Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

[funkyzoom]

Hi everyone!

32 year old single male, living and working in Australia since 3 years now. I 'appear' to have a decent, well paying job, and to bystanders I seem like a regular, happy-go-lucky person who lives life on his own terms. I enjoy travelling, watching movies playing video games, listening to music (I used to be the lead vocalist of a local rock/metal band in my home country during my University days) and working out at the gym.

Now comes the other part. I was diagnosed with BorderLine Personality Disorder, clinical depression and anxiety at age 13, and life has been pretty tough ever since. I never did well at school, and my grades were almost always pathetic. I struggled to get/keep jobs, and was nearly homeless at one point after being unemployed for over 6 months. I grew up with a severe inferiority complex, and intense self-hate, which has remained till this day.

I was on meds for over a decade, but have been taken off them now. I do have monthly therapy sessions with a psychologist, but I am unable to visit a psychiatrist for meds (I feel I really need meds now) because psychiatrists are too expensive in Australia.

So I have no family or friends around here (I feel too inferior to interact with people and befriend them), live alone in a rented apartment, feel like crap all day, am stuck in a terrible, highly stressful job where I feel like a prisoner (unable to switch jobs due to anxiety, and unable to quit because I need the job to pay my bills). I don't remember the last time I felt even remotely happy. I basically feel ugly, dumb, pathetic and unworthy (have felt this way since I was 5 or so). I sometimes feel like killing myself, but I lack the courage to do it and likely won't ever attempt it (so I am safe).

I am a total trainwreck at the moment. Quitting this pathetic job may help a lot, but I may never get another job because I don't have a professional network here. I am basically ready to do ANY job now, but pretty sure no one will hire me. I also long for some company, but I feel that the world hates me and my BPD turns people away. I have nightmares about dying alone.

I am just wasting away my life, and all doors seem to be closed on me. This post is just a desperate cry for help, hoping that someone, somewhere will relate to me.

[Donte]

Hello Funkyzoom,

Just read your post and made me smile! 🙂

I’m so happy that this forum provides you with some support and relief and a way of expressing the challenges and hardships but also sharing the celebrations and joys and achievements.

The world is like a wide field with thorns and rocks and other painful things in it but also with flowers and streams of fresh water etc. We walk in it barefoot and it hurts us and wounds us but from time to time we step on the fresh green grass and rest our feet, picking up some amazing flowers and admire their beauty and perfume.

I’m glad that this forum provides you with some respite and that you have ‘bumped’ into it and found it helpful.

You also provide others with so much by sharing and help shape new thoughts and responses to issues that are real and important not only for you but for many others reading this.

We are all together in this. Barefoot in the same field!

I’d say in regards to employment agencies perhaps talk to your doctor. When I accessed mine, I was between jobs so I registered through Centrelink but it’s a few years back and not sure how the process works today. The same applies for peer support groups.

Wondering if chatting to a counselor through beyondblue could help you towards the direction you desire. You can chat online or on the phone and it’s private and confidential - unlike these public forums.

I hope this helps and am looking forward to hearing more of you and share in this forum. X

[Donte]

When I first read it I felt unease and didn’t know where I was heading but at the end reading it in reverse it made all the difference!

Sometimes it’s about change of perceptions and the same thing looks very differently when seen in a different way....

[Guest_1055]

Hello funkyzoom..

I have chosen to read through your thread this morning. And if it’s okay to say, well I found it all interesting. Partly because everyone writes really well in here. Including you. The way you express yourself in words and your circumstances in words is incredible. You are so good at it. This put a thought in my mind that doing a job that involves some kind of writing ... well you might be real suited to it.

And you come across as a pretty cool guy actually. Real and human.

Sometimes our minds tell us big fat lies. I know depression can do that.

Okay lost my train of thought... but Thankyou for sharing yourself.

Shell

[Guest_1055]

Pretty cool guy= Awesome, a legend.

[Brunswick]

Yes. I think we need to do the same with our lives too. Relive it backwards and regain the child, that brave, happy, optimistic, living in the moment, perfect person we were, and still are inside. And appreciate how much we've grown and stronger we are now. And appreciate the people we've become. Our abilities and knowledge have grown so much, but our self-esteem have fallen so much. How ironic.

[Donte]

Yes Brunswick,

We are all conditioned, brainwashed from preschool age onwards, by our parents, school, society, religion, the system...another brick in the wall...That's how the system benefits by keeping us with the head down and living in doubt and fear so we can be easily controlled. It all serves a purpose...

[funkyzoom]

Thanks once again!

You are very wise, and also noble since you are helping people out instead of bottling up your experience and wisdom (as most other humans do).

Thank you for those tips about job agencies. I will speak to my psychologist about it. I am starting to plan my exit strategy from this torrid workplace which is destroying every fibre of my being. October through December are supposedly 'peak' months for my employers' business, and I don't think I will survive through another peak (We get hammered with more work and problems during these three months). So my plan is to tender my resignation on the 31st of August, which is a Friday (if I can hold on to my sanity till then). I need to serve 4 weeks of notice (which begins the next working day after I resign), so I will be relieved from my job on 30th September (so that I am out of there before October starts).

Once that happens, I'll pretty much be in a similar situation as you when you sought the help of agencies. I have saved up enough to last 6 months without ANY income, but I obviously wouldn't want to sit around doing nothing. I just hope someone, somewhere, will have enough mercy to employ me - irrespective of what job it is. Just something to put food on my plate and a roof over my head, until I recuperate from the trauma of my current job and am able to seek out a job in my profession (I hope to start looking from January next year).

Chatting to a counsellor from here is something that never occurred to me. Thank you letting me know, I'll certainly consider that!

[funkyzoom]

Hello Shelley Anne

Why would it ever be NOT ok for you to say that my posts were interesting? Not that I am looking for validation (yes, I have often been accused of seeking validation, with people making it seem like I committed murder or something), but a genuine compliment goes a long way!

So from your response, it appears like I doing pretty well in the writing department, in spite of English not being my first language! You know I'd LOVE to have a career in writing. In fact, you aren't the first one to suggest that. I'd take that anyway over what I do now. But I am totally lost about finding an 'entry point'. I do not have a degree in literature or journalism. Nor do I have professional writing experience. Employers want of the two (degree or experience), and often both. I wonder if there is a way for me to write for free initially, and let potential employers decide if I am worth hiring.

An ex-girlfriend of mine is a successful media journalist in Europe. She often told me that at my age, with no experience or relevant degree, it would be futile for me to try to switch careers. And she said professional writing is so much more than just posting on forums and blogs (like I do), and it is too late for me now to even attempt that. Yeah, she was emotionally abusive in general, and I don't know if this was part of her 'strategy' to put me down.

I have always mentioned to people that I see writing as a really good career for me. It has crossed my mind several times. But I am clueless as to how to 'begin', so as to develop this into a career.

[Donte]

That sounds like a good plan Funkyzoom.

Pitty you have to serve four weeks after your resignation though! I only had to give two weeks notice. My last day is this Friday! The organization has committed to hiring me on a casual basis though as I’m very good at what I do and they don’t want to lose me. This is good news for me as I can choose what tasks I’m interested to do and what not. And the pay is much higher. So effectively I’ll be doing less than half the hours I used to with the same money. Win win.

As for you, of course you’ll find employment. Just believe in yourself.

You are offering your skills and enhance the workplace - they’re not doing you any favors employing you and you don’t need anybody’s mercy.

They need you as much as you need them (and often more).

Talking to your psychologist is a good idea. And registering with agencies when the time comes.

Employers often get money from the government and incentives to hire people with psychosocial disabilities so they’d often prefer someone with a mental health illness.

Don't despair. Keep working on your plan and look after yourself in the meantime. X

[Donte]

Dear Funkyzoom,

You do write amazingly well and express yourself clearly and precisely.

What your ex-girlfriend said may be true in general and applicable to any career change at any given time or age.

What you said about qualifications and experience is also true in general.

However, if you believe in something you go ahead and do it. Look at the woman who wrote Harry Potter with no previous experience in writing and now is richer than the Queen. And so many other examples.

I think before anything else what counts most is our attitude and belief in ourselves. With that comes confidence and an “I can do” attitude and we create miracles my friend.

I'm fifty and started a new career in dog grooming without any prior experience or extensive studies.

Follow your heart and if it’s in harmony with your mind and your intuition then you can only succeed.

Don't let anybody stop you from dreaming. And while you are dreaming, dream big! X