Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Thanks Grandy

Can't see the last bit, my reply button covers them but I think a unicorn (can just see the pointy bits & a bit of colour) ? word and honey pot?

You're very sweet Grandy. You make me feel very cared for.

💜💗

[demonblaster]

Cancelled out today

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

The bit down the bottom says..Deebi & Grandy equals love,,peace and beautiful friendship..

🦄 + 👼 =💜🕊🌹I hope I haven't spoiled that..L🔥vE Y💜u .D🐍EE🔥BI.. very much..

How can I be sweet when I hurt you emotionally. Hurting someone emotionally is the worse kind of hurt another person can do to someone especially a very special and treasured friend like you....👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy👼🦄.

[demonblaster]

Thanks.

You didn't do anything to intentionally hurt. The friendship compassion etc and time you've given me and others especially when you're hurting at a constant with your abhorrent treatment means no way you have nothing but a pure caring heart with love in it. It's my own stupid pathetic insecurities and I mean that.

Had nearly 3 hrs sleep, not enough yet. Maybe after tomoz same I'll be close to normal again.

Must be my tablet. All sorts of dudds. The bloke gave me a good deal but he would have known it was faulty. The company gave me a good deal after 4 calls mind you but still a dudd. I'm not finished with them yet if the opportunity arises again.

At least its still in warranty.

Still can't log in from top right.

Hope you're doing better Grandy.

You are sweet.

💜💗

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely sweet Deebi,

We all have insecurities, I haven't said before but some of mine are same as yours...mostly abandonment, rejection, loneliness are my worse...

Okay sweetheart, tonight I'm staying at yours I think you need to be cared for and you need someone to give you care can I be that person? I need to care for you or I won't be able to pull myself up..you see my life has always been looking after others...I don't know how to care for me, without caring for others...In a way we will be helping each other to get through this rough patch "we're in it together" [DB]. xx.. ..

How are your back, arm, neck and foot...I will run you a beautiful relaxing Lavender scented bubbly bubble bath, with tiny glitter inside the bubbles that when they land on your skin, they make you feel so relaxed and cared for just relax and I bought a yummy kiwi & passionfruit pavlova oh and of course strawberries....

Can we sit outside and watch the stars..I will bring the heater outside and we can snuggle under my treasured 12.7 minute blanky together that was made for me by a very dear and special friend....if you want we can just sit in peaceful silence or if you want to, we can talk....just rest your head on my shoulder feel my Wings around you protecting you and close your eyes then surrender yourself to the healing powers of sleep...Love you very much Deebi...

Please be okay..special Huggly huggle hugs..🤗🤗🤗...👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy🦄👼🕊...

Xxxxjust an extra line to trick your iPad gremlins...💜U..

[demonblaster]

Extra line worked thanks. Sometimes it works when I do it too.

What a gift you are. Loven it all bath glitter bubbles you're so precious, snuggling under blanky, your wings shoulder. Anytime but now so badly need that. Thank you. The smiles you give me. Yes in it together 💑 and Pav mmm yums. Love that sticky bit in them

Thanks hun, neck/arm settled yeah it really was bad, back several outs as usual but phew core strength now. At times really hurts but not like before constant excrutiating pain up to couple wks or more with no let up. Good atm. Ankle so/so need to do excercises did the day you reminded me and before but it settled so slacked off. Have to save for decent joggers. Not much arch in these. U taught me that ☺

Wish I had someone like you in rl Wouldn't be one sided tho. Hun although I understand if it seems this way and taking into consideration dependant personality I have been obsessed at times (no joy but not in a harmful way) but with you it's a genuine real friendship. You make me feel secure and safe, uh oh Ms pathetics back. From my heart again thank you for your caring compassionate loving soul. You're a beautiful person & friend.

Tiredness has always pulled me down beasty only has hold in vulnerable times. Be easier when I get stronger resolve. We get used to things. I've always learnt stuff the hard way. Whooptee to that too. Everytime in mania opposite to beasty though the resolve mostly dissipates when it wears off I'm getting a bit more strength and belief. Starting to use it to help.I function best in mania. Shields lower in normals

you get me. we click so well cause we're alike in many ways I reckon. Do love you & feel same re other awesomes here too.

Grandy the walls. I'Ll try to jot down pain in these times esp, then work on them. An Encycopedia would look small in comparison.

Hey checkin in half hrly couldnt see my eyes 🤗💗 you are serious 🦄

So much love Grandy. Wish 🕊 for you 💜🤝💑💗

[demonblaster]

As always so lovely to have you visit hun. Posted last night but not landed yet.

No probs at all to reply at yours later 💜💗

[demonblaster]

This is hard to say too, making me wonder if there's some truth in it. I really don't know because hells no place anyone wants or deep pain. Mental torture. I certainly don't want it.

There's comfort and security when people care and show compassion. I wonder but really don't know if that's what keeps dragging me down because being happy there's peace content desire to live enjoyment, feeling part of it all. It's what surely everyone wants and strives for.

I can't work out what's stopping me from going forward. It's in me I CAN do it I know I can yet it's such a powerful force holding me back. Why. Habitual thinking maybe.

Without mania dunno if there'd be enough reason. Maybe mania happiness is achievable.

I don't know where to start, what to work on first with depression (Peps part reply to you with babysteps I agree, just so much needs work. Prioritisings not coming easily

Every achieve grows more strength. More reason to keep trying.

I've always hated how IT self centres us. I care very much for people but it's so consuming

Didnt sleep before always been a saviour so WILL in arvo. Just wanna doona but ok.
Thanks 🤗
Sorry some repeats. Trying to get it clear in my mind, other times forget.

[demonblaster]

Maybe depressions an un/sub conscious way of our minds trying to heal us.

We build walls to survive and IT takes them down which they need to be to work through (Peps that's why I think we need to feel the pain)

[Ggrand]

Deebi, What a really good post to get people thinking...I'm not sure either and never thought about those things you have mentioned...but you've stirred my thoughts..

i want to help you with these questions...but I need time to think, just gotta get beasty away from inside of my mind...It does self centre but sometimes I win here it's our mindset Deebi...not sure if I can but I will see if I can put into words something that might help you here.. but tomorrow..tired now..so much needing sleep....

Good Night Sweet friend..😵😵...So very tired 😴 Good Night , Sleep deep, dream sweet and wake up in peace..

love and hugs..🤗🤗...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy👼🦄...

xxxxxxxxxx