Parentification and enmeshment in families

[Bubs1954]

Hi all, I’m new here and have been faced with the issue of parentification and enmeshment in my family.

I wonder has anyone else gone through or know about this topic?

An article was sent to me by my adult daughter who has withdrawn from the family. Unfortunately the article was like a mirror to me and A lot of it was true, both for me and my daughter. I have spoken to my GP to find some help to work through this, as I now see that I am broken too. My GP sent me here until I can get some one to one councilling and help.

DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW OF THIS TOPIC either as a survivor or lived experience or just knowing about this

thanks Bubbs

[white knight]

Hi Bubs, welcome

I assume your daughter has identified this situation, being ultra close and "joined at the hip" so to speak, with you and hence she has withdrawn. I'll base that on my response.

My sister and I have a now estranged mother (havent seen her for 11 years, she's 90yo). When I was a teen one of the several reasons I left home at 17yo to join the air force was to break free from our mothers clutches that was proving difficult to tolerate. My sister 5 years younger sadly was turning into a parrot, echoing her every word and as a force of two were very powerful as my sister enabled her behaviour. So after 3 years I returned home and after only a few months I was on the receiving end of their wrath... again. So I moved out.

When my sister turned 25yo (one baby) she suddenly broke free and the arguments began between them. It's like a switch went off in her head. Later she informed me that she had no identity apart from our mothers personality. Suddenly it was paranoia and she began to reject anyone having dealings with mother, eventually even me. She moved interstate and for 7 years she had zero contact. Any letters sent to her (I knew where she was) were ignored. I'd heard she made a suicide attempt (so have I, we both have bipolar and likely mother has something like BPD)

Eventually she return to all of our lives with 2 more kids. I began to learn the feeling of such attachment as mother clung to me. Mother also however had manipulative ways and triangulated the two of us, pitting us against each other. Eventually my sister and I had to put a stop to that and that was the end, we knew to find peace we had to cut ties with our mother.

I'm not saying you are evil nor comparing, just giving you insight to how things can develop from one extreme to the other.

I would say that your relationship "depth" is not normal levels and has the hallmark of pending disaster. Of course this would not be known at the time and only now has the whole situation presented itself. Thankfully for you your daughter has explained the basics of the problem.

My suggestion is to write to her, the contents should display understanding of the adverse effects upon her of too much attachment, that you were unaware of the harm etc. You could then tell her you meant no ill intent and one day she might consider a form of contact that would place her in a content place starting off at once every 2 months a coffee at a cafe.

Baby steps. Allow her control of contact and wait.

TonyWK

[Bubs1954]

Thank you for your lived experience and sorry you had to go through it.

yes I loved her too much, so stiffling her the chance to develop her own identity, autonomy and authentical self apparently which HAS manifested in her being a chronic people pleaser, perfectionist and susceptible to codependency relationships. (This is what brought her to this place due to her divorce and getting therapy)

sMothering is an interesting concept and is seen as child emotional abuse! As too much love (from the outside it seems an idyllic relationship but the relationship is entwined in a toxic way) creating a confusing emotional bind for the child that errodes the ability for the child to identify or honour their own feelings.

of course this was never my intention, as I had the same sMothering when I was growing up but just could not identify it, which unfortunately has produced the same effects in me. I know I have for years identified some issues but had no understanding or make sense as to why! I saw so many truths most of the words explained a lot of those issues in my life ever since I was a little girl extending to the present day.
The things that shaped the way I act, interact and respond to feelings, actions and relationships.

I now realise its time to accept that, I did what I knew because I was taught and conditioned to do it. And now its time to relearn and work on doing better.

wishing you peace and healing

I had a mirror placed in front of me today, and

[white knight]

Thankyou for your reply.

Reading your post I cant help but be happy you can reflect and not go down the road of denial, a road my mother chose. Such extreme denial only poses an unworkable result.

You might use the option of sending her this thread. Just a thought. Acknowledging your own upbringing and willingness to repair your relationship with your daughter in a better workable distance is a good plan and one that could save much heartache in the future. However be aware that your daughters decisions could be disappointing in the near future and it could take a long time before she moves towards you. That needs a plan-

Not unlike other disruptions in life like marriage separation, grief etc after an initial grief period we have to climb out of that abyss to find happiness. Traditional happiness includes love, affection but also distractions and variety. Essentially a life that is full of activities.

My wife and I have caravanning, vintage cars, slot cars, train sets, attending cafes, day trips to the beach and so on. Our daughter is 3 hours away so that distance is far but manageable for how often we meet up.

So here is a thread on the topic that you only need to read the first post if you want.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety

I hope that helps.

TonyWK