Bumped into this thread when I was desparately seeking answers

[funkyzoom]

Hi everyone!

32 year old single male, living and working in Australia since 3 years now. I 'appear' to have a decent, well paying job, and to bystanders I seem like a regular, happy-go-lucky person who lives life on his own terms. I enjoy travelling, watching movies playing video games, listening to music (I used to be the lead vocalist of a local rock/metal band in my home country during my University days) and working out at the gym.

Now comes the other part. I was diagnosed with BorderLine Personality Disorder, clinical depression and anxiety at age 13, and life has been pretty tough ever since. I never did well at school, and my grades were almost always pathetic. I struggled to get/keep jobs, and was nearly homeless at one point after being unemployed for over 6 months. I grew up with a severe inferiority complex, and intense self-hate, which has remained till this day.

I was on meds for over a decade, but have been taken off them now. I do have monthly therapy sessions with a psychologist, but I am unable to visit a psychiatrist for meds (I feel I really need meds now) because psychiatrists are too expensive in Australia.

So I have no family or friends around here (I feel too inferior to interact with people and befriend them), live alone in a rented apartment, feel like crap all day, am stuck in a terrible, highly stressful job where I feel like a prisoner (unable to switch jobs due to anxiety, and unable to quit because I need the job to pay my bills). I don't remember the last time I felt even remotely happy. I basically feel ugly, dumb, pathetic and unworthy (have felt this way since I was 5 or so). I sometimes feel like killing myself, but I lack the courage to do it and likely won't ever attempt it (so I am safe).

I am a total trainwreck at the moment. Quitting this pathetic job may help a lot, but I may never get another job because I don't have a professional network here. I am basically ready to do ANY job now, but pretty sure no one will hire me. I also long for some company, but I feel that the world hates me and my BPD turns people away. I have nightmares about dying alone.

I am just wasting away my life, and all doors seem to be closed on me. This post is just a desperate cry for help, hoping that someone, somewhere will relate to me.

[Brunswick]

Haha. Somehow I can't believe that there's this great plan to keep us down. What I observe tend to be generally very insecure people like us. They, whoever "they" are, are often just more aggressive and spontaneous in their reaction. While we (the suffering ones) tend to be more withdrawn and allow ourselves to get hurt. Interestingly, there are also a lot of good people who find ways to do good things too. Even though I'm depressive, I see the world as a guide place. Esp. Australia - very little to complain about here, :). I look at most of the rest of the world, and I'm glad to call this home.

[Donte]

That's awesome Brunswick.

I'm also happy I live down under even if at times it feels like being invited at a party and dancing with your grandma all night long! X

[Donte]

Dearest funkyzoom,

For all the time we spend concerned about physical strength, beauty and looks, when it comes down to it, mental strength and internal beauty can mean even more.


Let's not feel sorry for our circumstances or dwelling on the way we've been mistreated. Let's learn to take responsibility for our actions and outcomes, and develop an understanding of the fact that frequently life is not fair. We are all able to emerge from trying circumstances with self-awareness and gratitude for the lessons learned.


We can learn to avoid giving others the power to make us feel inferior or bad. We just need to understand we are in control of our actions and emotions. Each one of us knows our strength is in our ability to manage the way we respond. We can also learn to embrace change and welcome challenge. Our only fear should be becoming complacent and stagnant. In a bad situation, we can recognize that the one thing we can always control is our own response and attitude, and we can practice these attributes well.


Let's strive to be kind and fair and be unafraid to speak up. We can learn to withstand the possibility that someone will get upset and we can endeavour to navigate the situation, wherever possible, with grace. We have to be able to take calculated risks.


There is strength in acknowledging the past and especially in acknowledging the things learned from past experiences but is better to invest our energy in creating an optimal present and future. Let's accept full responsibility for past behaviour and thought patterns and be willing to learn from mistakes.


Every failure is a chance to improve. We have to be willing to fail again and again, if necessary, as long as the learning experiences from every 'failure' can bring us closer to our ultimate goals.


We can enjoy and even treasure the time spent alone. We can use our downtime to reflect, to plan, and to be productive. Most importantly, let's not depend on others to shore up our happiness and moods. We can of course be happy with others, and we can also be happy alone.


Let's enter the world each morning prepared to work and succeed on our own merits, at every stage of the game. The world doesn't owe us anything.


Finally, let's be in it for the 'long haul'. We know better than to expect immediate results. Let's apply our energy and time in measured doses and celebrate each milestone and increment of success on the way. Genuine change takes time. X

[funkyzoom]

Hello Donte

Thanks once again for your inspiring words! I didn't intend to blame anyone for my misfortunes. Apologies if it came off that way. All I want is to be accepted for who I am, since there are things beyond my control. And so far, it appears like I just don't belong among humans. The only people who have treated me well, for the most part, are those who themselves know what it is like to experience issues similar to mine (such as the kind and gentle people on this forum). Perhaps I should stick to them and isolate myself from the rest of the world. I seem to be living in a parallel world, with very little overlap with the so-called 'real' world.

I had a really bad week, and was just sitting at home playing video games since the anxiety and stress levels were way too high. I got pretty drunk at the beginning of the week due to stress, but thankfully I was able to push myself to throw away the remaining bottles (I haven't really had an alcohol or addiction problem as such). That's the reason I couldn't get back to this forum. I just couldn't think straight. I am returning to work today, and my anxiety is already starting to build up. I have an appointment scheduled with the psychiatrist next Friday, because I am at the tipping point and I feel going back on meds may make life a bit more bearable (which of course is for the professionals to decide). It's been over 3 years now since I have been on meds.

On a positive note, my family will be visiting me in July and staying with me for 3 months. I really wouldn't want to be living alone at this time, since I have constant thoughts of self harm and suicide (although I am unlikely to act on them anyway). I need moral and emotional support to pull through this hard phase. And I am already starting to feel more cheerful.

By the way, regarding employment support for people with a mental illness - I did a bit of research, and it appears like being on Centrelink payments is a prerequisite for signing up for most of these employment agencies. So that won't really work for me. I should perhaps ask my therapist (when I see her again on 28th July) to recommend job agencies where it is not required for one to be on Centrelink payments.

It is time to rejoice now, since the weekend is almost here! I hope you and all the other lovely people on here have a great weekend! Cheers!

[Brunswick]

Hi, funkyzoom, I too feel like I'm living in a parallel universe. I too wonder how other people seem to be doing so well with their lives. But what I'm realizing is that, in fact, most of them, if not everyone, certainly the majority, are in the same boat as us.

They too are stumbling day to day, feeling scared and lonely. The most successful "positive" person in the world, Tony Robbins, spends a good half an hour everyday just priming himself up. Many successful people I know consciously look at the bright side and belittle the problems they have. I used to think that successful people succeed because they have the answers. I've since learned that it's quite the opposite. They just go on ahead anyway.

That's why the world is such a mess. We're all stumbling along. Just look at the number of times life breaks down, when we quarrel, fight, divorce, etc. We all fail all the time. The successful people simply operate in an environment where they are supported by other people, by the system or simply because you can buy yourself a lot of help or buy your way out of a lot of problems. In fact, the work environment is so carefully structured to make sure that the work gets done and everyone is as protected as we can be.

That's why I think Australia is a great place. It works very well. The system is designed to look after us. But it doesn't mean that we won't still have to struggle with our own weaknesses and incapabilities. It doesn't mean that people will be nice to one another and that there will be no crime or fighting or cheating.

We don't live in a different reality. It's the same for everyone. We just need to find a way to live with it. It's hard, and it's an everyday battle. I think the successful people are those who can see the joy and pleasure in the struggle. Who see it as a challenge rather than an obstacle. Easier said than done, of course. I'm one of those who prefer to stay in bed, haha.

[Donte]

Hi Funkyzoom,

I’m glad that you’ll be having the support of your family during this stressful period. It’s not good to isolate ourselves for too long, even if a bit of time out could prove beneficial when we need some space to reflect and recompose ourselves.

Its good that you have a supportive family and you are looking forward to their visit.

Yes, the weekend is almost upon us! Hallelujah hahaaa

How are you planning to spend yours?

[funkyzoom]

You seem to make a valid point. I am not denying that everyone deals with problems to some extent. But what I wonder is, does everyone feel sad, lonely, ugly, inadequate, worthless and incapable 'constantly' (or most of the time), and they just hide it behind their smile when they interact with you?

[funkyzoom]

Thank you for the encouragement Donte!

Had a nice weekend! I watched three movies back to back at the cinemas on Saturday (although I ended up sobbing with feelings of loneliness during the first 10 minutes of the first movie, since I was the only one there watching it by myself. Everyone else were with friends, partners, family etc.). It was only temporary though, I have been doing stuff by myself for years now, so I gather myself whenever something like this happens, accept solitude, and enjoying what I can.

On Sunday, I drove to a small port town 150kms (and back) from where I stay, again by myself. But didn't feel lonely this time. Instead, I enjoyed the nice long drive in great weather, with good music playing in the car.

I need to get back to that terrible workplace in a couple of hours, but I don't feel that bad today. Most likely because I will get my long awaited 1 week break after enduring the mental torture at work for 3 more weeks. Looking forward to that!

[Donte]

Hey Funkyzoom,

Hope you are doing ok.

All I can say is I don’t know and I don’t care! I mean what difference would it make if everyone feels like this or not?

You are important. You matter. That’s all that counts. X

[Donte]

Hello Brunswick,

I’d like to know what’s success if you’d like to elaborate. X