I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Ive been struggling with slowing myself down and calming myself by the techniques the psychologist has taught me. My thoughts are too intrusive to get to a peaceful safe happy place and he suggested I take myself to a physical place that gives me that and apply same strategy but with eyes open. I did that and found it a lot better and also foot not hurting too much today so that helps.
I love the water so it’s always my happy place.
The pinging around of thoughts and emotions in my head is always there but worse when I’m quiet and especially at night.
My best buddy my puppy companion is having some issues and I’ve had to arrange alternative sleeping arrangements for him so I don’t have his company at night now.

Sometimes I feel like I have a moment of realisation of self and think oh just don’t do that anymore then it slips away. The extreme things I do that are not productive but are my way of staying safe and coping I can see those but the little things that can make my life a little harder or can impact on family or colleagues I get a glimpse and then it’s gone. I feel safer when I’m making the decisions and I feel fear and doubt if I’m not. I don’t impose my will on others and take away their rights etc but I need to know what is happening next. For me chaos is the unknown and my experience has shown me that the unexpected will hurt me. I saw for a second how this might impact on my husband and that it may be holding us back but straight away I thought nope can’t do it can’t let go.
What got me thinking about this was a very close person to me said to my husband does she ever stop she’s always busy organising and planning. It shocked me because I rarely make plans my plans always have gotten destroyed by someone’s drama or bad mood. It’s taken me so much emotional effort to arrange to see my loved ones at the same time and dealing with their pushback the psychologist said to expect that because I’m changing the rules. But I can see the busy head and the multiple jobs I’m doing juggling tasks etc. I’m happy to let my husband do whatever and I leave him to do as he pleases. My emotional security is in those around me being ok and being where I need them and to be safe and happy. That’s a lot of pressure for them.
Anyway a perfect example of thoughts pinging around my head. Just for now I’m focusing on feeling safe and not acting in a destructive way. Not rescuing others and staying safe.
MC

[therising]

Hi Mum Chris

It sounds like you have an absolute champion of a psychologist. I believe having a solid guide in life is a must. They're the kind of person who not only guides us to develop our natural self but they also remove elements of self doubt, placed in our head by others.

The 'push back' factor he speaks of is relatable. The more you practice being your natural self the more push back you get. It's strange to consider 'How much have I practiced being my natural self in life?'. I recall when I first seriously contemplated this question. I was pretty shocked. I'd more so practiced being a people pleaser for most of my life. Being your natural self can take a heck of a lot of practice before you become really good at it. We're generally taught to act in life in a variety of ways. Act like the good child, act like the obedient respectful student, act like the perfect employee, act like the perfect wife and so on. Heaven forbid we should stop acting. Btw, we typically don't practice being our natural self for the 1st few years of life. We don't have to practice what comes naturally.

I think sometimes it pays to be 'the observer'. You could even consider throwing in an experiment to observe. Observe everything that comes from that experiment. For example, you could experiment with going down to the water's edge, to sit and meditate on feeling (when the UV rays aren't at their peak). Do you feel calmness in your body? Do you feel a connection to nature, to life? How does that connection feel throughout your body? Can you even feel yourself buzzing through that peaceful energetic connection? Step 2: Tell people around you what you did and how it led you to feel. Be prepared for 2 very distinct types of feedback. One camp will say stuff like 'You're ridiculous. You're insane. Are you getting into all that woo woo sh*t now?! Grow up and get real'. The other camp will say 'That's beautiful. You deserve time out. I should be doing more of that myself. We should do that together next time' and so on. Such an experiment, with reaction, will tell you which camp is depressing and which is inspiring. Only focus on inspiration.

I've found as I've managed to become more my natural self, certain relationships in my life have disintegrated to some degree, which is kind of sad but natural at the same time. As fearful, stressful and largely self serving people integrate into our life, when we re-turn to being who we naturally are a dis-integration process begins.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Yes observation is good and I’m trying to look and see what is actually happening around me and face it. My circle is very small so I don’t have any detractors around me only a cheer squad. Still that cheer squad are used to me a certain way and now I’m trying to get back to the true me. I have always been politely bossy but I don’t want to be bossy anymore. I was bossy because I was trying to protect loved ones and keep them safe. In doing that I lost my soul and my freedom. I became a kicking post when things went wrong and someone to dump all your drama on and it hurt me badly. I was always checking on them and helping them to avoid there catastrophes from overcoming them and losing them from my life. Ultimately they blamed me for all their woes and treated me with hatred and contempt. I’ve acknowledged that they did not love me but needed me to fix them and when I couldn’t they didn’t see how much I had helped them but that it wasn’t enough. Narcissistic abuse is very painful as it took away all my strength my voice and sucked the air out of my space. I felt powerless to defend myself and all I wanted was to get them away from me. The loss and grief of losing and the fear of them is the hole I’m climbing out of.
I’ve created a safe bubble and only good and kind people are allowed in my bubble. I work and live in the real world so I deal with all types but my home and family and friends are just those that deserve my love.
I still cry for the loved ones I lost due to their behaviour and I understand that they are weak and hurt individuals. I don’t hate them and I should but I don’t want them anywhere near me. Friends and some family say maybe one day it will be ok and they can be part of your life but the level of harm I endured and the spite from them. I don’t see it ever happening and I don’t want it because I can’t trust them with me. So it’s back to grief and loss and coming to terms with the sadness.
Psychologist keeps reminding me that they made decisions and took their own path and it’s their failings etc etc. I still deal with if only and if only. And the but why’s.

Today is a beautiful day and I’m getting back to the water and enjoy the noises and smells and feelings. Spending time with my dog who’s very old and struggling and make big giant doggo comfortable. I got him a huge crate and cover so he can sleep in and I can put him in when I go out. He has been my support dog and saved me from myself but he needs to rest and get well.

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

My internet is so sluggish today, but I want to say 'Hi' & n❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for you.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

All good here how are you doing. Thank you for the hearts i will take some and I will store some for future use.

MC

[therising]

Hi MC

I feel for you so deeply as you manage such challenging grief. I'm so glad you have a solid circle of people in your life. Even more magical can be a totally devoted furry friend. Such a friend can have an incredible sixth sense in relation to when we need them most. Can recall a much loved kitty I had who was like this during my years in depression. I wish your friend wellness, much peace and joy in his lovingly constructed accommodation.

I think how little we're prepared for facing grief. While many may say grief is something you just can't be prepared for, I like to think there is at least some preparation, rather than none at all. Even if such counsel covers the grief we experience in regard to losing those who are still living, this can be enough sometimes. Wondering if you can relate to 'the repeating cycle of disappointment' to some degree. I offer the following example:

Last night I spoke with my husband about the cycling disappointment and grief involved in our marriage. Have been cycling for more than 20 years. If you can imagine the cycle as a clock, I'll pinpoint the times

• At 12, some new and brilliant idea would come to mind that supports my husband in bringing him more to life
• From 12 to 25 past, he/I/we would revel in the care, love, joy etc
• At 25 past, I'd begin to seek more of what brings me to life. Based on my love of wondering, I'd lead him to wonder about so many different topics which he'd shut down or I'd lead him to consider going away on some holiday which he'd shut down and so on
• From half past through to 20 to, I'd face anger and resentment
• From 20 to 'til 10 to, I'd face a deep sadness while trying to manage and even suppress my feelings, sometimes losing my sense of true self and self worth. The internal dialogue: 'You're so stupid. Why do you care so much? Why do you keep doing this? What's wrong with you?'
• From 10 to 'til 12, I'd emotionally detach
• At 12, some new and brilliant idea would come to mind that supports my husband in bringing him more to life, bringing us/the relationship more to life and off we'd go again

In the process of waking up to the cycle, I woke up to what the grief was about. It was part of the disappointment process: You can appoint someone roles in life and every time they dis-appoint themself from these roles you feel them rejecting the roles that mean so much to you. I believe periods of emotional detachment can offer opportunities for us to become more conscious of what we deserve 🙂

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC, I'm okay. Found a heap of old Twilight Zone - made for radio episodes, & also a heap of Terry Pratchett audiobooks, too (which is great, because the CDs & MP3s I bought are getting a few scratches, & I still want to listn to them at least 20 - 25 times more).

My internet is still so slow, like a lizard in the snow on a very cloudy day.

You don't have to save up the ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️, because ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️are forever.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi the rising

cycling clock very painful and exhausting example of reality for many people. The word empath is popular now with media. If only they also added a health warning to that. Empaths may suffer extreme pain ill health bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts if they find themselves involved in difficult relationships or situations. The destructive people in my life entered into the assignation of my psyche by telling me I was selfish self centre, useless, neglectful, idiot, ugly etc etc and while I stood face on and said back I’m not go away these and even more vile words get in and I always felt like an imposter. Any success would be quickly whipped away and everyone would find out I’m not good enough.
After much therapy many years ago I finally rebuilt my life. I was not totally free and the impact of the past set up a terrible series of events and I found myself struggling to stay safe and survive again. It was for a time too much for me and I couldn’t believe that it happened and to face the darkness and spite again was beyond belief.
The skill of the attacks and how they can destroy and take aim and keep going from different angles to make sure that the injuries are extensive. Even then it doesn’t stop until I made it stop. I try to wrangle hatred and push it to the top but all I can manage is detachment.
I work on making each minute hour and day a calm peaceful good day. I am establishing a perimeter around me again. This is what I want in my life and this is what I need to do to heal myself from the narcissistic abuse.
The swirling emotions and thoughts are sometimes calm which is a relief. I still can’t believe that my child turned into a that and did that. Disappointment doesn’t cover it. The police said Perpetrator and the word was like a slap. But I hold onto that it helps me detach. I’m very into establishing normal and expelling not normal. Some people attach the word to negative but for me it’s not normal to be called names and it’s normal to be treated with respect. I’m establishing normal for me. It’s not normal to feel unsafe in my home. It’s normal to call police if someone threatens you.
I was trained from childhood to put up with not normal now I’m training myself to feel freedom and happiness while understanding that I don’t need to put up with bad behaviour just because I love and to not make excuses for the bad behaviour. We all have wounds doesn’t mean you can hurt anyone and be excused.
MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I may have listened to these radio programs many years ago. There were awesome radio programs or theatre They are intoxicating enjoy

Lovely weekend here and I’m enjoying my relaxation exercises. My home feels lighter and happier. My foot still painful off and on but still working on my physio but honestly I’m getting slack. I need to do more and be consistent. I’m going back to the office and not looking forward to that 😀

MC

[therising]

Hi Mum Chris

What leads me to love the mind/body/spirit angle so much involves the enlightening side of it, how much all 3 can explain so much when studied together. The mental processing challenges/inner dialogue of an empath, the physical challenges of being an empath and the natural challenges that come with being an empath can offer an overall picture.

I think looking at things individually can at times take us in the wrong direction. While addressed as being exclusively related to mental health challenges, being 'highly sensitive' can sometimes lead to us addressing high sensitivity as being a problem (being easily triggered) as opposed to it involving an ability. Being addressed solely from a physical angle, we could simply be put on blood pressure or anti anxiety meds for the rest of our life. From a holistic angle, with mind, body and nature taken into account, it can take on a whole other dynamic.

An empath can easily sense what's naturally triggering, which helps explain being easily triggered. An empath is designed to be easily triggered. If you can sense stress in a stressful situation, sense what or who is depressing or potentially depressing, sense who or what is inspiring or who or what is challenging, you'll sense/feel it (physically), as an empath, as you would know. I imagine you'll be able to relate to how suppression of 'feeling' can lead to dysfunction. For an empath, suppressing the ability to feel would be like suppressing a fishes ability to swim. It's in their nature. I've found how to feel and when to feel is a part of the self development of an empath. When to emotionally open up and when to emotionally shut down (in favour of pure analysis or healthy detachment) is seriously skillful. When and how to 'recharge' energetically is also skillful. Whether you're coming from the angle of quantum physics or spirituality, both angles agree we're comprised of energy and energy systems. Vascular pathways, nerve or neural pathways, metabolic pathways etc are all energetic or energy pathways. Nothing quite like added/extra energy in motion (e-motion) to cause exhaustion and dis-ease (upset) throughout such pathways. Periods of relaxation and recharge are crucial for someone who works with and relies on emotion in order to feel their way through life.

Sometimes complete emotional detachment offers relief . Sometimes it's an absolute must for a 'feeler'. Btw, a common mantra for an empath tends to be 'I can feel what you're doing to me' 🙂