Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Delectable]

My gp told me people with blue or green eyes & European heritage have trouble absorbing vitamin d regardless of the amount of time spent in the sun, I am low and my body cannot absorb vitamin d even in tablet form, could be worth checking Sleepy, anyhow it has its advantages, I can go to sleep early and turn my overthinking off...however specialists can refuse to operate on patients with low levels in vitamin d and iron so I was recently advised...I’ll find out on the 19th and see if they will operate on me.....for endometriosis. Tomorrow is the last of 2020, may 2021 bring you some things you’re hoping for Sleepy.

[Guest_1643]

Hi D yes I am the same!

I did not know that about refusing to operate

I had an iron infusion once to assist with iron, it was nice. I actually found it relaxing and a good way to get the iron I needed.

My Gp was very caring and he administered it - probably also a fond memory as he was caring of me throughout the whole thing which I'm not so used to.

I told him i was scared of blood so he rushed in one second when blood was there accidently to cover it up so I wouldn't see it. Lol i'm not that scared of it but a little bit, yes.

Thanks so much Delectable for being here with us, ur an amazing person. Wishing you a beautiful 2021

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

I've read back, busy thread!

There are a few themes running throughout your thread, it's great to see so much sharing and support. Hugs.

IDK about "labels", I most certainly do NOT trust anyone to assign a label to anyone else without a hell of alot of evidence.
Professionally in my work, I only think labels benefit a person WHEN there's specific help for that person to search for, apply for & GET. That's only IF the diagnoses are correct ofcourse.

SO many MH professionals get it wrong. Lord knows what to do with that can of worms.

I also find comparing ppl with same labels to be extremely un-useful. Useless maybe?

I hate comparisons anyway.
Every person is unique.
Each of us has bundles of this or that, each of us have our own life story and personal experiences of so many things.

I think what we have here mostly on BB is a bunch of pretty deep and reflective thinkers!

We're trying to work out stuff and that's admirable.

It'd be awesome if we could magically FEEL great lol! But I'll take improvements any day or any minute of the day.

I was thinking about "families" and those individuals we call parents.

Really all a parent is, is someone who had intercourse with another person and conceived.
That's how I saw my parents when they ranted stupidly and ridiculously to me about the other.
I was 15yo and it HIT me. That's ALL they were.

I thought "Don't carry on to ME when it was you 2 who had sex and made me".

Parents don't get "Parental Qualifications" to have children and raise them properly.
I think the same about siblings AND other family members.

I can't say with any confidence that parents are just doing their best.
From what we see here daily, many parents do their worst to their children.
The forums are full of ppl with childhood issues.

I had a talk to Yvette about knowing the people we can trust (on one hand) and even those ppl will make mistakes bec they're human.
Then over there are the known aholes.
Then a bunch in the grey area in between we can call acquaintances.

ONLY confide in the ones we can trust! Remembering they may fail us at times, as we may fail them, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they belong in the ahole camp lol.

Don't expect the aholes to change, whether they're our parents, family or others.

Yuck parents?
It's NOT your fault, it's theirs.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em

I was told recently which was super unhelpful "what are you so upset about, your mom won't change, you can only change your reaction to her..."

This was ... well... not so helpful to me because I know she can't change, I have changed my reaction to her, and have pretty much moved away from her BUT sometimes it still hurts not having family

Like I get that she can't change and never ever will ... still it sucks sometimes living with the effects of her horrible and neglectful parenting. it's a complex thing. It's not just like - ok... she's bad.... i've stopped speaking to her... i'm good now!

I'mg etting there. But there is so much pain. It hurts. I like ur attitude which is realistic about it all

I do not like my parents and would not like to be like them.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Sleepy.

Yeah that stuff was traumatic, it makes me feel like I'm not deserving of any help at all and like nobody, except my Parents of course, cares. Like nobody wants to help. Professionals too.

[Rickdawg]

Hello Sleepy

I hope you are coping well, Just wanted to let you know I am also here alongside many others to listen to your situations and try and help you through them.

I myself can not relate specifically to the situations you are experiencing but can try and provide some consolation at least.

In regard to your parents, What you said at the end of the message is a good mentality, as it can help you improve yourself. If you do not want to be like your parents and do what they have done, then it can be your goal, and you can provide others (children if you have them or others around you)the contrary to the negative thoughts and beliefs they pushed onto you.

Unfortunately, there are people who do not see the error in their ways, and I am sorry this has happened to you Sleepy, it is good you are feeling good after not talking to her anymore, do what makes YOU happy and put yourself first before others in this situation my friend.

Also, I do not know much information about users and I have just joined this site, so I apologise if I have overstepped my bounds at any point I am just an 18-year-old who likes to help people and see others happy, including you sir, I truly hope all is okay and you have a good sleep and an enjoyable new year.

[Guest_1643]

hey Rickdawg, i really like what you wrote and how you joined here- i can't believe you just joined, your post is so sweet and fitting. Thank u.

i just started this thread recently to cope with my recent traumas, and thoughts of death

it's a hard time not having support so it was triggering dealing with my mother, who is quite cruel and has got away with it for too long because I think i'm a person who likes to attach and care and I wanted to be a good daughter.

Feel free to share what u need here if you can relate to anything in any way. so true we have to put ourselves first

[Rickdawg]

I am sorry that you didn't have support through the rough time you endured, you have everyone here to help and support you always. I hope that the thoughts of death have subsided somewhat, life can be filled with pain, and the general structure that humans have to go through (school, job, work, etc) can be pretty silly. I think I have just taught myself to not care about the structure as much, as, in the end, life is cyclical nature and the world, planets, galaxies, etc will move on, regardless if humans are around or not, so I try and look for ways or methods to enjoy myself in this life I have, and realising this has helped me to have an optimistic view on life. I am saying this because I feel as it can be a helpful and meaningful trait to adopt I often find sometimes it helps to distract myself by engaging myself in entertaining or funny youtube videos or movies, but of course, that is only temporary. I have never had serious mental health issues so I am unsure of what it is like, but I can only imagine.

It is understandable you are upset about it because you wanted to be a good daughter, but judging your basis of being a good child from the actions of your parents, isn't the way, I am sure you are a good daughter and loving person, it is just, unfortunately, some peoples nature to not appreciate kind people like yourself. We sensitive and kind-hearted people can relate to each other, whereas there may be many people in our lives who can't, which is the whole reason why everyone on the forums likes to help each other because we understand the pains and struggles one can go through in life, and try and prevent it in others as much as possible.

Thank you, I do not need to share anything, I think right now I am just going through a small rough patch of feeling alone thus feel somewhat sad, but am hopeful for the future as I move in with my best friend and his parents for university and can potentially have the chance to meet someone at university or out and about whom I would enjoy spending a lot of my time with (relationship-wise).

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Awww Sleepy

I can so relate to this "It's not just like - ok... she's bad.... i've stopped speaking to her... i'm good now!"

I removed myself from my family around 2 years ago. But I recently burst into tears when I thought about not having family to attend my uni graduation. Your situation is absolutely complex. I feel you.

Anyway, just checking to see how you're going. You have so much support here, I'm glad.

And just want to comment on what Rickdawg said about the cycical nature of life. There's something really freeing in that thought. I like it 🙂

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy

I've notice you get triggered a lot. E.g.:this time of year I get anxious/triggered" paraphrasing.

In fact this time of year can be joyous, relaxing and fun, not full of triggers.

I'd suggest we can aim for a life more ideal. We don't have to tolerate triggers. To eliminate them we should make a plan - short, medium and long term goals to reduce triggers.

Place the following in the search box.

Triggers that lift you, triggers that down you

How I eliminated anxiety

Worry worry worry

Fortress of survival

He helped me for 25 years- maharaji

See, I had severe anxiety, worried by nature(so much so a teacher called me "the worrier" and initially relied on meds. Then I created my own plan. It worked.

TonyWK