I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

Well, I'm sorry about the abusive neighbor and her dogs, exactly what you do not need. When you are in a better place I guess feel sorry for her, no control of emotions, no rationality, and no honesty - does not leave much.

As for you dog, if others enter you property by digging after you have warned their owner and get into a fight then I don't really see how yours could get into trouble.

The advice was good considering the source, don't stay home alone, even if it turned out to be impractical. and your friend may simply not know how to handle matters and backs off, it happens, people can be weaker or less capable that we assume. If the situation was reversed I'd expect you had the wisdom from experience and be able to offer help.

I'm not trying to pretend all is marvelous in the above paragraphs, but hope in time the impact of events will lessen with more perspective.

I am glad you are considering writing to your husband, he sounds as if he could use a little help to understand and not feel guilty and so powerless himself.

If all else fails why not show him your first paragraph from two posts ago

"Thats a good idea writing to my husband ... ...close I’ll scratch you to pieces"

I think in his position I'd find it rather a comfort.

Today finishes, tomorrow may be completely different

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi thank you for relpying I’m not to good a reading or replying but I called the help line and I called 1800 respect.
I need more strength. Why are people so agresive and abusive. I’m super messed up now I try to be honest and out front with my feelings but it’s hard. I want to hide again. If my closest friend can make plans in30 minutes that don’t include me why bother.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I reply becuse you are a worthy person who had been injured and is facing more adversity. Ringing the help lines is a very good step, even if you do not always get the best of responses (it depends who is on shift)

I've talked about your friend already, it may be you have to cut them some slack,you know what you need, they may be all at sea. any contact is good.

As for why some people are aggressive and dishonest, I'm afraid that not are not like you , open, straightforward and honest. If they were the world would not need police. It is hard to understand others sometimes, all you can do is stick to your own values and see them for the lesser persons they are.

Please do not see your friend in black and white, they can be frail humans without the insight you have learned. As I found even imperfect human contact can be better than none, so please try again another time. When I first started on the forums my overriding value was to do no harm, while I've learned better with time and spoken more frankly that is the way most people worry, and it stops them taking meaningful action.

You really are making the right moves, contacting help lines, thinking of the effect on your husband, and pinpointing why you react so strongly. It does get better, and frankly you are coping better than I did.

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

thank you again

yes I’m probably a lot to handle and my friend may not want to be around all that. I’m clutching for life rafts I suppose and it’s a lot. If it was my friend going through all this I’d be dropping in with surprise cooked meals and spending time with them. I think she’s not capable of that for her own reasons. She also may not like spending time with me anymore and maybe I need to find new people. I’m judging her on what I’d do. I think I need new friends

I spoke to the owner of the house next door we’ve been neighbours a long time and she is going to breach her tenants for having destructive and aggressive dogs. Evidently she’s already had issues and they’ve only been there a month. We talked for ages and she doesn’t want her husband to know that I called the police because she thinks he’ll kick the tenants door in and drag them out. She said we were the most patient and polite neighbours and she didn’t know we had a dog. She said if anything happens with dogs hide the evidence because the tenants a trouble maker and not to be trusted. She also told me another neighbours cameras are facing her place so I can get the footage to prove we weren’t harassing her and looking through her windows like she told the police. If we need it we will ask for it otherwise I’m just going to pretend yesterday didn’t happen. Anyway it was a nice talk and she told me all about her stress with her place. I’m not the only one struggling
my husband wants the old me back he said the old me wouldn’t have sent a nice letter the old me took no prisoners lol he made me laugh.
my plan is to get more stability and strength and to like me more I’m going back to my dr for another referral if I need it and going to be less picky about who I see. I’m seeing a psych next week but it’s only a 3 visit thing but maybe I can keep seeing that person.

the help lines have there limitations but I did try and took some numbers for local support.

[Mum Chris]

I spent most of today wondering should I take a sedative today or not just took one. Hands are shaking and I’m jumpy.
I also realised today this is the first time in my life when I’ve admitted I’m not ok. I’ve admitted to struggling or being upset but never actually thought I’m actually not ok. I have had therapy for surviving trauma etc It’s to my core that I am adrift and confused and need a rest to factory settings previously it was just a bandage on the damaged bits. I learned to put up borders and make demands and say no but still ended up in bad marriage and then terrible situation with my child and also at work.

I wonder if others see it clearly in me and that’s why I am target for narcissistic abusers. I suffered narcissistic abuse at a very young age all the way till I ran away. Then I found I had no tools to cope with adult life. Today I’m panicking and worrying if my sons ok does he have enough money and support I’m fighting with myself about contacting solicitor to offer support but my counsellor said NOooooo he has to swim or sink. I don’t want him to sink I want him ok. I trust my counsellor and will resist my temptation to go back down the rabbit hole. Hurry up next Tuesday psych visit I wonder if I could book all 3 sessions for that day lol
I got given a free sunset cruise for New Year’s Eve today so that’s because people know me and like me and I’ve been invited to dinner by work friends so that’s another fantastic thing.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I'm glad you are back and speaking so frankly. There is one thing I'm not sure I understand in your first sentence, were you thinking you might take your life with those sedatives? Please excuse me for bringing this up and if I've made the wrong interpretation I apologize.

If on the other hand you were tempted it would be hardly surprising, I've had similar experiences and would be happy to say what helped. (Must have been effective, I'm here after all:)

I'm very glad you have an ally in the owner of that house, destructive neighbors are a real trial. Hopefully they will be gone soon.

It is not a case of seeing you clearly, but just seeing one aspect which is in fact a virtue, the ability to love, and that this can be exploited. There is no reason to think of yourself as a target that can be picked out, it is probably a simple and unfortunate fact that there a number of abusive people in the world, fortunately outweighed by the good, however your son takes after his father.

From the way you talk of your husband he does not sound abusive, if anything rather sensitive - would you say that was right?

I'd suspect your councilor is giving you good advice, the only way to cope with an abusive person is distance, and having a life away from them. Love and affection, in these circumstances, can be something played upon, becoming a means of control, and you do not need that - ever.

There is most probably a better chance for the rest and recuperation you need wihtout as you say "going back down the rabbit hole". Admitting that you are not OK might seem like a big thing, however nothing has really changed, it is not a step back, you are still you, and the things you call bandages have all helped. Seeing a psych can be good. Trauma and having been abused does take a long time to put behind you.

I'm glad you have friends at work and have something to look forward to, it helps balance things out.

I hope to hear from you again when you can

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

no sorry for confusion I have sedatives that can calm me when I’m stressed that also make me a little groggy. Can’t kill me. Just put me to sleep at worst. I’m only to take as an occasionally help. I have others that are short acting that can slow palpitations and lower my blood pressure but they only last a few hours. Today I took half a sleepy one and when I’m super anxious it doesn’t make me sleepy just more relaxed. Dr says take up to 3 or 4 times a week. I’m a thinker and I did use what I had to hurt me before but I’m in a better place. I’ve made a commitment to not do that again. My husband is not abusive I met and married him when I was in a good place although he’s sleeping on the couch tonight. All the extra drama made me unwilling to or incapable of patience tonight. I’m easily offended

im thinking the I’m not ok is a revelation and a little liberating and I see what you say that the bandages helped me carry on working and raising my family and now it’s just me. My husband makes no demands on me I’m not expected to be a cook cleaner or provide ego boosts ad nauseum.
The sedation took away the compulsion to worry about my son. Which is good but I’m so many raw nerves. I put a lot of effort into today it was nerve racking will there be more abuse from neighbour if so how can I react better this time. Exhausting

i am feeling lonely and isolated and the slightest misstep by my husband sets me off.

We have stuff to work on he can be a royal…… too. Bit passive aggressive not too much but the occasional sideswipe. Gets him time out on the couch. 😈

I’m dreading having to tell my story to a new psych I might just hand the police report I don’t want to talk about the past. Just want a solution

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I'm pleased I misunderstood and that your meds are doing some good.

I don't blame you in the slightest for not wanting to go though your story all over again with a fresh psych, traumatizing and upsetting. I'd think it is a good idea to hand over a copy of the report, and maybe if you feel up to it a short note on your current life and problems.

I found if I provided something written firstly I could write it over time, getting it right without becoming too long (I use point form) and then in the consultation I found I was simply answering specific questions, a lot easier than starting a verbal account from scratch.

If you don't mind me meandering off-topic for a moment your mention of passive aggressive reminds me of the possum that lives in the roof of my workshop. I call him P.A. Possum for that exact reason, I'd lecture him about knocking everything off shelves, he's just look at me, not argue, but then go and knock off some more

Getting back on topic I was very touchy for a long time but it gradually improved and I'm more easygoing nowadays.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello, & sorry for butting in here.

I could not resist, because Croix has given as perfect an illustration of 'passive aggressive as I have ever seen. 😸 '

How are you, Mum Chris?

I've been through the process of meeting another Psychiatrist before, & re-telling my history, getting muddled along the way, too, a few times. For me, it does not get easier because each time there was more to tell, years, sometime, & each was a different, experience. Yu can't predict how each Psychiatrist will be with you when you go in. I find it so frightening I don't think I could do it again. But if I must, it is likely I would. I just don't know how.

Writing something before you go is a good idea. If only as a way to prepare yourself, or as notes to prompt you when you feel you need, or for the Psychiatrist to read, so (hopefully) you are not asked irrelevant questions. Sure as taxes, you will forget something, & if you are like me, forget most of what yujust said as well. I'm tempted, but have not thought to try, to record the sessions I have. (I don't think I can on my phone anyway, it might be illegal).

I wish you all the best with it.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

HimmMekitty

definitely no buts in here open forum and the more the merrier I’ve gotten to a temporary place of complacency no need to see anyone must stay inside and avoid any issues I’m over it all and the possums

Saturday night and all alone with my iPad and some really angry thoughts time to whip out some relaxation music and positive affirmations I’m thinking tonight’s need to let go of anger So many thoughts that needs to be quieted

im trying to settle rage deep breath’s stop my brain

when I felt like this previously what would I do get out of the house and relax now I’m in house and breathing and telling myself I’m relaxed I’m relaxed bloody possums