I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris ~

I remember being fearful and on edge -and angry because I had to be - and starting at every perfectly harmless noise, day and night. If is of any consolation that phase does diminish and pass, leaving just a little residue, one can convince oneself it is a symptom, not a perilous situation. Being with another helped me too.

Sill it does ruin sleep (for the dog too by the sound of it) and lack of rest does increase edginess and reduce ability to cope. That includes coping with a new psychologist. Have you given any thought to setting things out on paper/iPad and handing it over? It can be reused with alterations and as I have probably said before, eased my way though new situations.

There are worse things than being a snotty mess, not dignified true, but maybe necessary at times. I've ended up the same in the past. I remember one enterprising poster years ago gave me a virtual packet of tissues 😕 (If you could use any sing out!)

May I ask how you feel about your return to work? Any particular worries?

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello, Mum Chris & Croix.

I resonate so much about the becoming a blubbering mess, being choked up & unable to speak,if I could have thought what to permit myself to say, that is. When I began experiencing my emotions again, that being so upset I could only cry & feeling it could drown a person, & yes, the mess & noise! That felt like the worst thing. Not only did I feel embarrassed, but I felt so out of control of myself, &vulnerable, that was what made me feel like a little baby, with no other way to express myself. I din't even want to accept my PDr's tissues, because that meant Ineeded them because I had been upset

Even that gets better with experience.

& Mum Chris, you don't have to tell everything all in one session. I usually opt for whatever is on the surface. What has been uppermost in your mind? That's usually a good place to start.

& we know what this crying crap is like now, so 😸we know it can't be unbearable, because we have borne it already, I don't knw, how many times...I just wish it didn't clog my nose for so long after.

I produce so much snot I have a storeroom of virtual tissues, big & highly absorbant. No bleech either.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

im in a weird place tonight I’m super angry and want to scream. It’s frustration lack of sleep all rolled up. My husband is the focus of my anger. I’m going to put on a relaxation tape take a sedative and zone out. I’m not good for mixed company as they say.
I don’t want to go back to work really I needed the break but need more. We don’t always get what we want as they say.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris,

I suppose you were already asleep, as I write, an hour after your last post. I hope those tablets help you to get some good quality sleep. But I'm wishing you to have some good dreams, too.

Goodnight,

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

i had terrible sleep now I remember why I stopped them and couldn’t get out of bed. The tablet was a mistake

I went to psychologist visit and it wasn’t much cried a lot but not too much. Telephone visit in a week and then a face to face the following week. I’ll see how it goes.
She gave me a different perspective on grandchildren and my rights and not playing his game. He doesn’t own them he may think he does but he doesn’t. Also said to not care what triggers him that he’s going to get triggered regardless may be in traffic or anywhere. I need to do what’s best for me.
My other psych is all about my safety being aware and keeping safe. This one said that’s true but I need to build on that what do I want and not behave to not upset someone.
She said it won’t work trying to act so as to not upset someone is handing my power over.
im exhausted and I read everyone’s posts really nice. Going to tune out and watch some trashy tv.

[mmMekitty]

😼Good for you....there sure is a lot of trashy tele to choose from, so I'm sure you'll find something you like!

I agree about the triggers. I don't expect people to tip-toe around me, just in case they say or do something which might trigger something in me. It's too unpredictable what the trigger will be in any given moment, & I would also have to be warning people all the time. Far better people lwho are triggered learn to deal with being triggered, which is much easier said than done.

You go right ahead & be your own best friend & strive for what you want & need.

Besides, you have enough to deal with without dealing with his stuff too.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Im back at work and did a half day and watching some shows to stay busy. I’m disappointed with the psychologist visit. It was very hohum I was hoping for probably way more even unrealistic. I talked about seeing a psychiatrist and the opinion was if I needed help with medication. I thought they might do more like a diagnosis but her attitude is I’m displaying the appropriate amount of distress given what has happened.
im going to keep seeing her and she did ask questions that I didn’t get to answer. I will keep self care and shake out the bad thoughts and give therapy some time.
getting on better at home I’m texting my husband what’s on my mind rather than trying to tell him. It’s defused our angst.
We are having people over for dinner on weekend and I’m cycling through conversations in my head. I don’t want to cry and be embarrassed and I don’t want anyone to know the reality of my life and the destruction of my family. Sadness and grief is still raw. Do I lie and pretend nothing is wrong. That’s my preferred option.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris (with a wave to mmMekitty)~

What a funny thing to say "displaying the appropriate amount of distress given what has happened". I'm not sure there is such a thing. Maybe the psych was just trying to be comforting,

Yes psychiatrists do give diagnoses, though if you already have one then one can ask a psychiatrist for a second opinion, if you are unhappy with the original one. Actually it may be you do need help with meds anyway, if the one you are taking leaves you with prolonged drowsiness or poor sleep.

With your guests, unless they are intimate friends who already know your circumstances, my own reaction - which may well be wrong - would be to put on a face and attempt an evening of light conversation

Do you think you could pull it off?

Glad you are back at work, even if a great effort it can remind one of broader horizons.

May I ask if your husband is finding texting is helping? I do hope so

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello Mum Chris,

When I have to go out in public, whether meeting & talking with people or not, or when they have to come here, for whatever reason, I have to, 'pretend[ as you put it. I thought I was hiding because I was afraid of people seeing & not understanding, perhaps blaming & punishing me, or I was determined I would get through a situation without letting emotions out, because I could not accept them & could not cope with them. Or it was simply out of habit, & I didn't realise I was still keeping everything hidden, even from myself. Sometimes it was like a game, so pleased I could not be rattled, maintaining my indifference to however someone spoke to me or treated me.

I am more aware now, that I do this 'public face' pretty much all the time. I am also aware

[mmMekitty]

Sorry, my mistake.

I was saying, I'm now aware of doing this, even when talking on the phone to anyone, even my PDr , sometimes. I try not to hide myself from him. After all, I'm not talking to him to socialise. I think there's a time & place for the social face. I can be selective about who I try to share my private self with. I don't think of it as lying to those who are not close to me, & I mean VERY close.

I have group who I think of as casual business acquaintances, casual social acquaintances, individual family members, & there are levels of closeness within each group...

My PDr is in a group all by himself, & I am more open with him than anyone else. He is a business relationship & definitely not a friend. Stric boundaries apply.

Which reminds me, I wanted to point out, Psychiatrists do more than prescribe meds. One could certainly review meds, & diagnose mental health conditions, & talk to you about those things you talk to with your Psychologist as well. They have qualified as a doctor before specialising in Psychiatry, which incorporates physiological & biochemical aspects as well. Although currently I'm not using many prescriptions drugs for my mental or physical conditions, if any doctor was to prescribe new medications, I know he would be able to monitor any things like mood changes, or other unexpected effect more confidently than any Psychologist or Counsellor.

My PDr doesn't, by choice, offer any diagnoses to me. I'm fine with that, because a diagnosis can distract or become the focus & the whole person might be overlooked. We are not our diagnoses.

I have said elsewhere, he helped me withdraw from using the antidepressant I had suspected were not doing anything useful for me, & was able to talk about the effects I was feeling during that time. & we did do this slowly, so slowly, I even bought a pill cutter to cut the tablets, so I could take the dose in smaller & smaller amounts. & then we waited. I was no better or worse for stopping them.

But should he suggest any medication in future, I'd be able to ask him for details, & be assured he's thought about it, & I would trust him.

Again, about the social situations, try to remember the situation is 'not group therapy',& you are using your discretion , choosing who, when & where you share potentially upsetting thoughts & feelings with. I think it's called 'appropriate/inappropriate disclosure'.

.Hi Croix,, how I wish there was a 'Hello Kitty' emoji!. 😺will have to do,

mmMekitty