Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Angel alright my dear Grandy you make me smile. Happy to be stuck with you. Feeling the love thank you so much

Glad you said couple drinks I thought to plop around to your place sit with you and do exactly same 🤗🌟⭐🍷🥃🍰

Dont ever be sorry thats what friends are for. Anytime sweets xx

Thanks hun pillow Ive tried doesnt help but good thought, seems when I move it or certain positions. Looks like going to be a while. Hurts when it hurts Grandy

Thanks so much for your care

Possibility friends moving long way away bugger but just have to see, having lunch Sunday with her and other friend. Hope not

Get yourself a good sleep tonight huns

Deeply too Grandy ⚘🤗💖

Love satin ribbon youre so precious xx

[demonblaster]

Each day a little more strength.

Just had a sob but finished for now. Nah came back but gone again. Having lot of sleeping today and good ole TV.

I know what its like to be normal even if only a few wks at a time. Its how we should feel, happy.. ok.

To be SO happy beyond our wildest dreams. To like yourself, have confidence not care what others think.. how to say..the ultimate. Brain goes into overdrive SO much goes on in a short time (can be extended) but this abundance of energy completely saps. Exhausting without sleep being attacked and OH YEAH you wouldnt believe this energy

To experience this...no words

The depression...There IS hell

How long and how often do we have to exist in the pits before saying ENOUGH!!!

I think to find the fire again I have to go back in deep. Hell's the entree

We build barriers along the way, last 3 episodes not going to the deepest tho doozies. Exhaustion keeps us there. Low energy. Wks for recovery for me dont know much about others yet. Some days I'm hearing. Oh ..I wish

I'm scared to go so deep again this is soo hard (understatement) but better than deeper times (most others) No one to keep an eye out. Its too much to put on friends/family.

So when's enough. Damn it I KNOW I can get this and not far off but this mongrel dark cloud rains acid. Going back to darker and Black ...🗯...bad enough now. The barriers are solid. Dunno but guess eventually going to have to. What if the fire burns out before I get to it

Been reading some new posts. The callibre in how the CC's and other amazing contributors speak and what they say continually blows me away. I'll never be in that league. I'm in awe of them. So much respect

Can't put out what's in my head or heart. Always been a major.

Crying like a baby..just for something different.

Yeah we put on a face. Usually I am happy amongst people. Recently I could hold convo laugh but wasnt feeling it, feel bad dont wanna be a downer around people usually not but underneath...

Love you baby missing you so much. Be at peace bubba guts 😗😗😗

Thank you listening. Getting there again slowly ☺🤗 can still laugh so not alls lost xx

[smallwolf]

DB,

Writing is a release. So I hope that you posting here provides you with a little light. On writing ability... That takes practice. At University, in first year you write 500 word assignments - to get students into practice and working out what is important.

I started this conversation with music_freak... What music do you listen to? My tastes are probably a little extreme but from your latest post I saw feelings expressed in the music I listen to. Nor am I suggesting that you listen to it...

But in your writing I can feel the hurt, the pain and suffering. You don't have to be Shakespeare.

In case you haven't guessed... Music is my go-to. Find comfort knowing that I am not alone.

Find in ggrands thread a post about a stream and a waterfall. We can all be there together.

[demonblaster]

Thank you Wolfy ☺

Yeah practice aye

Music I rarely have on but love a lot of songs not so much for the words but sound bit of both maybe. Love songs and pop music bit varied love sound of flute David bowie Lets dance at times blast that and boogie oogie.

Use to hit niteclubs hard when nursing 70/80's dancy stuff. Like some Reggae. Not opera or classical but at the right times

Good you have music I always leaned to TV yet family music lovers. Brother was in a band went very well in NZ for while. Cant say too much more here

Oh yeah I thumbed your post but didnt want to bury it with immediate reply thankyou for what you said I meant to add that to last post to Grandy, magic place, thought about it before too and fantastic post. You're an asset here.

Thanks matey again, mood at least swings, Croix made me laugh a minute ago.

Dear elderly lady nursed yrs ago Ive never forgotten said "never lose your sense of humour" she's right, when we lose that theres not much left aye. Magic

Take good care Wolfy thanks for dropping by and support 😊

[Ggrand]

Hello DB.

I find you express yourself very good in your posts, and as smallwolf said I can also feel your pain , sadness and hurt.

Sleeping is what you need so don't be scared of it hun it's your main recovery method, so get as much as you want/need...Your description of beasties rain being acid, spot on there and it burns deeply.

Dont even think about your fire 🔥 burning out, you can't let that happen, even going back in deep to get it back, don't do that it's to hard to find the right way back up.

You have so much strength 💪in you to fight this, you are amazing to be able to do that. Self talk I want to be able to do, that's so hard but your doing it and winning, I'm in awe of you DB, and your attitude to coming out on top and a winner🥇...

The Community Champions are awesome aren't they with their words..but also their kindness, patience, care and support are outstanding..I'll never get near them either.

DB, you are also outstanding and show so much care,compassion towards others you also are a winner in my 👁👁. and many others I know would agree with me.🥇.

putting on a face😌, pretending to be happy and laughing on the outside, while inside we are hurting and crying.. that wears us out doesn't it? ..

Have some good sleeps today if your able to, your getting back up, the lights shining it's there you can see it, all you need to do now is reach out and grab it, if it's still to far away, how about a making a lassoo and throwing it up, catch the light and pull it down to you.. I know you can do that..

I just wanted to let you know I always listen to you honey and try to help you feel better if I can..

Oh on my thread you said your not my special friend, but someone who cares.. Deebi, tears came to me when I read that, you are so much my special friend,,even though I can't see you I can feel your Care kindness compassion through your words.

❤️&🤗 Always,

Grandy.

[demonblaster]

Ohhh you're such a sweety Grandy

Layed down actually thinking more of you last night and today I tried the pillow again and put it in different position, helped on L side. Thanks sweets. Hardly using arm its going to be a while by the looks.

Got some more sleep not feeling great got another headache, from neck they reckon. That and back both wrecked. Not refreshed again either.

I will find light again Grandy, love the lassoo you make me smile. Yeah itd be a step back goin deeper. You always make me feel safe cared for and loved. Love you throwing in honey, lol it's silly but feel your wings. Starts likes when I say darling. You really do help thankyou SO much.

Heres a pic of me.......🏋️‍♂️ oh wait up thats when I was working out ..👼..there's a more recent one

Yeah the CC's they're everything like you and many others here 🏅

Thankyou for listening darl. Ditto 😗

Ohhh Grandy you're so beautiful I was meaning I'm not specifically the lovely lady that you're missing so much and I feel exactly same about you. You said once we were meant to meet, I think so too.

Love & appreciation always Grandy thankyou for our beautiful friendship. 👀 you too

Meeting friends tomoz lunch. One of them she's the one will be moving geez I hope not far away like could be damn it

😚 L&C always

[Ggrand]

Have a lovely day tomorrow Deebi, I hope your friend if she does move won't be to far away for visits regularly. Is she your closest friend, do you have any more friends that live close to you.. If she moves please don't let it drag you down. Tomorrow just be enjoying yourself in the now, have a really enjoyable time...🍰🍷😁😄..

I don't feel like I help Deebi, I write in here when I'm really down a lot of the time, it helps me, I don't know why it seems to get me out of my head into someone else's.

Deebi your posts to me and others are gold, I read yours and always think how clever you are and how you know so much about MH, and how to help the others. Mine are not helpful like yours are..

Im okay, just can't get my fire 🔥 going. I'm just all over the place emotionally.. it's hard I haven't been this far down for this long before.

I hope you sleep well tonight honey and your headache goes away, I so much want you to have a super dooper happy day tomorrow.😄😄😁🐣🐣

Please if your stressing out tomorrow after your lunch, and need to talk don't keep it inside you, I'll be here if you need to talk..

Good night Deebi, 💤💤. Sleep well honey, I'll be watching over you tonight honey..👁👁.

L&C.🤗🤗

Grandy.

My friend Pam, who just passed away, her husband did the same around 6 months ago, they were both good to me..

[startingnew]

hey DB and everyone

Please know i care SL, im just really short on words right now but wanted to stop past and continue my support even though i dont have words right now

and same for you too Grandy,

love and hugs to you both xoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

Im just popping in to let you know that I'm wishing you a really nice day today with your lovely friend. I hope you all have a great time.

❤️🤗

Grandy

[demonblaster]

What a precious you are. Thankyou so much yeah it might end up she (they) go far away.With luck not. Very close friend. Lived in 3 nurses homes had still do good friends from there but never felt anyone Id want as a sister. Her Yes. Love her deeply, she lost her only son same year of my love. 1 of 4 that year including loves dear sister.

Yes 4 good friends here and couple close to her area. One there I love deeply too who been seeing more swimming with and 3 others v.good more distance and some v. goods in NZ. Usually see them sporadically but this one more regularly. Lovely new friends too here so people contact good. Sometimes stay at friends/family. Its different type of lonely.

Love you coming in and you dont miss a day LOVE that thankyou for your beautiful friendship xx

OW just poked my eye,typing with 👁for a tic just then. Good on me 🤐 dah

Feeling only a tad blaghh but better than last few. Today be good but mmm preparing for ? news.

Thanks Grandy you work from the heart and its pure Gold from where I stand. Big love 🤗😚