Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

🤗💜💑

Beautiful poem thanks hun.

The mutt hasn't racked off.

One comment tonight. Replied. No dramas. Sigh.

See u tomoz sometime hun xx

[demonblaster]

Hey hun sorry it's good to see you 🤗 you've got some stuff going on. Be at yours tomoz lovey have to hit the hay soon. Wrecked, I hate this taking so bloody long getting out

Been very hard today, barely a minutes passed if I let the down thoughts just slamming from one to the next. Realized I haven't been working hard enough, (tiredness) and when I concentrate and DO other things now this won't turn off I tell ya things are sent to test us, if I don't laugh I'll cry. Going to put it in soon friend has a spare while its in. Pretty much everything techs having tantys.

Cya hun thanks for coming round. Hope you are ok. Yip need to ring doc tomoz.

HA got it! Woohoo hope you're good hun 🤗 Nigh nite going to try and get as much sleep as po tomoz. Out maybe fri and Sat. Need people atm if some of them don't talk! Only the stirrers.

Nite sweety hope your physical pains backing off. 😚

💜💑 L&C

[demonblaster]

😊 in case anyone thinks I've lost the plot the gremlins had text stuck on italics but it went through normal

[demonblaster]

BP day 26 (Breakthroughs)

This episode big improvements. Need to remember and keep applying them while I get more strategies in place.It depends on life circumstances.There is stress which isn't easy but I can handle.

I'm gaining more strength esp under the pressure of BP and very tired. Beasty's at me at a constant, if its not past hurts it's scenarios. When I'm aware the logical mind kicks in & they choof then the next. Distraction thinking & positives help too. I'm pretty low but not deep but that can change in an instant.

The Blacks that hit were the turning point. Pulling through has given me hope that I can get through. Other times it feels like I'm sinking and going to come undone but pulling up so far. Was seconds short of a full blown anxiety attack today. Less frequent now.

Furthur thoughts about the first one does the damage, definately mindfulness is needed. Being aware. Early days and it's starting to help.

I haven't yet fully dismissed ending it but this time only fleeting thoughts. Would have been there if I hadn't pulled out. Took every bit of strength was almost physical.

I'm in the throws of making goals then need to act on them which will happen because I've been doing bits lately. Mammoth effort and pushing through when my heads South and foggy is a boom.

I really hope actually need to believe it won't be this hard for ever. I want to make it without meds, there's one to my knowledge isn't specifically for Bipolar that helps sleep. IF I do meds reluctantly it'll be temporary, still thinking very hard on that score.

I CAN do this. Our minds are powerful, look what pain they can cause and the supreme happiness.The price is way too high though. Who knows one day I might be able to have controlled access to mania. Anything within reasons possible with a made up mind.

Fair way to go with mania, longer for hell but lights seeping in.

Metaphorically it feels like there's cement in most of my head everythings scattered there's no order yet but it's happening thanks to excellent MH support here, Mental Health groups, thinking and doing.

My minds not fully made up yet but it's getting there and when it does.. Oh yeah it'll happen! Need the mania to help.

Thanks for listening

[Birdy77]

Dear Deebs,

I really admire you ❤

You have a unique insight to your own inner life that I find amazing, like you can really analyse what's going on in there. I think this is a great strength and it will help to get you through.

You are absolutely right, you CAN do this, and will ... you have so much to give and offer this world and yourself.

Thank you for sharing so much of your inner self, you help so many by being so open and honest.

With love,

🌻birdy

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Deebi,

Always listening. Looking and caring..Please be okay..

💜 & 🤗 Always..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy...xx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB and all,

I agree with the ever beautiful birdy that your insight and self awareness is always impressive. You definitely understand your changes in mood...

I am very happy to hear that you’re recognising improvements. You so deserve for things to start lifting after struggling for so long. I think it’s fantastic that your coping strategies had been useful...

I’m incredibly relieved you didn’t cave to the lure of the siren call though I do worry you’re having those thoughts. Don’t forget, if you’re ever feeling unsafe, you might like to call a helpline or even visit a hospital...you’re so important to us and we want you to be safe.

But I think it’s a positive sign that you’re making goals. I suppose we all need something to strive for to help us keeping going...goals can help a lot.

Like all your other wonderful friends and supporters, I’m also listening.

Super soul hugs and much love,

Pepstar xoxo

P.S. I’m looking forward to you filing up my 🎁 and you’re always most welcome on my thread of course 🙂 Even if I’m not feeling very chatty, I still very much appreciate everyone’s loving posts and words of support. I often read them when I’m struggling...

[Guest8901]

DeeBee, great post! Insightful, raw honest, inspiring and, best of all, hopeful.

You're a champ and deserve a medal. 😇 👍 🌺 🎁 🏆 🌟

Mandy 💜

[demonblaster]

You guys touch my 💗 thank you more than I can ever express. I have a LOT more to do back for bb cause if they didnt provide here where would we all be. First I need to keep Learning & learning my minds starting to open and not sure but possibly manias popping back so if it is I may as well choof the last pill. Ringing Dr next.

Will bbl for previous replies and these last ones. It's starting to HAPPEN 😆😀😁😂🤣😃😅😎🤗😊 even if it's mania now I started doing bits in the hards so it is happening. Can't say realistically not negatively I'm not excited about the next few wks coming down but I've learnt to take it as it comes, until now I've not really known how to hack.

Birdy in case I forget LOVED your beginnings/ending post in your "Words of cpmfort, encouragement and wisdom" thread, I like D&M stuff, wisdom. Also Starts one 👍 they both landed at the right time actually several comments esp lately & goods also in rl. Phew wipes forehead.

Addit; Adding to BP post 100% credit to my amazing MH support worker and the 2 MH groups esp new one & the beautiful friends here and rl. WOW for everything. Ok think I forgot meds so will start today but take others now. Think it is mania. All good I'll get there.

Laters lovelies 🤗 this huggly 💜 a multi tasker, all you have to do is look at it and it fills you with long time love gratitude and 🕊😚

L&C beautiful 🦄💜💗💑

[startingnew]

DB xoxox