Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[ecomama]

"Sleepy21 said: Hi Em"

Hello beautiful. Huge hugs from your ecomama & a few tears too.

"I was told recently which was super unhelpful "what are you so upset about, your mom won't change, you can only change your reaction to her..."

UM HELLO!! What IS that....ugh.... I hope this wasn't a Counsellor!!!
Other ppl are less qualified to say helpful things but that stinks Sleepy.

YOU ARE UPSET BECAUSE IT IS YOUR MUM doing this & you're upset because she won't change FOR YOU & oh my Lordy you have done everything to completely change your reaction to her .... cheeses. ROCKS IN HEAD that person. I imagine a middle finger when ppl say things like that.

"This was ... well... not so helpful to me because I know she can't change, I have changed my reaction to her, and have pretty much moved away from her BUT sometimes it still hurts not having family"

Yes.
You didn't have to spell it out to me bec I KNOW how much you've had to do.
SO MUCH! Others may need the back story more.. hugs.

It absolutely does still hurt not having a family.
It's crap. Esp since they're still alive and kicking and still awful ppl to you. Hate that I really do.

Sorry Sleeps but it was a solid 10y before I accepted this in my life!
I still wasn't 'all happy happy' just reached a different zone.
Hopefully with BB and all the different supports it can be sooner for you but maybe it just takes us humans that long, IDK sweetheart. It breaks my heart.

"Like I get that she can't change and never ever will ... still it sucks sometimes living with the effects of her horrible and neglectful parenting. it's a complex thing. It's not just like - ok... she's bad.... i've stopped speaking to her... i'm good now!"

I KNOW.
It's NOT like that AT ALL! Bang oh I'm great now.... oh no.
It's like Bang omg what IS this new world I'm in?? And all the feelings, thoughts and emotions that come with it. It's confusing, lonely and heartbreaking.
Literally the DAY my mum was taken away by police, I was driving away (to safety) and the whole world went darker, like the light turned down. Horrible to say but it was 15y before the light went UP in a day too (another D Day).

"I'm getting there. But there is so much pain. It hurts. I like ur attitude which is realistic about it all"
I was 15yo when I thought that.
23y later I went NC with mother and only due to police.
Pls don't give me false credit!
NC was FORCED upon me.

"I do not like my parents and would not like to be like them."

Hugs.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,

I'm just touching base briefly before I go away for a few days.

Thankyou dear friend. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say to someone when they're not feeling great. I'm glad if my words helped some way.

I can relate to what you say about your mum, I often leave my mums company feeling awful for days. It's hard to really be ok with my 'closest family' being so unpleasant and unsupportive. And I often think (I know this is WRONG) I often think "what's wrong with me that they can't be there for me, relate with me positively, and enjoy my company." SO WRONG because as I'm sure you would agree the fact that they can't be there for me in any way is their problem, not mine. I continue to try and be supportive whenevr i can, what else can I do? To do less is to diminish me. I watch my boundaries tho, and don't try and do to much any more, becos of whats happened in the past.

I guess family members trigger each other, which is hard to work out.

The old saying- You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family- so true.

Gotta focus on the good ppl in life.

I'm glad you have a couple of good ppl in your life.

Do you like to browse around nurseries? I love that sort of thing.

Glad you've had sunny weather, that definitely helps trying to get out of the house. Even when it was raining here myself and a friend got hamburgers and sat under the dripping shelter at the local park. It was good to be outside even if we got a bit wet.

Living in Victoria in winter (with a baby and with PND) definitely taught me to get outside whenever it was possible. I'd put the bub in a 'hug-a-bub' close to my chest, wrap a coat around us both, and walk, wild windy weather notwithstanding. We would always return slightly better than we'd left. Exhilarated even from 'braving the weather'! It didn't 'fix' me but it got me through another day. I used to like op shops too- someone to interact with and they'd always fuss over the baby. Such a relief as a single mum to have someone else to give her the attention for a bit.

Mark- what a treasure you are for your ex and the kids. It's really sweet of you to support her, especially as this time of year is so hard with kids. I hope she appreciates you!

Big hugs,

J*

[Guest_4643]

Hi Sleepy & everyone.

I get triggered easily too. I get triggered talking about Grandparents (I lost mine in 2013 & 2015), school, funerals, bullying, and thats all I can think of right now.

How are you Sleepy?

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony
I was told by a social worker that about 4 weeks ago I got very triggered (still not sure what - a combination...)

since then.... it's been a constant struggle

The help isn't there. I reach but it's not there.

I don't have a single person I could pick up the phone and speak to, nor a single person to spend NYE with. This year has been just ending relationships (with my own family) and weird parting ways with others... often without a goodbye. It has been this way for a while, but at the moment it hurts like anything.

I need to learn to manage my triggers.

[Hanna3]

Hi Sleepy (Hi to Tony)

You were replying to Tony but Sleepy I just happened on your post - I don't see my family either, I don't even know where my brothers live, ( I am the youngest of three). My mother was narcissitic, I could never be good enough but was in trouble if I didn't do well either (it was all about how she looked to other people, and being sure that I did well but not enough to out shine her). I only understood all this fairly recently, after years of therapy still didn't explain it to me. When I did do well at school she would tell me how stupid I was.

I don't know if your Mum is like this, but I wanted you to know that I understand about having a rift with your mother and how tough that is (my mum & dad are long gone).

You have people here who care. I am sorry you are alone on NYE, but I hope this time next year everything will be so much better for you. Hugs. Lots of them! oxoxoxox

[Guest_1643]

Hi Hanna

it is hard being alone this time of year so thank u so much for caring

It is a bit different to being alone by choice. I remember one year beingn on a holiday at this time of year and deciding to just veg out in my temporary accomodation, paint my nails - have fun!

This feels a bit different as its not a choice. I guess if we are always evolving and changing it could be that next year I will be with someone or others. Being alone isn't the worst thing but being abandoned isn't lovely.

I've been watching a lot on youtube about narcissistic ppl and it has helped me understand the way it operates. I didn't get too much help from therapists... it takes someone very trained to be able to openly dscuss these things but more and more I hope we can understand it... the one thing I learnt recently is that you feel like a narcissist wins and beats u but they don't... there's no winning for narcissists... it's just coasting along looking for another person to have cheap intimacy with and receive narcissistic supply from. It's not a marvellous way to live. This gives me comfort.

[white knight]

Hi Hanna (and Sleepy)

I had a narc mum. She's 89yo now and I haven't seen her for 10 years. Happy with that.

Google

Queen witch hermit waif

And that's my mother!.

Agree, being alone is no fun. A few days away from my wife recently proved that. My only answer to that is to stick to your plans, family sometimes just doesn't work out, gotta move on and create one. That takes time along with connecting with people which needs filters for personal protection. Even then it's hard to end up with close friends.

We get questions here about meeting people. The fact remains that conventional methods are best- social events, clubs, hobbies, etc. However we with MI struggle still with connecting. Is why we are posting here.

Now, I'm not that much of a fan of the psychiatric profession. In terms of them reaching out to really understand. Do I've developed my own ideas and theories not far off the beaten track to the norm. But to cope I've searched and discovered my own guru of reason- Prem Rawat Maharaji is his name. Google search him. Watch his videos. You'll be amazed. This is all proactive stuff, talking is one essential level and good on us we do so- taking action is a giant leap from that.

I have one big advantage- I attended a seminar in 1982. In 30 minutes it changed my life. I will never give up on any challenge. It's the only way to live.

Google

Beyondblue topic 30 minutes can change your life.

TonyWK

[Hanna3]

Hi Sleepy,

Do you think that is your Mum's problem - being narcissistic? One of my brothers is too, it comes from abuse. I've learnt not to give my brother (we only email never talk) an opportunity to put me down - I just ask him questions about himself (he likes to talk about himself). It means we keep some contact, but I can never say much about me. It's all I have managed to do with him... if I talk about myself it will be a put down and then silence!

I don't know if you have any siblings?

Take heart, you have so much good in you - things will turn around for you eventually - just hang on through this time. hugs.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone.

Sleepy - I'm really sorry. You can always talk to me if you need to. Everybody here can. I wish I could support everyone in person too, I'm sorry I can't. But every forum user has my support here. I don't have anyone I can pick up the phone and talk to either, you're not alone there. I wish I could be there for you more. I'm sorry.

Hanna - hi Hanna. I'm really sorry to read that also. You're not dumb at all. I read your posts to other people and I think you're very kind and smart, like everybody else here. i'm sorry that stuff has happened to you. I'm always here.

Tony - I'm sorry about your Mum aswell. I'm always here for all of you. I wish i could support you all better. I'm sorry I can't.

[white knight]

Hi mb20lover

Thankyou for your kindness. In actual fact I've moved on from my mother. I know she works behind th we scenes with relatives to discredit me hoping they'll pressure me into submission. Her antics sealed her fate, ruined my first wedding 1985, threatened to ruin my 2nd wedding 2011. Even got a court order to keep her away.

So now, I'm so over her my activities is helping others do the same. Yes, I've found the ability to find strength, logic instead of emotion, plan my life with determination and be a winner overall. It takes a lot of work, positivity, realism and be not fearful or feel guilty of discarding family members.

This is all mentioned in the trilogy of threads of Fortress of survival (parts 1 to 3) for those interested.

My methods even extend to my youngest daughter 27yo that went on a path of deliberately hurting me, a deputy of her mother carrying out her revenge. My eldest I'm close to.

It took 13 years for me to finish my grief of my youngest treating me poorly before I could be decisive but I got there. Never thought I would. She played roulette and lost.

I don't tolerate evil, jealousy, manipulation, emotional blackmail, abuse of any kind etc. So my world is intentionally crafted for me, that permits calm, high quality of people around me and allows me to give live to animals and good people.

I've paved my own path and placed barriers at my whim

TonyWK