Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

[funkyzoom]

Hi everyone!

32 year old single male, living and working in Australia since 3 years now. I 'appear' to have a decent, well paying job, and to bystanders I seem like a regular, happy-go-lucky person who lives life on his own terms. I enjoy travelling, watching movies playing video games, listening to music (I used to be the lead vocalist of a local rock/metal band in my home country during my University days) and working out at the gym.

Now comes the other part. I was diagnosed with BorderLine Personality Disorder, clinical depression and anxiety at age 13, and life has been pretty tough ever since. I never did well at school, and my grades were almost always pathetic. I struggled to get/keep jobs, and was nearly homeless at one point after being unemployed for over 6 months. I grew up with a severe inferiority complex, and intense self-hate, which has remained till this day.

I was on meds for over a decade, but have been taken off them now. I do have monthly therapy sessions with a psychologist, but I am unable to visit a psychiatrist for meds (I feel I really need meds now) because psychiatrists are too expensive in Australia.

So I have no family or friends around here (I feel too inferior to interact with people and befriend them), live alone in a rented apartment, feel like crap all day, am stuck in a terrible, highly stressful job where I feel like a prisoner (unable to switch jobs due to anxiety, and unable to quit because I need the job to pay my bills). I don't remember the last time I felt even remotely happy. I basically feel ugly, dumb, pathetic and unworthy (have felt this way since I was 5 or so). I sometimes feel like killing myself, but I lack the courage to do it and likely won't ever attempt it (so I am safe).

I am a total trainwreck at the moment. Quitting this pathetic job may help a lot, but I may never get another job because I don't have a professional network here. I am basically ready to do ANY job now, but pretty sure no one will hire me. I also long for some company, but I feel that the world hates me and my BPD turns people away. I have nightmares about dying alone.

I am just wasting away my life, and all doors seem to be closed on me. This post is just a desperate cry for help, hoping that someone, somewhere will relate to me.

[funkyzoom]

Thank you for your encouragement. You are certainly not the first person to tell me that all this negativity about myself is just in my head. I just hope that is true.

I just don't know how to make a fresh start, after decades of constant hammering to my brain. I am just tired and weary. I wonder if there are job agencies that cater specifically to people with mental illnesses. I don't want to 'compete' with the general population anymore, its just too hard.

Most importantly, at this point, I just need quality people to interact with. People who consider me as a human, instead of judging me for my illness. I am tired of loneliness. I am glad that I found this forum, and I am getting inspired. But I wonder how I can interact or meet such people in real life. People who have been kind to me, or supported me, have almost always been strangers on the internet. Maybe that is because I come off as a much more terrible person in real life, and my online persona is more 'acceptable'. I am just puzzled.

[Donte]

Thank you Funkyzoom for your kind words and empathy.

Yeah, death sucks!

No words can ever bring comfort. No belief system can ever change the fact. Unfathomable and yet the only certainty.

Admittedly, I have learnt so much by being present by his death bed. Yes? We are all beautiful on the inside. One would hope so. But one would never know.

We are our only benchmark you see. I’m only me and don’t need to be anything else. That’s the beauty of existence. Despite society’s and religion’s efforts to make us all the same, to fit us into the system, the beauty with humanity is it’s stubbornness and rebelliousness.

No one can ever wipe that smile of our faces unless we let them.

Change is inevitable. I’m going through tremendous changes currently where I’m forced to reduce my income and survive with so much less that quiet frankly I’m not sure if I’ll make it. But in life it’s all about acceptance. Aging, illness, relationship breakdown etc is all about accepting.

As for the friends and acquaintances and their relationships and families, I’ve learnt that things are never as they seem. The grass is actually no greener on the other side.

As a middle aged single dude I could be desolate and depressed about the prospect of ever finding a pair again; but do I really wanted?

Life is good when you fall in-love with yourself!

[funkyzoom]

Firstly, apologies for the late response. I went to hell and back over the last few days. Several panic attacks, thoughts of self harm (I didn't act on them), constant sobbing etc. I thought I couldn't make it through this one. But I did, as I have many times in the past. And so my fight against my inner demons continues.

You seem like a really inspirational person. So much pain, yet so much strength in every word you type here. People like me have a lot to learn from you.

The posts made by you and the others in this thread, seem like a 'feel good' manual to me. Thanks again!

[Donte]

Hello Funkyzoom,

Thank you for replying even though you are at such a hard place currently.

You said ‘I went to hell and back’ and that’s the most important thing: ‘and back’. So welcome back!

Life is certainly not a walk in the park at times. There’s a lot of pain, hardship, confusion, sadness and fear. But there’s also much love, joy, happiness, calm and peace.

Thank you for your kind remark. Yes. Lots of pain over here but also lots of enjoyment and purpose and meaningful existence.

I’m thankful for the pain for without I wouldn’t have known how to appreciate and value the calm, joyful, happy moments.

Life is just a breath my friend. Just like a steam rising from a pot with boiling water - here now, gone in a jiff.

It is a hard time for me too right now as my late pertner’s Birthday is approaching. He died two weeks before his 40th. Queens birthday is also his birthday.

Anyway. Always love to hear from you. I need it as much as you do. X

[Croix]

Dear Funkyzoom (and Donte' if listening)~

I hope you don't mind if I pop in for a moment and offer a few thoughts. I've been reading your thread and feel for you. I also wonder if perhaps you might be more down on yourself than you deserve. As others have said here you have faced the challenge of another country, navigated uni, been in a band, stuck to a job, even though it is the pits, and just as importantly kept up constant loving contact with your family. I've probably missed some things but you get the idea. You sound a worthy and capable person stuck in poor circumstances.

The first thing I wanted to say is that there are more good kind people around than you might suppose, even in little things like giving up a seat in a tram. As you would expect for someone to understand another that has an illness, mental or otherwise, it helps to have been there too. There are an awful lot of people that have had depression and anxiety in all its flavors, and not just on this Forum. Once people get to know you (out of that exploitative job) I would imagine you will find many who see and enjoy the you and not be blinkered by the illness.

Women are not all as you suppose, maybe too little contact can sour one's perceptions. I'm very ordinary, but after my first partner died I found another when approaching middle age. I had a variety of mental illnesses (still do) and no paid job and little money - plus I smoked. But I made that person happy, as she does me. We are still together. A prospective partner sees things in you that you may not.

Donte' has given excellent advice, and talked of hobbies which are a wonderful window out of this world. One of the things you desperately need is good things in your life, things to look forward to each day. So what do you think might be suitable? Singing perhaps? Citizen science? Carpentry? Volunteering at something? I've no idea, but I suspect you might. Something you can enjoy for its own sake.

From what you have gone though I'm sure you would cope with that job coming to an end.

Excuse me for a moment ...

Donte': I wanted to let you know anniversaries such as you face are hard, I've been there. If I've done nothing to prepare I can end up on the day feeling great grief without a break. So I do prepare, I've trapped myself with an appointment or arrangements to be out doing something. It helps. I'm probably telling you something of which you are well aware, however at least you will know others understand and care.

Croix

[Donte]

Hello Croix,

Thank you for your insightful comment.

For me it hit home on a number of times while reading your response.

The suggestions you provide are indeed very valuable.

It is so good to hear you talk about your experience and (for me), particularly repartnering after the loss of your partner and finding a special connection and someone who sees and accepts you for who you truly are.

I found your story encouraging and hopeful. It made me feel that there are others out there with similar experiences and not all is lost.

Thank you x

[funkyzoom]

You are one AMAZING person, you know that? I wish I could develop the kind of attitude you have. Instead, I am wasting my life away in sadness and misery. It is not like I am not trying. But my efforts, for the ost part, have been futile.

I am taking a week long break from this torturous workplace in July, and will be going on a longish road trip. Hopefully that should cheer me up a bit

[funkyzoom]

@Cronix

Of course, I won't mind you popping in!

I just want to be around likeminded people. My illness cripples me, and it is the root cause of everything I feel about myself. That doesn't mean I have nothing to offer. All I want is to be accepted as part of the human race. I don't need any special favours. We are all born alone, and we die alone. No one is obliged to do us favours. But it feels nice to be accepted and valued for once. I am sick and tired of 'pretending' to be enjoying my life solo, with no friends or family. I am not. I can't hold back tears whenever I am out in public, and see people with friends or in groups, laughing and chatting away. I don't know what makes me so repulsive that I have supposedly been banished from being part of the human race.

Most of my problems are cultural. I hail from an extremely conservative and traditional culture which belongs in the stone age. I always felt trapped back there. I never fit in with the 'society', and I was made to feel 'different'. This is the main reason I got out of there. Australia was just a random choice I made, because I just wanted to get out of my country (didn't matter where). When I was struggling without a job for the first six months after my arrival, and couldn't even afford two meals a day, I kept telling myself that begging on the streets here would still be a better life than going back to my home country.

Australia gave me the freedom and liberty I always craved (No, I am not a refugee, and I have nothing against refugees. I arrived here as a skilled migrant) . And I feel privileged to call it my home now. Ironically, I am still trapped in my cultural bubble (29 years of being part of a particular culture doesn't go away). And combined with my mental illness, I am just not able to make use of all the lovely things Australia has to offer. Instead, I am just stuck in a crappy job, and spend my time at home sad and depressed all the time.

And the part about women..that's cultural too. Where I come from, healthy interaction between men and women is not encouraged. And since childhood, we are made to feel that interacting with people of the opposite gender (anything more than absolutely essential) is 'wrong'. Perhaps this is the reason why my relationships (I have only had a few) have been with really toxic women who made sure I suffered every minute I was with them. It then led me to believe that I must be a low quality man, since I only seem to attract low quality women.

[Croix]

Dear Funkyzoom~
I'm pleased you did not mind.

I saw your phrase 'cultural bubble' and that reminded me I came out from the UK, and also from a different time. I grew up in the late 40's and 50's, and while that is not the massive difference you had to (and still are) dealing with nevertheless in a small way I can relate to the long shadow childhood culture casts.

It is not permanent, attitudes modify.

I came from a blinkered society where men did not show feelings and discounted in many ways the strengths of women. A lot of people in society were unjustly treated. There were other matters too. A rigid place.

As I've lived out quite a long life a lot in me has changed, I’ve found the role originally set out for me was sadly lacking. As just one example when I was invalided out of my occupation by PTSD, anxiety etc I found how necessary it was to rely upon my partner, and found how she was as capable as I ever was, wiser and and probably stronger too.

Like you I am no longer 'from' that place of origin, I'm from there plus here too. We grow.

Also I'm not sure about always dying alone. True for many I guess but for some there can be another to hold your hand and ease the passing, I've done that (and now I'm getting a little upset - not exactly stiff-upper-lip, but it's all good). I suspect Donte' can relate to this.

I was going to write more, but think it is time to stop for the moment.

I hope you have a relaxing and enjoyable break

Donte’: I’m glad we related as we did and you found some encouragement. It works both ways.

Croix

[Donte]

Hello Funkyzoom,

Thank you for your kind words.

We are ALL amazing. Everyone is uniquely amazing and we all contribute to our environment and people around us. We all make the world the place that it is.

Other people are a mirror where we can reflect ourselves upon with every interaction we have. Each person brings out something different and in ways nobody else does. In a way the whole world is an extension of ourselves and we also are an extension of the world.

At times we feel alone, cut off, disconnected and we are reminded of our differences and this can accentuate the negative feelings. This can happen when we think too much or look too deeply inside so we lose touch with the bigger picture. But that's only natural and it doesn't have to stay like this for the rest of our lives. Luckily we are not trees, or rocks. We are people. We can move. We don't need to remain stuck in one spot forever. We have choices. We decide what we want and make it happen. You are a great proof of that with migrating, studying, working and surviving against the odds.

I am delighted that you managed to take time off and enjoy your road trip! Great way to move away from what drains you and drags you down. Lovely to give time to yourself to relax, enjoy, reflect and recharge before you make a decision about the future. X