Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

What can I say except, when you asked me to summarise I was in a big downer... I am the worlds best people pleaser, I never say no when told/ asked to do something. (repercussions weren't worth it). if I don't do it guilt gets me and eats at me until I do.

Anyway, when you posted it, I couldn't even get out of bed, I was fighting my tears big time, I stayed in bed for that day and night, Why not? kept popping up into my thoughts, Deebi, needs a summary done, so I got up and I worked on it a couple of hours a day, got where you wrote strategy list, went back through your threads, made a list of them, but thought to leave that part for you to fill in, after I had prepared a list.

Ok I finished it early yesterday morning, That's when I picked up on it and realised what you were doing. I could see it was to personal not to be meant for me.. the words Grandy, fur buddies was the give away, So now I was being curious by asking you if you still wanted me to post it. I was curious to know if I was right.. I was.

When you asked me to do that, you got me up out of bed, gave me some well needed distraction. Yesterday when I finished It, I began to realised you are one extremely smart lady, who knows me. Yes definitely a hard task master.

Deebi, for what you done, I can only say the words Thank you, I so wish I could show you my thanks, but i am as others are limited by words, which at times are no where near strong enough to express my thanks. But I hope you know how thankful I am to you. Love you so deeply Deebi.

Love and Care always, 🤗💫⭐️💫⭐️🦋🤗.

Grandy.

[demonblaster]

Thanks sweet, kind of you to say those lovely things yeah slowing it down for a bit but periodically here.

Hope you're on the up & everything goes well for you

[Sapphire_]

Deebi.. i like that its cute.

Im glad you are taking time for yourself to recover. Take all the time you need and look after you.

Stay strong my dear friend.

Sending loves and hugs, big soul hugs ❤❤

Take care of you xx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful DB and all,

Things sound really rough for you right now. “Beasty” seems to be getting to you but I also know you have your strategies to try to tame “it.” I’m trying to use your language. Hopefully I did okay 🙂

I’ll also miss you too during your break but I understand that you need to take care of your health and sometimes that means a bit of time out. I’m proud of you for knowing when to step back for your own wellbeing. I’ll be thinking of you and sending many super sized soul hugs your way.

No need to respond if you’re feeling exhausted or just not up to it. Take your time.

With you in spirit ❤️

Pepper xoxo

P.S. I read your well wishes for Starwolf. You truly are a loyal friend to so many. Your love and care runs deep as I often like to say.

[demonblaster]

Girls hi thanks always for kindness & support ☺ so grateful 🤗

Hate saying stuff then looks like I'm lying happens often lol & dont like lying, so have been here but less people interaction more reading.. sort of 😃 & bb related stuff but not as long hrs. Will get nanny nap arvo like yesday & good night but woke at 5am 🤤🤥 yuk.

Starts mentioned forum burnout can happen, tbh here's saving my sanity (partially figure of speech) itd be a joyride to alternative deep heavy downs seriously but nah ok better than usual still hard though, built strength but sooo far to bloody go .

Glad you spoke of exposure therapy PEPS may be a go for me too thx girls you're ALL helping so much thx BB too providing great safe platform

Reading threads helps looks like undiagnosed OCD, knew obsessive on some things, we (psych touched on last visit & anxiety moreso in BP managed some control over yrs not nice feeling or scenarios, got most of them tamed

So like a scholar I'm adding some letters to my name 🙂 but PHD ...hymmm maybe not just yet 🤣 or this lifetime lol

? CSF fluid pain coming back hopefully its something else dont want op on neck/back on saying that if it increases I'll run for it 😨😭😭😭😭😭 the whole deal was severe 2 injuries same time & BP bopping around too much fun & jarred back swimming & tt but not too bad

Mandy hope you're holding up lovely you've a lot on your plate too, as you know Id like to help you starve beasty just getting to your thread more often to do it ☺ really appreciate & know you're ok about it 🤗love back darl

Other lovelies bbl & thankyou too, I'm ok/not but ok... boggling eye emoji - Peps good w/e xx

Sitting close to exhaustion (consistent in 'episodes)/cycles) another arvo sleep later but walking in rain & hills to shops first ...oh goody...cant wait 😁 (love that emoji) enjoy hills but needing sleep soo bad

Ohh that took sooo long 😲 but hey... got there beasty 😈 .. if i dont lose it before posting

Thx listening

[Guest8901]

Thanks Deebs. Did anyone ever tell you that you're a wonderful lady? Well ... let me assure you, YOU ARE.

Please take the time you need to get back on top of everything. I really hope the CSF issue does not flare up again. I'll see you again when you're ready. I'm okay, just feeling really DOWN right now. Perhaps once the huge amounts of adrenalin surging through my body of the past 2 weeks has settled down, there just isnt anything left? But I'll be okay, and looking forward to you coming back to full duties when you're ready and able.

Hi to everyone else here on Deebs's thread as well.

Amanda

[demonblaster]

Thanks Mandy ☺ Grandy I'llll beee bacckk🤗 & lovely loyal Sapphire Starts & Peps really thanks so much for support

It's the pits isn't it Mandy I am sorry & talking about a wonderful lady seriously you're da bomb truth lovey. You going to have a day sleep? Sounds like it'd help poor darl 🤗 like that you said you'll be ok makes me think you've got that spur in you to rise again. You have imo hun hugs when you need.

Not sure but just in case things move fast, its all on atm, bussing slows it all but love it Seeing a Dr sarvo, they squeezed me in & looking after me cause pain started increasing but fluctuating so dunno but seems same as csf pain. I dont know wether it'll increase more but if worsens could lose muscle use so not sure if talking paralysis or temporary but find out soon. So if im away for period of time its back/neck op. DONT want but alternatives not good extreme pain & or above

Again thanks girls

Love & care v.much 🤗🤗🤗🤗 xxxx

[Ggrand]

Hello DB,

So sorry about the pain coming back. Deebi, do what ever you need to do to get you well, rest and be gentle with yourself, care for yourself, If you need an operation please have it. We are all here holding your hand..lol so many hands are holding yours and so many arms hugging you. You are loved Deebi. You'll probably collapse under the weight of our hands and arms, but that's our care for you.

Love and Care always, 💫💫🤗🦋🤗💫🌈

Grandy.

[Guest8901]

Okay Deebs. That sounds pretty awful with the pain. So pleased the Doc managed to squeeze you in today. Give us an update when you can. Otherwise ... take care. Like Karen said, you are much loved around here, and you have many of us offering our hands in support. Yes thanks, needed that hug. And returning one to you as well.

Amanda

[demonblaster]

Thankyou for your support girls, didn't see my usual Doc he's off a couple of days but glad seeing him soon

Few details pains still there intermittently, can live with this just ..with luck it won't peak again started to yesterday. Sounds like it is the CSF be pleased to see my doc to learn more then see what happens I guess.

Psych visit soon Peps she said need I"d need a couple of wks fairly intensive for exposure therapy to be effective
She's in another city, I would but can't afford travel & stay etc so one day.
She's VERY good, very experienced & well qualified & Yes Starts I'll start on other stuff now cause starting to get somewhere with depression, roughies still but better than really deep had a lot of social distraction helped no end. Properly coming down. Ragged atm.

Mainly talked BP & other life stuff she's SO good. I haven't gone into deeper yet there's so much you can cover in an hr intermittently
She said she thinks I've already done a lot of indirect exposure & going to explain when I see her.

Grandy 🙂 love & deep thanks for making me feel so good about myself & what a lovely thing to say before, so glad it worked. You're so loved & appreciate too lady xx Deebi, so cute love it 🙂

Mandy thankyou for your solid support too hun, lovely having hands helping. Thanks for hugs always welcome xx Deebs 🙂 You've been a great support you too are very appreciated believe me

Sapphire Peps & Starts, thankyou for everything always too, your care loyalty that's all of you is so comforting I can't thank you all enough.

Sorry huns it's just not happening atm ok mostly just whacked. Working on impulse now & not letting anxiety take over, just gotta work out what I did & doing 😄

Long way to catch up but starting to get sleep, still waking at blaghh hrs

Anyway on the way back up. Hey beastie.... your times limited.

cyaz xx