I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi croix

possums grrr

last night actual rats were trying to gain access to our home and husband to the rescue. I’m super grumpy not grateful and so much annoys me.
had a great night with work colleagues and lost my phone and found it. Crazy day.
maybe it’s just the insomnia loneliness.
those possums have been knocking stuff off the shelves.
Im going to head out to sea. Time for a cool wind and I will need to motor out and search for the wind. Set sails prepare the sheets hold the tiller and wait for it. When the sails flap and pressure on the tiller time to lean into it and enjoy the breeze.
fantasy and relaxation and glistening water

sleep time hopefully 🥱😴😴😴😴

[mmMekitty]

There's a tropical 🥥🌺🏝🌤🌴island out there with your name on it.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris (with a wave to mmMekitty)~

It sounds like you have metal retreat to calm as I do, both involve the sea though mine is from hte shore. I find it a great help at limes -reminds me of bigger world than I'm busy confined inside.

To be fair to P.A.Possum, I did have his tree with snug possum nest-in-a-hole cut down. I hate to cut down trees but this one was threatening the house, so no real choice

After removing his home I can't realy complain if he uses the workshop rafters, a fair swap in his eyes I guess.

Croix

[Mum Chris]

We have been clearing trees just had some huge trees cut down and I have been cutting the ones I can handle with my trusty saw. So many trips to the tip and filled a skip. With the extra sun I’m planting fruit trees. 2 in so far. 1 lemon and 1 grapefruit. Next will be a pawpaw. Mentally planning next garden when I make more room.
new curtains in the empty bedrooms and I’ve moved my study into one. Making our home my environment now it’s not being dictated to by others needs.
my friend messaged me 3 days after I told her I’m not ok again and asked if I was ok. I haven’t replied.
ive made plans with my craft group for a meetup next week Saturday . I got 1 taker so far the others meet up during the week and I work so I can’t and COVID stopped the Saturday meeting and I don’t think it’s coming back. This will be just an informal coffee and bring your knitting I hope more can come. Got to find a cafe that’s ok with it and hopefully a couple turn up.

[mmMekitty]

Fruit trees, & going out for coffee & knitting, good plans,

What about finding a coffee place with an outdoor seating area? Surely that won't be a problem for the owner?

I very much like the idea of making your living spaces ALL YOUR OWN. 😺

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I'm glad to hear you have been busy making the garden and the house more to your liking, the fruit trees are an excellent idea, as is more sun.

Your craft group sounds a good idea too, though it may take a while to get off the ground again after Covid.

These is one question I'd like to ask if you don't mind? You mentioned before your disappointment when your friend did not give up another activity with others when you said you were in distress. Now that friend is showing the concern that maybe might have been better earlier, however concern is concern and you have not replied.

May I ask why you decided not to? I do remember before you were saying you felt lonely and isolated.

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

I did answer her this morning and I didn’t reply because it took her 3 days after I told her wasn’t doing ok. I needed a bit of time to mull it over. I replied I had a aggressive neighbour frighten me and it made feel unstable again and her reply was…….Geez it’s always something. I blame me enough don’t need people in my life right now that also blame me. Not first time she’s been not a good friend to me. I messaged her in 2018 I was in hospital after an operation and I had sepsis and I was very sick and needed a friend. She didn’t reply but when another person we knew found out I hadn’t left hospital she then decided to come see me with the other person but complained to me how hard it was to get to the hospital. 15 minutes from her work. I was nervous to reply because didn’t want the backhanded swipe.

[Mum Chris]

I suppose the isolation and loneliness is also part of not having someone to talk to that doesn’t judge.
I do have a friend that is more reliable we see each other only every 2 months. She doesn’t judge.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

Thanks for replying so frankly. Taking time to sort things out was a wise move, and sometimes it can be hard and disappointing to realize someone is just an acquaintance, not a true friend. When I was invalided out of my occupation I found that out. I am glad you have someone else.

Good luck with the fruit trees, we have mainly apples, nashis, nectarines and cherry plums. If we try anything else the birds get to them first, as it is we seem to share, though not from choice:(

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi

super scary night last night I was scared and was listening for noises. Nothing there just fear and darkness. My dog got grumpy at me not sleeping and left the room after giving me a few grunts and warnings to lay down. He slept in lounge room he’s back but still complaining at me to go back to sleep. I did sleep but broken sleep which is not healthy for me.
2nd last day of my leave from work and tomorrow I meet a new psychologist. I’m sick of me and really don’t want to talk about everything. I’m only crying a couple of minutes a day for the last 3 days and I want to keep it that way. I’m probably going to ball my eyes out again and turn into a snotty mess.
my healthy diet and lifestyle has been on vacation too. My stomach hurts and I plan to get back on the healthy train Wednesday my back to work day. Tomorrow is my mental health day and today is going to be a massage and potter around the house day.
Hope everyone has a good day today