is disgusting but your attacker. As Tony and Croix have said, please get some professional help. It's not good to carry this burden all your life on your own. No, it will not make it go away but you can find more peace which I think you need.

Quercus has said there is a tendency to blame yourself which I think is because we cannot comprehend how someone would do these things, no matter how old we are. Our children are precious (no matter how cranky we get at times) and we will not allow them to be abused. It is unfortunate you could not tell your mom at the time but an adult threatening to kill your family must have been terrifying.

I suggest you talk to your GP initially and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, preferably one that has experience in dealing with child abuse. It will be a hard road to travel but the rewards for you in peace of mind and the ability to live your life so much more comfortably are enormous.

Meanwhile we are here to share your sadness and support you at any time. As Quercus and Croix have said, we cannot relate directly to your pain but we have all been damaged in some way and can feel your pain because we are also hurting.

Please keep in touch.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Hi Nicolas;

You poor, poor boy. How tragic your young life's been. I was a little older when it happened to me by my dad. I know feelings of helplessness, dread, anger, confusion, betrayal, abandonment, grief and sadness that was in my heart, mind and body at the time, and since.

I won't give any advice here except to write, write and write more. Get it out of your head and soul. Put into words what you've wanted to say, what you need to say...

You were a little boy alone with no-one to save you at the time or beat the crap out of your abuser. Your trust and faith was abused as well as your body.

Little minds don't know how to come back from this. That boy you were then still exists inside of you screaming to be heard and nurtured; to be made whole again.

It can happen Nick. Lean on me...

Talk to me...

Sez (with a nurturing hug)

[White_Rose]

Hello Nicholas

How are you going? Can you write in again and tell us what is happening in your life? We would like to chat to you and help as much as possible. This is not something to carry alone.

Mary

[_Once_Upon_A_Dime_]

Hey guys and girl's alot of you have probably been waiting for a update, So here's what's happen since posting this, Unfortunately after posting this the very next morning I contact mental health to speak to a psychologist or councilor to try get a appointment so I could get this off my chest, unfortunately they where little to no help and have left me still trying to fight this burden with little to no help, I have now got a job and work everyday from 2-9pm and haven't had the time to go see a pyschologist about this matter, I will post a outcome when I can into this matter, the actual original of this post was way longer but didn't meet the guidelines of this site so this post had alot of editing however it's as close as it will be to the actual original post

[Doolhof]

Hi Once upon a dime,

Usually to make an appointment to see a psychologist you need a Drs referral. Have you been to your GP to ask for a referral and to ask for suggestions where else you could get some help? The Dr may be able to provide you with a Mental Health Care plan.

You could see if there is some Sexual Health organisations in your area or a number you could call to talk to someone. If you call the Beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636 they may be able to assist you with specific people to help in your region as well.

Congratulations on getting a job! That is excellent!

Cheers from Dools