Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, 🦄

Awe honey it's okay if you can't talk at the moment, you just take it easy on yourself and rest or sleep do what ever you need to do to get well..that's all that's important..
In BP episode, we are over sensitive and over emotional, I'm not sure why this happens. But it's something I hate as well, because it really drains us..

Oh no you don't want to sell your head...your unique honey your one of a kind, special, Warm, caring, everything that is you, A really very special person..

Early lunch and bed, that's what I done, slept a little, but now prob up all night.

Deebi, sweetheart, Please don't worry about my thread if your not going okay., your more important then anything else, you need to slide out of this episode smoothly and into the norms gently, I think your doing extremely well this episode, you should give yourself a pat on the back....Well done special friend.. L🤗Ve. Y💜u.


It's hard isn't it to remember to breathe and how to use our coping tools it's like we forget, that's why we need to be here so we can be gently reminded to do so.. I wish the same, the heavies are hard to control, keep looking around finding things to study to feel. Awe makes me really sad that your going through this...This will pass honey your doing such a good job keeping beasty away, and I know how tiring it is...

Try to eat something for dinner then maybe rug up on your recliner and watch a bit of 📺 or read just relax my sweet friend...

Thinking of you 💜🕊.

Love, care and Huggly huggy hugs.🤗.

Wishing you and everyone peace for tomorrow.
👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy..xx👼🕊.

[demonblaster]

Hey darlin/s

Thanks Grandy you're a beautiful friend. You're all amazing people that land at BB.

Sleep; got 3 I think hrs. Glad you got some too. I HAVE to get it when I can. Woke up with nearly bang bang head now the migraine.

Grandy my god, MAJOR struggles but pulling through several times. Not allowing emotion. I know it won't fix problems to let them through but just one time I want to not go right down. Have had the odd one easier. As you'd know things are a lot easier in mania which happened I was able to control and get through beasty attacks with effort but easier. ANYTHING's achievable (within reason)

I know around people for me helps pull up but what I really need to do too is allow myself to come down and out of it so not sure what's best yet. Right now I'd rather not but ok to. For now anyway I"ll stagger I thinks the word. Doing it in bits.
Frustrating cause I can't explain even in lucid times a lot either I forget or mostly think as we all do later. Getting to the point's hard yet some people are saying I am clear, god no I"m not able to get a lot across, the rest stays in there but good to hear

I"m thinking about the reply to you as Mandy is and please don't think it's pulling me down lovey it's not. I can't really post or read except here and yours even then on occasion I can't although I catch up in better moments. I feel I"m not there for you and I know your ok about that and like that you tell me bits here so I know where you're at. I get there in better moments. Even that's not exactly right.Talk more later when I'm better

YES I definitely think it's a good idea for you. When I'm pffttt " normal " & stronger I can reply properly. You mentioned you're not very financial at all, I'd imagine accommodation & food would be covered,do you know about how you'd get there re costs etc

Dinner TV bed, you're very caring Grandy and look after me so well, feel your wings. So much comfort from you people.

L🤗Ve. Y💜u too Grandy & Starwolf where ever you are. I wish for youse good health & happiness. All of you.
(( xx ))

This took at least 2 hrs but got there.

[Ggrand]

Hi Deebi,
It's good to hear you got around 3 hours sleep, it all helps to get strength and energy..I'm sorry that post took you 2 hours, butbproud of you for completing it.😚

Very well done keeping your emotions under control, i find it hard not to get emotional, sometimes I'm okay but in a deep downer I can't stop the emotions from happening...Deebi, honey it's hell hard and you're doing a good job, get Demonblaster 🔫 turn your blaster around and give 👿beasty a good dose of your brilliantly glowing soul and heart..that'll make him 🏃 oops, everything facing the wrong way...should be running the other way..choof off quickly..

Deebi, I believe that we learn by trying different things to find out what works for us..We can only keep trying, don't ever loose hope in trying, and always believe in yourself and have faith that you can and will get out of this episode on top...I believe in you and I have faith in you that you will beat this.

Please just disregard my question on my thread, I should not have asked you or any one else...I've been thinking about it, and Idk maybe I can come up with a way around it all....l.Thats what I'm talking about with my life, nothing ever goes smoothly, I'm hopeless at life...it's as simple as that..

Awe honey, your doing it hard, I'm holding beasty off okay for now, so I'm okay, Please don't ever think that your not here for me, you always are, and I love and appreciate you so much for that, sometimes it's just a bit harder to post so just a little post with a few words or emoji to say your doing okay is really good so I'm not stressing out about you...Thank you very much for doing that, through this episode, I know how hard that is for you...You're doing really very well. I'm so proud of you...

Good Night special friend, love you a lot..💜.🕊👼 and our time.

Sleep well everyone, I really hope your all asleep, it's really early hour of this morning, sleeps eluding me tonight, but that's okay I'm not going anywhere tomorrow, I can sleep if I want to..

Wishing everyone a light bright day today..🕊👼..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy 👼🕊..

[demonblaster]

Hi darl and other lovelies

lol I reckon they're round the wrong way too. Pleasant trigger to a good laugh.

Still got the headache but not quite as intense as when I woke. Meds mostly help but need a few doses usually. Adds to tiredness and dryness in mouth. Going to bed again soon. Didn't need a sleeper which is good. I have undiagnosed sleep apnoea, I know because my love had it. On waking luckily rarely, taking all the air in the room, pretty sure those times the lungs are completely empty. Sleep clinic said he was the worst male for frequency of stopping breathing I think it was. Weight loss would've helped me and I think once you have it, it stays so that'd be a big contributor to the extreme tiredness/exhaustion from BP on top of the normal sleep deprivation and energy consumed & leading into it. Just thought of it.

I get so dry in the mouth at night might be that, smoking/dehydration or ?

Beasties today's trying but not getting grips. I need to work on more mindfulness to catch the thoughts before they keep rolling and feeling it more. Takes time, I'm glad at least now I'm catching them eventually. In mania everythings easier to do.

What I want and believe is achievable to do is manage without meds and learn to handle this from within. It's the extreme hard way and know meds work for so many and are needed. I will very reluctantly take them until I learn coping strats. Will talk to Psychiatrist about what I've been doing re meds which is helping. Ok with GP. NOT if they'll gain weight. Through life a big nemisis.

Grandy if you don't want me to reply after I say this I won't. I'd like to because I thought of a few reasons it'd help you and honestly it's didn't pull me down at all. I think it's great you're asking advice.

Glad you're holding beasty off. You'll get better at life Grandy (( hugs ))

Thanks for everything hun xx

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

I hope your headache will leave you today, they are the worse...Forgot to remind you about cool cloth/towel..I wake up with a dry mouth several times through the night, I always take a litre of water to bed with me and leave it on the bedside table,

Keep shoooing beasty away, honey your doing a good job..I'm slowly easing of the meds..I'm still feeling okay but not... Oh Deebi I'm so sorry, I'm just totally confused about what to do on Tuesday...I don't know what to do. and its been consuming me since Thursday....If you have an idea please let me know, but no pressure...Gosh, I hate this feeling of being so useless..

Love and hugs Deebi,

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy👼🕊

[Ggrand]

Dearest zdeebi 🦄,

Im just calling in to say thank you for everything you do and say to me..Your a very special person, gentle kind,smart,compassionate wise and beautiful person..DO NOT, let beasty tell you any thing else...

Im feeling really tuckered out, I'm supposed to do darts tomorrow, hmmmm.

Im sorry I haven't been here for you today, I hope really hope your okay...How's your headache, don't forget to use some cold water on a towel, Deebi, I know we can do this without meds..I don't want meds...Its our mindset.. I know it is..

Meant to say also, my mouth dries out at night because I breathe through my mouth sometimes when I'm asleep.. Maybe sleep study/clinic for you Deebi so you know, and can get it fixed...

Dont let that 👿 Get you..take 🐍 with you everywhere, squeeze his tail then out comes the 🔥 aim it 🔫 at beasty and let him have it..

Im really sorry 🙇‍♀️ Deebi , I know you said my question didn't pull you down, but I still shouldn't have asked anyone, because you're already going through an episode and you always help me..💜...L🔥VE y💜U..

Good Night special Deebi and everyone,

Sleep well and wake up to peace 🕊💜..

Love and hugs🤗💜.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👼Grandy🌹🕊.

[demonblaster]

Hey darls 🙂

Hope you do go to darts but hard when you're tuckered out too. Keep in mind lovey beasty won't want you to go. Your choice lovey. Feel for you hardly getting sleep, it's awful and adds to distress. Creates it more.

Please never ever be sorry for not being here for me, you always are and you've got your rot to cope with hun. If rarely you're not around. Iknow you're struggling and can't. Understand but if it was more than a couple of days then I'd be starting to worry xx

Thanks darls sorry forgot to reply to headache, Yes it took a couple of doses but phew it's gone, they usually come back with in the next 2/3 days but hoping it's gone. Twice remembered the cool thing on neck but didn't help not to say it wouldn't for others. Thanks darl 🙂

I should do sleep clinic. Can't afford the machine anyway, so don't know what gain it'd be going. Fair bit of fluffing to get there although a good friend I've been for ages meaning to go and stay with so she'd probs take me there and after I could stay.

So bloody tired. Got about 3 hrs today and won't be a prob tonight. So far yesterday was the worst that I can remember this cycle although there were a few struggles earlier but mania helped me with them. Boyo it was harsh, the deepest were there but I pulled through. Savage.

Finally got an email off to here, tablet won't let me and it's way easier typing here but no emojis 😞

Ok MH group tomoz then more sleep later. Takes soooo long to catch up in recovery.
Think I asked but how long does it take for you to catch up in recovery?

Nigh night darlin L🔥VE y💜U.. 🙂 aren't you clever putting the fire in there :D. You're serious magic lady, thank you from deep. Everyone else too (( x ))

[demonblaster]

Oh and had my 3rd thing go wonky so that'll do thanks universe, still trying to get ph sorted. Will be a while but can still text at least.

Was cold so couldn't sleep earlier this morning so went for a lovely hot shower, instead nearly froze me solid. The bloody hose broke so had to stop it and tape it up not that it did the job particularly well.
Not sure but might have been at risk of electric shock as the water squirted up to an empty light socket and I had the light on. There's 3 and I just use 1. It went VERY close. Anyway I'm here and safe so that's an asap.

Too late to journal tonight but hope to start tomoz and get into the 3 things Wolfy was talking about.

Nigh night 🙂 xx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely DB and all,

That does sound like a close call. I’m very glad you emerged safely though...

Hopefully with more practice, mindfulness will help to stabilise your thoughts/mood. I’m sure you’ll get there but it just might take some time...

Perhaps you might like to mention your dry mouth to either the GP or psychiatrist when you next have an appointment. Maybe s/he can look into it and be able to offer a remedy...

Super soul hugs and much love,

Pepstar xoxo

[demonblaster]

Hey Pepstar

Thanks darl. Yes it all is and will take time and more so because there's so many blocks up there to let me learn quicker but I'm really happy I'm making progress especially in this one. When I can get organised, remember and do to get notes together in one place which I'm slowly doing more of I can refer to them. Thought I'll try putting an hr and a half aside daily for breathing (before bed) do through the day too, and the looking and seeing the 3D in things, how the light is on them journalling and the achieve gratitude & ? Got it in notes. And some of REBT. To habit it all. Thought challenging. Maybe later I can break it up into sections each day.

Thanks I will mention to GP.

Hope you're well and feeling at least a little better. 🤗

Grandy all best today lovey. Keep in mind hun this is for the better to help you. Better life 🤗

Btw loved the emojis to shoo beasty.

💑 L&C 💜

Slept without sleeper but awake often, got back to sleep.

Would prefer not to go to MH group today but thought I have to if I want to get better. Hoping they don't carry on again with matey because I will say more. Would like to anyway but it would not only down 3 people also cause friction. Anyway see what transpires. Wrong anytime and wrong at a bloody support group of that nature.

Any suggestions on this appreciated, it's eating at me and was told by new psych to speak up. Started with the leader and they're I've heard like that which is detrimental to the group and the other 2 followed.I don't want to blow up over it. Theres a part where they say does anyone want to talk. Best I don't while I'm in BP or recovery. I'm also new there.

Cyaz later thank you. While yet before I come out of this mood wise and sleep.