Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

[funkyzoom]

Hi everyone!

32 year old single male, living and working in Australia since 3 years now. I 'appear' to have a decent, well paying job, and to bystanders I seem like a regular, happy-go-lucky person who lives life on his own terms. I enjoy travelling, watching movies playing video games, listening to music (I used to be the lead vocalist of a local rock/metal band in my home country during my University days) and working out at the gym.

Now comes the other part. I was diagnosed with BorderLine Personality Disorder, clinical depression and anxiety at age 13, and life has been pretty tough ever since. I never did well at school, and my grades were almost always pathetic. I struggled to get/keep jobs, and was nearly homeless at one point after being unemployed for over 6 months. I grew up with a severe inferiority complex, and intense self-hate, which has remained till this day.

I was on meds for over a decade, but have been taken off them now. I do have monthly therapy sessions with a psychologist, but I am unable to visit a psychiatrist for meds (I feel I really need meds now) because psychiatrists are too expensive in Australia.

So I have no family or friends around here (I feel too inferior to interact with people and befriend them), live alone in a rented apartment, feel like crap all day, am stuck in a terrible, highly stressful job where I feel like a prisoner (unable to switch jobs due to anxiety, and unable to quit because I need the job to pay my bills). I don't remember the last time I felt even remotely happy. I basically feel ugly, dumb, pathetic and unworthy (have felt this way since I was 5 or so). I sometimes feel like killing myself, but I lack the courage to do it and likely won't ever attempt it (so I am safe).

I am a total trainwreck at the moment. Quitting this pathetic job may help a lot, but I may never get another job because I don't have a professional network here. I am basically ready to do ANY job now, but pretty sure no one will hire me. I also long for some company, but I feel that the world hates me and my BPD turns people away. I have nightmares about dying alone.

I am just wasting away my life, and all doors seem to be closed on me. This post is just a desperate cry for help, hoping that someone, somewhere will relate to me.

[Donte]

Hey Funkyzoom,

I’m happy for you. For taking time out and away from everyone and everything to be with yourself.

Tonight I was invited to a bar by some acquaintances. I never have felt so lonely than when I’ve been surrounded by numerous bodies. People were pushing, shoving, drinking, chatting etc and I was just so alone. Couldn’t wait to get away and head home.

I don’t know about you but I’m the most deserted when in crowds.

I love watching movies alone. I love driving alone. I love escaping people. Just love it.

Once we get to accept and love ourselves no one else matters. What you crave and desire might just be right inside you. X

[funkyzoom]

So you tend to feel left out in crowds! It isn't always like that for me.

Late last year, I went on a solo overseas trip, and I was part of a common travel group. Those were among the best days of my life, since I actually felt like an accepted human being during those 10 days. We were around 15 people in total - mix of ages, nationalities and genders. And that's when I realised how much better my life would be with people to interact with. Unfortunately, I am no longer in touch with most of them since none of them live in Australia.

I have often been told that I am in reality an extrovert (based on my interactions with people), but I am forced to live my life alone like an introvert since I find it nearly impossible to find people to connect with. That overseas holiday was kind of like an eye opener for me. If you found me in a crowd of people who are known to me (or acquaintances at the very least), you'll notice how happy I'll seem, chatting away and mingling with everyone.

The strange thing is, I spent 29 years of my life in my home country, where I never felt I belonged. And at that point, I actually CHOSE to live in solitude for the most part since I couldn't relate much to my fellow countrymen and the culture back there. But now, I feel like I am in a place where I could totally hit it off with people, but I just don't have opportunities. I mean..I can't just walk up to and socialise with a random bunch of strangers, right? That would look totally crazy and perhaps creepy.

Anyway, it is good that you enjoyed your weekend! And have a great week ahead!

[Donte]

Hello Funkyzoom,

It's good to hear from you.

It's so nice hearing you talking about your trip and your holiday and how you enjoyed mingling and sharing with others. That's a great point to keep in mind: you have mingled and traveled and being part of a group and you loved it and so did they! You have been accepted and part of something and it felt good. Keep repeating this process then! Not necessarily travelling constantly but keep putting yourself in situations where you come into contact with others and connect like you did on your trip.

It is not random or creepy at all to go out by yourself and have a drink at a bar or a meal or sit at a pub etc. People do it all the time. And you'll meet others who perhaps feel exactly like you. Sometimes it just takes a small step to motivate ourselves.

Hope your week goes well too.

[Donte]

Hello Shelley anne,

I just saw your post and felt like saying 'hi'.

You wrote "Sometimes our minds tell us big fat lies. I know depression can do that." I was pondering about this and remembered how important it is to take a non judgemental stance whenever possible.

I grew up in a highly toxic and judgemental religious environment and often the criticism and condemnation still echoes in my mind five decades later. I often have to actively resist the temptation to place everything in life on a 'good/bad continuum'. instead of evaluating my experiences according to my expectations, I try to focus my efforts on being present for what is, rather than what I wish would be.

You see I was raised by two parents: one neglectful and non-present; the other over protective and manipulative and harsh. Nothing I could do ever impressed them. It was always just not good enough, or I was reminded that I could have done better I I had tried harder! It wasn't easy coping in such invalidating environment as a child. Not only I was forced to demand respect from others, I also learnt to be highly critical of myself and everyone around me.

The lesson that I eventually was forced to learn: the failure to accept others for who they are only serves to increase your own distress.

Those of us who are most intolerant and judgemental of others' faults are inevitably even judgemental about ourselves. In private, we see ourselves as flawed and shameful. The expression of judgement upon others is nothing less than what we deliver to ourselves.

Most often when we are judgemental, we have reached a premature conclusion about someone else. A non judgmental stance gives the other person space to be human and flawed.

If we grew up in intense toxic shame, as adults we can be highly judgemental of ourselves and others. We often can see critical flaws in ourselves and can equally be harsh in our assessments of others.

Taking a non-judgemental stance means that we have first dealt with our own shame and have now intentionally modified the long-standing habit of pointing out the perceived flaws in others.

The more critical we are of others, the more difficult it is for us to reveal our true self to the world around us. And since we know we are not perfect, how can we possibly reveal ourselves?

I often remind myself that even when I'm right, I am wrong when I am judgemental towards myself and others.