I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Interesting information about skull and resonance.

Yes I can be open to other opinions from others and listen to opposing views but some things are off limits.
while I’ve been checked out in my relationship trying to deal with an untenable situation I let things slide. Didn’t need more stress or strife now I’m free to make a stand and say my peace He is closed to opposing views right now and also irritable.
im in my head a bit more after getting some news about my son. I’m unable to help him and really shouldn’t even if I could but it doesn’t stop me from fantasising on the what if’s. There’s some things you can’t undo. I’m also unable to comprehend what is the true person and how could they love and act in certain ways. I suppose I want to wish it all away. Is this part of my illness inability to see things as they are. My son accused me of living in a fantasy world and a whole heap of other derogatory things but that hit home when he said that. He was trying to get his own way at the time about something else but I thought yes I do and thought he’s never going to stop using me and walking all over me. Now my fantasy is he’s changed and got better and I might be able to be a family again. Psychologist said I don’t need to understand him or his illness all I need to know is he only cares about his feelings and his feelings of entitlement and it won’t change. Big sigh

I’m going to talk to psychologist about these feelings and emotions and how I still feel protective of him. I read that’s what creates a narcissist one abusive parent and one overly protective parent. Too late now I already loved that boy to where he is now. I’m still blaming myself for everything and the blame hasn’t gone I’ve just pushed it below the surface. I gave my children the protection I never had and how did I know what is the appropriate amount. In my logic I see I did my best but as he said to me it wasn’t good enough and I should never have had children.
I sat with mum and held her hand while she watched a cartoon movie I think she recognised me. The carers said she was having a good day. It was a good visit. The bad sister messaged me said she had a picture of mum when she was young and she wanted to send to me. I wonder what she wants now. Usually she wants something but probably the photo will never arrive and she will say she sent it. There’s always an angle.
My sleep is worse but water consumption and exercise is better and diet is better.

[mmMekitty]

Unreasonable is unreasonable, yeah. big sigh indeed.

IIt seems to me, you did your best, giving your child what you thought would be good for him, because lacking protection in your own childhood, you know how bad that is. It's understandable to want to parent differently, & do things which weren't done for you. I'm sure I would have done that, too, or I might have also slipped into behaving pretty much as my parents had towards me. I may well have swung fromfrom one extreme to the other, which would have been disastrous for any child of mine.

Good night, Mum Chris, & I'm just dimming the light, okay? If you need anything, I'm in the next room.

Think warm,fuzzy puff balls bouncing on my sleepy me. 💤

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Good morning

Another week of work looming. I’m limping really bad and pain is at an 8 I don’t take painkillers. It’s not new but it’s spread and I do need to get to dr.
I go over what’s caused flare up will I need more steroids and is it getting worse and I don’t want to take anything for it they make me speedy and I don’t sleep worse. I’m not sleeping well now and my stomach is a mess. Frustrating

See psychologist this Friday and not looking forward to it she’s really not that helpful. I’m going but I need to find someone that’s a little more invested in helping me with solutions. It’s through my work and she seems checked out. It’s 3 sessions only and if I want to continue I have to pay. If I’m paying I want someone that deals with trauma and can help me understand but also heal my brain from the injury trauma causes. I’m tired thinking about it.
ive got a feeling like being on a seesaw and I suppose it’s anxiety tried a meditation tape and that helped a bit. I have a feeling of dread like something unexpected is going to happen.
Hope everyone has a good day

[Mum Chris]

Hi

psychologist was today I nearly missed it. I like her now and she gave me some real direction and I can see her 1 more time. We discussed treatment options she like tapping and emdr and will help me find one near me. She suggested spacing appointments out by 6 weeks so I get a chance to rest between. She also told me to not interfere or try and help my sons situation. My empathy and love will not help anything and I agree. My sons solicitor told me he’s suffering and it really upset me. They are not supposed to do that and psych said it’s to manipulate me and soften me so he can get a lighter sentence. I’m still in shock and not able to help me and I’m suffering really badly I mean what a crap thing to do to me. Both of them his solicitor and him. I loved him and tried to help him and he took advantage of me and set out to hurt me because he couldn’t get his way. That’s the simple reason but it was so confused and insane. Threats of self harm from him and I’d give him anything. I was at his mercy and was running from work to home to make sure he had everything and didn’t get upset. What a waste of time. I forced my husband to shut up and put up with it and all the insanity and he was going downhill living in the nightmare. Drinking and detaching from me and our home.
I need to remember what actually happened and how terribly unhappy I was and how I felt powerless.
I saw a YouTube thing on magical thinking and people with CPTSD and I think I do that. I live in fantasy and don’t acknowledge reality. I pretend everything is ok and I equate my thoughts and feelings as others thoughts and feelings. If someone is treating me with disrespect and putting me down and it’s someone I love then I only see love and think they didn’t mean it and they appreciate my patience and love. Magical thinking.
I have a bit of work to do and I have healing to do.
I’m finding it easier to talk out and get my feelings across to my husband and I don’t have to write it down now He’s easy to do that he’s stubborn as hell but will just let most things go and nod and agree with me. He can’t watch the news these days without having a rant so I band the news. One of his most annoying traits. He can sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow and that’s annoying too.
I’m in pain and autoimmune is flared up I’m not happy about it and have enjoyed not being on heaps of drugs. Not much sleep due to pain. I took a mild pill tonight to see if low dose can reduce the pain so I can sleep.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

It is very hard. People judge others by themselves, if one is kind person one expects kindness , if one is dishonest one expect others will be dishonest too.

You are a loving person and find it so hard to realise your son and his solicitor are not like you. Rather they are like water, always finding the weakest cracks to seep though, where it is self-interest rahter that water.

Sometimes this is almost impossible to accept, other times it rebounds as self-blame, then again it can be ignoring the obvious and clinging to the impossible.

So you may have fantasies all will be well. I had them too over my parents, sadly it never happened. I have them over other situations, such as my spine will magic itself better - not possible.

All of the above is part of being a human being, and you are gradually reaching a state where distress will be OK (can't speak for your physical conditions of course as I know little about them)

I'm glad your psych is clicking with you , and also there is the prospect of a couple of new therapies on the horizon.

When you consider all you have faced and are facing, first you have a pretty clear idea of circumstances and what needs doing , and secondly you have a lot in you to be admired -plus you help others where you can (with success)

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris, (with a nod to Croix),

Sorry I am so late, & I'm not sure what to say. My first was to wonder what that solicitor was thinking? It doesn't sound Professionally Unethical to be speaking to you as if on behalf of your son, but not strictly about legal matters. Your son is an adult now,& therefore, if he is in any distress, he needs to take responsibility for that, & not try on the emotional blackmail you describe, nor should he send his solicitor to do that for him. Outrageous

But you don't need that from me.

I'm glad you went to see your Psychologist today, & that it went well for you. You have a plan, things to try,& you communicated well. I was concerned from the previous post because you said you were seeing the Psychologist Friday, & not looking forward to it, & you said she was not helpful. .

I'm a little confused. Did you get the days wrong, or is the Psychologist you saw today a different person to the one you said you were seeing Friday?

I'm getting tired again. Soon I'll be having 3 snoozes per day, on top of whatever sleep I get overnight. I don't know if if this frequent tiredness is due to my condition or stress, which IS due to my condition. Whichever, I'm having more & more difficulty concentrating on what I'm doing. It is taking a long time to think & write, or anything & everything.

Your #1 priority is yourself, Mum Chris. It's nice to consider hubby, & just my opinion, but is an off-hand nod & casual agreement with you, when you want to have a discussion enough? That doesn't sound like a 'discussion' to me.

Care & kindness, from you to you, 😸

& I hope you get some good sleep.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I got days wrong for the psychologist. I knew it was 29th but thought it was Friday but Friday there’s a big deal happening that stresses me out. So why I thought Friday I have no idea except I’m tired from lack of sleep and I have vitamin deficiency. My usual detailed memory is a bit awash with confusion. I probably don’t like seeing the psychologist and any psychologist for some reason. First time I saw her I was a mess after and then it was just on the phone for 30mins and I cried most of the time and Monday I had some real questions and she was very direct and answered. Also I was distressed by the solicitor. I don’t think my son asked her to try and get me to vary the order I have to communicate through solicitor and I had to ask a question and I think she just thought she’d have a go. Also I’m super sensitive and I overreact

overreacting and getting disorientated and freaking out is my illness and it doesn’t take much. I’m always bubbling under the surface and I can take one comment and run with it till I’m crying and jumping at every noise.

Im glad you can nap sleep heals. Feeling fatigued is another thing and hard to cope with and maybe your gp can check for deficiencies or inflammation.
im getting B12 next week and I’m on a heap of daily vitamins that I don’t seem to be absorbing.
im working really hard so much to do and I’m responsible for a lot and have to make decisions. I caught myself today actually working near to my previous ability. I’m still easily distracted

Hubby is not perfect he’s struggling too and I’m intense. I want him to agree with me and that’s all I can cope with so he nods and retreats. He’s stubborn too and he really feels the strain of the loss of half our family and he’s scared I’m not going to survive. He occasionally checks out and is difficult and grumpy too. He lets me be me and never imposes his will on me. I can’t say the same. I am trying to be kind to him and not complain all the time. He’s totally taken over the cooking and dishes and shopping. So there is a lot of work needed on our communication but I’m not strong enough to work on that yet.
im still in the twilight zone and the black and white tv version.
im finding funny shows are helping distract me from my thoughts.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris,

I forget stuff like that so much I must keep a calendar with all appointments, even when I have to go get things from the Chemistmist,& when & what times I'm my helper is coming, if it changes from the usual. & another document for shopping, another for other things I need to do, too. & then I have to remember to look & see what's coming up.

Sometimes I think when I wake up or during the day, that the present day is actually another day. Like today, wihch is Wednesday, I may have thought was Tuesday, or Thursday, & take some minutes to work it out, usually by recalling what shows I watched on tele the night before. tomorro I migiht be remembering what shows I mostly missed while resting/snoozing, instead! Fortunately, when I remember, my phone will tell me what day it is. Also, fortunately, this does not happen often.

My PDr reckons it is definitely anxiety related, sometimes panic will do it too, in certain situations, which I've mentioned to him. It feels so strange to feel so convinced, but when I realise there is a problem, & think it through, it feels rather embarrassing, especially if I was insisting to someone about the day.

*

I don't understand why you seem to be blaming yourself, when it was the solicitor who began behaving in unprofessionally. You had a question, which she may have had an answer she could politely give, or politely tell you she could not answer the question, either straight away or later, she could still be polite, & behave professionally. In any conversations with her , you have a right to be treated with professional courtesy, & respect. If your son can't be civil, she ought to communicate any necessary relevant legal information or questions to you, politely. The fact she didn't is on her, not you.

*

I wonder if you & hubby have ever thought to go to counselling together?

What would your feelings be on that?

Virtual hugs & a hot chocolate, ☕

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Being dissorientated is something i can relate to and fogetting the day. Its a little bit scary sometimes. i have an awesome memory and can remember fine details but there's some things now that are not very clear. I also have dreams and I think its real and I have to ask my husband did we do such and such and we hadn't. The gap between real and dream has blurred.

I am not having a good day, I cried all the way to work and I look like I slept rough. I did sleep last night so not sure whats going on. My head is crowded with childhood pain and current pain. I grabbed a safe person and spilled my guts and they said do I know why and i said NO! They said do you feal relief after crying and I said NO! Then someone talked over the top of me like I wasn't there and ghosted me twice! BUT I also had people come to me today and tell me how great I was and how they relied on me so much and said thank you to me and guess which one impacts me the most. i am actually in my office crying and have a lump in my throat and sweating. I feel like I am having a breakdown whatever that is!! My jaw hurts and I am sick of me.

When will this stop and why does it have to be this way. I am under so much stress that I can't breathe.

I am trying to take deep breaths and I wll go get some water. If anyone asks why my face is red I will say hayfever. I am trying to not be CPTSD dissregulated and emotional and am telling myself its my illness and I am triggered.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mum Chris,

We're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Please know that you can reach out to our lovely counsellors on 1300 22 4636, they're really good at talking people through moments like this.

It sounds like you've taken some really important steps, finding someone safe to talk to, finding a safe space to take deep breaths and drink water. Sharing here is a great step also, so thank you for your bravery and openness.

We're sure you'll hear from the community once they spot this, but in the meantime we wanted to let you know there are some really good grounding techniques here on the Blue Knot Foundation's website, in case you'd like to try them or be reminded of some ideas.

We hope that helps, Mum Chris. Feel free to check back in if you feel comfortable to. We're here for you. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M