Continuing saga

[Wraith]

Its been a while since I last posted I thought I was over it but no the anger resentment , frustration ,self loathing ,are all still there just under the surface.

Yesterday I had to attend a view, organised by my legal team ,attended by a lawyer representing the other side ,and the company and their item that contributed to my injury. This goes back nearly six years ,and we get there and the item for view isnt close to what contributed to my injury, I walked towards it and wanted to smash it apart ,my lawyer told me 4 times not to do what I did ,my wife got in my face and told me I was stupid ,the smug representative and site manager smirked and smiled ,all the way home I copped an earfull ,and it just got worse at home. I have never wanted to hit someone more ,my angers out of control ,I get told there wont be a judgement till March or April next year. Since 2015 I havent had an income and have to live of my wifes wage ,before that I was getting the 75% of my pre injury wage ,after 130 weeks nothing from workcover , the only reason I am still here is because I would miss my wife and kids , it has got to the stage where I wonder if its worth it. My wife says I always show people a happy face and only she gets to see the real me. And then last night she said she thought we should seperate. Great. Another nail to add to my coffin, I really want to stay around and screw the 2 insurance companies but I dont know if I want to face it. Next week my Daughters getting engaged, the Monday after I go under the knife for my 19th surgery, 2 Drs have recently suggested an amputation . I have no money to give for the engagement, I'm scared about the upcoming surgery , and my good friend PAIN is still with me constantly. I really feel like I am self destructing, when I see something I want to step in ,not caring about myself. Sleep is not happening I lie in bed and feel the weight on my chest restricting breathing , sitting here ,typing this ,doesnt help either, like it used to .I have to go to centrelink and see if my disability pension has been approved ,bet it hasnt, and that just adds to my depression.

Isnt life wonderfull for those with a problem in their lives people dont care they look at you and nod but really think your milking it I even blew up at a little old guy who was pulling out of a disabled parking spot because he didnt have a label he pulled 1 out of the door pocket ,bet it wasnt his, I am just angry at everything and everyone.

[JessF]

Hello Wraith, I can't imagine the frustration you're going through. The anger you're feeling is understandable. It sounds like you are being blocked at every turn, whether it's getting justice from what sounds like a work injury, to wanting to provide for your daughter and be a good husband.

Having no relief or outlet for that anger sees it coming out in places where it probably isn't helping. It sounds like it's taking a toll on your wife for example. I would say her thoughts about wanting to separate are about her own frustration at feeling she doesn't know what to do to help you in so much pain, both physical and mental.

You have so much going on, it's no wonder it also feels overwhelming. I haven't faced challenges of the magnititude you are, but I have faced some pretty tough and overhwelming times in my life where I have questioned my will to go on. I was able to eventually find a way forward by breaking things down into the smallest steps, focusing on what I could control and doing my best to let go of the things I couldn't. It's extremely difficult! But it sounds like you have a wonderful family around you who can help you through this, even though tensions are frayed at the moment.

Hopefully you will come back and post again, it sounds like you need an outlet at the moment.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

I've read your old posts in 2015 and have the greatest sympathy for your plight. And I'm not really surprised anger is leaking out, I guess there has to be a reaction to all of this. All the things about lawyers and medical procedures, no point in me offering half-baked advice, I'm sure you have thought and rethought your way thought it all umpteen times.

Being disabled and in pain, well although I've some of that again I'm sure you will have worked out what is best. In passing I will mention a lady I knew. She had a leg that was crippled with childhood polio, it needed a built-up brace/shoe and blighted her life. At 70 she had it off and her life improved dramatically. She coped with a prosthesis and knew she made the right decision.

Now you mentioned the possibility of amputation so I talked of my friend as an example of things going a lot better than everyone anticipated. Yes it is just one example, my point being it can happen.

I hope the constant infections, mobility and pain can be dealt with one way or another.

One of the up-sides of anger is it can be used as fuel to do things, no doubt you have discovered that. Unfortunately it can also color your thoughs and feelings, and make life for those around you pretty ordinary too.

Do you think your wife is talking about separation because of living so long with the anger and a negative atmosphere? I was fortunate my anger only lasted a short while (PTSD) and my wife managed to live thought it. I would not have blamed her if she had left -though I was very glad later on she did not.

People can live together surprisingly happily which little or no money, and all sorts of other trials. It does take each to support the other and for each to feel loved.

Am I on the right track? This is not some sort of lecture, just odd thoughts. What do you think?

No, typing here will not help straight away, but it might offer something. Companionship and fellow travelers, a little understanding, maybe even the odd worthwhile suggestion.

On a completely different tack, may I ask if there is something you have found you can enjoy? When I was hospitalized and suicidal a return to reading helped.

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I have to admit feeling a bit sorry for that little old guy at the disabled parking spot you blew up ☹. I sometimes look OK and get hostile glances.
-C

[Mathy]

Hi Wraith,

Sorry, I’n newish, so haven’t read your previous history.

I went through a 6+ year public liability claim over a disaster that gave me PTSD, lost me a long term relationship and my career. This event impacted 50 people, it was a bloody field day for the lawyers.

Best thing I ever did was find myself someone who was totally in my corner, and was beholden to no one else. That person was my psychiatrist. He understood the toll that legal issues can take on mental health - prepared me for the shenanigans that the legal profession get up to. Reinforced my sense of self, sympathised with how I was feeling, and most importantly, had the knowledge to help me with medication, deal with the anger, sorrow and pain.

I know you have a lawyer, so did I. I found myself mostly dumbfounded about how stupid the law was. I always felt that to the lawyer, it was a game. Because, they all indulge in point scoring, even yours - it’s like a gigantic game of chess to them. My psychiatrist was the person who constantly said it’s going to be difficult, it’s nothing to do with you, it’s the way the Law works.

I really feel for you, please, it’s a lot like being in a fight arena - find yourself somebody to be your corner man. My psychiatrist bulk billed, that helped enormously with the cost. I will admit that I totally changed my mind about psychiatrists as a result of my case. They wield a lot of power in the legal arena. To the point that they could have vetoed that charade you went through with your legal team.

I understand that you face further surgery, I hope it is successful for you. I wish I had something better to say in terms of support for your situation, because it sounds horrible, best cheers M 🙂

[Wraith]

Thanks JessF,Croix,and Mathy

Just got back from Centrelink and as I thought ,weeks and months away from being able to claim a disability pension, no surprise really, it just makes me wonder how the system can be so abused when ,if you need it ,it takes so long. My wife voiced her pain the only way she could, in this situation its as hard on her as it is me, she lives and breathes for me like I do her, so the sympathy she has, has spread over time, as much as she wants to ,she cant take away the pain. Emotionally and figuratively it is mine to endure.

[Wraith]

Croix having lived this long its true how far you can stretch a dollar, and having an outlet used to be my pc gaming but as I am now unable to sit for any length of time even thats gotten harder to manage and my meds dont help either. I was also told its my "violent"games that have made me so angry, funny I thought it was the pain

[Wraith]

Mathy

I was referred to a psychiatrist years ago and the insurer in their wisdom wouldst come to the party so it became a 4 session counselor program of which I had to pay half. I do have an appointment coming up with a true psych ,but thats for my case .What I hate most about them is the first thing i get asked is "have you thought of suicide" then the whole thing circles that. What worries me are statements from my surgeon like,"I cant guarantee you wont get staph again" and "I wont know how bad it is until I open you up" thanks Doc. I can remember waking up in recovery and screaming so bad they had to give me morphine for the pain, and they removed the end board of the bed because i might break my toes because i was pushing down so hard. 19th surgery worries me just because WHEN do you not wake up from the anesthetic, 1 in 3 die from staph will I still be lucky this time

[Mathy]

Dear Wraith,

It is without doubt that you are facing some horrible challenges, on all fronts, as is your wife. The pair of you must be very strong.

I ended up with my psychiatrist because I was suicidal, my GP referred me. He had no association with my lawyers, and to be honest, he’s not great at communicating with GPS either. Yes, he asked about suicide - what you have to understand is that it’s their job to ask that question. It’s there to benefit you, and give you an opportunity to speak about your feelings and what’s happening.

In my case, I originally started with a psychologist - that’s who wrote the court reports. My lawyers and the Court, didn’t know about the psychiatrist. He was the one who listened to my outrage/anger about the legal process and educated me about what was going on. He provided clarity and reassurance, helped me find the right way to manage my feelings without damaging myself. I was an angry, screaming mess when I saw this doctor - that was nearly 15 years ago, and I’ve only signed off from him in the last month.

All of what you’ve said above about how you’re feeling - you need someone to talk you through and support you - like I said, a “cornerman” - there for you, not the lawyers. If it’s about the money, mine bulk billed. So, my GP gave me a list of 4 names, and said “see if you can get an appointment with one of these”. I googled them to see what sort of work they did. I chose the guy who did work in a public hospital with HIV positive patients. I did this because social justice and inclusivity is important to me. He bulk billed me for 15 years. Your psychiatrist doesn’t have to be court appointed and “top of the tree”. He/she just needs to be good at their job and there for you.

I don’t know how anyone can say that “violent games” that you’ve obviously played for years, can make you angry. What CAN make you angry is pain, injustice and PTSD.

TLDR version: Get a psychiatrist - don’t tell the lawyers, do it for yourself, your wife and future happiness.

All the best, keep talking, cheers M 🙂

[Croix]

Dear cWraith~

Mathy is spot on, there are two different things here - a legal process and getting well. You need someone in your corner for you, nothing to do with lawyers and courts, just to help you. And part of that help is getting you to the stage where you do not want your life to end, so suicidal thoughts do need to be discussed, though their cure is probably a by-product of getting you to feel better all round.

Violent games can be good, bad or indifferent. I think it is a red herring. Less anger and their appeal might wane anyway. Games, violent or otherwise, are a distraction with a built-in reward system, and can also be a retreat. That can sometimes be good - if it does not become a whole life.

TLDR version: Listen to Mathy 🙂