Continuing saga

[Wraith]

Its been a while since I last posted I thought I was over it but no the anger resentment , frustration ,self loathing ,are all still there just under the surface.

Yesterday I had to attend a view, organised by my legal team ,attended by a lawyer representing the other side ,and the company and their item that contributed to my injury. This goes back nearly six years ,and we get there and the item for view isnt close to what contributed to my injury, I walked towards it and wanted to smash it apart ,my lawyer told me 4 times not to do what I did ,my wife got in my face and told me I was stupid ,the smug representative and site manager smirked and smiled ,all the way home I copped an earfull ,and it just got worse at home. I have never wanted to hit someone more ,my angers out of control ,I get told there wont be a judgement till March or April next year. Since 2015 I havent had an income and have to live of my wifes wage ,before that I was getting the 75% of my pre injury wage ,after 130 weeks nothing from workcover , the only reason I am still here is because I would miss my wife and kids , it has got to the stage where I wonder if its worth it. My wife says I always show people a happy face and only she gets to see the real me. And then last night she said she thought we should seperate. Great. Another nail to add to my coffin, I really want to stay around and screw the 2 insurance companies but I dont know if I want to face it. Next week my Daughters getting engaged, the Monday after I go under the knife for my 19th surgery, 2 Drs have recently suggested an amputation . I have no money to give for the engagement, I'm scared about the upcoming surgery , and my good friend PAIN is still with me constantly. I really feel like I am self destructing, when I see something I want to step in ,not caring about myself. Sleep is not happening I lie in bed and feel the weight on my chest restricting breathing , sitting here ,typing this ,doesnt help either, like it used to .I have to go to centrelink and see if my disability pension has been approved ,bet it hasnt, and that just adds to my depression.

Isnt life wonderfull for those with a problem in their lives people dont care they look at you and nod but really think your milking it I even blew up at a little old guy who was pulling out of a disabled parking spot because he didnt have a label he pulled 1 out of the door pocket ,bet it wasnt his, I am just angry at everything and everyone.

[Croix]

Dear Wriath~

First off let me wish you good luck with the IMP, hopefully they will see sense and be able to do something.

Then with your legal team, yes they may indeed be everything you describe, however it is human nature they will try to avoid a client with whom they feel uncomfortable. I can't say what you should do or what line you should take with them, but that point might be worth considering.

Your pain situation - and mobility - sounds grim. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel with that? I've avoided addiction with pain meds so far, but it is a difficult juggling balance.

If I've not mentioned it before can I suggest BeyondNow, a smartphone Safety Plan app? It free and at

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

The idea being you fill it all out beforehand with all sorts of things, not just crisis and doctors numbers. I've YouTube songs on mine along with other things. I had help, I'm not that good at remembering what has had a good effect on me.

The reason I thought of it now was if your wife is worried, as I'm sure she would be, that you might kill yourself then if she helps you fill it in and knows about it then it might make her worry just a little less, and most importantly it might help you when things get too much.

She will be having a hard time too if when she rings she does not know what she will find.

I'm not surprised you are sick of the lot of them, anyone would be. You get to see the side of the legal system, insurance companies and employers at its worst, governed simply by money.

Croix

[Wraith]

Croix

Thats so true anyone that gets involved with lawyers or Insurance companies has to put up with the crap they dish out. Its pathetic they screw up and we have to suffer the repercussions,it doesnt matter to them if because they left out a paragraph your case gets put back over a year. They dont care if you persistently ask them to resolve it before xmas, and what is it now, oh January. Bet they had their great xmas and had the money to buy presents,or xmas dinner without worrying about bills or medication.

They arent just terrible they are worse than that, hemorrhoids a blight on the world.

I am so angry

Thanks for taking the time to read and the comments, I'll look into that app.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

Actually I've found anger a useful tool at times. I'm normally pretty mild mannered so when I do lose my cool and use words with 'emphasis' those that know me realize that they need to take notice. I'm not suggesting you go down that rout as the people concerned are strangers.

What I did find that is closer to your situation is anger has sustained me when otherwise I might simply not bother or give in. One such occasional was when I was invalided out of my occupation, in part because the management had not taken the basic steps to ensure my welfare - far from it. Here anger helped keep me alive.

Talking of Christmas as you were, I hope you and your wife's was not too spartan

Croix

[Wraith]

Today is the 10/04/2019. Been before the IMP and they all decided my ability for work is zero, the insurer has finally given in and consented to the fact that they should have continued my work cover payments, we go before the court and its finalized "HOORAY", 1 small win, then why today am I feeling so down,there is a dark cloud around me and I'm having trouble seeing clearly, the light is dim and the storms are swirling above. the wolves are howling and I really feel a sense of dread. It feels like a hand is holding my heart and squeezing tighter and tighter. I shouldn't be this way I am winning aren't I, and yet I feel more alone than I have in ages, tried to get into my computer game and couldn't concentrate or be bothered talking to any of the others online, wife called and I told her I'm feeling down,she asked why and I couldn't explain it to her either. That Elephants back and sitting square on my chest.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you , it's not you it's the system.

First off your win is a huge milestone, both in practical terms and vindication. All those years of being treated as second class take their toll. I'm very glad for you.

Now, how you feel. Frankly I'd put an awful lot of it down to distrust. You have gone for so long with mercenary insurance companies, lawyers that did not do their job well plus the great physical setbacks that just seemed to mount up.

After all that the victory can seem almost unreal, and at the same time something that might go away, be reversed or in some other way diminished. I guess you could say now you might feel you have something to lose - a risk in fact.

I'm not saying this is the case, your victory may be rock-solid, but one learns behaviors and attitude, and you have learned not to trust -and no small wonder.

Apart from that your focus for so many years has been in obtaining both justice and the best possible physical outcome for your disability. Now, if I understand what you are saying, the first of these two goals has been met. This leaves a huge gap. All that emotion, direction and activity is n longer needed.

It will take a while to learn to fill your life with other things. Maybe no explanation of your feelings are necessary, just a search for now to see what you can do, both physically and with people.

Croix

[Wraith]

Thanks Croix for the insight and understanding, but there is another matter that I think put me in a dark place, the 7th year anniversary of my accident was 18 days before my last post, and, according to my psychologist ,that could have been causing my dark mood. But it hasn't gotten any better, I feel very dark, as though I am looking out through a shadow, not just looking out but living inside it. I am very angry, to the point I am thinking of hurting people, don't worry I wont , but its a feeling inside , a blackness, a lack of anything resembling humanity. My wife has yelled at me and I am just thinking "whats the point", "why go on" and who cares if I do or don't. I am pretty sure the sun will still rise and set, people will go on being terrible, and no one would notice if I was here or wasn't.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

It would be nice if anniversaries were tidy things that lasted the required 24 hours and that was it. No such luck I'm afraid. For me at least they bring on - well before the due date - the thoughts in question,which continue on after.

There is also the matter of the amount of hurt, physical, mental and emotional you have sustained. The larger, the longer the reaction at anniversary - and other - times.

I can't see any lack of humanity, just a very human struggle, and the tone of your post gives me hope and encouragement.

Without wishing to appear nosy may I inquire what upset your wife? (Of course no need to reply). I did that (ie upset her) a lot to my first wife when I became ill. Not intentional, well mostly not, anger could sometimes get a bit over the top.

Let's have a look at "who cares if I do or don't".

I've probably told you this before but there are times when my mental state is very down and I draw encouragement from seeming you soldier your way though great trials. You are an example, and not just to me, but to some of the many thousands that read but never post.

You care, you want better than you have at the moment, and I strongly suspect things will improve.

I would imagine your wife cares - despite shouting. She is still around where many might have been overwhelmed and disappeared.

You also have enough experience in those 7 years to have an idea when depression is talking -and seeming so very rational as it cuts out all hope.

The world is not all terrible people, but I don't need to say that, you know it already.

Croix