Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful DB (and a wave to Grandy and all),

Yes, this world can harden some people. I suppose it happens for a whole range of reasons.

I feel maybe this sums it up. Birdy wrote this quote on another thread

Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.

- Andrew Boyd

I feel sad that you’ve lost confidence in posting. I think your posts are great because you write from the heart and anyone can feel your deep caring from a mile away. Hopefully with lovely Grandy’s reassurance, you’ll start feeling a little better.

I wonder is there anything we can do to help you slowly regain your confidence in posting?

How lovely of you to share your recent thoughts/insight with us. Thanks for making us think 🙂 Fantastic ideas!

I’m not sure if depression necessarily takes down walls though. Maybe it prompts us to build those walls in the first place instead. But that’s just me sharing my musings. I really like your comment about how feeling the pain is often part of the healing process though...

Much love and super soul hugs,

Pepstar xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, and waves to all others..

I finished this a few months ago but never had the confidence to post it. I think we have to start here first.

Mindset is again thoughts...fixed and growth..How we think about challenges, setbacks, and criticism is our choice ..I think people with mh usually think about things a fixed mindset which this mindset is fixed on failure...because we believe that we can't do it...(posting in your case atm )....We can change our thinking about these in a growth mindset and this is simply put that we need to believe in ourself have confidence that we can follow through with our thoughts, ideas and efforts and expand our abilities to think positive....It’s up to us because these are all thoughts only.

Our fixed mindset says.....I can't do it, because I just don't know what to say/do what if I say the wrong things.

The growth mindset....answers...ok so maybe I can't do it right now, but I can learn, with time practice and effort...if I make a mistake, I can try again and keep trying...

Our fixed mindset. says. if we fail, we will be a failure and I would feel bad and so down on myself...

Growth mindset... Ok everyone had failures along the way..They learnt from mistakes and are now feeling better about themselves...

Fixed mindset... If we don’t try, then we can protect ourselves and keep our self esteem..

Growth mindset....If we don’t try, then we automatically fail. are we happy with our self esteem if we don't try? No let's give it a try...we can do this.

Deebi....You have a passion to help people (your nursing career, here now)...You had a passion for nursing and you put in your effort to become one...that's the mindset . you need now, to get on top and stay on top of this depression...you're very much loved here on the forums, people love your help, and care and your beautiful helpful posts.

Over time, which mindset we listen to becomes our choice.
We need to take any challenge with all our heart and soul..everything we've got..(passion).

If we fail, which we will at times every single person has failed, at times, but have learnt from those mistakes by learning from it.., I believe we never stop learning..

When we go to do something, both fixed and growth mindset are activated we have to learn to listen and act on the growth mindset only..

I care about you and don't like seeing you limit yourself and your wonderful and caring nature to hold you back from posting...
👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy.🦄👼..

[demonblaster]

Dear Peps and Grandy darlings.

Thank you both for your amazing posts. I'd like to reply but not tonight.

Grandy why on earth you didn't have confidence for that very well thought out intelligent post, fantastic and makes so much sense.

Peps I've been giving walls a lot of thought over the past esp after your post which I'll bbl

Todays been very hard big 😭 but getting there, worn out, so sick of being so damned worn out more now than tired.

Didnt go MH today should have but meh and didnt know how I'd react if bloke got bagged again.

Not sure if my MH bloke back yet was hoping so but probs would have heard by now. Not to worry I'm picking up.

🤝 🤗

Grandy 💜💑

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[Ggrand]

Good Night Deebi,

You're not doing to great are you sweetly, your holding me up while your struggling...Well lovely lady..let me hold your hand and sit you down in this beautiful cloud softness pastel green velvet massage recliner... awwe here you go honey sit down, let me move the handle thingy on the side...grrr, grrr, 💪 I need more spinach....😂.. ok I...got it...Ahhh now you sit down, Lean back and oops.. there you go....now..your all comfy, with your blanky and oh..oh...your shawl....I'll just😁 push this switch... oh 😂 honey your bouncing everywhere 🤣..that massage chair really does a great massage....😂 oh no Deebi ...are you okay,?.. you went 🤣flying out the chair, and landed on your coffee table...😁.it's way way to 😂bouncy...awe sowwry poor Deebi...😂🤣..Let's try again okay ..Oh..no Deebi..,I must have pushed the full speed button..🤣..ahhhh here you go. Nice and relaxing for you now...😁😚..

You just relax and I'll give you a little 🎁..a 🦉 wind up music box....here honey I'll wind it for you, you just lay back and relax....it plays bridge over troubled waters. I'll be your bridge and hold you up until you cross to the happy side....wait...wait..💼..let me look and see..here...we...go..🌱..that's not it...here 🎄..I brought a tree with wind chimes in it..and some wind 🌪..How amazing does the pan flute joined with the wind chimes sound.

Close your eyes, now try to look into the middle of your forehead ( your third eye)..eyes still closed, .listen to the music as your looking into your third eye..just think on the beautiful sounds of the music, feel your body being gently massaged by the chair it feels like your floating on water, it's massaging you so gently....Thoughts are only of the music, nothing else, hear the music flowing through your mind, pushing everything out, no room for nothing but that gentle softly flowing tingling music....and your floating feeling of peace..

Shhh relax, I'll keep watch over you tonight..my Wings are magical and soothing, calming, protecting you, caring and looking after you...Deeply sleep special lady, your totally relaxed and deeply asleep...tomorrow when you wake, your body will be so relaxed yet energised, the music has left your mind filled with peace and happies...your soul will be filled with a glowing light...

Good Night special lady...L⭐️VE. Y💜U......little starshine around the 🌎 and back...
Sweet dreams everyone...love and hugs for all who want..


👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy🦄👼..

[demonblaster]

😄😂😀💜 ohh Grandy you are serious 🦄 thank you, 😲 my that gorgeous cloud soft gentle looking comfy chair sure has a muels kick to it...gotta say I enjoyed my airborn flight before landing on coffee table 🤕...I say coooeeee Nurse Deebi..where art thou...

You're amazing Grandy, love ya lady, thanks hun. You da bomb.

Got pretty serious this morning but on my walk home I felt strength kicking in. Going to be ok, gets hard at times but gotta keep going to reach 🕊 tho wasn't feeling it. Anyhoo tomoz a new day and more 😴

Thanks huns hope you're feeling brighter 😚🤗💜💑

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[demonblaster]

Status day 12 off meds. Bp yesterday day 38. (Finito)

Woke yesterday feeling good which rapidly sunk quite deep. On walk started to mentally snap out which helped a bit. Night picked up, went to bed feeling a lot better. Long one. I've noticed before often if as I did I can pull through the darks it's almost as if it has to find another way to complete the job, the depression was hard but varying levels. Mostly I can kinda handle the lighter but not easy. At a guess there was about 4 different levels of. It's when the deeper ones hit that I can put the effort into snapping out. The rest it's too easy to go with, tiredness plays a huge part but you just can't relax with it else it deepens I'm learning. After the extremes it's easy to do.

Has taken a while to think what I meant about enduring the pain. I do anyway but what I mean is although going to the Blacks terrifies me no words for it, in order to get on top of it I'll have to ride it and probably get worse before better which is a pretty scary thought. Not sure if that's clear either. I'll continue doing what I'm doing to get through. If only I could remember what exactly I did cause no kidding it took fibre of energy to pull through. Great result tho. That was the strongest I've EVER felt in my life. IT's a stubborn mutt.

Going back hopefully for more sleep but could function reasonably well without more but want to get full strength back.

Motivation; Even through recovery in downs feeling more positive to do things which as mentioned isn't in any order but happy to have the desire now rather than "must do it" then don't. I'm a bit excited with this new found want. Now need to work on prioritising. Thinking to start with to jot something down that I want to do even if it takes an age to get done if I tackle one thing at a time. (Peps 🤗) difficult cause I get distracted something terrible. Learning to habit refocus I guess.

Ohh it's good to be almost normal again.

Thanks for👂🏻and your help and support ☺ If not for myself I owe it to you incredible people to get through 💗

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[Ggrand]

Good morning loveltvDeebi,

Im Please you enjoyed your recliner,,. It was a fun....I'm popping in to remind you how seriously special you are to me and a lot of people here, and also to let you know that your beautiful soul is shining today brighter then the sun....please have a great day..and remember how important and special you are to so many people...especially me 💜...and how loved and cared for you are....Your definitely a star shining brightly more brighter then the sun...you are my/our sunshine... You bring light into my day..

Thank you so very much.....💜🤗🦄👼..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy🦄👼....Deep love for you special sweet Deebi..

xx hope everyone's day is a good day....Love n hugs 💜&🤗..

[Guest8901]

Dear DeeBee - thanks so much for this lovely, very helpful, thoughtful and insightful post.

I can't talk much right now, but wanted to send a quick good morning hug to you, 🤗 and to say how wonderful it is to hear you feeling so much more positive. It must be so nice to feel (almost) normal again. So nice to have you back again. I hope you quickly regain your confidence in posting here on BB once again. You truly are a special person, and that shows through your many supportive posts to others.

Hi also to your other supporters here. 🌹 Hope you are all coping well. Grandy I will try to get in to visit you later. I realise you are working today. Hope everything goes well for you and that you too are picking up a bit. 🤗

Amanda 💜

[demonblaster]

You're certainly an incredibly bright light in my life Grandy. Thank you for saying such beautiful things. Goes for you too Mandy you're both beautiful supportive loves. Many thanks loven the hugs girls 🤗😚💜💗

Nearly back fully not quite.

When I first came here I posted all over. Since a lot's changed. Learning which is great, some very hard & a LOT of boo boos. Yes we all make mistakes, often they would have been in the darks which takes me down furthur and sticks. A sentence or comment can do so much damage whether intentional or perceived. It's not necessarily peoples pain that plummets me. In time I'll gain the much needed shield.

Coccooning possibly will change. I'm fighting for survival, seriously and it's still an option not of choice now but the depths are crippling and pretty much my sanity. (most episodes at some point it's near impossible to even think what I have to do next let alone follow through getting to appointments catching buses, making calls organising without sounding like I'm on drugs or minus several brain cells which with the things I've done in my life would be the case.

Everyones pain and coping skills differ, this is immense and I can muck around and do fantasy but certain things needing sensitivity certain serious thought and depth can & does literally take hrs. I choose to use this time posting & expressing that still doesn't quite get there & just trying to get through it in one piece. It's beyond too much and now's more crucial than ever since teen yrs. I'm alone and these depths at times scare the hell out of me. It's incredibly hard to get posts of my own out at times. I'm walking on ice, just starting to get the slightest balance so this is the best I can do for now. I do feel guilt but when strengths back I support and will try and practice newbies at times Grandy darling. (This isn't in reply to your loving helpful post btw 🤗).

Grandy hun re , Starwolf, I continued in case she might have looked in from time to time and not to be forgotten. Thanks for explaining too

Thanks

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[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB (and a wave to all),

I’m glad you’re gradually returning from that difficult place. Slowly but surely....it might take some time but I believe you will get there.

It must feel so frustrating when there’s so much you want to say but you have to consider time and your state of mind...the drive to reach out to others is definitely there though. As Grandy said, you’re genuinely passionate about posting to others, and I’m sure that passion will still be waiting for you when you’re in a better state of mind...

For now, as you said, the focus is survival. Looking after yourself and trying to pave your way to wellness/balance again...

Cheering you on...

Much love and super soul hugs,

Pepstar xoxo