This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Loula]

I’ve taken today off work. Wanted to not take the tablets to calm myself as I don’t want to get addicted to them. I’ve so far spent $250 online shopping whoops. But I think it’s a good idea to have a quiet in bed day with the cat. Can’t stop my brain from going loud though. I just wish it was like ok your sick take these meds and boom your ok. Anyone want to come study science with me and we will make the miracle bipolar tablet that works on everyone with zero weight gain?

[quirkywords]

I am in Loula, I want one tablet that will see me stable for life, no weight gain, no sickness, no going to the toilet all the time, one tablet for life.

Where are the scientists that will do that?

I think there would be much more compliance.

What do others think?

Loula I feel a day in bed with a cat is a great idea. I hope you feel better.

While we are on inventions I want to bottle that lovely feeling you have before you go manic but are just happy and everything looks rosy.

Quirky

[Loula]

Omg I forgot how good it was not having to go to the bathroom all the time!

im not happy. Everything looks rosy. I just feel empty inside and a billion emotions at once.

Actualy a team member at work who knows I’m sick asked me how I get through the week and not exhausted as she’s like your always smiling and making everyone laugh and doing more then what your job title needs you to. I was like I’m wearing a mask and in a lot of pain and so tired. She’s like you need time off or change your work hours but I’m like no if I do that I lose.

[quirkywords]

Big hello to everyone reading,

hat team member seems caring and it is good you can be honest with her.

What do you mean by that if I do that I lose? You mean you give into bipolar, or not working regular hours is not god for you as you need the structure??

No pressure just interested .

[Loula]

It’s got nothing to do with structure, even though I madly need it lol!

I need to work full time. If I don’t I feel like the bipolar rules my life. Sorry if this offends anyone as I know a lot of you don’t work full time.

I came from a childhood where I was told i couldn’t do anything, all my teachers told me to drop out of school as I wasn’t going to make it, kids at my school where not allowed to hang out with me because I was trouble. Like literally everything in my life was against me getting anywhere and most of my cousins are on drugs and popping out kids at as young as 15. So me I’m very stubborn and want to live a normal Monday to Friday healthy life style because I’ve been fighting for it since I was born and now I got dam bipolar telling me I can’t. And I won’t accept that.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Thanks Loula that makes sense. I have spent my whole life not being defined by my bipolar.

When I wanted to open my shop 7 days a week people said it was unadvisable but I did and it is good being my own boss.

applaud your determination and as you say we are different and we cope in a way that suits us.

Quirky

[Loula]

But my I ask Qurikywords do you ever at all feel like or has your bipolar defined you in a way or another? I know for me it has made sick at times where I’ve had to be quiet. I have to live a routine life and I feel as though even though sometimes taking medication makes it define my life. Like I spend a lot of my time trying to make sure when it’s playing up it doesn’t play up hard. Do you know what I mean.

I love the fact you have your own business to me that’s one of my sucsses stories I keep in my head when I’m drowning.

Im just really finding it hard to come understanding my illness and how to treat myself. When to push when to be nice. All that annoying stuff. I know later in life I will get it a little bit like I can now tell when I’m getting sick and certain things that tick me off.

But I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like giving up and ending it because it’s a war that will never stop in my head that hurts me those around me but then I know I’m loved there’s help and obviously I’m stubborn.

[quirkywords]

Loula

sorry my last email should have read I have spent my whole trying not to be defined by my bipolar!! I blame typing gremlins for removing the word trying!!! SOrry for confusion.

yes I know what you mean and that's what I wanted to say that I get what you are saying but alas I left a key word out.

I am open about my bipolar, I have given talks etc, but I feel when people know they put me in a box and only see the label.

I often wonder if a behaviour is my personality or is it part of bipolar or because of medication and then I think why do I bother.

Loula I can understand what you are going through and I went through that and do still at times think why is life so hard for me and it seems simple for others. I know that is not true.

You are very smart and you think things through and you try hard. It is hard but it is worth the effort. I am glad that I kept going.

It is funny I never see my shop as a success story but your words really touched me.

Being stubborn is a great trait to have. You have determination and you have insight into your behaviour and illness. it took me a long time to get that and even now I can lack insight.

I think the nature of the illness is that it can change just when you think you have it worked out it surprises you. We just need to take each day as it comes andto expect the unexpected.

When you write here you help many people not only those who post but all those who read and never post. Your words help those with bipolar and those who have family or friends.

You write from the heart with such honesty and sensitivity. You have compassion for others.

We are her to support each other. Keep on being you and keep on posting when you want to.

Quirky

i think my brain goes faster than my fingers typing!

[Loula]

I’m so scared of being in a box and labeled. Because I’m not what the media says my illness is. Our illness is made to be a joke.

Yea I get confused by what is my true personality. I think my real me is when I’m content. A rare feeling but I think that’s the real me if that makes sense.

I just hate not having control. I hate it! I got so sick yesterday I was shaking in anger. My tablets didn’t work, self harming didn’t work and I was spinning out going what’s the point. Then today I’m running around work singing to everyone hugging them all and just laughing and going full on 100% like I was off my face.

I just know my meds are not balanced and I’m getting worse!

[Tams20]

Hello everyone,

Loula - how are you feeling today? Are things a bit better for you?

Please everyone keep talking about how you are feeling because I'm still new to this condition and it helps for me to read the discussion.

I'm having a basement level day today... not sure why, just really sad, flat and hating myself. The interesting thing is that I'm starting to see a pattern in these lows. I could feel myself starting that slow downhill spiral on Saturday, yesterday got progressively worse, and I woke up feeling awful today. Reckon I'll start to feel better tomorrow too. Have been tracking my moods in an App and am seeing a bit of a pattern emerging.

Tams