Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

[funkyzoom]

Hi everyone!

32 year old single male, living and working in Australia since 3 years now. I 'appear' to have a decent, well paying job, and to bystanders I seem like a regular, happy-go-lucky person who lives life on his own terms. I enjoy travelling, watching movies playing video games, listening to music (I used to be the lead vocalist of a local rock/metal band in my home country during my University days) and working out at the gym.

Now comes the other part. I was diagnosed with BorderLine Personality Disorder, clinical depression and anxiety at age 13, and life has been pretty tough ever since. I never did well at school, and my grades were almost always pathetic. I struggled to get/keep jobs, and was nearly homeless at one point after being unemployed for over 6 months. I grew up with a severe inferiority complex, and intense self-hate, which has remained till this day.

I was on meds for over a decade, but have been taken off them now. I do have monthly therapy sessions with a psychologist, but I am unable to visit a psychiatrist for meds (I feel I really need meds now) because psychiatrists are too expensive in Australia.

So I have no family or friends around here (I feel too inferior to interact with people and befriend them), live alone in a rented apartment, feel like crap all day, am stuck in a terrible, highly stressful job where I feel like a prisoner (unable to switch jobs due to anxiety, and unable to quit because I need the job to pay my bills). I don't remember the last time I felt even remotely happy. I basically feel ugly, dumb, pathetic and unworthy (have felt this way since I was 5 or so). I sometimes feel like killing myself, but I lack the courage to do it and likely won't ever attempt it (so I am safe).

I am a total trainwreck at the moment. Quitting this pathetic job may help a lot, but I may never get another job because I don't have a professional network here. I am basically ready to do ANY job now, but pretty sure no one will hire me. I also long for some company, but I feel that the world hates me and my BPD turns people away. I have nightmares about dying alone.

I am just wasting away my life, and all doors seem to be closed on me. This post is just a desperate cry for help, hoping that someone, somewhere will relate to me.

[funkyzoom]

Hello Hayfa

Thanks for responding to me. These forum has been a very good find for me.

I am a bit clueless about peer support groups for BPD, sine I mostly come across those for anxiety, depression and even bipolar (but not BPD). In my case, anxiety and depression are just symptoms of BPD. I still need to look harder though, haven't looked enough.

I feel really thankful to the wonderful people on these forums who actually take time to give me valid responses and try to help me out. I will continue to post here, and hopefully I will be able to eventually figure out a way to keep fighting to survive in this wretched life.

Pardon me for shorter posts today, feeling quite dreadful about stepping into my horrid workplace in less than an hour from now.

[Donte]

Hello Funkyzoom,

Thank you for replying.

I’m glad you feel hope by reading my story. When we are overwhelmed by our challenging circumstances it can be hard to see the bigger picture. And we often feel we are alone.

This forum can help by sharing your story - which somehow minimizes the impact each time your pain is shared - and chatting with others in similar situations - which minimizes the sense of loneliness that can be overpowering when battling inside your own mind by yourself.

In regards to a hobby turning into a job, I’m glad you’ve already done this in the past. It means you know exactly what I mean and you have tried it and it has worked for many years. In this case, either move into another similar job if the role and the subject matter interests you, but within a better environment and conditions (eg not all dog grooming salons - in my case - are a pleasant environment for me to work at, even if I love dog grooming), or repeat the process but with a different hobby. If you like gym, look at gyms or personal training etc. If it’s video games, look into that industry.

Looking back, you’d have the assurance that it has work for you in the past (from your current experience) and this will motivate you to apply those skills elsewhere knowing that you can do it.

You mentioned the partner challenges. I’d question your perception about women and what they want etc. Not everyone is after career success or beauty or money.

(On a funny note, once someone said: ‘don’t think yourself as an ugly human, look at yourself as a beautiful monkey!) I laughed so hard when I heard this, but to me it highlights the fact that it is all in our perception! (Please don’t take offense to this statement. I’m not intending to be insensitive. I just found it very humorous at the time, and provided me with some release during a stressful, challenging time in the ‘dating’ arena. Haha

Indeed. It’s in the way we see things. Our internal image is seldom equivalent to the external reality that others see.

Society tells us we need to be rich, we need to be beautiful, young, build etc etc. - absolute lies so we can keep spending on products.

I think become more relaxed and carefree at work is a good idea for you to start breaking the ‘prison walls’. Let them do you the favor to dismiss you...meanwhile, enjoy sleeping in, leaving early, doing your thing. You clearly need to end it as in many Regards it has already ended in your mind. You just go through the motions currently.

[Donte]

Hello Funkyzoom,

Hope your day goes as smooth as possible under the circumstances.

I feel stressed to max today also with some issues at work that a colleague has created to undermine me and as of lately it is not very pleasant so I’m taking the day off.

Wondering if you have sick leave or personal leave available and if you could indeed take a break even for a few days. Might help you reflect.

I have also recently disclosed to my manager and HR that I live with depression, anxiety and panic attacks and mood swings so in this way they can’t put blame on me for underachieving as this will be blatant discrimination. Just a thought for you.

If none of the above is applicable to your circumstances then I hope you can at least go out at lunch time for a walk and change of environment and maybe order a nice lunch as a treat to yourself because you are worth it and you deserve it.

Be kind to yourself today and take all the time you need to help yourself enjoy whatever you can while you’re still in that place. X

[funkyzoom]

Thanks for the inspiring words.

Life starts to get more 'bearable' for me as the weekend approaches, knowing that I'll have 2 full days of freedom. Mondays and Tuesdays are the worst, they almost kill me from within. I often have crazy irrational thoughts about killing myself and being 'saved' from tolerating another day of excruciating mental torture at the most toxic workplace I have been in. But I have never acted on these impulses. I doubt that I ever will. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am too scared of death to bring it upon myself.

I am trying to arrange some alternate forms of income as backup. I am in the process of signing up for Uber and Taxify, and also looking out for some part time work. Let me see how that goes. If something works, I can just give my finger to my employers and quit, instead of waiting for them to fire me.

[Donte]

Hello Funkyzoom,

It’s good to know that despite the terrible pressure and dreading to be in that place, firstly, you’re not really planning to harm yourself, and secondly, you are being proactive in seeking alternative options to generate income.

I just resigned last night from a two-day position that I’ve been on for more than a decade. Similar circumstances with you. Politics, bitchiness and backstabbing, pressure and micromanagement that unnecessary creates anxiety and stress.

Only you can make that decision on how long you can tolerate after weighing the pros and cons.

Yes, the weekend is upon us and it’s good when you can get some respite.

I work on the weekends but it’s my grooming job which I thoroughly enjoy and find it therapeutic. It’s very tough, manual, physical work and you have to give it all and concentrate plus work covered in dog hair and dirt but it grounds me, teaches me patience, enhances my wellbeing and brings calm and peace to my soul working with living creatures and connecting with them.

Exhausted, sweaty and stinky, with Dog hair behind my eyeballs, in my ears and mouth, clothes soaked in bath water and dirty as, I collapse at the end of the day with a smile on my face. It rejuvenates me and gives me energy. And the money is half as good as my terrible office job but I don’t care. I would choose this hard labor of love over income any time!

X

[funkyzoom]

I completely understand the satisfaction you get when you do something you like, even if that doesn't pay well. I am not capable of raising a pet at this point, but I am certainly interested in volunteering to help animals out in any way I can. In fact, I turned vegetarian a decade ago, due to my love for animals.

I want to do so many things. Experience the joys I have been denied all my life. I want to learn some dance form, perhaps get back to singing as a hobby, visit a few countries etc. I want to be happy, and just let go. Unfortunately, my BPD may never allow that. It is always there to remind me how worthless I am. It gets so hard, especially when you are all alone and feel that that world has banished you from being part of the human species.

I wish I had won the genetic lottery, and wasn't born with repulsive looks. I wish I were taller (I am really short by male standards). I wish I had a functional brain which didn't remind me every minute, how utterly unwanted I am to fellow humans. I wish I had the capability to get good education. I wish I were more intelligent. It just kills me from within, knowing that I am just an inferior human being (or rather, my perception of being inferior because I know it is my brain playing tricks on me, and is not really true). I just want to know what it is like to feel like a human for once. An accepted human. A loved human.

[Donte]

Hello Funkyzoom,

It must be exhausting for you feeling the way you do. Draining. I’m sorry to hear how you truly feel about yourself and the world around you.

I haven’t seen a picture of you but I envisage that you may not be as bad as you think you are.

Society puts so many standards up in order to make us feel inadequate so we can buy products and join organizations, gyms, religions etc that promise to fix us, to change us, to make us like everyone else, sanitize us, unify us, make us blend...

This is just consumerism and propaganda. Our beauty has nothing to do with external looks. It’s our spirit that gives us our essence.

When my partner was dying at the age of 39 at intensive care, he was only 33 kilos. I remember him lifting his thin, weak arm up in the air, his skeletal arm, pale and thin and filled with needle bruises and all the tubes from the drips etc, and he’d look at his arm and say ‘We are all beautiful on the inside’. I can’t forget that.

All I wish for you is to accept your own self. To love your self as you are. To be your own benchmark. This is the only thing that matters my friend. X

[Hayfa]

hello funkyzoom,

Donte' has given you such a beautiful and truthful perspective. What I want to say to you is this; you cannot possibly be all these things that you described for yourself, you are an intelligent and resilient person, look at what you have achieved- you travelled across half the world to get here, you are sustaining a living away from your family and making a go of it!
You cannot ever know what people think nor can you influence people's actions, you are only in charge of your own thoughts and actions. When you think of yourself the way you do, others may see a hard-working, beautiful, considerate person.

I am so glad that you have described some of the things that you would like to see happen for yourself such as, learn a new dance form, sing and visit new countries. You need to take one step at a time and all this can become for you, start seeing the hard working, considerate you and not the negative things you described about yourself.
As you progress forward with clarity keep thinking about what you would like to see and slowly make that happen. I know that for me personally, why would I want to be a gorgeous, good looking hunk who possesses a terrible, mean character? Give me the beautiful, caring soul any day!! Acceptance starts from within, what matters is what you think and do and not what you think others think about you.

Keep talking to us here funkyzoom so that we can keep engaging and supporting you, remember this is just a phase you are temporarily going through, things will be different but you have to start working toward changing the way you view things and some of the things happening to you.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Hi Hayfa & Funkyzoom,

I read somewhere that ‘life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to that.’

I tend to agree the more I think about it.

We may not be able to change some of the things that have happened to us but we are in control of how we choose to respond to these.

In a way, perhaps what happens leads us to learn to control our reactions. Helps us grow up and mature.

Becoming our own benchmark I believe is the ultimate goal that leads to peace and calmness of mind.

I like how you see it as ‘temporary phase’ Hayfa.

One of the things I have learnt in my life is that ‘no matter how good or bad, it will change. It always does.

The Greeks say ‘together with the goddess Athena, make sure you also move your own arms’, and ‘Good things eventuate with lots of hard work’.

X

[funkyzoom]

I could feel a tear trickle down my face as I read about what your partner said. It was touching and painful at the same time, while also being the absolute truth. Yeah I know, this cruel society expects men to be strong, emotionless robots who aren't supposed to cry. But I couldn't really control myself. Your partner seemed to be a really great individual.

About your statement about things changing, I would want to hope that is true. But I am tired of fighting. Especially when results are not forthcoming. You reach a point where you just want to give everything up and wave the white flag in defeat. I just want to take a long break from everything and everyone, but unfortunately my financial situation does not allow that luxury. I just don't know how to get out of this rut, and I am running out of options.

Most of my peers from university (who are around the same age as me) are much more successful than me, both professionally and personally. They have already reached managerial levels, with great jobs while I still struggle as a low level workers. Most of them are also married, some even with kids, and have loving partners to share their lives with. I am not jealous or envious of them, but it hurts that their efforts give them results while mine don't.

I just want to start over. From scratch. Clean slate.