Continuing saga

[Wraith]

Its been a while since I last posted I thought I was over it but no the anger resentment , frustration ,self loathing ,are all still there just under the surface.

Yesterday I had to attend a view, organised by my legal team ,attended by a lawyer representing the other side ,and the company and their item that contributed to my injury. This goes back nearly six years ,and we get there and the item for view isnt close to what contributed to my injury, I walked towards it and wanted to smash it apart ,my lawyer told me 4 times not to do what I did ,my wife got in my face and told me I was stupid ,the smug representative and site manager smirked and smiled ,all the way home I copped an earfull ,and it just got worse at home. I have never wanted to hit someone more ,my angers out of control ,I get told there wont be a judgement till March or April next year. Since 2015 I havent had an income and have to live of my wifes wage ,before that I was getting the 75% of my pre injury wage ,after 130 weeks nothing from workcover , the only reason I am still here is because I would miss my wife and kids , it has got to the stage where I wonder if its worth it. My wife says I always show people a happy face and only she gets to see the real me. And then last night she said she thought we should seperate. Great. Another nail to add to my coffin, I really want to stay around and screw the 2 insurance companies but I dont know if I want to face it. Next week my Daughters getting engaged, the Monday after I go under the knife for my 19th surgery, 2 Drs have recently suggested an amputation . I have no money to give for the engagement, I'm scared about the upcoming surgery , and my good friend PAIN is still with me constantly. I really feel like I am self destructing, when I see something I want to step in ,not caring about myself. Sleep is not happening I lie in bed and feel the weight on my chest restricting breathing , sitting here ,typing this ,doesnt help either, like it used to .I have to go to centrelink and see if my disability pension has been approved ,bet it hasnt, and that just adds to my depression.

Isnt life wonderfull for those with a problem in their lives people dont care they look at you and nod but really think your milking it I even blew up at a little old guy who was pulling out of a disabled parking spot because he didnt have a label he pulled 1 out of the door pocket ,bet it wasnt his, I am just angry at everything and everyone.

[Wraith]

So its been awhile since I posted anything, not that I didn't have anything to say ,it was just I didn't want to bring myself lower by talking about all the crap in my life.

Life that's funny because I don't consider what I am doing as living, maybe surviving, but sometimes I don't even want to do that. So for those of you that have followed my adventures after having a workplace accident, after the debacle of a court appearance, we had to wait for another date to hear my civil case before the Supreme court, my lawyer sent me an email and I thought ,great its not to far away, September 19th, then when my wife got home and I showed her, 2019. Well when i realised it was another 12 months I blew a fuse, hell, I blew the whole circuit board, so my Psychologist is telling me I have depression and PTSD, my psychiatrist, is saying anxiety and depression which is getting worse, my lawyer is running around like a headless chicken, trying to get my weekly payments reinstated, and nobody gives a damn. Last week I saw on the news that if you have less than $900 for a couple per week then you are classed as below the poverty line.

Well shit tell me something I didn't know, centrelink wont help because my wife earns to much, even though the bulk of her wage goes to the rent, my bloody pain meds because I don't get a pension cost $35 a script, now I have anti depressants pain killers and sleeping pills, soon I'll have my own pharmacy, and still the lawyers just keep plodding along, and don't get me started on trying to claim your super because of a permanent disability. Talk about a cruel circle, and know I have to go back to an independent medical panel, to beg for my payments. Last week my wife and I had 25 cents to last us over 3 days.

Thank God we live in the Lucky country, just don't get hurt at work, or if you do have the good grace to pass away. Its easier on you and every one else.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

Well, it may be a sad state of affairs that you have comeback with such news, however I am pleased to hear from you anyway.

Throughout your thread there are two things I take encouragement from. The first is you are still have that indomitable spirit, no matter what, and the second is you spoke of you wife still being with you. If you remember around April things could have been better between you.

For people to endure is a very great thing - and easily overlooked. While most here will not have the medical or legal hassles you have faced, many do have differing sorts of terrible things in their lives.

So to read of your battle and spirit is a guide, and that includes for me, who has it easy in comparison.

I've no easy fixes or deep wisdom to offer, if I had I've have offered it long ago to you. I can offer my admiration.

Without wishing to harp on something I'm sure you know may I mention that I've had two partners (one passed away) and they are probably the single most important thing in my life. You are right, the world is uncaring and full of self-seeking people and organizations and the 'Justice system' is badly misnamed.

So one person who cares and is on your side is a wonder, when my first anger and need for isolation reduced I've tried to cherish them ever since.

If singing out here helps, even a tiny bit, then please do so

Croix

[Wraith]

Hey Croix

It does help a little having a place to vent and just loose it is better than walking outside and yelling at the moon. The most galling thing I think I have come across personally is to be told by centrelink that my osteoarthritis isn't bad enough to warrant a disability pension. I almost feel like going there and driving some 4 inch nails through there feet and see how painful they reckon it is, and now more medication and anti depressant meds as well, hell I rattle now. As a great man once said shit happens and I am about 90 cm below the top and sinking fast, but I'm not taking anyone else with me. Man the guns and full steam ahead, into the battle rode the brave 600. There are so many quotes and so little time.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

One of the very hardest things I've found is to keep a clear perspective about myself and others at times when people and organizations are deliberately set up to execute their agendas at my expense.

Frankly I believe that it is in the government's interest to minimize the number of people on disability pensions, and thus staff are (at the very least) discouraged from being proactive and helping 'clients'.

Common sense dictates a certificate from a GP together with a detailed report from a specialist should suffice, however it does not seem to, with non-medical staff being the decision-makers.

One ends up feeling of no worth, and powerless too.

Without giving up your battles with the authorities is there anything you can do to personally feel more settled, even distracted, at times?

Croix

[Wraith]

So its now November 2018, 3 months ago I had my day in court and whether deliberate or not someone on my side didnt do what he was supposed to do. They left something out of the supposition presented to the Defendants AND the court itself. So instead of having my day it was put back to LATE next year. So I asked my solicitor to start proceedings to get my wage supplement reinstated. I told him I wanted it heard by the Magistrate, but somehow it was referred to an independent medical panel. The case has been to court twice now, my wife and I are surviving on her wage alone, rent bills food petrol, 1 wage doesn't go far. And this afternoon he tells me we should have a hearing THIS YEAR. My condition mentally and physically is getting worse and worse, my 23rd surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday, there is a dark black hole in my chest, I am useless, I feel useless, and I really dont see it getting better. My psychiatrist has me on anti depressants which I cant afford to buy, my psychologist is worried about my attitude and is seeing me twice a month. Its fine going to see them but it doesn't help for very long, I come home walk inside and the same old feelings are there, all day every day. I don't like going out because people don't respect crutches and more than once I have nearly fallen, kids run around and don't look, an idiot the other day stood on my foot, and did I yell. I cant concentrate on my computer and hate the tv. I wrote once before it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, well its still there and now worse than ever before, I am actually thinking of some very dark thoughts, and the fact I am worries me my sleep is controlled by medication, so its not a restful or refreshing sleep. I don't like sleep and I don't want to be awake. I am now in a very dark place, this is because as a worker you try to be indispensable, and when you get hurt they shake your hand and tell you your useless and then go on a European holiday and when they get back your fired. Yeah great world we live in.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

Well, things are still in the state they were, you are being given the worst the system has to offer and it seems no matter what you do it is not working. So I feel for you, your frustration and physical pain, its limiting factors plus of course lack of money. Thank goodness for your partner.

I've no doubt said it before but at times my only recourse has been a mental escape. To try to put aside for a little while all the real and pressing sharp edges of life and live in another world. I do it via books and movies.It does not mean I do not know the real world, just try to blunt its effects for a time.

I cannot see how you are useless, your tenacity alone is praiseworthy. The reason I retreated to books was becuse of very strong motivation, I found life outside them so unpleasant I'd try anything. So what might you do to take you mind of next Tuesday, finances and all for a little while?

I'm not lecturing, do-gooding, minimising or trying to fix. Just trying to share from my life.

Croix

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[blondguy]

Hi Wraith

I am sorry to be so late into your thread topic. I would be in a world of hurt if I was in your shoes. These forums only exist for people like you and I that have been through a seriously crap time in our lives

I understand where you are coming from as I was made redundant 3 years ago and it hit me like a freight train and yes its bad news...I get it. If you can help me out Wraith....when you mention the elephant sitting on your chest....do you mean super tight breathing?

You are not alone with taking meds....this is my 22nd year taking antidepressants which I resisted for a long time and then I realised that they actually made me feel better and I wasnt so angry and frustrated anymore

I know you may not agree Wraith....yet I see a strong guy that is far from useless in any way. There are many people I know that dont have the strength you have

Croix (above) has offered some excellent counsel where healing is concerned.

I really hope you can stick around the forums Wraith

you are not alone here

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Wraith]

Thanks again for reading Croix, I told my Psychiatrist I was venting on these forums and even she agreed it was good to vent to let it out and not concentrate on the bad . It still hurts today but not as much as when i typed my message, and today I have my 2 Granddaughters staying overnight so its hard to be down with 2 beautiful little girls around. You know how its supposed to be working hard and keeping the family , well it hurts not being able to do even that little thing, and that's why even a small stipend from the insurance company would help, but knowing they aren't in the business to be helpful is what pains me the most.

[Wraith]

Hello Paul

Thanks for taking the time to read my nightmare story, an ongoing epic saga, my accident happened because I wanted to be indispensable to my employer, when I finally managed to get back on light duties, and my wife came to pick me up he told her I was next to useless, then he went on his European holiday came back and told me because of a downturn in commercial sales I was let go. Funny thing HE handled commercial sales, so it was just a way to get rid of dead weight, ME. Did you know the legal definition of a fall is from a height of 2 metres off the ground and the impacted injury site, so the fact I was knocked nearly 3 metres over concrete didnt matter, considering my ankle and lower leg was the injury site, it was only at a height of 1.4 metres, what a joke. My reference to the Elephant was the constricting weight you feel , like being crushed, unable too draw breath. I had a discussion with my wife while we tried to get some sleep, and told her, I know I'm not suicidal but at the same time my self preservation instinct is at an all time low, I pity the fool that tries anything with me.

I look through the forums and put my 2 cents worth in when I can, so I will be hanging around for a good while yet.

[Croix]

Dear Wraith~

That last scented you said to Paul is something special. Being here and turning all the ghastly things that have happened t you into advice is one of the secrets of life. I turn my illnesses and suicidal problems into words to give to others to help them get through. There is nothing like the sincerity and wisdom that come from harsh experience.

It may sound funny given your physical and legal situation however the fact you are here and will help others is a win all round.

Croix

Croix