Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

[funkyzoom]

Hi everyone!

32 year old single male, living and working in Australia since 3 years now. I 'appear' to have a decent, well paying job, and to bystanders I seem like a regular, happy-go-lucky person who lives life on his own terms. I enjoy travelling, watching movies playing video games, listening to music (I used to be the lead vocalist of a local rock/metal band in my home country during my University days) and working out at the gym.

Now comes the other part. I was diagnosed with BorderLine Personality Disorder, clinical depression and anxiety at age 13, and life has been pretty tough ever since. I never did well at school, and my grades were almost always pathetic. I struggled to get/keep jobs, and was nearly homeless at one point after being unemployed for over 6 months. I grew up with a severe inferiority complex, and intense self-hate, which has remained till this day.

I was on meds for over a decade, but have been taken off them now. I do have monthly therapy sessions with a psychologist, but I am unable to visit a psychiatrist for meds (I feel I really need meds now) because psychiatrists are too expensive in Australia.

So I have no family or friends around here (I feel too inferior to interact with people and befriend them), live alone in a rented apartment, feel like crap all day, am stuck in a terrible, highly stressful job where I feel like a prisoner (unable to switch jobs due to anxiety, and unable to quit because I need the job to pay my bills). I don't remember the last time I felt even remotely happy. I basically feel ugly, dumb, pathetic and unworthy (have felt this way since I was 5 or so). I sometimes feel like killing myself, but I lack the courage to do it and likely won't ever attempt it (so I am safe).

I am a total trainwreck at the moment. Quitting this pathetic job may help a lot, but I may never get another job because I don't have a professional network here. I am basically ready to do ANY job now, but pretty sure no one will hire me. I also long for some company, but I feel that the world hates me and my BPD turns people away. I have nightmares about dying alone.

I am just wasting away my life, and all doors seem to be closed on me. This post is just a desperate cry for help, hoping that someone, somewhere will relate to me.

[PamelaR]

Hi Funkyzoom

It's good you've found your way here. Welcome to Beyond Blue.

Having anxiety, depression and BPD is difficult. Though you seem to have successfully managed yourself over the years.

I'll ask questions so I can help provide you with the best support I can. However, there is no pressure at all on you if you don't want to answer.

You have had some good ups, e.g. well paid job, university, lead vocalist of a band. So I don't see you as unworthy or pathetic as you say. It's so easy to focus on your positives and it's little wonder people see you as a regular, happy go lucky person.

Then the otherside, the negatives you feel about yourself. It eats away, doesn't it. I've been similar to you. My work face came across as confident, competent. Underneath though I was self hating, always believed I did my worst.

I am not a health professional, so really, can't offer support about medication. Have you talked with your doctor? There's a forum here Treatments, health professionals and therapies. You can ask Dr Kim a question if you wanted to find out more about what doctors can prescribe and what psychiatrists have to prescribe.

Have you discussed your work and loneliness situation with your psychologist? Especially around thoughts of self which can impact on both these situations. It's important to discuss these openly with your psych.

I know what you mean about making friends,it's not always easy. Friendships are built. It takes time, effort and a commitment to want this to happen. Find groups or clubs that interest you. Sometimes we have to expand our interest base, e.g. I took up photography in the last couple of years. I joined a local photography club and a few different photography groups on fb. This opened up my world: regular outings with other members of the group/s. Through this I've started building friendships.

Making decisions about your work situation is complex. It is something you need to discuss with your psych, especially around your sense of self, your workload stress and support network at your work.

Do you talk to your family about how you feel? Have you thought about skyping? I'm sure they would be quite concerned about you and want to help in whatever way they can.

If you are in danger then call 000, if you need to talk, phone and chat support services include.

• Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
• Lifeline 13 11 14

Please let us know how you get on. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[funkyzoom]

Greetings PamelaR

Thank you for taking time out to give me a detailed response. I will try to answer your questions as best as I can.

I have discussed my work and loneliness situation with my psychologist on a number of occasions, and she has taught me some ways to cope (which have helped a bit). But on the whole, things are still pretty bad.

Now regarding my work, at this point it is the major cause of my distress. Since I was nearly homeless and desperate for work, I accepted this job in spite of knowing that it wasn't the right role for me. My workplace feels more like a prison, since I have to adhere to strict in/out times, have no opportunity to work independently, manager constantly looking over my shoulder, being forced to do tasks with which I have no skills or experience, needing to beg and plead to take leaves I am entitled to, etc. I am unable to seek other jobs because I can't keep taking time off work to attend interviews for other jobs. Unless I quit this job first, I can't find another job.

I have always been a bit of a loner, but the issue has been exacerbated now. My self esteem is so low that I feel I will never be accepted as part of any group (like those you mention) because of my perceived inferiority. Besides, my BPD makes interpersonal relationships really hard. I feel like no one in the world understands me. I often get judged as 'attention seeker' or 'negative person', just because my mental illness is not visible on the outside for them to see.

Yes, I am pretty close with my mom and younger brother (they are the only family I have), and talk to them over the phone a few times a week. But they live halfway across the globe, and can't really do much about my situation. They sympathise with me, but that's about it.

I have this constant fear of being unemployed, and becoming homeless. It is this fear that is stopping me from quitting the job which is killing me every day. And I often have nightmares about dying alone, and vultures feasting off my corpse since I wouldn't have had anyone in my life to even give me a decent burial.

I just want to go to sleep one day and never wake up. The world has rejected me. The human species has rejected me. I feel like an alien. I hate looking at my ugly face in the mirror every morning, I hate my mentally ill brain which is as dumb as it can get, and I hate every fibre of my being.

I am completely lost, and am basically clutching at straws to hold on to my sanity.

[PamelaR]

Hello Funkyzoom

It sounds like you are going through a difficult time.

I do feel for you. Especially with your family half way around the globe. It can be so difficult on your own, though it is good to hear you are keeping in regular contact with them. I'm sure they would be devastated if anything happened to you, like never waking up. Having BPD doesn't mean that your life is going to always be the way you think it is. There are a lot of stories in the forums by others with BDP. Do a search on Beyond Blue home page for BDP. You are not alone. Reach out.

I am also really sad about how you think about yourself. Why do you feel rejected by the world and human species? Are people saying things to you because of where you come from? This is just awful. People should not make you feel that way. People are cruel and discriminatory at times. I'm so sorry if this is happening.

You say - my psychologist on a number of occasions, and she has taught me some ways to cope (which have helped a bit). But on the whole, things are still pretty bad.

I'm a little surprised you're not being asked to explore ways to challenge and to change how you think about yourself. If you aren't having much success with your psych, think about finding a new one. You can search for a psychologist in your area by going to the Beyond Blue home page and doing a search for finding a professional.

Your work situation sounds incredibly difficult. Do you feel people at your work discriminate against you for any reason, e.g. where you come from?

I understand completely how you fear being homeless, I always felt that too, so always held on to my job. But as I learnt to grow more confident in myself (to rid myself of my beliefs about me), I was able to move on from jobs that were not good for my health. It takes courage and confidence. Find a solution for attending interviews, e.g. just phone your work and say you are sick. Try to get a couple of interviews on the one day.

I'm sure there will be others who will respond to your posts to help you also.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[funkyzoom]

Once again thank you for your kindness and empathy, which seems to be becoming rare in this cruel and toxic world.

I certainly do not feel rejected just because I come from a different country. Not at all. It is just that I can sometimes be emotionally unstable, or behave in ways which are not typical. Obviously, the so-called 'normal' people have no clue that mental illness is a real thing, so to them I am just a whiny coward who is incapable of 'handling life's pressures'. It is unfair. A man in a wheelchair is never expected to run a marathon, since his disability is visible on the outside (I have nothing against people in wheelchairs, just to be clear. This is just an example). But since my illness is not visible, people assume that I am just acting entitled and prissy. No one understands that surviving through the day in itself requires huge effort for me.

Yes, a part of the reason for my inferiority complex is my race (I belong to a race which is often considered bottom of the barrel in the developed world), but again that has nothing to do with how I am being treated here. This is an internal thought that has always persisted, and I am unable to get rid of it.

My psychologist's opinion is that, my situation wasn't this bad until I started working in my current job. And the pressure, stress, negativity and work environment are affecting every other aspect of my life negatively, and making my problems worse. This type of job is certainly not suited for someone with my medical condition. And she feels the longer I stay in this job, the worse it will get for me. Then again, I am caught in this vicious cycle where I am unable to get another job while still working due to lack of flexibility and confidence, and I am unable to quit without having another job offer, due to the fear of becoming poor and homeless. I seriously wish they fire me, that would make things so much easier.

I just need a break from my stressful profession. I am willing to do ANY minimum wage job for a few months, as long as it does not involve too much 'thinking', and my hammered brain gets some much needed rest. But I have physically dropped my resume at 70-odd places (like convenient stores, car wash centres, warehouses etc.), and haven't had luck. It appears like in Australia, to get a casual job, you either need to be a young student, or have someone already working there who can 'refer' you for a job. Since I don't satisfy either criteria, no one will hire me around here.

[Donte]

Hello funkyzoom,

Welcome to this forum. I’m glad you had the courage to reach out. Yes, I can relate with you. At times, while reading your thread, it felt as if it was me speaking!

I have been seeing a psychiatrist that bulk bills. There are a few around!

If you feel you need to be on meds again, ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist that bulk bills.

Going to a psychologist can help but only up to a point.

There’s no shame on being on meds or see a psychiatrist. And you can do that in combination with the psychologist or support groups and/or other services. Often, we need more than one support system in order to meet our needs.

Once you are on medications you’ll be able to find some comfort and when symptoms subside you can look at other job options etc.

A good start could be to invest into your hobbies and things that make you feel happy and see if you could turn this into a job that can generate income. For example, when I was deeply affected by depression, anxiety and panic attacks with severe mood swings, I got a dog. This led me into petsitting and dog walking as the dog had separation anxiety and couldn’t stay alone in the apartment. So I met other neighbors in my block with dogs and we started friendships and looking after each other’s pets when at work. Due to the fact that my dog needed grooming every month, I went and did a few grooming courses. This led me to a new job as a dog walker, dog minder and groomer. Over the last four years, not only my depression has been improved due to the constant engagement with dogs but also my social life, meeting other dog owners, combating anxiety, creating friendships etc.

If someone had told me four years ago, when I was stuck and unhappy in my job, after my partner died, and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, that my life would change completely and I’ll have a new career just because I followed my passion, I would have laughed!

I’m fifty and with no partner! Society’s conditioning tells us that we need a partner! That we are not complete individuals unless we are coupled. That’s not true. The longest and best relationship is the one with our selves. Partners come and go. We stay.

Its great that you go to the gym, enjoy your life in your own terms and find time to play video games etc.

Do lots of whatever makes you happy. Do it for you. You may find that others with similar interests are attracted to you and create friendships.

And keep engaging in this forum. X

[Hayfa]

Hi funkyzoom,

Well done for finding your way to the forum and welcome! I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing a difficult time. You have received some really good advice here and I encourage you to keep posting and informing us about your progress so that we can keep supporting you, you are definitely not alone in your experiences and it is always good to share in other's perspectives which can be a great source of help to you.

Funkyzoom when I read your posts, your writing indicated to me a clear, eloquent and intelligent person. I think that with a little clarity and support you can get to the good place you are intending, nothing is impossible but everything takes small steps.
Donte' has offered some very valid and good advice about seeking other support networks, have you considered peer support groups? There is much value here, you can talk to people who understand and make new social connections. In reference to your work, have you considered night time work at restaurants...kitchen hand, food delivery driver? This industry is always looking for people willing to work and it's a great way of financially supporting yourself while you consider how you are going to make your next move to a new job or sustain you if you leave your job and start looking for a new one.

Stay true to yourself and not hard on yourself, you are going through a tough time and your mental condition can certainly be exacerbated by life's stressors and difficulties but it won't stay like that if you begin to look at what you would like to see happen to improve your situation.
Have a think about what you want for yourself and then start looking at the possible support services and networks that you can reach out to so that you can begin making a new, fresh reality for yourself. There is plenty of support here at beyondblue to help you.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Hi Funkyzoom,

Just read your reply to PamelaR and I was nodding all along. A few times I smiled. On a couple of ocassions I felt like crying and on a few others laughing. Not at you. But because you sound so familiar to my inner voices.

When you described your workplace I actually thought we might be working in the same company! Maybe sitting at the desk next to each other.

I wonder if the differences in culture and work ethic and standards/expectations etc are creating this dissatisfaction and feeling of not fitting in.

Many workplaces today are precisely like prisons run by control freaks, exactly as you described it.

I have resigned from a couple big organizations (some religious and non-for-profit charity/philanthropic based) precisely because of the inhumane, horrible culture that they had and the micromanagement and controlling issues some superiors displayed.

One thing is for sure: you’re not dumb and clearly you have a great insight into your situation and awareness of the impact on your emotional and mental health.

Your anxiety and fear of becoming unemployed or homeless is very real and valid and legitimate.

You sound like an intelligent bilingual individual with great resilience and have persevered despite the challenges in a new country and you are doing it effectively all alone!

Many people would wish to be able to achieve what you have.

I know that this doesn’t change the way you feel inside and how you view yourself and the world around you. As we are unable to change the external environment we often either remove ourselves from it or adapt and change ourselves to fit in. Neither very desirable options, I know.

The thing is, there are billions in this world. There are always people who accept and love and understand us. Finding them among the crowds is the challenge.

Hope you’ll find some empathetic people in here to make up for the pathetic onesyiu hsbe met out there.

Love chatting with you. X

[Donte]

Hello funkyzoom,

(wave to PanelaR)

I hope it’s ok that I bud in to this reply to Pamela. I just started reading this thread and the replies and there are some points that scream out to me and would like to have the opportunity to add to the conversation. Most importantly, the inner dialogue that you have with yourself.

Not sure if you already do this but I like to challenge myself at certain times with some of my thought processes. Just to provide me with an alternative notion.

Let’s say as an example that when I feel that some people discriminate against me with their attitudes and words or body language etc just because of my ethnic origin or looks, I remind myself that there’s only one race - the human race. Thus, we are all the same. This thought helps me diffuse the charged feelings and not internalize someone else’s ignorance or prejudice.

When I feel this world is cruel and toxic, I remind myself of the smiles, the positive affirmations, words and gestures etc that I have received through the years and then that feeling dissipitates.

Also, based on your example, I have watched many disabled athletes receiving medals at the paralympics and elsewhere. (Nothing can ever stop us but ourselves). Again, I understand your point and feel like this very often but just challenging the thoughts and creating a dialogue in our minds could help us counteract them.

Nobody is normal. What’s normal to the fly is chaos to the spider and if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will be a total failure. (I think Einstein said that).

Millions live with mental illnesses in Australia so you’re definitely not alone. Everyone in these forums lives with mental illnesses too. We wouldn’t be here otherwise. It may help you to remind yourself of that sometimes.

Your psychologist may be right: this job could be affecting your mental health. It happens all the time. And you may be right: it may be easier if you get fired. If you believe this is the push you need in order to initiate change then don’t worry about taking days off, going to interviews, arrive late, leave early etc. Not only it will help you exit this terrible environment but you may land on another job in the process! And if not, at least you’d be gaining skills and experience in interview techniques.

I have landed on many jobs just because I was the right person for the job and the timing was right. I also, don’t have relatives or many friends/support networks here to help me get a job. X

[funkyzoom]

Thanks Donte.

Wow, your responses are so detailed and informative. Appreciate that!

About a hobby being a profession - that is exactly what I did. My current profession started out as a hobby, over a decade ago. I chose to pursue a degree in it, and eventually got into the industry. I was doing pretty ok, until I happened to be unfortunate enough to get 'trapped' in my current job which destroyed my confidence in my skills and abilities. I need a long break now, for several months, to recuperate and attempt to regain confidence. Until then, there is no point in attempting interviews, I just won't make it due to the anxiety and stress. What I need now is a release from my prison-like job, and a few months of low stress jobs which won't require me to 'think' with my battered brain.

It is commendable to know you are doing fine without a partner. It inspires someone like me, who is doomed to not have a partner at all. The very few relationships I have been in, have all been with abusive, manipulative women. And at this point, I am pretty sure no woman would want to give a chance to a man who isn't good looking, isn't rich, has his career in tatters, is emotionally unstable and belongs to relatively 'inferior' race when there are tons of better men vying for her attention. I have resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have a partner, so my situation is in some ways similar to you. So people like you give me hope!

You are not the first person to highlight my supposed achievements. And thinking back, it was pretty hard for me. I arrived in Australia with no job, very little money, no family/friends and no place to stay. And within 2 years, I found myself renting a decent apartment for myself, having a car and a decent amount in savings. But at the end of the day, how does this even matter when every minute is a struggle to live?

My psychologist said the same thing - that I should refuse to do tasks which stress me out, and just wait for my employers to fire me. But it is so hard to develop that sort of attitude. I don't think I should even try for other jobs in my profession now, because that means I'll never get a break I so badly need. I will have to leave here and immediately start the new job.