Continuing saga

[Wraith]

Its been a while since I last posted I thought I was over it but no the anger resentment , frustration ,self loathing ,are all still there just under the surface.

Yesterday I had to attend a view, organised by my legal team ,attended by a lawyer representing the other side ,and the company and their item that contributed to my injury. This goes back nearly six years ,and we get there and the item for view isnt close to what contributed to my injury, I walked towards it and wanted to smash it apart ,my lawyer told me 4 times not to do what I did ,my wife got in my face and told me I was stupid ,the smug representative and site manager smirked and smiled ,all the way home I copped an earfull ,and it just got worse at home. I have never wanted to hit someone more ,my angers out of control ,I get told there wont be a judgement till March or April next year. Since 2015 I havent had an income and have to live of my wifes wage ,before that I was getting the 75% of my pre injury wage ,after 130 weeks nothing from workcover , the only reason I am still here is because I would miss my wife and kids , it has got to the stage where I wonder if its worth it. My wife says I always show people a happy face and only she gets to see the real me. And then last night she said she thought we should seperate. Great. Another nail to add to my coffin, I really want to stay around and screw the 2 insurance companies but I dont know if I want to face it. Next week my Daughters getting engaged, the Monday after I go under the knife for my 19th surgery, 2 Drs have recently suggested an amputation . I have no money to give for the engagement, I'm scared about the upcoming surgery , and my good friend PAIN is still with me constantly. I really feel like I am self destructing, when I see something I want to step in ,not caring about myself. Sleep is not happening I lie in bed and feel the weight on my chest restricting breathing , sitting here ,typing this ,doesnt help either, like it used to .I have to go to centrelink and see if my disability pension has been approved ,bet it hasnt, and that just adds to my depression.

Isnt life wonderfull for those with a problem in their lives people dont care they look at you and nod but really think your milking it I even blew up at a little old guy who was pulling out of a disabled parking spot because he didnt have a label he pulled 1 out of the door pocket ,bet it wasnt his, I am just angry at everything and everyone.

[Croix]

PS The phantom spell-checker turned sentence into scented -sigh
-C

[blondguy]

Hey Wraith

Thanks heaps for posting back to everyone and also helping others out too as you have the experience in life to do so (if you want to of course)

I have heard the saying a long time ago about the elephant sitting on our chest....Does that mean your breathing is tight? Just asking if thats okay

I hope your weekend has been reasonably okay Wraith (thumbs up)

my kind thoughts for you and what you have been going through

Paul

[Wraith]

Less than 4 weeks to Christmas, and my fantastic legal team arent even bothering to reply promptly to any of my inquiries, Last year Christmas dinner was at my place, my wife and I spent what we could to make lunch memorable and that meant not buying ourselves any presents . Well at that time I was under the misguided belief that my case would finish in this current year, and I'de be able to make up for it. So with 1 thing and another it looks like its going to be another bad holiday season for my wife and I, and you want to know something. I give up, I cant keep going like this anymore, we rent and the landlord wants to sell. The idea was to take my super as a TPD payment and with my wage supplement get a short term home loan, but with my legal team working at lining their own pockets, that idea is off the table. So we will have to find another rental and again I let my wife down, over and over and over again. I thought this year was going to be so different but it has turned out just as bad and somehow worse than ALL the preceding 1ns. I've had my 23rd surgery and now have a neuro modulator implanted beneath my skin, Yay no pain, and yet it doesnt seem to make me as happy as I should be.

WHY????

WHY did this happen at all, I wanted to make myself indispensable to my boss, instead he found an excuse to fire me just as I was returning to work.

WHY did the hospital give me MRSA, didnt someone wash their hands right, there were 15 other surgeries there that day how come I was the only 1 to get it.

WHY didnt my legal team proof read their documents and notice the omission BEFORE we went into court, and looked like fools when it was kicked out of court to be heard over a year later.

WHY.WHY.WHY.

How long can I go on, WHY do i even care, the blackness is closing in, the weight is pressing down on my chest, and WHY do I care. I feel like a waste of space, and am wandering about my future. I have no friends, I have no immediate family, my wife is as depressed as I am, my stepchildren dont care. Would anyone notice if I wasnt here tomorrow. I am sitting at this pc feeling like a failure............................

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

Sometimes it is difficult show people how they really are.This is no doubt that life has thrown every conceivable piece of crap at you it's possible to think of. Yet here you are!

When life is smooth anyone can do it, you have survive and that has take great strength and perseverance. Strength comes from all sorts of areas and I suspect anger has, at least in part, given you the determination you have needed.

A 19th century social commentator said "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

I think if you had gone down that route you might not be here. You are exceptional.

I worry not only about you, but your wife too. Her depression though is the fault of circumstances - not you.

There is no way you are a failure. Crap happens to so many people, some like you through no fault of their own, others due to mistakes they may have made. In either case seeing someone weather the perfect storm yields encouraging and hope.

My own ailments/disabilities/whatever you like to call them pale into significance when I read your story, and I derive comfort and inspiration from your tenacity.

Croix

[Quercus]

Hello Wraith,

A long time ago you mentioned your thread to me and I haven't been able to read your story. It is too painful and hits a little too close to home.

But today I saw you questioning WHY? And started reading anyway. I'm thankful I did and even more that you continue to write.

For me asking why was pointless. I saw it as the sheer shit hand dealt to me. But once the pain was managed and I had mental health support that worked for me another reason crept in. To give me the strength to demand better.

You mentioned your pain is finally finally being managed. I understand feeling like being in less pain should feel like a win but feeling nothing. I believe that is a symptom of depression. It was for me at least. I had lived without hope and without managing my mental illness for so long I was very unwell.

This feels important to share because I see the same in how you write at the moment.

Yes it feels hopeless. But it isn't. That is your exhausted mind showing how utterly overwhelmed and tired you are.

Croix (my goodness how gorgeous his posts are here huh) is spot on when he says you are lucky to have your wife in your corner fighting alongside you. Croix is lucky and so am I in this way and it is this support that I believe is key.

You don't have to trust that a psychiatrist can help... You simply trust the opinion of your wife because she has shown she wants you alive and well. I gave up too. Hubby dragged me to the psychiatrist. Figured out the payments and the meds on one income with two babies. Kept me alive when I couldn't. And I got the help I needed in time.

Have you looked into the medicare saftey net? If you see a psychiatrist regularly the visits go towards your saftey net and once you reach your threshold the fees shrink enormously. The start of the year is always hard but by mid year we get almost 70 to 80% of the fee back. This is the only reason I can afford the care I have recieved.

Will you sit down with your wife and ask her what she feels you need? I know for my other half part of his hurt was feeling powerless and helpless to help me.

As to your employer, as I've mentioned before to Mary (White Rose) who fights a legal battle too all we can do is hope the judges imagine how they would feel if this was a loved one this was done to and judge properly. I have little faith in that though so instead I hope for kharma to throw them ass first into a pool of hagfish.

You are strong and I am grateful for you on these forums.

Nat

[Wraith]

Hello again Croix

Some one told me recently that the pain we endure will put us closer to God, now I am not an Atheist nor am I a holier than thou bible basher, but I responded by saying " well with all this I'm going to be sitting in his lap" which also got me a stern dressing down, All of us, everyone here, has had to put up with crap, abuse, disappointment, anxiety, depression self hate or loathing and a myriad of other factors. But WE are the strong ones, the ones willing to endure and go on. But sometimes its so very very very hard, the world doesnt understand how we endure the suffering and with some ( like center Link) they dont care at all and work to their own ends, it makes me very angry when I read about people rorting the system when I cant even get into the system. Right now I have a dark cloud in my head and a heavy weight on my chest, and I have to wonder which one is going to win.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my epic saga.

[Wraith]

Hello Quercus/ Nat

Well Nat the 1 good thing about mine is even though its workcover I get almost all my visits to Drs courtesy of workcover, you know the 1ns that want to get you back to work as soon as possible so your boss can tell your spouse your useless and then fire you,with some excuse I've told my wife about my writing on here and she just saw me and read my last post, and my answer to Croix, and went on to ask me why I was doing it and who are all these people. After nearly 7 years I think she is still in denial of how much this has truly impacted me, the accusations of me talking to women when she isnt around, or when she is at work during the week and I must be cruising porn sites and all that is making me angrier and angrier . But then I realize its her way of coping with the fact that my sex drive is in the toilet. As I just said to Croix I have a dark cloud twirling around my head and a heavy weight sitting on my chest, hell right now I am listening to country music , hell how sick am I. My Psychiatrist tells me my humor is a defense mechanism, well that's just weird, I thought I was mad.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

I don't think the weight or the cloud is winning, I think slowly you are, not over the legal system - but dealing with things. And to still have a sense of humor is to be treasured. Are you sure it was a stern dressing down , not dressing gown - so much more useful? Actually the idea of the Wraith sitting on anyone's knee raises a smile.

I'm sure you realize exactly how hard all this is for you partner, years and years of ill fortune and limitations on just about everything. It may well be you insight is quite correct and that is how she tries to deal with everything. Is there anyone like family or friends to give her extra support?

I'll not mention country music, I guess everyone is allowed their foibles.

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi Wraith,

Croix has said it all really. Do you think your wife is lashing out in part because she is exhausted and needs some TLC too?

I can understand her feeling uncomfortable. It is easy to vent and confide here because it is anonymous. It sounds cruel but this is a place where you can write what you NEED without having to censor in case you upset someone dear to you. However... It is worth thinking about whether you are shutting your wife out.

I know from arguments with my own spouse that it is easy to feel taken for granted when your attention is elsewhere. Sometimes he asks why do strangers get your care and attention and we get the mood swings and brush off because you want to be alone?

I don't think it is solely about the forums but also about wanting to feel cared for and appreciated. Wanting to know they are your first priority.

It also helps to be very open and keep them involved. I keep hubby up to date with how the forums are helping me. Ask him if he thinks I have been online too much. Tell him when I am taking time out etc. To me volunteering here helped a lot. He doesn't understand how it helps me because it isn't his thing... But he respects that it it important to me because it is a form of "work" I am able to do that gives me purpose.

I hope you can breathe through the anger and ask what is lacking for her that the first thought was internet porn etc and how can you both improve this for her?

Nat

[Wraith]

Well' January 2019, and tomorrow I go before the Independent Medical Panel for the 2nd time, and its the Psychiatry part first. Well 1 good thing, the last time they asked me if I had contemplated suicide, twice, and I said no ,I'd thought about it but only in passing. Now 4 years since then, and I don't know how many surgeries, I can say honestly that the thought has been more prevalent, and the fact I have even told my wife, more than once, should make these guys sit up and take notice. I am so depressed so anxious, so sick of all of this, what I used to do for fun and entertainment no longer holds my interest, my medication gives me sleep but I wake up tired, I nearly fell asleep on the couch a little while ago, I'm beginning to wonder what a constant darkness would be like, the absence of light, of feeling, of having to care. I thought when my pain went I'd feel better, I'd be able to function, do what I used to. Well that was wrong, staying of my leg, not walking, not moving, that's when i feel less pain, but then of course I get other pains and have to move. The neuromodulator took care of the all encompassing nerve pain, that used to be 24/7, now I have the motor pain, the feeling like my right leg is a sponge and every time my ankle flex's that feeling like fingernails on a blackboard, the pain in my knee and lower back. And the fact my left leg has to compensate for the irregular right leg's range of motion, gives me a wonderful set of aches and pains to. Medications are wonderful but I don't want the addictions that come with half of them, I've been trying to pretend to my wife that I'm fine but I think she knows. My life has become my injury and I never wanted it to, funny now I come to think of it, my wife rings me 3 times a day, if she cant get me on my mobile she rings the home phone. I think she is scared 1 day I might not answer. I just sent a very caustic email in response to my solicitors attempt to remind me of my appointment tomorrow, and my wife told me I'm supposed to keep them onside.WHY! They annoy me almost as much as the defendants legal team , they only care for themselves, and what they earn, not me. I am as much a file for them as I am the defendants.

I am sick of the whole bloody lot of them.