I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[mmMekitty]

Hello, from the back seat,

Croix, I like that idea of Kintsugi. I have never heard of that before.

Mum Chris, I think I love your weird dog, too! He seems very devoted to you, & sensitive to your moods. I hope , when you have finished blubbing for a while, you are giving him plenty of cuddles, play, & that you take him for walks, as well. That'd be good for both of you.

You two are having such good conversation, I didn't want to interrupt, but I do want you to know I am still here, & also have restocked my storeroom with fresh virtual handkerchiefs (what an odd word?( & a brand new virtural solar powered washer/dryer, custom-made for cleaning them all, leaving them with a gentle feel & non-allergenic sun-kissed frangipani scent. Only the best, eh?

Shall I find you in the BB Cafe, later? Dogs welcome - well, of-course, every being of any size & shape is welcome, even a walrus.

I'll have my cuppa, & might even eat something healthy. Too much cheese lately, then I have to go to my own thread awhile.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

No back seat I have room up front watch out for the dog he gets scared of everything.
Cheese makes everything better

Today was a good day no cries so far. Typical surrounded by handkerchiefs and I’m good ☺️

I’m exhausted from the gym dragged myself home 1/2 hour early.

sending calm exhausted vibes I have spare good vibes.

[mmMekitty]

Thanks, Mum Chris, I can sure use some good vibes, jazzy kind preferred. 😸.

& if you have too many virtual handkerchiefs, you are welcome to stitch them, Kintsugi style, into a multicoloured table cloth, bed set, or a gorgeous skirt, or whatever! It's all virtual, so you can make anything, use the time, sitting, stitching, being in the moment of making....like a meditation? I f you want.

& if on another day, you find yourself in need of virtual handkerchiefs, you can easily unstitch a few from something near by, & there will always be something near by - 'cause that's how many beautiful handkerchiefs I have given you.

😺

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Thanks, I could sure use some of those good , jazzy preferred 😸

When you have too many handkerchief , you can always stitch them, Kintsugi style, into various items for the home, or to wear, like a table cloth, a bed set, lampshades, skirts & Kaftans, whatever, so that on any other day you need more virtual handkerchiefs, you can unstitch something you will find close to hand. Of-course, you might make such beautiful things, you won't want to unstitch any No worries - they breed! (Not as prolifically as Tribbles...but fairly often non the less.

😺 In my experience, Dog & I will get along fine, & if Dog does not, Cat has these pretty claws.

Or should I just ride on the back of your Walrus?

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMeKitty~

Can I ask waht sort of jazz you like, it covers a large field. Incidentally I enjoyed the background selections from the 3 ABC series of Miss Fishers Murder Mysteries, set in the 20's and a very wide selection.

Actually they are all available for free in iView

https://iview.abc.net.au/show/miss-fisher-s-murder-mysteries/series/1

On a more serious note (yes, ok, a pun) I'd think you vision impairment would be a good reason to record rather than take notes, recording is tedious to replay, however at least you don't miss potentially important matters during the consultation. Do you think it is worth a go?

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

Please excuse me breaking in to talk to mmMeKitty, I thought you might be interested in the series too.

Incidentally if you do a Google search for

Kintsugi exhibition

and hit the Images tab you will see the beauty and strenght of Kintsugi. It actually is a physical expression of a philosophy that everything has a journey, from new and pristine and without life experience, which may not last, though a series of evolutions into it's final repaired/experienced mature state.

I'm glad 3 was enough, do you need another spare?

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I do know jazzy does not always mean jazz, but it seemed too good a segue to pass up 🎺🎻🎷 🥁
C

[mmMekitty]

Thanks Croix.

I do have to get over my recording hump. I get anxiety when recording myself, even when I get an answering machine, (all too common), & so it is very difficult.

I onece made a recording, trying to get myself used to using a microphone, & I could still read large text on my big tv screen/monitor fairly well. I chose a little writing of my own. I began, very shaky, & I listened back, & at about half way through my voice had dropped down to a whisper, then stopped completely. I had stopped reading aloud, but I am sure I still heard my words, & didn't even notice. Othere times, my awareness of the microphone was enough to make me not begin.

I'm sure, because my i(diot)Phone has a microphone, & I do use that, quite easily, unless it is an answering machine, or one of those voice activated prompt systems. & my fairly new tv that speaks some things on the screen also has a microphone in the remote, & I can speak commands like 'channel 21', & I usually only have to compete with whatever the tele is saying while I am wanting to speak. But I am getting used to it. Takes a long time...

Jazz, lots really, but my mood & what I'm doing at the time plays a part in what I want to hear. Because of my hearing impairment, I don't enjoy big band, (or big orchestral classic) as much as I once did. I do like hearing when classical & Jazz combine. I like vibes,piano, bass, guitar,, sax 'conversation' between instrments, improvisation, too. In quiet moods I do enjoy the mellower & spare music, the sounds like it is in the air over a city, sound.

But, if I am feeling I need to get moving, nothing like the Buena Vista Social Club. (I know it's big band stuff, but the rhythms really do get the body moving.)

Other exceptional pieces are Rhapsody in Blue, & Pictures at an Exhibition. They grab onty my imagination.

What about you, Mum Chris? What are things you listen to?

That Kintsugi really does sound fascinating.

I was thinking how old fashioned hand sewing could be a really meditative activity. Just you, a comfy chair, reasonable lighting, & gentle sounds in the background

MmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Good morning

I have been tears free for a day or 2 I think we’ll at least a day. I had some good news and it made me feel happy and I have something to look forward to.
Music my tastes are on the electronic side and even a bit psychedelic but I find it hard to listen to music it gets messed up in my head and I can’t relax but if it’s playing softly as a background music I’m ok. I’m also listening to some 70’s music but I’m very fussy not into a majority of it. Bit of Peter Frampton David Bowie Queen and Brian Ferry

I hate hearing my voice back it sounds so high pitched and weak. Maybe most people hate their own voice. That’s what I tell myself 🤣

Meeting up day today and I’m ready and dressed an hour early and doing my I hate waiting. I’m a lot better than I was 2 weeks ago since the last meetup and I think it’s just going to be the 2 of us again but I hope more turn up even 1 extra would be encouraging. People say yes great organise but they don’t turn up.
I have resisted contacting the friend that was not really treating me as a good friend just an acquaintance and I have resisted acting on my compulsions to help people that don’t deserve my help. I was told a long time ago and I think it’s a proverb don’t throw your pearls before swine they’ll trample them. It never really sunk in with me I obviously was a bad listener.
Got super angry last night when hubby made a wide reaching statement about a social issue and I was disgusted by his inability to accept what is to me so clear. I’m really not prepared to take crap or listen to crap. Another proverb you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink. I think I’m reactive and the underlying anger is not far from the surface. In my professional life I have to stay calm and informed and supportive and provide direction. At home look out and that’s not fair to hubby but he’s soooo stubborn but says sorry so quickly and I’m left alone to cool off.
Im feeling a lot of anguish about my son and I’m probably going to need a few more tissues Croix and mmMekitty some kind wise words. I heard he’s not doing well and it breaks my heart. In my mind he’s moved on with his family and hating me but he’s totally isolated and suffering. If people knew I wanted to help him they’d lock me up and think I’d gone bonkers.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Mum Chris, (you didn't say, would you rather be 'Chris'?)

I dn't know about wise words, but one thing seems clear, if someone is not ready, & their minds are not open to help from anyone, you cannot make that horse drink! That's where that analogy belongs.

& another thing, a really frustrating thing, is when you are so absolutely convinced of your own position, that when someone voices another you simply are unable to accept another person does indeed have a right to hold those opinions. Wish they didn't, & you can't stop them either.

If you can both be open to discussion, agreeing to disagree, you might come to understand why they have their opinion & they might come to understand yours, & hopefully, you'll both feel you were heard.

Don't ask me how to achieve this ideal sort of communication - I'm not there yet! That's something my PDr & I are working towards, little by little.

For the most part, when someone makes some sweeping statement, usually it seems without thinking first, I firstly, feel I don't know where to start - because I want to refute what they've said, after all ,it's the offensive comments that we notice. But I usually must let it go. I don't know anything I can say to persuade people from those 'outrageous' views.

& they may think what we think is equally outrageous, right? Don't they have a right to that opinion?

However, I also think, certain comments must be responded to. I can also agree with this statement, that offensive & derogatory, racist, sexist, etc statements must be challenged. If we don't feel we can voice our own objections, & let them go unchallenged, they will go on making such statements, conveniently assuming they are okay.

My problem, when I would like to challenge what someone has said, is that I am easily intmidated, I also feel if I cannot give a well-thought out & knowledgable response, they will have good enough reason to reject my argument then & there, making me look 'stupid'. No, I'm not, just lack self confidence & esteem.

*

The voice you hear from a recording is missing the sound you perceive because of the way the bones of the skull add some tonal qualities that the recording device can't pick up. Something like that, I think, from something I heard long ago, echoing around my head... worth researching?

*

But shopping to do now.

mmMekitty