I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[therising]

Hi MC

Sounds like you're on your way to becoming a different person. Definitely takes a lot of practice before we can eventually say 'I barely recognise myself these days. I'm like a whole different person'. I think we can look back over time and see what appears to be like a vapor trail of the selves we've left behind, ghost-like versions of who we were. I suppose this points to us being 'haunted', on occasion, by who we once were. In truth, the self that haunts us no longer exists. Just feels like it does, intensely at times.

I'm so glad you've got a solid circle of people around you who can lead you to become the person you wish to be. Someone once gave me the brilliant advice that went a little like 'The circle you establish determines your success in who you wish to be'. If the circle is filled with degrading and stressful people, we'll feel or experience degradation and stress. If it's filled with inspiration, guidance, support and joy, we'll feel and experience inspiration, positive constructive direction, support and joy more often than not. I think we can still have people in our life who are depressing to some degree but, at the same time, realise they're not a part of our 'go to' circle, more so they're simply a part of our life experience. Re-turning to our trusted well established circle is what helps us better understand those types of people.

The guilt factor can definitely be an enormous influence. It can be soul destroying, stressful and even sickening at times. One of the things I discovered about the English language is I can change the definition of any word in it, to suit myself. I've had people say to me 'You can't do that. You can't redefine words'. But I can and I have. In fact, you can do whatever you like with words and their definitions. You can even analyse the hell out of them, which is a constructive way of managing depression in my opinion. To analyse the hell out of a word in a way that makes that word work for you and not against you is a good thing, heavenly. Take 'Guilt' for example. I've come to define 'Guilt' as 'A signpost at which I stand before I choose who I'm gong to be. Guilt is asking me to consciously pick a path'. So, whenever I'm feeling guilt, I don't feel bad, I feel a calling to consciously make a choice. Will I be the person who chooses the path of 'Repeat behaviour or thought' or the path of 'Difference'. The signpost (guilt) simply holds the choices. Often, we can feel the right path. It feels positive.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

How are you going. I like the idea of having something to look forward to at the end of the day. I have a series of must do’s each day they are hurdles to get through to be a functioning person. I don’t always succeed but I generally get something done. I will need to put some thought into a pleasant thing to look forward to at the end of the day. I have no idea of what it could be. Maybe that’s a indication of my disconnect and lack of contact with myself. It stirs up insecurity. I’ve learned that at any moment danger and disaster could happen and planning for happy times went out the window years ago. Danger always happened when I least expected it.
Changing my behaviour has been the most confronting part of my journey.

I confronted my sadness yesterday with a dose of reality as I read the police report and I felt more in the moment and relaxed. Last night I had nightmares and troubles with sleep. The further I go the more grateful I am to be free and to make that stand against violence and abuse. For people on the outside they must be baffled by my reactions. If you had not experienced life threatening situations I don’t think you could understand. For me it was not an isolated incident and I lived on high alert and was always keeping me and everyone around me safe. I understand why friends and family can’t understand why I feel guilty for other peoples actions but it was my self appointed job to protect and I failed to destroy the danger. I wanted to stamp the danger out and to control its affects and I failed.
My life has been a life of loss and no matter what I did the loss kept being part of my experience. Clearly I am not all powerful. I am coming to terms with that.

Maybe a cup of tea and some craft to look forward to.

😊MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi the rising

My circle is a ragtag mix of individuals and some of them are dealing with their own demons. None of them criticise or belittle me or are dishonest or manipulative or are self seeking or narcissistic. I’m careful to not burden them and suck their strength or peace. I do share tiny bits of my struggle and get support and I try to give support as I get stronger. For a while I just sat stunned and quiet with them or cried. But not often because I had isolated myself and was hiding my pain and I didn’t reach out for help. One person that was in my closest circle is not now because she does not turn up with understanding. That hurt me a lot because she had moved herself to an acquaintance. Actually Croix pointed out what I was experiencing from her was the behaviour of an acquaintance and I suddenly understood why she was acting like she was and how she continually let me done and hurt my feelings.

There’s so many things that stir up memories and some good memories but then I find I’m bursting into tears over what I have lost. Now it’s an interruption into a day that may be going ok. I do think I need to come to terms with so much and that is what I’m trying to do with psychologist with EDMR but I was too distressed to start. I’m working on calming myself and feeling safe. When I can do that even when I get distressed then I can start.

Im looking forward to that 😍

MC

[Croix]

Dear MC

No, sometimes we are swept along like a leaf in the wind, so no, not all powerful. Then again some situations are not going to be 'fixed' now matter what power you have, but are ones that have to be come to terms with, which is what I suspect you are doing.

I think by now you realise failure does not come into it even if you do feel guilt. I'm not even sure the two are as related as one might think. Guilt tends to be transferred from the injurer to the injured for some reason. Human nature I guess.

This might be a side-track, but it concerns guilt and how it can go. I always felt guilty that I allowed the support systems ot be turned off wiht my first wife. She had been in hospital a very long time as it was the appropriate thing to do.

Even so guilt lived wiht me from then on for 20 years.

One day someone on this Forum said to me -think of it as taking part of that person's suffering on yourself. Amazing - the guilt ebbed away. So guilt can lessen, I'd expect as likely for you as for me.

YES, I know these are totally different circumstances, but the point is that there is hope of relief.

Talking of friends there are two sorts - both true friends. The vast majority you may not confide your innermost suffering to. They can be considerate, care about you, distract you, make you laugh, and be the recipient of your care in return.

Nothing wrong wiht that.

Just sometimes, if you are very lucky, you may have a friend you can unburden to and they will understand their job is listen and care -not fix, plus they do not let your suffering place them in an bad state, they are robust.

I'm lucky to have one.

Looking to the end of the day for a treat does work, and OK if sometimes things get in the way there is always tomorrow.

Croix

[therising]

Hi MC

It's interesting how we can feel people shift in and out of our circle. I imagine you can relate to some of the feelings which point to clues as to where someone positions themself in our life. Someone who we once considered a part of our circle can suddenly feel depressing, feel judgemental, feel distant, over opinionated, closed minded, intolerant, critical and so on. Before you know it, bamm, you can feel them on the outer. I often wondered why this is the case, why people in my life suddenly felt like they didn't belong (in that circle) and then one day it hit. I woke up to them. I think, sometimes, we can be asleep to someone's behaviour until we get some psychological slap or set of slaps that feel like a wake up call. When you do wake up, you can be left wondering 'How did I not see that (their nature of behaviour) before? Was I seriously that asleep?'. I've found sometimes it can take years before fully waking up to a person. Within all those years you can be left with the torturous question playing out over and over 'What's wrong with me?'.

I think waking up to 'I'm sensitive and this gives me certain abilities' is a massive wake up call. It's a serious game changer. It can be mind altering and life changing in so many constructive ways. For example, being sensitive enough to be able to feel who's right and who's wrong for our circle makes us constructive builders, of a circle. If someone suddenly brought 5 new people into your life, I imagine you'd easily be able to feel/sense who's depressing and stressful and who's inspiring. I imagine you'd also be able to feel or sense who's got a bit of a 'nothing' feel to them. I can recall my 19yo daughter saying to me not too long ago 'Usually I can get a pretty good sense of a person, what they're like. There's this one person though who I just can't get a feel for, for some reason'. I asked her 'Would you say they feel guarded, like they have a wall up and you just can't break through it to get a real feel for what they're like?'. She considered it before realising 'Yes, they feel very guarded'. Guarded people can be incredibly hard to read.

While gaining a better understanding of how we're feeling people and situations, I believe there's always new feelings that crop up for us to make sense of. I believe there are dozens if not hundreds of individual feelings to learn over time, to add to our own personal 'Dictionary of feelings', with all the definitions. Each feeling is waiting to be defined.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

It is interesting how we can take on the guilt self loathing and even self harm because of what other people do or say or experience. Human nature I do believe it is. It’s I expect a primal imprint that made the human race to rise to where it is now. We care and are driven to protect. Then there are those that are driven to concur and control etc etc. everything has its place it’s when it gets to extremes is when true harm occurs.
I am looking forward to the fading of guilt and grief and sadness. Some days I think I don’t feel one or the other and it’s gone but I do again.
I stumbled climbing a small ladder and did a bit of damage to my broken heel. I have planned outings this weekend and I’m going even if I have to use my crutches. I think just soft tissue damage nothing major. I cooked again and cleaned up got my hair done and I’m ready to venture out. Part of me is imagining dangerous confrontations and I push it out of my head. I’m going in a group so I should not be afraid I just don’t know who I will run into and if everyone will be safe. My psychologist said I should not let go of being aware but not let it stop me from having peace. At home I have a fortress but out how do I handle it if something unexpected happens. I’m ok with calling the police if needed but I don’t want to be confronted. I wish I knew who would be there and if it’s safe to enter the venue. But that’s ridiculous I can’t stay home forever.
I can’t really tell my closest friends everything it’s too upsetting for them. They take on my pain and cry with me. Not very helpful. I can say I am ok today and they know it means I’m coping not cured. I can say I’m not ok and they will stay on the phone and we talk about random things to take my mind off whatever is haunting me. I don’t make friends easily and I’d rather have superficial conversations. Not sure if that’s healthy but I would rather discuss orchids or recipes or how I hate work. I have been in this current reinjured mental condition for a year and I had been completely isolated for a couple of years so friends did fall away. Only the brave remain 🦁

I get the feeling my husband is sick of it all. He really does not understand why I’m not reeling with anger and self righteous justification and getting on with my life. Maybe he’s a normal and can’t perceive acting any other way. Someone treats you bad then that’s their problem not yours.

Planning a treat for the end of the day has been helpful. 🦄🦄🦄♥️♥️♥️♥️

MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi the rising

Yes I agree and I have often said I never actually knew they were like that till the did……. Some people catch on quick my husband is a great judge of character and I have said to him your too judgemental but he’s often right. I never knew my family and their true character and made allowances for bad behaviour. I never thought I was gullible but I was with family. I lost the ones to death that truely loved me and was left with narcissists
I have spent the last few months researching narcissistic behaviour and how they think. It’s been an eye opener. I could never understand the why or the how could they and then there is the total lack of remorse. The entitlement took me a while to understand. I could not comprehend the thought process that totally negates basic human rights of others. I have been around severe narcissists since birth and I’ve fled many times but then found new narcissists. They can be so charming and pretend to care and then you displease them or they want something and a whole new person emerges. Lies and hatred and then denial and blame. It’s been an eye opener for sure.
Is the guarded person hiding a bad personality or are they untrusting. I’m not sure if I could handle a person like that.
im not at the stage of meeting new people I’m a little on the hard work side. I am just trying to maintain and reconnecting with old friends. It doesn’t take much to get the chop I’m very careful with me now. I’m trying a new thing to be my own friend and to love me. Early days but I loved me enough to get my hair done and organise a day out with loved ones. I’m trying to take my own advice. I would tell my nearest and dearest to go out have fun look after themselves get help see doctor. Time to listen and do same. I’ve changed my diet and I exercise and drink water. I don’t drink alcohol because I’m vulnerable right now. Big steps and I am trying to use my broken foot to motivate me to a higher fitness level. It’s a uphill battle I’ve been neglecting me for years. I want something positive to come out of this pain.
MC

some magic unicorns for you. Even if they don’t grant wishes they look cute and can make you smile. 🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄

[therising]

Hi MC

I love the unicorns. Thank you so much. They must be magical, for they were able to conjure a smile so easily. I figure anything or anyone that conjures a smile is magical in some way, yourself definitely included 🙂

The magical side of things got me thinking. I think our judgement can sometimes be clouded based on the 'spell' we're under, I suppose you could say. We can be raised with a lot of hocus pocus, spells that create a lot of illusion. 'Loyalty to family, no matter what' would be an example. Find a person who has suffered through terrible childhood abuse, from a parent or both parents and they'll tell you how highly destructive such 'spellbinding' can be. Loyalty to a serous abuser can be so soul destroying. With such a spell, they may be bound to self doubt, bound to self resentment, bound to years of self questioning and bound to seriously depressing self judgement. That's a lot of binding. Break the spell and they begin to wake up to how truly incredible they are, to have survived such intolerable levels of abuse.

Sounds like your husband could be a 'You can't put one over on me' (a spell, that is) person. Is he also one of those 'Something just doesn't sit right with me' kind of people? Perhaps he meets a person, feels that 'not sitting right' feeling that comes with instinct and then he judges why something's not sitting right before reaching a natural conclusion. Is he someone who doesn't question his feelings, his instinct? Instead, he's led by them. One thing I've found - instinct and self doubt typically don't work well together. Get rid of self doubt and instinct becomes much stronger. Yes, can take years to break the spell of self-doubt. Can be incredibly tough work but the work is definitely worth it.

You may have found instinct or feelings works well on the path of developing self love. Not sure if basic self love is strong enough to be felt. You could be loving yourself and not realise it because you can't feel it at the time. For example, you can have someone begin visiting a psychologist. Those visits won't feel like self love but of course they are. They have begun upon the path of loving themself back to life, through serious guidance and greater understanding. On the other hand you could feel great self love through the act of shouting your best friend (you) out to lunch or a movie. The joy that is felt on that occasion is an emotional expression of self love. Self love on occasion will express itself 🙂

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I’ve had a fabulous weekend getting out and having fun. Laughing so hard I had to hold my sides and nearly falling off my chair. I’m tired and happy. I had so much fear going out and leaving my safe environment and it was terrifying. Once I got out and was amongst a lot of people the fear faded and the fun commenced. Friday afternoon till mid morning today packed with activity people and fun and love. Just a few moments thoughts on the bad stuff and the regrets.
I only wish that my lost family members can find success and freedom from themselves. I hope they can face truthfully their own behaviour and move on to be productive and caring people. I don’t think I can ever trust them again and don’t want any relationship with them ever. I did get a text yesterday with a request for information and it’s a text to let me know I have a job to do. Make them feel good about themselves and get me to do something for them. I ignored it and have not answered. It stings a little bit and put a twinge of anxiety in my weekend because when I don’t respond they escalate. I’m not their Personal assistant and I’m not even part of their friendship group I’m a family member they use and abuse. I checked the message again today but I’m not going to answer it. One request leads to another and also comes with a put down and an assassination of my behaviour and how I’m failing and not doing enough etc etc or even worse. I’ve run and run from these people I’m not running anymore but I’m not available either the are reprehensible and beyond disgusting selfish blahs. I smile and act like it’s all normal but it’s not. Big step for me not responding. I’m anxious about it but not responding is the only way. I’ve tried for years to stand up to them and call out the behaviour but it has no affect except upsetting me more from frustration. Its like they can feel my happiness and they want to make sure I’m not better than them. Honestly the words they have called me and how they used my time and money and took my peace and happiness. I’m supposed to keep fore filling that role for them. I’m too busy finding my laughter.

Good news my faithful giant doggo is doing better he’s found his joy maybe. He may struggle now everyone has left but I will do some extra training. His vocabulary is huge people are shocked at how he understands my conversation and responds. He has a stubborn streak and also ignores my husband and other family if the mood strikes. 😂😂😂

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ free hearts

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

Sorry if this sounds silly, but, have you tried to block the numbers of anyone you don't want phoning or texting? When they are a contact on your phone, you can 'block this caller' & you won't get phone calls or texts from them at all. I even made a Contact named XBlocked Callers, & move all of these contacts to that Contact, which is blocked. I put the 'X' at the start so the listed contact won't be near the top of my list.

I used this method for cold callers, (& they can phone again from another number, unfortately), but most importantly for people I don't want bothering me ever again.

Stopping people from emailing is more difficult. So long as you have the same email address they use to send emails to, they can keep trying, though you can have them redirected into your 'Junk' or 'Spam' folder, & occasionally delete them from there.

*

Wasn't it wonderful to overcome your fear & trepidation & get out, & THEN, to have fun & laugh! 😺I❤️the🤣!

I remember how it was when, having not really laughed for so many years, how when I did, the back of my head would hurt, in two places, either side of the top of my spine, & though it really hurt, I was laughing so much, I couldn't stop! Funny how it make you feel you can't hold yourself upright, not even while sitting, ain't it?

I'm so glad you have had a good time - something to remember. Mind if I ask, what was so funny?

*

Oh, good dog! Hug him for me? (I wish this thing had audio!) 😸To think, he's bouncing back, good news, indeed. It would seem he thinks your hubby has been relaged to the tail end of the hierarchy. You come first, then others, which may include hubby, but, then again, maybe not... hubby may still be a step down!

Now, with everyone gone, it would be a good time to either let the old dog rest, or keep him busy a bit, 'cause he might simply be used to being active? Or is he a smart dog who gets bored?

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Hello, The Rising, Croix, good to see you here.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for you from me too. 😸

& more for you, MC, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty