Continuing saga

[Wraith]

Its been a while since I last posted I thought I was over it but no the anger resentment , frustration ,self loathing ,are all still there just under the surface.

Yesterday I had to attend a view, organised by my legal team ,attended by a lawyer representing the other side ,and the company and their item that contributed to my injury. This goes back nearly six years ,and we get there and the item for view isnt close to what contributed to my injury, I walked towards it and wanted to smash it apart ,my lawyer told me 4 times not to do what I did ,my wife got in my face and told me I was stupid ,the smug representative and site manager smirked and smiled ,all the way home I copped an earfull ,and it just got worse at home. I have never wanted to hit someone more ,my angers out of control ,I get told there wont be a judgement till March or April next year. Since 2015 I havent had an income and have to live of my wifes wage ,before that I was getting the 75% of my pre injury wage ,after 130 weeks nothing from workcover , the only reason I am still here is because I would miss my wife and kids , it has got to the stage where I wonder if its worth it. My wife says I always show people a happy face and only she gets to see the real me. And then last night she said she thought we should seperate. Great. Another nail to add to my coffin, I really want to stay around and screw the 2 insurance companies but I dont know if I want to face it. Next week my Daughters getting engaged, the Monday after I go under the knife for my 19th surgery, 2 Drs have recently suggested an amputation . I have no money to give for the engagement, I'm scared about the upcoming surgery , and my good friend PAIN is still with me constantly. I really feel like I am self destructing, when I see something I want to step in ,not caring about myself. Sleep is not happening I lie in bed and feel the weight on my chest restricting breathing , sitting here ,typing this ,doesnt help either, like it used to .I have to go to centrelink and see if my disability pension has been approved ,bet it hasnt, and that just adds to my depression.

Isnt life wonderfull for those with a problem in their lives people dont care they look at you and nod but really think your milking it I even blew up at a little old guy who was pulling out of a disabled parking spot because he didnt have a label he pulled 1 out of the door pocket ,bet it wasnt his, I am just angry at everything and everyone.

[Wraith]

So for the last 5 years and eleven months I have struggled to recover from a workplace accident. 19 operations, blood tests beyond count, pain meds of all types and strengths, and throughout it all, my wife has stood beside me, supporting me,and enduring all the crap Ive put her through. Now in sight of the end (court case 2nd week of Feb) I dont know whether I can last. Anxiety attacks ,lack of sleep,severe depression,wanting to drink,and a feeling of loosing it,are all stifling me,Im becoming anti social,seperating from my family, distancing myself, because of my accident I lost all my friends, so THIS is my only recourse.Yeah I know I should see a shrink,and its been suggested before,here,but i dont want to bare my soul to some asshole who doesnt know me,and thinks he can help,all because he has a piece of paper that says so.You guys and gals are living with the same thing I am, I would rather listen to you.I can put up with alot of pain but lately its gotten so much worse, physical pain, not emotional, there is surveillance on my house from 1 of the insurance companies, center link hasn't approved my disability pension,and my wifes job is stressing her out to. I know whats caused my meltdown but I cant fix it,my MIL has come to stay with us while she recovers from a DVT, and she thinks her life isnt worth living, no one is worse off than her. She should spend a day in my shoes. And my sons moved over from SA, so we have a house full and no relief, no respite, life sucks, now all i need is another extension to the case and if that happens, well I just dont know where I will be.
Cheers people thanks for listening to me rant

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~
I’m sorry the situation is as before and you are still in the midst of the grind. I can’t say I envy you the additional people in your house. Does your wife get on with her mum?

When you said before about the possibility of separation my heart sank. Now you have said your wife is there for you I’m pretty pleased, I know mine made a world of difference to me.

I would like to say something. Your sense of perspective has become off-target. It’s very understandable considering the way you are being treated however you mentioned:

but i dont want to bare my soul to some asshole who doesnt know me,and thinks he can help, all because he has a piece of paper.

It is quite true that many medical personal associated with legal proceedings do not have the victim’s best interests at heart. It’s also true that even in normal life some are less than desirable. One that I saw was struck off.

That being said I’ve found there are GPs and psychiatrists who are ethical, not at all self-important and competent. I have been helped a great deal by them, in fact I would not be here without their efforts. I’m sure I’m not the only one here in the forum who can say the same thing.

So please don’t cut off a possible avenue of relief based on what some do. 4 sessions with a councilor is just not in the same class.

At the start of November you said you were going in for more surgery, can I ask how it turned out?

Croix

[Wraith]

Hey Croix

Thanks for the response mate.

My last surgery was a total waste of time.  So from that surgery to now the pains increased, my mobility has worsened, I fall more, and I am in danger of loosing my licence (no sensation in the foot at all).

Now to add insult to injury my lawyer rang yesterday, 1 of the defendants wants an adjournment till JUNE, because they want an independant engineers report on THEIR own product. They own them ,they built them, dont they know what they are like. I am going to my GPs today, I cant breathe,it feels like there is an elephant on my chest, I'm anxious and aggressive, I dont like myself at this point, oh but the good thing according to my lawyer is every medical report is in my favor as is our engineering report on their product.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

One of the hard things to accept it that the other side will not see you as a person with rights and needs, just as a business threat. It results in being treated in a soul-less manner.

That elephant on your chest is a good description, stress and panic attacks are horrible. When I've been less than kind to my partner in such circumstances I too have not liked myself, so I try to do something nice to make up for it. While the gesture might be small in comparison to the hurt caused I'm lucky in that my partner does recognize it and is pleased.

Good luck at the GP

Croix

[Wraith]

So March 2018 has just passed , and that marks 6 years since my workplace accident. Even with everything going on I didnt think that alone would affect me as much as it has. I have now passed 19 surgeries and my specialist is looking at now doing external fixation or whats commonly referred to as a "Halo" device. Other specialists and the internet show alot of lovely complications when you use that type of apparatus on the lower leg. They have already given me Golden Staph once before and this just seems like another ready made way to get it again. I've also been advised that a staged amputation would occur if that happened. WOW. So easy to choose which way to go.

Thats not the only thing I am struggling with either, according to my Drs I will never work again even my GP says so , so imagine my surprise when I attended Centrelink for my assessment for a disability pension and the assessor focused on what the head of the clinic wrote (a person I have only spoken to in reception) about me working in a call centre, over and over again. I cant stand for more than 10 minutes or sit in 1 place longer than 20, hell writing this I've had to move 3 times, so I still wait for their decision 7 months so far.

I thought my relationship was pretty solid , but my anger and frustration are ruining that to , I can feel the violence inside me , the anger, the rage , not at myself but outwards directed at others. The psychiatrist I saw for my case has suggested I need help but my GP ignores it to the extent He told me I should look after myself. I pity the person that crosses me. They wont come out the other end in 1 piece. I know I need help I need something at this stage what eludes me. Sleep is a rarity and its worse now because I cant afford my MEDS, a roof and food for the 2 of us is more important , there are so many things going on in my life right now that I am not coping at all , nothing interests me anymore , TV is crap , Drinking or Drugs have zero appeal luckily.

I just dont know anymore.

[Croix]

Dear Wraiht~

Welcome back, I'm sorry things have not improved. Trying to deal wiht Centerlink is really the pits. It is in their interest to deny as much as possible and take as long as the can in the process.

I hope you don't mind if I mention a couple of things - I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you have not thought of already. While naturally your focus is on your leg, the loss of abilities and the way you have been treated - all terrible, looking from the outside two things stand out.

The first is that your relationship with you wife is suffering due partly to circumstances and partly to the build up of anger you feel. When furious and frustrated, and probably frightened, it is extremely hard to see at the time the value of someone to love and be loved by. No doubt the pressure of others living with the pair of you does not help.

What do you think you can do to help the relationship?

The second thing is proper medical support. I know you have doctors assessing you for the court case and Centerlink. You doctor just saying 'look after yourself' simply is not good enough. Is it possible to see someone else specifically to look after your mental welfare?

I don't know if it is helpful or annoying to talk this way to you (probably the latter:) however I'm trying to look at what's most important in your life. My apologies if I'm on the wrong track

Croix

[Wraith]

Hi Croix

Lack of sleep always in pain lessening function in the leg lack of ANY compassion from anyone in a position to help either my side or welfare . there is only 1 way , suck it up and be myself , not let anyone else in and ignore everything else. I am so sick of Drs and the experiments they try on me pathetic all of them .

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

I must admit I've been luckier than you. I've a degenerative spinal condition but the pain is mostly under control and my doctors are pretty reasonable. As I said pure luck. Plus I've had my MH conditions for a very long time so they and I have reached a 'truce'.

I guess all that only partly lets me understand where you are at, I'd probably sound much the same as you in the same circumstances.

The reason I tmentioned your relationship was not to intrude or anything, just I look at my own life and I've have two allies who have stood by me and even when they did not understand fully have always tried (and had to put up with an awful lot). So I worry you might push away something that got me thorough due to the anger and pain.

Anyway please know this place is here for you anytime. Even when solutions are not plentiful there a good will, and genuine care.

Croix

[Wraith]

My psychiatrist and psychologist both say I'm suffering PTSD.Yesterday I went to court for what my Barrister said would be a day of arguments.What a load of BULL, my ex employer says I don't deserve anything from him at all as the case does not fall within the meaning or definition of the law. The bin company says it isn't their fault as they only use the bins, and I shouldn't have climbed on the bin even though it wasn't marked dangerous, and yet there is a warning on their own website about high winds while using the bin. I thought the law covered you while at work or to and from work. Obviously if you have the right Barrister that law goes out the door, we as employees should be able to go to work do what we are told to do and be covered against injury, if your told to do something and object what happens.YOU GET FIRED. If you go to work do what your told and get injured, YOU GET FIRED. As an employee your damned if you do and damned if you dont. I am unemployable now and yet I get nothing, I have to rely on my wife working to keep me in pain meds, food and housing. I'm a man thats my responsibility not hers, and good old centrelink has said MY osteoarthritis isnt bad enough for a disability pension, and the person that made that decision is a BOTANIST. Well last time I looked I wasnt a plant. Where is the support the compassion the humanity. While I sat in court yesterday before the Justice made his appearance I had to listen to my Barrister talk to the opposition barrister about the time they spent in Bali, and how when my solicitor rang him he was standing in the pool sipping his drink. What world do these people live in, we get injured they make the money, we suffer.My condition hasnt improved its getting worse, do the privileged care, NO, should they, I dont know, all I know is its getting darker and darker in my world and something is going to break, something will happen, what I dont know, havent an idea, but I know it has to, for the sake of us all, and our sanity , because I think I'm losing mine, or maybe I've already lost it and thats why I have to vent like this.

If you take the time to read this , thank you.

I had to get it out before I burst, it makes it a little easier .

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

It's been a few days since I checked up on you and things sound a right mess. The trouble is you are right in what yo say, nobody is interested in looking after you , just ducking for cover and the legal fraternity is no help. As you say a different world. I was lucky in comparison and my employer did not contest anything.

Needing to vent is not a sign of losing sanity, it is sign of too much pressure, I'm sure you know this. I wish there was something I could do other than just read the words.

It is very galling not to be a breadwinner any more. I know the feeling. You wife will of course be under a lot of pressure too, just as mine was. May I ask what she says about all this?

Croix