New member, this is my first post. I'm not sure how to gather all my
thoughts around this so please bare with me, this may be a lengthy post.
I'm a 24/y F. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, however I am
apprehensive. From the age of 3-7 my father su...
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New member, this is my first post. I'm not sure how to gather all my
thoughts around this so please bare with me, this may be a lengthy post.
I'm a 24/y F. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, however I am
apprehensive. From the age of 3-7 my father suffered through cancer and
eventually died. I can't remember any of those years, I think I was too
young. Since then I have experienced a long-term emotionally abusive
relationship, and I have been raped. Most recently my housemate's passed
away. I was home but I did not find him, and did not see his whole body.
I was witness to the smell which stayed in the house for a long time. I
was interviewed by police and had the misfortune of informing his
friends of his death. My psychiatrist has deemed the death of my father
and the change in family dynamic as a child, alongside other traumatic
events, enough to diagnose me with C-PTSD. While on paper I appreciate
that this may be true, I feel as though maybe I wasn't truely
traumatised by any of these events? I have had moments of dissociation,
depression, extreme anxiety and fear, but rarely and very few
flashbacks, and I feel like my diagnosis of C-PTSD isn't valid because
of the way my traumas have manifested?? I don't remember being raped as
such, I remember seconds before and some moments after while being
interviewed by police. But I don't remember the act of assault, which
makes me question whether it was really that bad? I have no memory of my
fathers death, barely any memory of the funeral, and no memories
afterward until about the age of 9. Was it really that bad? Could it be
impacting me now if I can't even remember? I barely remember the
incident with my housemate, but I know that it impacted me emotionally
for a while afterward. It was not a personal loss, I didn't find the
body. I don't think that what I experienced was enough to traumatise me.
Last night in a cab ride home, I was overwhelmed with the thought that I
was about to be raped and killed, I had a panic attack and cried for an
hour after I got home. I know this isn't normal behaviour. But I don't
know what to do about it? If I choose to explore my traumas with my
treatment team, do I run the risk of resurfacing memories and being
traumatised again? Maybe it's better off that they stay forgotten. I
need some advice.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
