So at my last psychologist appointment we talked a lot about sex as I've
been looking more into dating lately. I haven't been with anyone in a
few years and I have more negative than positive experiences. I also
have little dating experience and get ...
View more
So at my last psychologist appointment we talked a lot about sex as I've
been looking more into dating lately. I haven't been with anyone in a
few years and I have more negative than positive experiences. I also
have little dating experience and get super anxious when it comes to
intimacy for a combination of reasons involving body image, anxiety and
trauma. I talked about these feelings as well as some physical concerns
I have and that was all good, albeit kind of embarrassing; but it was
when we were talking, in depth, about my negative sexual experiences
that left me with a lot to process. There is a lot of awful stuff there,
but there was one in particular she read through (I'd written them out
in detail) that she referred to as rape that's really had me feeling
super weird since. The situation she was referring to happened five
years ago. I never forgot any of what happened or anything but it was
always hard to recognise it for what it was because it wasn't something
done with malice. It was one of those grey area situations. He didn't
ask beforehand and I gave no indication of wanting to have sex, but it
moved so quickly and I froze up. I didn't consent to what was happening
but he did seem to genuinely think I was into it for some reason. Thing
is, I never told him directly to stop or anything because I just
couldn't bring myself to for some reason, even when he was hurting me.
Its like I was too awkward and uncomfortable to make it stop, so I was
just hoping for it to end soon. He also didn't think to check in and
seemed to misread everything. I have found myself wondering briefly in
the past "was that rape?" but I'd always quickly tell myself I was
overreacting, but my psychologist put a bit of a different perspective
on it for me. I was always quick to shut myself down because I was
basing that question around his intent and labelling him & not on my own
experience. She said, "he may not have had malicious intent, but you
didn't consent and that's what this is about." She also asked how I
would view the situation if it was someone else who had experienced
that, and I did agree, a lack of no doesn't mean yes. She did also tell
me that I didn't have to call it rape, but I would be justified in doing
so if I did. Honestly, I still don't know, and I hate not being able to
answer that question to myself. I'm not looking to have that question
answered so to speak, but I would value others' insight in how they
would deal with this sort of thing.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
