I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

We went bowling and yes we were so terrible with the occasional perfect shot. So lots of cheers and oh no’s. The men perfect and serious but well one of us ladies let go of the bowling ball and launched it backwards towards us. Terrifying and hilarious. People in next lane moved to safety and kept their distance. The looks on strangers faces kept us laughing all night.
It’s funny my fur pal does treat husband as the alpha but he’s on duty with me and likes to stay close at all times. If he’s told by my husband to go sit on his bed if I’m there he looks at me and won’t move till I say ok. Maybe he’s a brat 😂 He started hiding behind my hubby and backing into corners. He was showing signs of dementia and he was a bit dehydrated so I upped his fluids and he has more restrictions. He’s not able to walk around the house of a nighttime or when I go out now. I bought some doggy nappies but he falls over when I put them on so that’s a fail. The worst was he started yelping when I started going out and leaving the house and if I tried to take him outside he’d back away and growl and shake his head. Not a angry growl just communicating his displeasure. My in-laws were shocked at the change in him and they had seen him 4 weeks prior and of course said maybe his time is up. Very out of character. He has slept all day and I just put him in his new bed for more sleep. He’s a quiet dog would rather a comfy spot and personal space than lots of attention. I have enough nervous energy for everyone. It’s harder for me not having him in my bedroom I miss his gentle breathing. He can’t get up and roam the house all night now so he’s sleeping better.
is everyone getting the rain it’s a lot I remember listening to the rain as a kid. It seemed to rain a lot. Having to wear boots and raincoats and always getting wet still then in trouble for getting wet. Well if you have to walk home in the rain with heavy winds a bit of yellow plastic really does not keep you dry. I remember being made to go to school even when river flooded out came a canoe and we were all ferried across for school. Mum liked an empty house obviously.
I redirected unwanted emails to a folder. I can’t block them yet but I will be able to soon. Due to legal stuff I need to be available at times. Soon the need will be over and I can free myself from the vile person that I thought loved me and cared for me.

MC

[mmMekitty]

You remind me, MC, there was once & once only, when I did make a Strike at bowling. As you know, I don't see much, somewhat better back when, ten-pin bowling with a group, I lost my balance, & very nearly fell over in the process - & suprised myself as much as anyone. Most of my other attempts went into the gutter. But we had fun. & that was the whole point: to get out & have some fum.

Good night, & may you sleep well.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I did sleep well I took a tablet it was so hard to wake up. Groggy and yuck. Took painkillers and now stomach is screaming. There’s something going on with my eyesight too. Everything is ver blurry and my eyes are stingy and dry tonsils swollen. Probably my overload of sugar from this weekend. Months of poor sleep and physical stress I’m not getting it checked out it’s happened before and moisture drops and relaxation was the cure.
plots of noises outside I don’t recognise so I have meditation music playing and trying to relax.
The house is quiet now everyone is gone. I’m teaching myself how to play role playing video games. I’m not very good but I’m learning a new skill. Something I can do with husband and family when they visit. Fun is important.
As Croix said something to look forward to at the end of the day.
Good night

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

Careful with the video games. I discovered just how easy it is to spend hours playing without being aware of how much time is passing. That was rather scary!

Many, too will also try to get you to spend money, to get extras or special powers or items.

Enjoy, but be careful.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I’m aware of the lure of games. I’m way to bad at it too get drawn in yet. I planned a little time giving it another go this afternoon but work too over the day and early evening. Lunchtime was a visit to the drs for results and scripts and I had a b12 shot. Now I’m off my stress meds we are tweaking hormones and vitamins. This week has been rest and recovery and work. I had physio messaging me to keep seeing him it was a bit disturbing. I can’t afford it and I have all the exercises and it’s time that’s needed not handing over money every 2 weeks.
im really hating work I hate the politics and the control. I’m ready to retire but finances are not ready. I’m over bully’s and self serving egotists. I’m practicing breathing and relaxation and mentally removing myself from it. I can see how valuable it is to withdraw and not care.
I do care and that’s the problem I have a need for justice. I am not guaranteed anything in this life and I need to let go and not care. It will free up a lot of brain space. I’ll have more time to find the true me and repair the damage that I have. Mental and physical.
I’m easily triggered and sent into a loop of frustration. Certain personalities are hard to handle.

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

I'm not sure this is sound advice or nonsense. Happily, you get to decide.

How well do you do at leaving work at the workplace? Do you continue to think about the workday while going home, & even after you are home? Are you able to seperate work & home?

I heard this thing some people were doing while working from home, just to seperate these portions of their day. They actually were leaving the home & walking around the house/block of flats, or driving around a few block. & again when the workday was through. Then they would 'come home' again.

I think, too, when I come home from anywhere, I tend to remove pretty much everything. If the weather is particularly hot, I end up in my undies! First, I put my cane aside, then I remove my shoes, bag, hearing aid, hat, at least the jacket or jumper I'm wearing, & if my clothes are uncomfortable, I'll change clothes, too. This is a kind of ritual, a homecoming ritual, if you like. I am removing the outside world.

Of-course, you can include greeting the dog, like I had done with Mekitty. Her at the window, then just inside the door really helped me feel I was at home again.

All these actions could symbolise leaving the world, work, shops, traffic, neighbours - anything out there you would leave out there.

& then, do something you like. Could be something very simple, like (because it doesn't take too long), I turn on my computer, & begin some music, or take up where I left off in a book. Or even quicker, if the time is right, turn on some silly tele show.

Then I focus on that, even while putting away shopping. LOL, that was before I began online shopping for my groceries!

*

I hope you understand, I wasn't especially good at the games. I had to find the simplest games, with an 'easy' mode, too. When I played The Sims, I was constantly pausing & zooming to read things that would pop up. It would take me all evening to go through oa couple days in a Sim's life. I needed games I was not pushed to do quicker & quicker each round. They were terrible for me. But when I found games I could play , I found it very hard to leave it - until I lost. But if I lost too badly, I wanted to try again.

& those endless Role Playing Games, I'd always want to achieve the next bit. It felt like there were these carrots dangling one after the other, & I was a ravenous bunny.

All the best with them, though,

My warm thoughts to you, as always,

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi MC

Sounds like you're making gradual progress through a lot of your challenges and achievements. I suppose that's the thing about challenges, they always offer the opportunity for achievement. There are definitely those times where you can be left thinking 'Enough! I need a break from achieving through challenge. I need a serious break from the challenge side of things'. Can become hard and exhausting work at times, working through challenges to the point of achievement. I'm glad you're practicing some self loving relaxation wherever you can and so pleased for you that you've been experiencing some occasional laughs along the way. You deserve relaxation and laughter, both good forms of natural medicine.

I smile when I imagine you becoming so relaxed and so carefree at some point down the track to the degree where you easily say to someone at work, without a single thought or stressful emotion holding you back, 'Look, can you stop being so triggering. It's just not good for my nervous system'. Then I imagine the people around you cheering while proclaiming 'We've always wanted to say something to that person who triggers us as well but we've never had the courage'. I know this may be hard to imagine but I hope the idea of it brings a simile to your face. Feeling that deep need for justice and letting that feeling carry you through to what needs to be said at times can be such a massive challenge.

Sometimes I think the justice seeker or freedom fighter in us needs to say to the people pleaser in us 'You just take a back seat and let me do the driving'. I've found that while the justice seeker in me can be incredibly passionate about a cause, she can also become incredibly emotionally detached from self serving highly triggering people who ignite such passion. I do need more practice in perfecting emotional detachment at times 🙂 I think mastering this comes down to observing someone's nature/behaviour without becoming too involved in feeling it. Bit like - I can basically feel them being depressing or stressful but these feelings are nothing more than alerts to their nature. I suppose this is what instinct or intuition is about, getting a basic feel for a person or situation. I think instinct/intuition/feeling is designed to help us make better sense of who or what we're facing.

Emotional detachment's a hard one to master. Figuring out when to detach or to what extent can be tough. I think it's something we gradually come to get a feel for over time.

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I used to do such a quick change from work clothes to pyjamas or swimmers so fast that my husband used to say it was like wonder a quick swirl and like magic relaxed casual clothes me. My home is my work place now and most days I work in pyjamas very unhealthy mentally. Separation is a good idea. The effort to get dressed and undressed seems immense. I’ve become so stuck in a rut. Let’s see if I can muster a change of clothes 😂

Today was a good day up early for an X-ray and stopped for a coffee on way home before starting work. My favourite person was here today cleaning my house while I worked. I cooked a made up dish with food that needed to be used and it tasted yummy and another dinner for the freezer. I’ve built up about 10 frozen meals in the freezer for when no one wants to cook. I want to make up small lunch size freezer meals so when I go back to office I will have food to take. I have cut out bread rice and pasta so I need to be more prepared and if I buy salad stuff I seem to eat some but end up chucking it out. Bread rice and pasta was a huge part of my diet and my health has demanded a change in diet.

Nothing better than stripping down to undies when getting home. Fur babies are just glad to see us.

Wishing you sweet dreams and a quiet night

MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi the rising

The annoying arrogant grasping stress people at work I have been directed to ignore and rise above it. It’s all very political and my reactions can cause a ripple effect. I have no choice but to detach and let it go. I’m known for confronting issues at work and I need to consider the repercussions. I can get quite frustrated when I’m told to side step or not comment. I go into my head a stew and have mental arguments and then lose hours and sleep.
I could leave and then they win or change my ways and let it go. Yes I hear that song in my head every time I think let it go. It’s also annoying. 😂

I think I’m intolerant now I’m at full load for stress and problems and work was my happy place. I’m getting annoyed thinking about it so I will stop.

❤️MC

[therising]

Hi MC

To become the observer of others and be nothing more than the observer is, I believe, one of the greatest tests in life. Definitely easy to become an active participant in other people's drama. Sounds like you're coming to pass a number of tests. Self control is very emotionally testing. I think becoming the observer allows us to see or wake up to other people's insanity to varying degrees. Sometimes we can even say 'I can't believe I used to be involved in such insanity'. 'Used to be' are the key words. Takes a lot of hard work to leave our old self behind, while at the same being kind and considerate toward that old self. Maybe the mantra for such kindness is something a long the lines of 'I was not as conscious then. I was doing my best at the time'.

Like you, I think I need to practice being the observer more often, in certain cases where I really need to be. Sometimes I wonder 'Am I too detached? Am I not detached enough?'. Managing to find what's 'just right' does take a heck of a lot of practice. I believe having that circle of people who you can trust to be mutually respectful and of solid guidance makes a difference when it comes to constructive self assessment. Such people are typically reasonable; they're willing to see and listen to your reasons for both attachment to emotional situations as well as your reasons for complete detachment. With constructive guidance, such people can help us stay on course at times, while we're trying to master the journey. Sounds like you have some great guides in your life.

It's amazing how many skills we're not taught, growing up. A lack of them are typically discovered through the most intense challenges. Never too late to develop skills. Pays to be surrounded by good and patient teachers 🙂