Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Startingnew,

I know you wrote that out for our lovely Deebi, but if it's okay I will try that as well.

I hope your doing better then yesterday.

Kind thoughts,

Grandy.

[startingnew]

Of course you can GG xoxo

And no my nights got worse prob from over tiredness ao may be best i log out till tomorrow

Sending hugs i know your doing it rough too xo

[demonblaster]

Thanks Starts SLD yes actually I did during this last doozy start doing that, looking for more than just the thought, started in very deep part earlier of down and then the mind moves on but helped for moments better than nothing but was really deep at the time, rang people walked longer got very burnt but all helped to a degree but then throughout just went with it, no no no not good move but still better than the ones before the last 3 of these episodes so getting there. Bit too slowly though, had ENOUGH of this ..... too often too much to handle but the only right choice is to fight it or win over it.

Yes been saying this around a fair bit is there anything we can learn from it and or change otherwise I think we need to let it pass through.

Thankyou darling.

Hope you can get some decent rest poor thing, it knocks us about depletes energy doesn't it. Have you tried a nice hot bath recently and what about the apps Grandy finds good for meditation guidance before bed, "Smiling mind" and there's one she likes more I've got it written here but couldn't find it and need to go soon. If not you could try imagining your around your beautiful horses on a lovely day birdies singing, cool breeze on you and being completely comfortable and relaxed, concentrate on stress leaving your body making you feel so relaxed and at peace. ONly think about that, when other thoughts jump in redirect back to your peace state.

Peace hun ((( souls ))) love and appreciation. We'll get there darling. Slow and steady

[demonblaster]

Grandy my darling I'm cheating here ... Im 👁👁 you ...too lol copied it.
"if that's okay, HUN you're soooo welcome, so grateful to have you with me. It gives me some peace and comfort honestly mean that.

IT's so easy to pick up the durries again isn't it. It's killed me financially, thousands since darling left this world. Kicking myself we'd given up for 6 yrs, urghhhh, thousands literally down in smoke pffttt. Slacked off max. Broken financially but survived 21 yr gambling Pokies so can hack this too. Blagghhh hate it though but then who doesn't

Ohhh darl if you knew how comforting it is to have you here, I just love you being around, love you and your company, you can have as many hugs as you need I'll never knock you back. Holding your hand too, it's very comforting isn't it. Fortunately I have a few I can do both with, don't see them all the time but lucky. Going to meet up with beautiful friend Sat again for lunch. Love her deeply.

How are you going with the loss of your lovely friend Grandy (( xx ))

How bout we go to your place the stars are way better there, have a Kahlua or JD and Cola, what's your fave? hold hands, hug and chat with peace emanating from the stars into our souls.Like you said once the light from them. We could do that nightly if you like.
If I go down the road a bit there's a great view but don't like being alone at night, too vulnerable, don't know who's around. The other time there's good views or better are the wee hrs so see them in down times but prefer to be sleeping, not a hope in those times for much.

This is a long time Grandy, pretty much the norm with BP but the arm pains really taking it out of me too and sometimes the heavy pain meds knock me for a silly, could have easily had them all & every day but held off. Scared of getting hooked and these easily.

Yeah starting to come back, be a few days yet but can sleep more most of the w/e. Special needs tt coming up soonish.

Thankyou Grandy love you so much. And you too what about a lovely hot soothing bath tonight with your candles and bubbles, relax, not too much that you fall asleep in there 🙂 then listen to your med apps and have the sleep of sleeps my dear friend. You be ok too darl. Want to see you too at peace. It'll come, we'll as you said do it together.

LOVE xx thankyou again for everything

[startingnew]

Will respond better tomorrow sl and get another coping strategy i have in mind. Something deeper in thoughts. Just not having a good night but your in my thoughts 💕❤

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB and all,

It’s always inspiring and moving to read the posts here.

Your physical health issues sound so painful. I’m really hoping the doctors can help you more with it...more pain relief maybe.

I’m glad you’re gradually surfacing from the darkness. You’ve been very patient...

What a heartfelt message for Starwolf. I know she’s never far from your mind and heart. She’s someone who clearly left a mark in your world. You don’t ever forget that...

Super soul hugs,

Pepper xoxo

P.S. Just to let you know, I won’t be online much over the next 1-2 days. You know the drill...it’s part of my personal weekly self care for forum use 🙂 talk after the weekend...

[demonblaster]

As always you too stand by your friends thankyou dear Pepstar ☺🤗 (spare for w/e)

Yes Rockstar has left a mark in my world well said darl as many others too I saw. Miss her so much Peps 😢💔

I really hope you have a happy and safe w/e sweet Peps and that your handling your ET ok

Darl I have been reading just a tinsy to catch up on your thread.

Thankyou always for amazing support love and care back at you hun

🤗🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, ..❤️🤗.

I sat with you last night, watching 👁👁 our stars ⭐️🌟with my Tia Maria, you in my thoughts 😌Thank you for being with me last night.

I hope you are not in to much pain with your arm, and that your 🔥 burning brightly today to burn beasty 👿away.

Have a lovely peaceful day..

{L&C}..always. ❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗.

Grandy.

[demonblaster]

BP 33

Took sleeper at bout 2am might have dozed dunno.

Mood was better yesterday didnt feel like mania which maybe other couple times were minis

Today I just wanna cry from deep within but cant even do that just little spurts. I know it always takes an age coming good not deeply down atm just down but no thoughts actually cant define what the frigs going on but just cant get enough sleep or feel refreshed I thi k main reasons arm although easing still hurti g in bed and movement, just walked and hurt most of the way ok now in seat.

I dont want this anymore never have except of course mania, even starting to think this much mental pain & exhaustion is it worth it for a few days of supreme. Gift with devils pricetag.

Grandy thankyou I love our time.. always easy 😙🤗 stars were lovely

Just been your place 💖 Tia Marias nice too isn't it and Baileys all same family I reckon. Left a bottle on your doorstep 🎀🎁🍾

{👀} you too lady. haha like that..burning beasty with it 🔥

Few days should do it.🔥 keeps fading but not out yet.

🐣 cute aye ..hey just saw this {👁} keeping an eye on you too lol

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

I read your post here and feel really sad that you want to cry from really deep. I'm sorry I brought my problems onto you.😢. Your arm honey ,must be so painful, I think that would be keeping you down longer, would putting a pillow next to you and putting your arm on that help of a night in bed? Just thinking..Hate so much knowing your in pain.

Of course you don't want to do this anymore, but honey please stay strong and fight it, you are stronger 💪 then you think, it is worth it Deebi, you told me so, so I'm telling you the same..Lol I have a good mentor/teacher. 😇.

My Angel wings are wrapped around you and tied their with a satin 🎀 ribbon. .My hands are holding yours as yours are holding mine..their entwined together..your stuck my beautiful friend.🤗...You said I reach you..let me tell you that you reach me and touch my heart with your kindness every time you speak to me.. your my special angel.😇.

im still watching 👁👁 you from this end as well, so be good to yourself..Thank you for the bottle of Tia Maria you left for me.. I'll have 🥃 glass or two with you tonight. Please get well.. I'll be sitting with you again tonight to watch over you and also protect your arm from more hurt.

Love and Care deeply. ❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗

Grandy..