I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi the rising

Had a little smile and chuckle at I can feel what you are doing to me. Seems empowering to me.
Im currently dealing with the physical and emotional effects of adrenal fatigue. To come out of an extended time of stress and to not be able to feel well and calm and be present in the moment. I lived in fear of my child’s threats of self harm and his antisocial behaviour that got him to that point and when he started to blame me for his actions and focus his hate on me I was in shock and disbelief. My psychologist keeps reminding me that my reactions and actions were to keep me and others safe. I was mitigating his danger and protecting everyone and keeping them safe. He says that is not wrong and it was the correct course to take but I see my inaction and my paralysis. I’m told that’s me taking on blame and responsibility but how can I not. I’m met with opposition when I mention that it’s my job to raise healthy happy children then I’m told I’m not the only influence on them that I’m only a small part of the influence. So I keep that quiet but that’s hot burning tears behind my eyes that I hold in till I’m on my own.
So I do my relaxation exercises to quiet and calm my adrenal system and I smile and act cheerful.
I have been able to tackle house chores a bit more often and I’ve cooked a couple of meals. I’ve confronted some issues with family members that I had turned a blind eye to because I was firm on what I expected and what was going to be in my life. Happily this has had a good result after some resistance but continued relationships were in jeopardy. I’m being cryptic because not a mental health issue. Learning again how to stand up for my needs and what is acceptable to me. I’m removing anything that is not enriching my life. I’m especially removing anything that is dragging me down. That involves people and habits. I’m getting used to regular self care and exercise and regular sleep. The sleep can be a struggle. Diet can be a struggle given I have little motivation to cook or prepare food.
I took painkillers yesterday when pain was bad but today My stomach is hurting from the 2 tablets I took. Frustrating I have a choice painful foot or painful stomach. Lol

Today I’m looking after my old doggo he’s not too well. He’s grumpy and confused maybe from his old age and he’s just not himself.

oops I forgot to post this. Luckily it’s still here

MC

[therising]

Hi MC

Sounds like you're making progress. Making progress can definitely be incredibly hard work at times and something we should always be proud of, no matter how slow going it is. To feel proud of our self is something that can be far easier suggested than achieved at times.

Can't help but wonder whether dogs can get adrenal fatigue too, based on emotional/natural response. Being highly sensitive, of course animals feel stress and threat too. I think they can feel our upset as well, to various degrees, especially if our connection with them is strong. The most sensitive of creatures can make the most intensely loyal and protective of friends. What just came to mind is 'Dog massage'. Just Googled and apparently it's a thing. Wondering if he'd enjoy a relaxing massage while listening to some soothing music. Maybe you could become his massage therapist 🙂

Due to my compulsion to wonder, also Googled Empaths and adrenal fatigue and found 'Empath Fatigue - Why Empaths Are At Risk For Adrenal Fatigue'. Praise Google for a (sometimes) productive form of self education/development (not always, btw). As a 'feeler', I can imagine you felt so much during those incredibly challenging times, regarding your son. To not just feel your own fear and stress but to feel your dog's upset and protective nature, your son's anger and anything else coming from those around you must have been overwhelming in those moments. To feel it all in such a repetitive way makes the fatigue completely understandable.

I can relate to what your psychologist says. I think it's true, all we can do as parents is lay the foundations; what a child does beyond those foundations is based largely on outside influences. Myself, I had pretty good foundations yet I became a bit a rebel, drifting toward the 'wrong' crowds. Later in life I returned to my foundations. Not drifting too far off is what made it easier to return. I think when a child drifts far from their foundations, this is when it's harder to return to them. I'm lucky I have 2 amazing kids who point out to me any faults in the foundations, such as 'Mum, you're too much of a people pleaser'. They're right, it's definitely a fault, not pleasing yourself when you really need to. I'm glad they picked that up and are aware of being careful to not inherit that somewhat self destructive trait, like I did. I think it's about balance, developing an even balance of self service and service to others. To have kids who are wiser than us is a gift 🙂

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Yes I’ve been concerned that my dog has finally reached endpoint and all the stress from caring for me and the fear of violence has damaged my poor doggo. When I cried and became distressed I’d find a muzzle and pair of eyes right in front of me. Also body weight pressed on me till the distress passed and I promised to be ok had stopped crying and only then my sweet dog would move back and keep an eye on me from afar.
Extra treats and some extra training today to establish me as pack leader. Fun with the ball too and he got to watch me workout and get some exercise.
I do feel like I’m getting physically stronger and I resisted the urge to buy junk food today. I prepared a healthy meal.
I had a long talk to a friend about self care and how it doesn’t come naturally. I feel so good when I exercise and eat a good diet but I mostly don’t do those things because it takes time and there’s no time for me. I have two 20 minute work outs and I can alternate so I can work out everyday but it’s a struggle to do that. I also have physio to do and I’ve been neglecting to do it some days.
Im still quite vigilant and check locks and cameras quite a lot. I do feel less anxious but not safe really. I feel unsafe from neighbours and strangers and I stay fairly close to home and my husband. I did want to get a guard dog but my husband said no and then I saw how expensive they were.
Tomorrow I will give meditation another try I can’t take myself somewhere to relax so I will be at home but I found some nice music with chirping birds.

MC

[therising]

Hi MC

I think it's kinda revealing how it can take years to figure out what 'Being good to our self' entails. The hard work it can take, to figure that out, tends to reveal the extent of how we haven't been all that good to our self in the lead up to such significant change. Regularly practicing being good to our self...well...practice makes perfect. The more you do it, the easier it gets. And then no one gets in the way of our practice because we love it so much, especially when certain practices are effortless.

I applaud you with the junk food. So easy to be an emotional eater. I speak from experience. Lock downs in Melbourne made things so much more intense in this area. Going to the supermarket was kind of like 'Okay, what aisle will I find joy in or pure happiness? Which aisle will I find what gives me a sense of peace? Oooh, I've never tried this food before, here comes some adventure. What about some energy or total satisfaction'. To be honest, it was more about a trip to the junk food aisle than a trip to the supermarket.

If our body is our temple, housing the soul, the energy we put into it definitely helps toward fueling the soul. The energy from restorative sleep, pure foods, pure water, energetic exercise, some solar power, some highly balancing relaxation etc can do wonders. Btw, if our body is our temple, my temple is more a ramshackled place in desperate need of renovations 🙂 I think, with adrenal fatigue, takes a lot of gentle input to restore the energy that's been exhausted over time. Takes a lot of gentle care to reset the energy systems, the adrenal system included. I don't think some people fully realise how long it can take to restore and reset everything. It can be like a full time job, working that hard and that carefully. Figuring out what works and what doesn't is all part of the hard work but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. I smile when I picture a future scenario: Someone says 'I have serious adrenal fatigue', to which a person responds with 'If you want to know who is a legend at understanding this and mastering how to get things working well, it's MC. Through experience and through having developed certain practices, she'd be able to tell you exactly how to manage it'. Could be a way off, master status, but I can easily see it.

I imagine your dear friend, your loving dog, feels how much you adore him. I think it's one of the greatest gifts we can give to a pet, the feeling that comes with being so completely adored.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

No applause for resisting the junk food it was one day after a 7 day bender of takeaways and sugar. I always thought I didn’t have a sweet tooth then I cut out savoury pastry’s and the craving started. Self abuse would describe how I care for myself and I lie to myself say I have a good diet which is true 75% of the time. I eat too much and too often and get tired and order takeaway that makes feel exhausted and sick and I get more depressed and I feel stuck. Stuck describes me really well. I’m stuck to my chair or home or car. I have discovered my life has shrunk and I have built a perimeter around me. I’m backed up against the wall and I look out with fear. Breaking my foot seemed like it was supposed to happen like now I can say look I’m physically unable and I must stay home. I’m in pain physically and it suits the emotional pain I’m in. It’s a physical manifestation of my mental state.
I tried to see being in hospital as an opportunity to engage with new mental health care and I asked to be moved to the psych wing but they wouldn’t. When I got out of hospital I was such a mess I found a clinical psychologist attached to a hospital and I started therapy. He said anytime I want to be admitted to hospital he could arrange it for me. I didn’t feel the urgency then and having that as an option made me feel safe. Weirdly. I have been totally reliant on my husband for food and drinks and help showering and driving and I’m starting to be self sufficient now. I can be on my feet for short periods of time without too much pain. My exercise is all on a fit ball with weights and I like the feeling of sore muscles and pushing myself. I do strength training on feet and ankles too build the muscles to support my joints. I’ve cut all alcohol as part of a lowering of sugar too. I’m trying to use the injury as an opportunity to refocus on my physical body and come out of this with more muscle mass and less body fat so I can get old and still have mobility. I’m free to be me now whatever that is.
Im encouraging my husband to get out and engage with friends and family and fun. It’s a uphill battle he’s battling after experiencing the same pain I have but he doesn’t take on the responsibility. He didn’t blame himself but he still suffered and felt the loss and disappointment. Then he had to deal with my downfall. Poor guy.
Physiotherapist today last visit I can’t afford now Medicare won’t cover more sessions but I have all the exercises I need to do.

MC

[therising]

Hi MC

I'm hoping the physio will give you some good take away exercises, so that you can become your own physio. This is something you can put in your 'tool box' for greater well being. Not sure whether you can relate but I've found it's not 'til later down the track, now being a 51yo gal, that I've discovered how much flexibility I've lost along the way. As a 10yo, I imagine I could have trained as a contortionist without too much effort. Nowadays, simply imagining contorting my body in such ways almost leads me to feel pain, without even moving 🙂 While I wonder 'How did I become so inflexible', the powers that be would question 'How did you maintain your flexibility?'. The simple answer, 'I didn't'. I try to do a lot more stretching these days and I can feel my body smiling. Sometimes I can hear myself thinking 'My goodness, you're so contracted woman!'. Sometimes I think we can go into a state of both physical and mental contraction without realising.

'I'm free to be me now whatever that is'. I like this observation and can relate to it. Personally, based on my own experiences, I've found who I think I am is not always who I truly am or naturally am. This is a revelation that has come about over time and it's come with issues on occasion. The biggest issue would have to be...If I'm not who I think/believe myself to be then who the heck am I? 'I have no idea' has occasionally been the answer. I'll elaborate. If you used to think 'I'm someone who can't tolerate a lot' and you now look back to realise just have much you have come to tolerate over time, then you'd know the truth is you are someone who can tolerate a lot. Of course, there's a price to pay at times. The body doesn't respond too well that sort of stuff when it's ongoing. Another one: If you'd ever thought 'I'm someone who would never use a fitball and weights'. Wrong again.

Who are we going to be in the future? I have virtually no idea. We could imagine our self being one way, imagining some depressing scenario, but the truth is we could be completely wrong. We could end up being someone altogether different from what we currently imagine. Takes a lot of seriously hard and sometimes depressing work to re-turn to who we naturally are, coupled with the wisdom experience brings. To turn again to wonder, questioning, adventure, an open mind, fearlessness etc can take so much hard work at times but, hey, we gotta start somewhere 🙂

The big question, 'Do you know who you naturally are?'.

[Guest_1643]

Hi mum Chris

I apologise I'm not wholly up to date but read through some of Ur posts, seeing that unstruggle with pdsd and Recently took a stand with Ur psych insisting he hear and meet u where u were at,

That was brave, self respecting, and amazing progress for anyone with ptsd.

When we ask for what we need and insist on it....we're getting better👏

I hope u are OK

I'm recovering from cptsd myself and it can be hard on the therapy journey to be up front and open, I work on it ...

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

I think, acknowledging when we do do the things we know are 'good for us' is important. Let go those 'benders'. Get back on track, like they say about falling off horses, you get up again & get back on. No beating up on yourself about falling - re-focus again on where you are going.

Indeed it is hard, so frequently I still catch myself thinking those old thoughts, feeling the old way, which I KNOW was not mine or me, but crap handed to me before I knew I didn't have to believe it.

I like that you are identifying aspects of yourself that you like & enjoy. Things like the feelings you have when exercising & building muscle.

I have noticed, too, how reassuring it is to have the option to contact my PDr,as I did during his last long break, when I was due to have the surgery. I feel sure I would have wanted to contact him more had he not made the offer. I felt more able to cope simply knowing I could reach him, during this highly stressful time.

Ordinarily, because he is not available 24/7, I take it that I can cope. & I do, maybe not happily or comfortably, but I do. If I have misinterpreted his usually strict limitations upon contacting him, so be it. The alternate interpretations are too unsettling to consider.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for everyone to share!

Hugs to all animals, whether furry, feathered, finned, or scaly!

mmMekitty

If I was to have an acute crisis, I would be assured by knowing I could contact him.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I had to postpone my psychologist appointment for a couple of weeks and physio I have canceled will keep doing exercises I have now to strengthen my foot. The drain on my bank account is too much. I am ok and if I see psych once a month I think it should be fine for a while. I have to see surgeon and get X-rays and that’s so expensive and practically no money back. If surgeon says more physio I will see one again but I’m thinking only every 3 months for a review and more strength training and advice.
I am practicing making myself happy and going to a safe place emotionally and relaxation etc. I’m feeling calmer but I still cry. I’m still isolating and feel yuck about myself but I’m doing my hair looking after my body. Doing exercises nearly every day and watching what I eat. I’m not drinking alcohol and drinking more water.
I planted some flowers and herbs on weekend and got down to the water and had a swim. I’m cooking again too. Not much but previously I wasn’t even going into the kitchen.
im still sad and I wish things in my life had never happened and I secretly harbour guilt. I’m not allowed to mention guilt because my psychologist and my friends and family say I am not to blame but I failed to drag myself and others out of the pit. The recriminations echo in my head and I lived with a life time of people saying look at what you made me do and it’s because of me so that is part of my makeup and the hardest part to deal with and I suppose it’s why I stopped looking after myself and constantly over cared for others even if it hurt me.
So I’m faking setting boundaries and looking after myself till I can get all the negative stuff out of my head and my behaviour. My family are a bit shocked that I’ve got requests for things they think are trivial but they are going along with it. I’m not real good when questioned why all I’ve been able to do is say because it’s important to me. I was always live and let live with them I never demanded attention or pushed too hard. They will say I nagged and got in their business all the time but it was for their welfare not mine. Now it’s I want this and I expect it. Very scary for me. Of course I now only have people around me that honestly care about my welfare and that makes it a lot easier.

MC

[Croix]

Dear MC~

I found you can't logically argue away guilt when it is firmly entrenched. To me it made litle difference when people said it was not down to me, the guilt was still there.

I guess the way it dissipated was as a by-product of other things, psychiatrist, therapy , meds and a change of life.

This is what you are doing when finances allow, and I'm sure it wil bear more fruit as time goes on.

One thing I did -and still do - is to have a thing to look forward to at the end of the day, every day. It is simply something I enjoy; a chapter or two of a book, a movie on DVD, walking by the riverbank, music and lots of other things. This is not being selfish, it is necessary. It reminded me of a better life, and over time got me to think I was entitled to and worthy of a bit of respite and self-care

So the guilts did diminish due ot these indirect actions.

Does that seem to make any sense?

Croix