Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Deebi...

love you... 💜🌹...

Grandy...

[demonblaster]

Good and hard about time is nothing stays the same. Time takes us into an unknown future which is probably a good thing.

Trust I either read people and trust straight away (foolish) or take a long time to (better) but when you do and believe it can be a hard blow.

Nothing stays the same. I'm ok with change for the most but not always.

Yrs ago a job. 3 mth at the time goverment assist to employers for long term unemployed. I asked and asked will I still have a job after it ran out, loved the but not the boss. Her husband was great. Yes happy with your work as they shouldve been. Finally trusted them. To the second when it ran out suddenly no more work. Shouldve taken them like I did at another job.

I believed and trusted them.

Once trust is broken. It's about as powerful and important as love. Broken promises hurt hard.

People come and go in life and that's just how it is. I wish I wasnt so damn passionate and for most of my life I use to only see the good in people, getting better as I grow.

Part of this groovy thing called life. We're here to learn and need to get the armour in place, if it means being hard I'll stay a sensitive woos

There are times when things are harder.

Was going to cancel MRI and catch up with friend today but probs go. Might dunno cancel Sat group out.

I either give my all or hold reserves which is what I need to do more of.

Nothing to do with meds. It'd hurt regardless. Shit happens more in harder times, yes more sensitive but I've noticed a pattern in BP moreso. Still I guess tomorrow will come no matter what. Gotta live in the moment not yesterday, or tomorrow. In life theres no guarantees.

Nothjng stays the same! Sick of hurting sick of going in so hard, sick of letting my guard down. Only one thing I can do for survival is do what most do. Hold back.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely DB (and a wave to all),

I feel you’re one of those people who loves very deeply and feels very deeply. That’s actually one of the things that I love about you: your deep caring. Sadly, the drawback is you also feel hurt and betrayal very deeply too...

I think change can be so emotional. Even if we learnt to adjust our sails, I feel it can still be a hugely emotional time...not having guarantees in life can be scary.

I feel you must take people coming and going particularly hard. It’s easy for us to suggest acceptance or rationalise how “normal” that is but that doesn’t change your feelings of hurt and loss...which I know you feel particularly deeply being the passionate person you are.

Also, you’re most welcome. I’m glad you’re getting something out of the conversation I’ve been having either Sez 🙂

You’re a very thoughtful and compassionate friend to want to visit my thread. But there’s no rush...I know you’ve been struggling a lot lately. Just when you’re feeling up to it 😉

On my end, I have just been doing a lot of thinking lately plus incorporating some changes into my life. Been feeling somewhat emotional and just trying to figure out what I want...I can’t seem to shake that feeling of unease and deep dissatisfaction.

But I did see a white butterfly yesterday. She flew towards me, past my ear before flying in a circle nearby. Then she flew away. Brought me a lot of comfort as she reminded me of Butterfly Wings 🦋

Thank you so much for the hugs...

More super soul hugs from your top student.

Love and soul hugs,

Pepstar xoxo

[startingnew]

DB hugs and hugs xoxox

[demonblaster]

You're a good person Peps very kind and understanding 💗

Apart from people passing on which we all know is one of the hardest in life it was always me leaving cause moved a lot.

I'm not going to trust as much or easily from now.

Yes hurts a lot but how it has to be but doesnt make it any easier. I believed and it took a long time to. I refuse to become hard I don't like that survival quality I've seen in some they lack understanding empathy and compassion. Not much time for people like that. Easy way not to feel peoples pain.

I need to correct myself while I think of it, some threads are very hard. I feel something for anyones pain to have understanding how they must feel but as opposed to knowing someone thats hurting yes I feel it harder but here usually don't take on board although initially feel it but don't take it on board as such. On saying that when I'm down now I feel it better to coccoon because my heads so far South and even in good times I'm not confident now posting. Managed to upset Grandy and we're friends. No idea yet, might end up helping here in different ways. This damn head first, if I hadnt had these breakthroughs dunno Peps it's not as strong and have no plans as such but it's always a background option. Not a lot of choice really it'd really hurt a lot of people. Too much to often. Had enough!

So tired still Peps, might see if there's more tests but I know how powerful it all is. People I've asked, not many with BP recover within a wk or two. Don't think I've ever had them that quick.

Might out tomoz then arvo and Sunday sleeping a lot. Then back to it Monday again MH and Tues.Good bussing saw quite a few, people time.

Asked my GP if he'd contact my MH team to clarify a few things, need to get diagnosis's to apply for NDIS, not sure where he needs to contact but I'll find out.

Thanks for telling me a bit about where you're at, care very much about you Peps🌟 thanks for your patience. 🤗😚

You too SLD and that's sweet 🤗 been keeping up to date. Will bbl near future.

Love to yaz 🤗😚❤🤝💗 thanks guys

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi..

I was just about to post on mine Deebi then I I just read your post, you say you managed to upset me...please Deebi I don't understand...no way have you upset me..please talk to me...

[demonblaster]

Not now Grandy wait till you're better.

[Ggrand]

Can't Deebi, it will,pull me down more..

[Ggrand]

Hello again Lovely Deebi....

If it's okay. I'll just sit quietly with you tonight...You never upset me Deebi...Your hurting because you Think you upset me..but you didn't..now I'm hurting because I feel guilty that I must have said something that made you think you upset me...

I just needed to post this to you because I think that you need to know how much I care and love you as a really special friend.I thought this might be a way of letting you know by telling you,how much love and care I have for you so that someday if you wanted to you can look back on this post when you are feeling sad or in the clutches of beasty and not forget how much I care about you and how much you mean to me, and how special you are to me.

I know that we both have our own mh problems, Please know that getting to know you and love you has changed my life for the better...The times that you and I spend together posting is so magical that I sometime find myself smiling for no reason at all when I think about you.There is a magic about you Deebi, that gives me a warm feeling when I think about you..You are fun to talk to , and so very interesting to listen to..and so kind, caring and helpful. .I feel at ease & comfortable talking to you about most things. I really enjoy being with you & sharing some of my life & me with you..

The memories that I have & I do listen to all I read from you & by reading back of on our fun posts, & most importantly your very caring and helpful posts are everlasting helpful and loving reminders of you and I wouldn't trade them and definitely not ever your friendship for anything in the world..Deebi I need so much your friendship..

I want you to know how very important you are to me and that I treasure every magical post with you. Having you in my life has taught me the meaning of true friendship. something I never had before. and I have you to thank for that. I only hope that I haven't or never will say or do anything to change or jeopardise your friendship to me.... I'm scared, and frightened that I have...Deebi..😢..

I want you also to know that you have become a very special someone in my life, and I want to thank you for filling my life with love and care and helping me to get through some very extremely difficult days and nights....please believe me sweetheart you are a wonderful friend...L🔥VE. Y💜U very much Deebi...

Just quietly sitting with you...watching over you tonight If that's okay....Please be okay..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy👼🦄..

[Ggrand]

Good morning lovely Deebi..

I hope I didn't wake you last night, I checked in on you every half hour, but you head was under the bed covers and I couldn't see your eyes...I made you a nice cuppa and why not it's the weekend so some yummy bacon and eggs.

If you go out today, I hope you enjoy yourself very much.. I really do love you Deebi very much...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy..xx 🦄👼..

🦄'+ 👼 =💜🕊🌹..