Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

[funkyzoom]

Hi everyone!

32 year old single male, living and working in Australia since 3 years now. I 'appear' to have a decent, well paying job, and to bystanders I seem like a regular, happy-go-lucky person who lives life on his own terms. I enjoy travelling, watching movies playing video games, listening to music (I used to be the lead vocalist of a local rock/metal band in my home country during my University days) and working out at the gym.

Now comes the other part. I was diagnosed with BorderLine Personality Disorder, clinical depression and anxiety at age 13, and life has been pretty tough ever since. I never did well at school, and my grades were almost always pathetic. I struggled to get/keep jobs, and was nearly homeless at one point after being unemployed for over 6 months. I grew up with a severe inferiority complex, and intense self-hate, which has remained till this day.

I was on meds for over a decade, but have been taken off them now. I do have monthly therapy sessions with a psychologist, but I am unable to visit a psychiatrist for meds (I feel I really need meds now) because psychiatrists are too expensive in Australia.

So I have no family or friends around here (I feel too inferior to interact with people and befriend them), live alone in a rented apartment, feel like crap all day, am stuck in a terrible, highly stressful job where I feel like a prisoner (unable to switch jobs due to anxiety, and unable to quit because I need the job to pay my bills). I don't remember the last time I felt even remotely happy. I basically feel ugly, dumb, pathetic and unworthy (have felt this way since I was 5 or so). I sometimes feel like killing myself, but I lack the courage to do it and likely won't ever attempt it (so I am safe).

I am a total trainwreck at the moment. Quitting this pathetic job may help a lot, but I may never get another job because I don't have a professional network here. I am basically ready to do ANY job now, but pretty sure no one will hire me. I also long for some company, but I feel that the world hates me and my BPD turns people away. I have nightmares about dying alone.

I am just wasting away my life, and all doors seem to be closed on me. This post is just a desperate cry for help, hoping that someone, somewhere will relate to me.

[Donte]

Wowww Funkyzoom!

Your awareness and insight is amazing!

You describe your background and the effect it has on you with such mindfulness and clarity which is truly commendable!

It means you know exactly where your problems come from and this gives you the chance to allow yourself to explore, feel and live differently now that you have decided to leave all that behind.

It seems you have made the physical move, now is time to make the emotional, mental, psychological move and bring yourself to this new mindset. This recovery mindset takes time and is not easy but equally, migrating here as a skilled migrant wasn't easy either! Yet, you did it!

You are definitely on your way my friend! And we are all here to support you make the shift. 🙂

[Donte]

Hey Funkyzoom,

Just wanted to say that there are many agencies that cater for people with mental health issues looking for work and they support your job search all the way, including supporting you in your workplace for up to 12 months after you start work to ensure a smooth transition. I was enrolled in one of these agencies a few year back and found a job through them. I stayed in that position for ten months and they supported me along the way. Worthwhile exploring if you feel you may need this.

As for the online peer-support versus the face to face - yes, they are different experiences. Online we have the freedom of anonymity and the chance to portray whatever we want after careful consideration, editing etc. In real life we are face to face with others who read our body language and gestures and our intonation etc and judge us before we have finished our sentence. However, there are peer-support groups that you can join which meet regularly and allow you the opportunity to be yourself with others who experience similar things with you in a safe and friendly and confidential environment. Worth checking out if you are interested. I have joined various groups throughout my life and each has helped me in some way to deal with the crisis I was facing at the time. But above all it helps to give yourself permission to be. To allow yourself to feel and share with others and to make special time aside to honor yourself and your needs and to recognise the importance of your needs and emotions. You matter!

[Brunswick]

Hi there, funkyzoom, it really sounds like you're doing everything you can to help yourself. I hope you've written to Dr Kim and found a psychiatrist to help you.

From all the posts you've written, I agree with everyone else that you've got nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, you sound like someone any girl would love to marry and have kids with.

The thing is, nobody's perfect. And the only 'problem' you have is your negative thoughts. What you need to realize and keep reminding yourself is that these thoughts ate not true. They are a result of things that happened in the past, perhaps things that people said to you which you believed. They can also be the result of your illness. I too suffer from a mental illness (depression), so I too am constantly reminding myself that most of my negative thoughts are not real.

We expect too much - of life, of other people and of ourselves. The funny thing is that when we accept ourselves with all our imperfections, we are more able to enjoy life and be happy. And even help other people. Even someone in their deathbed, can be loving and bring happiness to others.

Our lives seem hard. They are. Life is hard. But it's not true that we're not doing well. We're doing so much better than we think. Just hanging on to your job and doing your best is already more than what many people can do. You should find time everyday to congratulate yourself. Prepare a nice dinner every night. Give yourself a treat. Go watch a movie, meet up with other people. If everytime you see other people being happy and it reminds you of your own unhappiness, remind yourself that they are also probably struggling as well.

It's not wrong to realize that you need medication. But you can also help yourself by looking at how well you've done and are doing. Keep it up, mate.You're a fantastic guy.

[Donte]

Hello Brunswick (and wave Funkyzoom and everyone)

What a lovely post Brunswick! I felt heart-warmed and hopeful reading it even if it wasn’t addressed to me. Hope Funkyzoom will feel supported too by your message!

I’m a type of person who finds cooking relaxing, innovating, challenging and an act that brings me to the present, similarly with gardening and walking the dogs.Reading your post made me contemplate.

I think sometimes all it takes to get us out of our current mindset is a simple act (like cooking for instance) to take us out of our thought patterns and make us concentrate on what’s in front of us -don’t burn the food!

I came to realize long ago that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts come and go and they can be external influences or past events that help them take shape. When my thoughts overwhelm me I just focus my attention on my breath. I breathe inhaling and exhaling and think of nothing else. In time my mind empties and the thoughts that seemed a reality a while ago just evaporate. Disappear.

Ive concluded that I’m not my thoughts. I’m my breath. The only constant and reliable force that I have. The thing that keeps me alive. Thoughts are thoughts. They’re not me.

Sometimes diverting your mind into something practical and keep busy creating something be it a cake, a painting, music or whatever it may be, could be all that it takes to pull us out of the negative mindset which dies nothing for us but sabotage us and make us feel hopeless.

[Brunswick]

Thank you, donte. Is this the opposite of Dante? The man we all associate with visions of Hell? You sound like the positive version, :).

I also like your avatar. It's a funny thought, isn't it? That we need to believe in ourselves. If we don't, who will? So true.

[Donte]

Hello Brunswick,

Donte’ was the name of one of my dogs. He was a rescue so had the name already when I got him. Not sure where he got it from. So in his memory for all the live he gave me and in a way ‘rescued’ me, I decided to honor him.

The picture is a unicorn! No one believes they exist. But that doesn’t matter at all as long as we are our only benchmark. I believe this. It doesn’t matter what others think or believe about me - it doesn’t make it true or real, the main thing is what I believe about myself. X

[Donte]

Hello Funkyzoom,

I read this somewhere and I thought I’d share it here:

Pretty Ugly.

I’m very ugly

So don’t try to convince me that

I am a very beautiful person

Because at the end of the day

I hate myself in every single way

And I’m not going to lie to myself by saying

There is beauty inside of me that matters

So rest assured I will remind myself

That I'm a worthless, terrible person

And nothing you say will make me believe

I still deserve love

Because no matter what

I’m not good enough to be loved

And I am in no position to believe that

Beauty does exist within me

Because whenever I look in the mirror I always think

Am I as ugly as people say?

(Now read bottom up)

By Abdullah Shoaib

[Brunswick]

This is one very beautiful poem. Like you, and so many people here.

[funkyzoom]

Donte, I honestly have no words to describe how much of a difference your words are making to me, as I continue my battle against my illness.

I missed too many posts, and I read them all today. Every word. And I can't express my gratitude enough. You, and the others here, are complete strangers to me. And nobody owes me anything. Yet, you are all being so kind, gentle and helpful. Why isn't most of humanity like this?

And special thanks to you for that poem. I have saved it on my phone, and will be going through it whenever I feel unattractive.

I am not able to respond to everything you said, since I missed a lot over the past few days. But I did read everything, and my respect and admiration for you has only grown higher!

By the way, are you able to point me towards job agencies that cater for the mentally ill? From what you described, it seem just like what I need at the moment. A quick Google search did not help much, and my results were quite ambiguous. If proving names is considered advertising around here, please don't bother with it. I'll do a bit more research myself and try to figure it out.

Also, a peer support group would really help me during these testing times. There seem to be quite a few support groups for anxiety and depression, but I suppose one centred around BPD would be more suitable for me since my anxiety and depression are supposedly only symptoms of my BPD, which is the root cause. My therapist mentioned that she will assist me with finding such a group for BPD, the next time I visit her.

Joining this forum was perhaps one of the best things I have done to help myself. Ad I actually feel like there is now a place for me in this evil world, in spite of whatever flaws I have.

Thanks once again!

P.S. I will start posting on other threads here, since I now feel familiar and comfortable enough with the platform to open up.

[funkyzoom]

Wow Brunswick, that's some way to cheer someone up! You said I am a 'fantastic' guy! I don't even remember the last time someone called me fantastic.

I am starting to feel more enthusiastic towards life these days. And every time I log into these forums, I log out a happier man!