I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Mum Chris,

Good morning and thank you for posting on the Beyond Blue forums today. We're concerned to hear you aren't in a safe environment at the moment. Please know there are a number of options available to help you through this difficult situation if needed. 

We would urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in similar situations to your own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

And if ever you feel unsafe, please contact triple zero and ask for the police. 

We know it has taken courage for you to share your story today, so thank you. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 

[Mum Chris]

Hi Sophie

the danger has been removed from my home.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

First off I'm glad the danger is no longer present, if I understand matters correctly that was your son, who was let out on bail. I'd imagine in time without that constant threat there will be a big difference in how you feel.

Yes it is sad part of your family is lost, however that was their choice by devaluing you, threatening you and behaving in a toxic manner, not much consolation I know. We don't always have a choice in how children behave.

Secondly and maybe more importantly you were not fooling yourself, it was a genuine and big improvement, a significant thing - and that ability is still in you, then and now; even if you retreated for a while - which happens.

As far as not standing up in the dangerous situation and getting help from police or others I think you are expecting far too much from yourself, and that is at least partly lack of experience of how others react."a coward weak as piss" is utter rubbish.

I was a policeman and can assure you that most "healthy" people threatened, either by family or strangers, will go though exactly what you did, with being unable to breath and virtually paralyzed -voiceless. It may not seem very glamorous but is natural and very often the best thing to do. The same applies with being bullied.

People even go though exactly the same when coming home to find there has been a burglar there .

It is only later, perhaps with support of others, that sometimes action can be taken.

It may sound hard but try to give yourself some slack, things have been terrible and that makes a huge difference.

!800RESPECT may well be able to assist you in your loss and grief, or point to to someone who can. Going it alone and being strong for others may not be the easiest way to do things.

You may find something in common with the parents on this thread, which is long, but includes many people in related situations:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/sadness-grief-and-regret-over-sons-incarceration

I'm hoping you will now have a chance to start to feel better and more in control

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Thank you

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

i read through the posts of parents with incarcerated kids and while a lot of the pain and grief is the same the situation is totally different. I could feel their anguish but they had hope. Drugs and crime is not the issue and if it was all it was I’d have same feelings as them hope.
We are left to rebuild our lives after doing everything I could do to get him to seek mental health care but he feels that we are wrong and he has the right to hurt me and threaten me. He’s repeating his father’s behaviour and his father was sneaky cunning and enjoyed hurting. He hasn’t changed and has gone on to hurt more woman and his other children that took him in when I disappeared with my kids.
Hurt people don’t have to hurt and as you said he made a decision. I just think he thought I would continue to protect him and provide for him. When he realised he went to far he went all in. I’m shocked I raised that if you know what I mean. He’s lost me forever I can never trust him again. I don’t see that changing

i didn’t expect this would bring back all my past traumas and scramble my brain so I have a hard time communicating. I can on here but face to face I stutter and can’t speak. So much crying and despair till I thought I’d never be able to survive. My husband is not in a good way either being around this much chaos is not healthy. I’m going to apply for funding to cover some medical care and see how it goes the police said we are entitled given the seriousness of the events. Before I couldn’t handle the form it was so upsetting.
today was a good day did gardening and hubby’s kept an eye on me and he can see I’m doing better and can be trusted on my own.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I'm glad you read them anyway, it may lend a little towards seeing yourself as not being quite alone, though in different circumstances. How much of the hope you read will be realized is another matter.

It is true that entitlement and cruelty is in a category of its own, and I do know what you mean about your shock - anyone would feel that way.

Unfortunately people that set out to hurt seem very often to have an instinct as to what buttons to push, what are the tender areas. Your offspring found yours and set you back, partly I would presume becuse you had something similar with his father, history repeating itself. Of course you will no longer trust him, for me trust would have been broken permanently in these circumstances.

You will build back up again, and I would not be surprised if the process was quicker this time. Your hubby sounds as if he cares, and that is great, despite any shortcomings and vulnerabilities he might have.

In fact your rebuilding is already under way, that resolve to complete the form for medical assistance points to that as it was something you could not do before. If you cannot speak the words you need to your husband then write them down as you do here, you make perfect sense in writing.

Does he have any form of support (apart from yourself)?

Please do keep on letting us know how you go

Croix

[quirkywords]

Mum chris

Croix has given you supportive comments.

You have suffered so much but I see some who feels so determined and has insight into their problem. Also you are willing to try new things and to change. Glad you enjoyed the gardening.
by writing your honest posts you help others who read your words so they don’t feel alone.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

Thats a good idea writing to my husband what I feel and what I’m trying to communicate. We can get into a disagreement over small things like planning new garden beds and it ends up being that I’m thinking or wanting the same as him but we think we are disagreeing. He got so frustrated and said I trust you go buy what you want and tell me where to plant them. He’s got no support and instantly support was offered to me and nothing for him. He even noticed it and when I went to hospital no one offered him support. It’s my main reason for trying to get some funding and also recoup some expenses because I refused to come home for a while and he had to pay for accommodation and then the security system to make me feel safe. He feels anger guilt hopelessness too maybe not as much as me And I can be demanding and difficult my walls are up and my fight mode is on. No one’s telling me what or how to do anything. I’m really irritable and demanding I suppose but raw emotion is not fun for me or those around me. I’m even sensitive around my friends and family I think they don’t like me or I upset them. Honestly he could be in the running for a sainthood 😂 some days I’m like a cornered animal and get close I’ll scratch you to pieces.
im filling days with healthy things. Actions I can do now I’m not in a ball in my bed. Gym yesterday and got a pedicure and I hate getting them but I like having bright toenails they make me happy and I took me to lunch and ordered dinner from restaurant. Today I’m getting hard to reach windows cleaned and putting on a pretty frock and meeting my closest friend who I pushed away last year for a light lunch and maybe a cocktail. I’m treating my mental health break from work like a holiday.
im taking a lot of vitamins and hormone cream my dr prescribed and currently I’m only taking a melatonin at night. I still have my other drugs if I need them but most of what I was taking was to control acute anxiety from living with stress and also heaps of drugs for autoimmune diseases and they seem to be better. My diet has drastically changed to we are eating meat and veg and cut out sugar and anything my body can make into sugar the change was for my immune issues. I bought some baked goods for in-laws visit and ate some and got a headache. So maybe that’s a needed change for me now. I’m not into radical diets or philosophies as it can become part of my mental health issues but I was getting physically sick and prediabetic.

[Mum Chris]

Hi quirkywords

Thank you for posting it helps getting feedback and exchange of views. I really don’t mesh well with people now and I don’t have people to talk to mainly because I shut them out. I reacted badly when they said that I was giving too much of my life to my son and I didn’t want to hear it so I isolated. I’m slowly reconnecting but when I do talk to them about a tiny bit of what I feel they cry. I can’t handle that I cry enough don’t need more tears so I try and keep conversation light but then I come off as manic. They ask questions and want to know what and why. I’m honestly not ok yet but I owe it to the rest of the family to try and get better. I may not ever get over the grief of losing contact with my son and grandchildren or that I still worry about them are they ok how are they surviving but I need to put it at the back of my mind. I have serious mental health issues that I need to address and work with a psych to heal again.
This is the time for me to focus on me But I need to also soften my attitude to people and be more trusting and kinder. I am kind outwardly but mentally I’m not so kind if you know what I mean.
🤦🏼‍♀️
Reading other posts really helps me and I can see improvement and hope. I can see and feel despair and pain and I see a faction of the community that I can relate to and understand and that understand me and don’t judge.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

live had a little setback canceled plans for today and feeling a little lost. A super aggressive neighbour leaned on my gate bell for over 10 minutes I couldn’t see anyone in the cameras and freaked out then she climbed up on the side fence and started screaming abuse at me honestly it was relief it was her I thought it was my son. Still I couldn’t calm down I called my husband let him hear her and he said don’t put up with that I went to my safe room and called police. I put a nice note in her letterbox to tell them the dogs were attacking the fence and digging under to get to us and it only happens when they go out. I was super nice and apologetic for complaining but told her they were scaring me. Stupid mistake showed I’m weak. Why was I apologising for her dogs aggressive behaviour they have gotten into our yard now twice. I went into full snot faced terror and can’t stop crying. The police came back said she was stressed and she wanted us to stop harassing her. Seriously this is why you don’t call the police. I must have a neon sign saying attack. Lying gets you a free pass. I don’t know what to do we have dogs attacking me through a fence and digging under and running through our yard. My dog is super protective and if he hurts their dog what happens to him. The police woman said don’t stay home alone go out have a good day I called my friend said can we still go out she said no made other plans already. I Canceled and 30 minutes later tried to see her again and I was honest about why I had canceled and she had decided to stay have lunch with her friends. I used to be part of the friend group and now I’m kept seperate. This hurts me more than the violent munchkin at my door.