I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi the rising

i have a supervisor that can see very clearly the political shuffling and the spite and abuse of power and resources and takes the view that we need to step aside and let them reveal themselves. That’s a big request with my CPTSD and goes against my instincts of react and act. I go up and down and struggle with not getting out in front of it. Not setting a clear course of action. I have to wait and see. 😱😱😱 Not my favourite thing to do. I get butterflies even typing about it. I really find these people manipulate and I don’t like them. I don’t share space and don’t even have to see them.
My word for this week frustration. Also my arrogance I want them to see it my way because I’m right 🤣 I’m not great with status quo. I’m a fixer and a doer. I always fancied myself as a bit of a Mother Earth type and envied those that dropped out and joined communes. I would have been kicked out for bossing everyone around. 😂 I do like to run the show and everyone is welcome to hop on the wagon and enjoy the ride.
As I’m coming to this epiphany I suddenly feel very sorry for my husband. I do keep my opinions to myself but it’s a struggle and I try and fix everything and everyone.
imagine how much free time I’ll have if I can turn that down by 40%.

MC

[therising]

Hi MC

You sound like a natural born leader. I recall my daughter participating in a brilliant leadership program when she was around 13. Until she gave me an education through what she'd learned, I had no idea how many different leadership styles there were. From autocratic/authoritarian through to the type of style where a leader leads gently through guidance that only comes about through direct request from those who are seeking guidance, there are so many. All great leaders can be challenged to find the style that best suits them and those they're leading. Perhaps you're in the process of finding your new leadership style and, at the same time, discovering those who have zero interest in being led or guided in any way. Can be tough witnessing people head down the path of self destruction.

Something I've discover while developing the ability to be an observer involves 'wonder'. Taking a step back allows me to wonder. Most of us are born with the power of observation and wonder. A 3yo will observe and wonder about pretty much everything. They'll observe the sky and wonder why it's blue. They'll observe a person who doesn't appear as slim and wonder out loud sometimes as to why they're 'so fat', sometimes in front of the person who's not slim, much to their parent's horror. They'll observe how mean a parent is and wonder at that parent 'Why are you so mean?'. Little kids typically are highly observant wonderful little creatures who are rarely given solid answers. They tend to have their powers of observation and sense of wonder shut down in a variety of ways, as opposed to being encouraged to exercise these powers or abilities constructively.

Wonder opens the mind, so that what naturally needs to come in can enter. For example, you could have a workplace bully who can be so horribly stressful and depressing. While it can be tempting to focus solely on our stress and upset, observing their behaviour can lead to wondering why they're so stressful and depressing. Will they only go for the nicest people? Can they only do their best when they've got an audience? Are they an attention seeker who lacks self control? Were they actually taught this type of behaviour by a parent? The more you wonder, the more the mind opens so that what naturally enters (without thinking) may be 'Why don't you flat out ask if they're an attention seeker? Ask them if they're an abusive comedian who's desperate for an audience. Ask them fearlessly, out of a pure sense of wonder'.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Interesting to think about how we we were all seekers trying to understand. Something about me I don’t recognise when I’m being abused and mistreated and I don’t react. It’s like it isn’t happening and it’s not that serious. I normalised bad behaviour. The abusers creep up on you with charming and thoughtful behaviour and when the abuse happens it brief and out of character so I rationalise it. Of course the nice act can’t continue and eventually they become giants that rule your life. For me it’s only months after I’m free and they are not in my life that I can see the truth. During im not aware.
This makes me scared and keeps me isolated. I keep everyone at arms length. Even my husband does not get to hear my true feelings. I keep things inside.
I had bad vivid dreams last night. I’d lost my capacity mentally in my dream and a friend of a bad family member found me and was trying to help me but dr was busy and everything was confusing. I woke up and called my husband’s name loudly because I thought it was daytime and he was out of bed. Poor guy was asleep beside me and I scared him. It was 3am and dark. I felt like I’d been dreaming for only a short while because I’d been awake after other dreams already last night.

I asked my dr how do I know I’m not a narcissist and he said just the fact you worry and think about that shows I’m not. He said I’m empathetic and care about others. I can see that is my illness now. I don’t have confidence in myself and feel insecure and I live in fear. I have so much self doubt that it’s impacted my whole life.

All I can focus on is getting parts of me put back together. Physical eating well and healing my body and getting fit. Emotionally I’m being nice to me and telling myself good job and spending time meditating and seeing a psychologist. Mentally I have challenging games I’m learning and interacting with good people that truly care for me.
im still sad and grieving but I’m more disappointed now. Guilt is still there and the what if’s and I should haves may never go away.

MC

[therising]

Hi MC

I have to say the thing I like least about gaining greater self understanding is the mentally torturous side of it. Why does it have to be so hard at times, seemingly impossible? Just when you think you're getting it all together, bamm, from out of the blue comes some new challenge that leads you to have to better understand yourself (how and/or why you react or interact the way you do with certain people and situations). Self understanding can feel like a full time job.

I can relate to what you say about questioning whether you're a narcissist. I asked my 19yo daughter not too long ago whether she thought I had narcissistic traits. She gave me the same answer you got, about being too self questioning and thoughtful to be a narcissist. While a true narcissist believes everyone should serve them, no matter what, someone who simply wonders or questions will naturally question why certain people don't serve them in thoughtful ways. The natural conclusion may be 'Certain people don't serve me or raise me thoughtfully/consciously because they are self serving people who bring me down through thoughtless/non conscious or semi conscious behaviour', a fact noted by the observer in us.

Would you say the more you learn to trust your feelings, the less self doubt you possess? Beginning to fully trust can gradually lead to less self doubt. The practice of trusting our feelings is a tough practice. I think that largely comes from having to suppress them over the years for one reason or another. I think it begins when we're pretty young. As a kid you can feel that strong need to question a parent, for example. Suppression becomes the order of the day, through the words 'Don't question me. Just do as you're told!'. I suppose we're conditioned to stop questioning so much. This can be tough when you begin to wake up to a lot, like in your 40's or 50s, for example. All of a sudden the questioner in you comes back to life, full force, after years of suppression and you find your self facing what feels like nothing but questions. One thing I discovered, in the process of waking up, is never doubt your feelings. You can wonder about them, like why they've surfaced or what they're leading you do discover but never doubt them to the point of suppressing them. They come up for good reason. Our feelings can lead us to be reason able (reasonable) people. Eg: Why do I feel 'being shut down' by that person? Could the reason be you're able to feel exactly what they're doing 🙂

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC & The Rising,

When I got myself into trouble in a relationship, for me, it usually took about 6 months, while my brain seemed to have gone on holiday, & I let people get close, let them define & decide everything about the relationship, & what we were doing, where we went, even what I wore. & I would be negligently, in my opinion, not noticing the way the relationship was structured, without my input, disrespectful of me & my welfare. & how convenient for them!

What was I aware of was that I wanted someone who seemed to want me, even after it became apparent that it was not ME they wanted. These relationships were all about power & contrrol, them having what they could conveniently have without having to truly love or care for me.

& suddenly, reality would seep in & I"d feel a need to physically escape each situation.

I no longer trusted my feeling when I thought I liked someone. I no longer trust when someone says they like me. I do not take them at their word.

I guess I have pushed all that down so far I no longer want intimate relations with anyone, for fear, that even after these many long years of therapy, I could still be too vulnerable & get sucked in again.

& yeah, funny, frustrating, surprising too, how there still seems to be more complexity as the dealing with things goes. You think you are delving into one thing, & half a dozen aspects of it begin to show, & so there is more to deal with.

For me, it's not so much peeling an onion anymore, but discovering more fractle patterns the deeper you look, seemingly with no end. My life's work, I guess.

All my best cultivated ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for you both.

Better days ahead🔭(well, I wanted one of those old fashioned monoscopes ,like old time sailors used - what were they called?)

😺mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hello and happy weekend

I agree more layers just reveal more fractures and tangents of me. I’m a contradiction in colliding personality traits. I’m a fiercely independent people pleaser incredibly brave but crippled with fear good at surveying my surroundings and unable to see loved ones for who they truly are and unable to avoid danger. 😂

My absolute despair from recent events came from doing the work to drag myself out of the pit and gaining my independence and strength and starting a new life that was of my construction. It took years of therapy and determination and I struggled to drag my kids with me on the journey. When I suffered further narcissistic abuse I crumpled and gave up. How can it happen again and how could I have found myself in such despair. I thought it was all a lie that I’d never recovered and never rebuilt my life and of course I actually didn’t have any hope.
When I heard about CPTSD it all made sense. It was like me explained. Why I went into survival mode and tried to calm and control the situation. I wouldn’t give up or back down. I had to save everyone and even fix it. It was like being in an alternate universe that I stepped out of to go to work and function in society but I always had 1 ear and 1 eye on alert for the sounds and sights that signals danger. I don’t know how I survived. I was completely alone and terrified for everyone. I tried to appeal to the narcissist that it was unworkable for me and the stress was harming my health but of course it just escalated the hatred. I’ve been trained since childhood that this is how life is and I can’t do anything to protect myself. I did learn to run and go no contact but I already understood terror and paralysis. My parents didn’t love and protect me and I was controlled and dominated never allowed to make a decision. I learnt to hide my personality and my dreams. The only dream I had was get the hell out of there and come back rich beautiful and successful. Childish revenge because I was always ridiculed and put down. Once I got adult relationships they were progressively more destructive.
I succeeded at getting free and making a new life and I got knocked down. I’m not full of despair and I understand now that my previous recovery was real. Not my imagination it’s just that what happened to me was so devastating. I’m more resolved to implement no contact across the board.
wishing everyone a weekend of self care
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

MC

[therising]

Hi mmMekitty

I'd love to know where the fine line between being easy going and being easily manipulated is. Unfortunately, I couldn't pick it in the past, on a number of occasions. I think it's not until things stop 'sitting easily' with us that we can begin to feel when the line's been crossed. Looking back, I realise I felt myself having crossed the line, into depression, when manipulators had led me to lose my self. It's a dark place where the red flags are revealed. Then the internal dialogue can start to go a little like 'How could I have been so blind, so stupid? What's wrong with me?' Taken me a long time to discover that the fault doesn't lie with the easygoing person, it lies with the manipulator. After all, what if everyone in the world was easygoing, deeply thoughtful, trustworthy and considerate toward others - not a problem. So, in fact, there's no issue with being your easygoing, deeply thoughtful, trustworthy and considerate self. They're beautiful traits. Shame the abusers, narcissists and manipulators have to be in this world to spoil the experience for us.

I know what you mean about trying to get to the bottom of everything and how it can all feel a little like 'going down a rabbit hole'. The more you begin to wonder, once you enter, the more you explore and the more that's revealed. Each new revelation leads to another channel of inquiry. Kind of like 'Ahh, I'm an easy going person and here I thought I was gullible. How wrong I was. Damn right, I'm easy going. What a wonderful trait'. Then 'Hang on, where did this trait come from? I think it was my mother. Why was she like that? Oh my god, she appeared easygoing in order to keep the peace. Oh my goodness, she suffered emotionally, suppressing how she felt just to keep the peace. That poor woman'. If that's not enough of a revelation, it can go on. 'Why did she really do it? Come to think of it, my father couldn't stand noise. That selfish bleep. My mother suffered partly because of my father's demands for peace. Was I noisy? Did I cause her grief? Oh my goodness, I think I led to my mother's sufferance' and on and on it goes. The truth: Kids are naturally energetic and noisy and father's can be temperamental 🙂 Revelation after revelation - Self analysis and analysis of others and their impact on us. Does it never end? How many channels or offshoots are there down this rabbit hole we've entered into?

I believe we enter in the search for the truth. The truth overrides our false beliefs.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I always had great pity for my mum and I idolised her. She was beautiful and quiet and talented cook and her knitting was amazing. My father was a tyrant that controlled every aspect of our lives. But my mum was quietly neglectful to me and unloving and would instigate some of the most disturbing treatment I received. As an adult she would laugh at criticism of me by her favourite child no matter how cruel and hurtful it was. Sometimes joining in and I grew up without family support. I was clean and fed and did well at school but was on my own in my home. I had to come to terms with my wonderful mother was not wonderful.
She was a victim of her circumstance but she had a hard side that was hidden under her beauty. I probably uncovered this truth during my last therapy but I was aware I could not rely on her for support when I needed her. She was jealous of me ultimately and has revealed that she treated me that way so I didn’t get a big head because I was getting compliments from others. She never complimented me or said good job. My tyrant father did reward and compliment if any of us did well. His dark moods and explosive anger counteracted all of that. I ran and failed multiple times to function in society and to make healthy relationships.
I tried to give my kids lots of love and unconditional support and guidance. I did succeed in providing that they always knew mum is close by but I didn’t save them from the pain of growing up in a emotionally abusive home and seeing me struggle to keep us safe. In fact my overly supportive mothering did not save one of my children from following in his father’s footsteps. In fact it contributed to it. I protected from consequences and suffering from actions. An important part of growth.

im feeling a bit sick like a cold tonight but not too bad only just started tonight. I had more visitors today and have a invite for next weekend. I’m turning into a social butterfly ❤️😂

Im feeling soooo much better and I see psychologist on Wednesday I hope I’m not sick I am anxious to see him and do more work.

Sleep well

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC, How wonderful you are getting out, having visitors, feeling better, look forward to seeing your psychologist Wednesday, so I hate to be the one to raise a flag of concern, because I hope what you are feeling tonight really is athe beginning of a good old-fashioned cold.

It's amazes me how differently I think about my father & (ex-)step-mother , now. I am more sympathetic, but still, there were some thing, I think to anyone looking on, would have concluded, were plainly wrong.

Mostly, I have had to accept things were what they were, some questions will never be answered, & I cannot get back everything lost.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

& another thing: I don't think it's a fault to love, support & do your best to guide your children. You know the circumstances, & what you could & couldn't do, & how you could & did try to protect them - I don't think there is anyone in the world who would say this is a failing of yours.

I think this is one thing I'm taking a long time to learn: we do the best with what we have, what our skills are, our maturity is, what our insight is,

It's like, I can't ask my (ex-)step-mother to give me something she does not have - no good expecting it, until she deals with her own issues, & learnshow to take a kinder, more generous & empathetic view.

My sis told me she is a very sad & lonely person, now. I am sorry for that. There was a brief time when I had wished ill of her, but now, I'm just sad for her. So much of her life was unhappy, & this seems how she'll finish up, alone & unhappy.

I'm glad you gave your kids as much love, support & guidance as you did. It is sad & disappointing that one has followed his father more.

Sorry, I think I am in a rather gloomy mood tonight.

mmMekitty