I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris, I can't say why we seem bound to respond as we do, just know, this much upset will not continue on & on. It may not feel like all the crying is doing any good - I often feel iit s more a nuisance & makes me more miserable to have my nose clogged, & my face wet, & being unable to speak, but when that eases again, I have felt better for just being able to sit myself up again,& get on with whatever it was I had been doing. & I can do that. Recognising I can do all that crying & then being able to function again is so reassuring, I do feel better. So, please, know it will not break you.

It really is one of those questions about why humans have this response at all. It feels so debilitating I can't imagine what evolutionary benefit there is to it. So, I must accept, it is what it is.

Keep breathing as best you can, taking care to really focus on each inhalation & exhalation. That's part of the exercise, to focus on feeling of the breath in & out,how it swells & contracts the lungs, the feeling of the air, etc.

here, for you, I have more of these ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ from the ones Jo has been sharing.

You did good today, seeking out your safe person, going for some water, reaching out to us here & you know, as I am able, I will be here for you.

Are you able to explore what it was that triggered you?

😻 mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

OK you are frustrated and unhappy yourself yourself, crying, memory not 100%, easily set off, and lots more. A huge burden to carry, which you do, together with doing your job. You type cast yourself "CPTSD dissregulated and emotional" and fail to see the soldier you are, one who is recuperating after serious injury.

When I start to feel overwhelmed I do not try to 'power on though', I use whatever I can, and that normally starts by using a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. I don't think I've mentioned it to you before, my apologies if I have.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

This has a huge collection of exercises on it, all designed to make you concentrate on the here and now - and break the chain of thoughts that is distressing you. It has a surprisingly calming effect for a while after too.

It does not really matter what those thoughts were or what caused them, this allows you to step away.

There's no such thing as a free lunch, I'm afraid you have to practice, and that does take a little determination. However the app has something to suit everyone, including one exercise that nags me just enough to catch my mind every time it starts to wander - which is often (plus the horrible background music can be switched off:)

After using it I try to have something prepared to launch into before the original thoughts return.

Even if you have looked at it before please try again.When things go pair-shaped you will not feel like using it, practice helps you reach for it anyway.

On another front you mentioned about your husband "he’s scared I’m not going to survive." May I ask does he think you will put too much strain on your body (Smiling Mind would help thereto ease that strain) or does he think you will kill yourself? (Sorry to be blunt, I do have a reason for asking.)

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I figured out what triggered me and I resisted all urges to run home and hide. I went to gym and out to dinner.

it’s good to know it gets easier because this roller coaster ghost train I’m on is doing my head in.
ive taken a melatonin and am hoping for sleep.
Thank you for the hearts I will gratefully take those.
good night 🥱😴💤💤💤💤🛌

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

A lot to unpack there and I will read again in the morning good to have recourses and something to practice.
He has voiced concerns about the impact on my health when he’s witnessed me in full distress mode. He’s also called the ambulance when I gave up but I promised to not give up again. I meant it. I also think he thinks I’m stuck in a loop and I’m not getting progress. But I may be wrong about that.
I like the idea of being a soldier fighting for my life really. For my freedom

The power of the down turn and the overwhelming emotions is a lot. Then I don’t know what is real and what is me obsessing. I can’t trust my emotions and judgment so I try to not react and I interact as little as possible.

Im very tired now got a mild headache and hopefully will sleep

Thank you for responding I will read everything in the morning and regroup.
🥱💤

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I think you are perfectly capable of seeing what was intended by others, but perhaps not to the right degree. This was one of my troubles and as you say can lead to overreaction. As you become more used to yourself (which is sadly not an instant process:( then you may be able to loosen up and interact more.

It's not 100%, at least for me even now, and I still tend to miscalculate a bit at times and react accordingly, but it is within acceptable limits and I can enjoy interactions where before I used to avoid them.

The reason I asked about your husband's concern for you is if he had at the back of his mind you might take your life or self-harm. After all it is OK to take someone's word they will do nothing, but that does not really stop the worry.

One of the best way's I've found to stop a loved one's worry -or at least tone it down a notch - is to let them feel they have some measure of control.

There is a Safety Plan called Beyondnow. It's free, fits on a smart phone and is a no-brainer to reach for if overwhelmed or if one, like me, has been frightened of what one might do.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

The idea is you fill it in on a good day, or at least start the process. True it has all the usual things; people to contact, emergency numbers and all of that, however it's real strength is it allows you to list things that you have enjoyed, given you a lift, or simply distracted you. I have lots of specific YouTube clips, specific music, specific books, specific places to go and more on mine.

You wonder why I keep saying 'specific'. That's because when in that situation the brain can't really think and needs to be guided. No use saying "watch the Muppets", say instead "watch The Muppets Chrsitmas Carol wiht Michael Caine". OK, so you don't like the Muppets -its just an example to give you the idea.

It can be very hard to come up with the things you enjoyed - which is where a loved one comes in, they can remember for you and help you enter them - this gives them a small measure of participation and hopefully a little less worry knowing you have avenues to go down they helped build.

It is not static, it is a movable feast, as you get sick of one thing and discover another you change the content to match - and always specific.

So what so you think? Something doable that might pay off both with yourself and your husband?

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I had a terrible night about 2 hours sleep in 2 goes. I woke in terror and thought someone was in the house. All rooms were checked nothing but the dog then I couldn’t sleep up and down all night and then woke up crying from a nightmare.
I had decided to stay home but I went to work.
Hello from the roller coaster

The waterworks and loud and blubbery and I have taken a sedative and a pill to lower my blood pressure and cortisol or whatever it does. I was very upset and needed assistance. I cant go into what is triggering me but it’s intense and real.
im glad there’s no alcohol in the house or I’d surely dived into that to escape the pain.
Had a great talk to my younger brother we shared information about childhood and our abuse and how he got to a place of healing. Well he said sort of healing and he put it behind him. He’s religious so I think that helps him.
This roller coaster is making me dizzy all the twist and turns ups and downs. I’m getting better I can laugh now but I can also laugh while crying.
im still grieving the loss of family even though it’s for my own good I miss them. I learned to segregate people’s bad behaviour and focus on their good behaviour. It helped that I was taught I was being dramatic or difficult if I complained about verbal abuse or emotional abuse. After all I wasn’t perfect how can I judge others.
I also remembered that I used to have out of proportion feelings like I was not normal size and I moved slow and was not the same as my surroundings. It was terrifying it would happen if lot in my room while on my own Talking to my brother we were able to cross check truths and lies.
Tonight was a great night and then I get a message and boom I had to wake poor husband up I need help freak out and try to calm down.
I honestly don’t know what I would do without the forum it calms me writing and I can do it in the dark and not disturb anyone.
Husband said next time I wake him for a noise I will come with him to see nothing there he wants me out of the shadows. So I can see I’m safe there’s nothing there.
sounds like a plan.

[mmMekitty]

I hear you, Mum Chris, & want just to let you know that. I'll write more after I (hopefully) get some sleep myself.

Please, if you need to talk straight away,call BB's own counselling service on:

1300 22 46 36

Warm virtual hugs,

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

There is definitely a good time to take a sedative and I think I found the sweet spot. I slept and when I woke up I was told time for more sleep I put on a meditation tape and slept again. I woke up panicked and crying I dreamt I lost my dog while I was going for a group therapy session. Anyway it’s a dream he’s here beside me and I have a plan for today. Things to do places to be.
The realisation on how injured I am is setting and I see that a quick fix may not be my journey. Adjusting my mindset and suck it up may be ok for some things. Not this.
I was considering ringing help line but I put on a funny show and let the sedative put me to sleep.

😴😴😴

[mmMekitty]

Good Morning Mum Chris, (with a wave to Croix),

I'm glad you got some good sleep in there , somewhere. I know when I get some sleep, even a couple hours, my mood is considerably lifted. But it only seems for a while. Tha'ts how it is I guess. So when I get tired, when I get very cranky, I need the snooze.

& I see here, today, you have an avatar picture. 😺, but 😾, what is it ? Can you tell me about it, & why did you choose this image? I am curious, but will be fine if you don't want to answer.😸

I do like the idea of representing myself, but not with a literal self-portrait online. When I could see better & painted, I was loathe to paint myself in realistic terms. I kinda wish I had, now, because it would be interesting to see how my views of myself changed over the years. Just like looking at old writing, & the tings I would write about, how I wrote, all seems to have changed some, & I still have some writers' bad habits to watch for - those are so persistent, like certain ways of thinking & interpreting what is happening around & within us.

*

Good thing there was no alcohol to hand last night. Alcohol & sedatives are not a good combo. Not sure about the cortisol. Maybe find out what that is for, instead of simply taking it because it is there? These small things may look harmless, but may not be under certain circumstances. Since you can't recall what it is for, I wonder how old it is, & if it has been in the cupboard for a long time? Your local Chemist or your GP can advise you.

My guess is it didn't cause harm - you are okay this morning after all.

*

You certainly had a rough night, but, in the end, you found ways to cope. Seems the funny shows work a treat.😺

I think Croix's suggestion of BB's safety plan, that he mentioned above, would be excellent for you.

(hahaha, I like Muppets, & The Muppets Christmas Carol is a favourite, by the way.😺Wish that was on tele, with audio description.)

*

I know how hard it is to convince yourself you are safe. What you are experiencing is a really strong echo of what was real.

I hope you realise that, given the strong feelings, you coped pretty goodly, Mum Chris,😺

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris (with a wave to passing felines)~

I'm pleased to see you have put up an avatar, I'm hoping it means you feel more established and at home here. I also think that "Turmoil" might be a good and graphic choice, my only hesitation being the bars should be a half open gate, you are not sealed off from hope and a better future, even if it does take time. If I can reach recover, I'm sure you can.

Maybe then you can use Jasjot's landscape with a stream, just right for meditation on a leaf as it is swept along, This was a technique taught me in an experiment on mindfulness. It sort of worked though I prefer Smiling Mind:)

Perhaps waking you husband and having him conduct you around to show there is no threat, perhaps also just his presence with you will be a calming influence. Trying to go it alone is not always the best way to be, one can be easily convinced threats are real rather than symptoms when there is nobody to walk with you.

In my own job, due to the people I had been dealing with, it was exceedingly hard, even in the light of day, to see what was fact and what was me.

I'm glad you have had your brother as a fellow traveler, it does help to have someone.

I'd have to echo that passing feline:

"you coped pretty goodly, Mum Chris"

Croix