I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mum Chris,

We’re so sorry to hear about what’s going on for you and your family right now. That must be incredibly difficult. It sounds like there’s a lot going on, and we’re glad you could share this here. 

Please remember you can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9-5 (AEDT). Their counsellors are great at talking things through and understanding complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. The Beyond Blue helpline is here for you as well, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress. There’s also our friends over at 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732 or via webchat here.

We also think it could be useful for you to call Carers Australia on 1800 422 737. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk. 

We’re glad you’re finding the support of the counsellor is helpful. It sounds like you’re working hard and making some really inspiring steps towards feeling better.

Please don't be sorry for the downer, this community and our counsellors are here for you, and you're more than welcome to share here. We really appreciate the strength it takes to do so. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their kind words and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Mum Chris]

Hi Sophie

I didn’t know about those services I will check it out. Thank you

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

thank you for the nice words and I have been told I am very strong and loving too but I think it’s that I’m on a treadmill and life keeps coming and I keep moving. I tend to crumple when I’m alone and just let all the terrible thoughts and fears crush me. I do need to get some control over my thoughts and I will check that app out.
I was very angry with my husband he was at first pushing me to stand up to my son and put in some boundaries etc and then when he saw that it was not going to get better he wanted me to tell my son to leave and after that didn’t happen he wanted to leave and I was forcing him to stay. I knew that without my husband there I would be in a more dangerous situation. Sometimes I would be lying next to my husband while he slept and would hear noises and an evolving dangerous situation and know he would protect me physically. He couldn’t protect my emotions because I wouldn’t let go of trying to fix my son. I was completely trapped. I wanted my husband to agree with me and he didn’t he saw extreme unacceptable narcissistic behaviour that was dangerous and normal people remove themselves from the situation. Now my husband has signs of trauma too and may need therapy. We both have cried and he nearly lost me when I tried to hurt myself. It took a long time for him to feel safe leaving me alone. He checks on me and gives me massive compliments talks about plans for future. Our relationship did become sick and he did put too much pressure on me but what could anyone do he was in a no win situation. I’m sad panicking and terrified of everything and he sad and angry at himself and my son for hurting me. My son is a full grown adult and he moved home and took over our life and I had this pre existing PTSD and went into survival mode and my husband was shocked and confused because I was not me anymore. I was in a war trying to stay safe and not be killed I was a little weak girl again. Not strong independent woman years of therapy had enabled me to be. He married healthy strong giggly me and within 3 years of my son being home I was this new person that would fly into an hysterical panic and try and keep quiet. I was totally sick again.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

OK you may feel being told you have a inner core of strenght is a bad match and not deserved, you put it another way "I’m on a treadmill and life keeps coming and I keep moving" which I guess is the same thing, just seems less complimentary. And if you crumple when alone OK, different face with others.

Still you do keep on moving. And that is the same person who has it inside her to respond to therapy and become a "healthy strong giggly me" when given the chance.

You are judging yourself too hard, (I fell into that trap too). CPTSD is a big injury, and you cannot judge yourself as if you did not have that injury. You are trying for your son, and your husband, your reactions may not be what you might ideally like, but your are still keeping moving.

From whay you have said I'm uncertain if your husband is a loving type and really concerned about you. I'm going to assume he is - if I'm assuming too much let me know.

Suggesting boundaries is pretty standard, and if you are in constant distress watching you is painful, as is wondering if you are going to harm yourself or even take your life. Under those circumstances either leaving to get away from the pain, or demanding the source of your distress be sent away is understandable - if ineffective against a mother's love.

He may have taken a long time to allow himself to leave you alone, it may well be that fear is still there though he might mask it a bit more. If so have you considered including him in a Safety Plan - something I have and think most people who self harm or think of trying to take their lives should have

I suggest BeyondNow, free for a smartphone

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It is surprisingly hard to fill in, not so much the obvious emergency contacts, but the self-care bits you can do yourself. I found I needed someone else to help me remember what they were - things I had enjoyed, been calmed and soothed by. I have specific YouTube clips, specific books, movies and other activities. Specific is important as when in distress the brain does not think well

If you let him in to help with that - and not just the once, but look out for different things as time goes on then he may feel a comfort in that he is helping and has a tiny measure of say in what happens. Does this seem reasonable to you?

I'm running out of space and do not wish to overload you with my experiences in one message anyway.

I hope we can keep on talking

Croix

.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

thank you I did appreciate being told I have strength and am doing well etc. it often falls flat in front of me and I cover it with self hatred. I have a lot of that. I’m very secretive and hide what’s happening and don’t include anyone in on what’s happening. I take the emotional blow and pretend nothing happened. Had a phone call recently that was immensely disturbing and threatened my safety and didn’t tell my husband. A few days later I was another mess and finally told him and he said I’m so sorry that happened you shouldn’t have to deal with that. I do need to let him in and I will look at what you suggested.
I feel my pain is mine to deal with and not to share maybe. I do need a safety plan as I can go from ok to not so fast. I never thought about that I have an asthma plan so why not a safety plan for my mental health. I also have a safety plan and extra security and a safe room for my physical safety. I have hundreds of intrusive thoughts that keep me fairly busy and I tend to sit so we have been watching comedies and eating healthy. The shows stop the chatter and the foods yum. I’m a practical person and doing things and planning does make me feel safe. I have a wonderful dog too that is very caring he’s within arms reach all the time he follows me everywhere and won’t leave my side. He saw everything and was glued to my husband for safety after and since I ended up needing ambulance and was gone he’s been my offsider. If he sees me getting upset he stands in front of me and stares in my face. He’s an angel i pat him and say sorry I’m ok. Best anxiety medicine ever

FYI my husband is not perfect he’s just a quiet guy he’s not a bully can be selfish and annoying. He’s a terrible communicator so that’s awesome with me being shutdown.
today was a good day one of my best I felt more in control unburdened maybe.

[Mum Chris]

I think I took over someone else’s posts. Still getting used to the forum.
I’m feeling sad and alone again and I’m shutting out my husband. I can see he’s getting hurt but I can’t help him. I’m also brutally honest just now. I save my nice for work.
how does everyone deal with personal relationships when your/my outlook is so bleak. Do I smile and make a joke and pretend. I’m home and a blubbering sad mess.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris ~

You asked "how does everyone deal with personal relationships when your/my outlook is so bleak"

OK, all I can do is tell you what happened to me and my wife. I was in the worst throes of PTSD, anxiety and depression, and not a nice person to be with at all, no 'nice' mask there. Being overtaken by the past, withdrawn, no intimacy, wanting to be by myself, snarling and resentful - angry.

My wife started off being very hurt at my seeming rejection of her, also she got it in her head she was at least partly responsible for my behaviour -utter nonsense. I don't know how she stuck it out, the only up-side was she had her mum for support.

I knew I was being a b. I felt very bad about it even when angry and just wanting to be alone. I took her to my psych who explained to her that my behaviour was a well known set of symptoms for my illness -and NOT her fault.

At the same time I had moments when I genuinely wanted to make things better for her, the best I could manage though was the occasional cuppa unasked. As I had the shakes a lot ended up in the saucer, still she got my message.

When later on I asked her why on earth she stayed she simply said 'love'.

Dunno if that helps

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Croix

thats so sweet you have a keeper. I opened my safety plan downloaded and filled out yesterday and shared with hubby. He went downhill yesterday and was not supportive loving self. I think it was a bit hard to read my danger signs. When I land on a psych I can stay with I’m going to drag him to a session just so he can understand. He used to say in the good times about me that I was laughter and giggles and 3 seconds later tears and I’d shake it off and then I’d be laughing again. That was healthy me. After a massive sustained drawn out trauma that had nothing to do with him now to him I’m not recognisable. I’m full CPTSD and my head is busy and I jump at slightest noise, crying and stopped talking. When he speaks to me and I can’t understand what he’s saying it’s like he’s speaking another language. I just look at him say what why are you telling me this really do I need to understand your computer files it’s all gibberish. He still has interests and tries to involve me.
Tonight I realised I was crying and confused and couldn’t speak so I followed my plan. Hugged my dog listened to relaxation music and positive affirmations and then went found him and we went to vege patch for a walk outside.
It shocks me how dark I can get how did I let this happen to me. It’s a constant struggle to stop being overwhelmed. I wanted to check in to a hospital just to rest and get help some days I’m really not ok. Instead I took time off work I’m going to go gym have a massage and spend time with mum who’s in a hospice with end stage dementia. So the mum that didn’t protect me I’ve been caring for and protecting her. I just can’t hate her she’s turned into a lovely sweet woman and I go play baby dolls with her. She can’t talk but loves toy dogs and baby dolls. I was told to say goodbye to her last month and we stopped all her meds and she’s still with us. 2020 and 2021 have been a lot for me and nothing to do with anything except family toxic relationships.
My in-laws have stepped in recently and adopted me and have been dropping in and helping me with yard work and hugs when they found out. When I was a bit stronger I let them know a bit of what had happened and they instantly understood my pain. They don’t push they know I’m not ok they just turn up. Anyway rambling

[Mum Chris]

mmMekitty

I didn’t know about the help line I will call maybe Monday my first day home alone. Always a danger time for me.
I slept last night not all night but I feel like I got a rest.
I’m still very fearful that I’m going to be hurt again. Will I be able to defend myself and protect myself and I realised no probably not. I feel I’ve lost 50% of my family because of a toxic person and situation I was unable to fix. I still love them and I miss what I wanted my family to be. I don’t miss the control and the intimidation and being put down or being sworn at and threatened. I don’t miss not knowing if I was going to be in a dangerous situation today or not. I don’t miss having strangers brought into my house all hours of the night and day. There’s so much I’m so happy to be free of but I’m left feeling powerless and scared and sooooo sad. I have a counsellor and she talks to me about physical safety issues like calling the police as soon as bail conditions are breached she calls to check that nothings happened but she talks about entitlement that’s what has happened to me. Individuals feel they are entitled to hurt take use or whatever and the damage that does to your mind body and emotions. How it steals your voice and takes the air out of your lungs. It’s exactly how it is for me. The air around me gets sucked away and I’m powerless and voiceless. My GP talks about and treated the cortisol and heart rate and blood pressure issues and the huge damage poor sleep does to your health. Without the toxic environment I only need pills at night to help me sleep. They sort of work but I have terrible nightmares so I started listening to relaxation and positive affirmations while I sleep and I think it’s helping. im really not sure why and how I became the tiny child that was abused again and why I lost the grown woman that had opinions and did her life her way. Maybe I never got better I was just fooling myself and it was only a matter of time before I exploded into a million pieces again. I have been bullied at work and put down and belittled as well and I avoided and never confronted them. during last few months of the terrible time with family the person would say your a coward weak as piss and it’s a true assessment because a healthy person would have followed that with you have 1 hour to get your shit get the f out before I call the police. plan for today today I will go to gym kiss my husband and smile at him and lock away my grief for now