Good Morning Everyone - Hope everyone is doing good and on the path of recovery

[Reyman]

Hi

Thought of introducing myself, and even though the forum is about mental issues, i wanted to express the need to understand other with mental issues and bring a ray of hope in their lives.

I am going through a bit, and its taken me about 6 months to think of opening an account on BB.

About me: 36 yo returning migrant to lovely Melbourne after a 7 year stint in my country of birth.

in those 7 years, had a good job, met my wife, married, got a daughter, a cat, a house and a whole lot of extended family issues that we broomed under a thick blanket.

These issues are propping up (well for my life) now that she wants to change her life. However i am a doofus at most things and mis-interpret or don't interpret things properly. (dont know)

My wife is going through serious changes in her life, and she is the type of person that doesn't talk very much (the reverse of me) and instead actions on things. her motto is Actions speak louder than words.

Well for the most part of her transition, i am left with a child and a house thinking things up. i even thought that she was cheating and confronted her 4 times about it - every time her answers were that she is going through a personal change and the extended family issues has affected her a lot.

I've realised a lot through those conversations, but i assume/think/digest so many thoughts that im reaching a point where i am now completely lost. i normally have a pretty strong guide in life - i know what i want to do, where i am going and i make it happen.

I wake up most mornings and all i think of is whats for breakfast, we are late, whats for lunch, whats for dinner, kid time....repeat

i hope i can get some help - because i dont know what to do - i just wanna talk to someone who wont judge me

thanks for all

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Reyman,

Good on you for reaching out here. I get what you’re saying about the fear of being judged as I feel a lot of us also fear it. I hope that I can help alleviate some of that fear by letting you know that the people here are a caring and deeply compassionate group from my personal experience 🙂

I take it that you’re going through a big transition period in so many aspects of your life, and your wife is clearly undergoing a lot of changes too. No wonder you’re sounding so uncertain and feeling lost...this must be particularly hard on you as you’re used to a degree of certainty.

I can relate to your wife’s mentality of being action oriented...it seems some of her recent decisions have really left you feeling very shaken and perhaps even insecure. But if I’m wrong, please don’t hesitate to let me know...

I was wondering if you have much offline support at the moment? I hope it’s okay for me to ask that. It’s just that going through so much alone would be very tough...

I’m the daughter of migrants myself (both parents are migrants), and my extended family are very overbearing. I’m not saying your family experience is necessarily the same as mine but what I’m trying to convey is I understand how extended family can huge an enormous impact on our life and wellbeing...

I hope, if you’re feeling up to it, that you continue writing here. Many people find it soothing to let go of some of their feelings here, vent a little, etc here so you’re most welcome to do that. As I said earlier, there are many gentle and kind people here 🙂

Warmth and kindness,

Pepper

[smallwolf]

Reyman,

Hi, and welcome to beyond blue. Firstly, I want you to know that you will not be judged by other people in this community. So I hope that you will find this a safe place in which to post.

It seems there have been a lot of changes in your life in recent years. Going from having a good job, to getting married, child and now the stay at home (?) parent. You also mentioned a number of issues being swept under the carpet.

Your thoughts you have in relation to your wife at natural. This doesn't necessarily make them true. But it also means you need to find solutions. But it may take a time, so do not be too critical about yourself 🙂 (This is stuff I have talked about with my own psychiatrist; the part on thoughts being natural, and finding solutions for coping.)

I don't want you to read anything into the next part... After my breakdown last year and being on ADs I have found my ability to make decisions impaired. Before then I was also fine(ish). Nobody is perfect.

On the matter of issues being swept under the carpet, can I ask if this is related to the roles of people in the family? And therefore expectations? And were any of these issues raised (not intentionally) by your family? And maybe you read further into these statements?

You do not have to answer any/all these questions here, but could help me with further replies.

From statements in your other post, I can also imagine the possibility of a phone being dead. And taking travel times (to/from work) out of the equation, late nights at work can be a problem. But I was also in a job once where nearly every 2nd night I would not get back til 8-9pm and sometime much later. It is not fun, but could be the result of the demands of the job? But again, your thoughts are natural. Does your wife talk to you much about her work? the demands? other?

Actions vs words. Or both. Communication is important for any relationship. Is your wife aware of the impact that her work is having on you? Can you have an open and honest discussion about it, so that together you can find a path forward, together, but without being confrontational?

But it also sounds like you also want to reconnect with society? Without asking the age of your daughter, if she were at kindy/preschool age, could you volunteer there and meet other parents? Sharing some of home country with them?

Running out of space here, but think I have said more than enough if not too much. If you want to chat some more I am here. All the best,

Tim

[Donte]

Hello Reyman,

Welcome to the Multicultural Experiences forum.

This is a safe environment where people share experiences and personal stories with each other and provide support as peers.

It is fantastic that you have found your way onto the beyondblue forums and the website in general which provides information, resources, suppprt etc.

Take your time to explore all aspects of beyondblue as it is relevant to your needs.

It seems that currently there are a lot of shifts happening in your life and relationship and at times it could be overwhelming. It’s good that you have reached out here.

You won’t be judged.

From what you saying would it be fair to say that perhaps you feel alone and vulnerable in facing these changes without your partner’s support?

Migration, family, relocation, changes in your relationship, physical, social, cultural environment, fatherhood etc - wow!

So good that you can talk to us and with us share common threads and ideas to support each other on developing a recovery mindset.

Hope you enjoy your time with us. Beyondblue also offers private one-on-one chat with Counsellors if you ever need to seek help in a confidential, personalized way.

Do you have some alone, down time? Away from family and responsibilities? Hobbies? Personal interests? Are you able to take some time away from it all (even a few minutes each day) where you can breathe, rest, reflect or do something solely for you?

We tend to care better for others when we make it a priority to care for ourselves first.

Hope your day unravels positively today. 🙂