Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

You make me happy Grandy 💜 Ms pathetic has spoken

In my eyes you couldn't be a better person, we all have faults but yours, the stuff I've seen in you and where you speak from nah they wouldn't be bad. One day you'll see what we see beautiful friend. I care deeply about many here and beginning to feel close to and love as well. I think like and care etc is part of love and 2 people I've met here that I deeply love is you and god I miss you Starwolf x so hope you're alright, kills not knowing. Nothing will change that ..unless you deny me chocolate well..that's another story, I'd have to call DB 🤣

Here's a little 🎁...it's ...oh you don't wear your broach anymore ☹...oh sorry are you in suspense...some gorgeous crystal tinsy (love that) fine earings, they're neat cause they are so delicate, exactly how you'd love them and they are a little bit long, ohhhh looky what a coincidence.. they match your broach 😊 🤗 love you 🦄 thanks for sticking by me I miss our time too 🤝

[Ggrand]

Thank you Deebi....

🍫.🍫 One for Deebi and one for Demonblaster

Good Night Deebi..🦄. Love you.😚🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy.xx

[demonblaster]

😀you're adorabubble nigh nite darls love you too 🤗😗 just noticed the eyes are goid on these emojis they're gentle and kind like Grandy

[demonblaster]

Hey ☺

Peps as always I think of other things before or after lol talking to people here or rl 🙄 re talking deep with people as I think I said I like depth in convo but go with the flo which I do too, I realise now its been in the really hard times of MH when I was pressured from a few people and obliged although changed that in time to stay with family they have a great deal of reciprocated love but have often in the past not known (I should've said I was in a bad place they're not psychic)been mucking around sometimes ganged up two or more which is a major trigger from younger yrs In normal times I'd give back or laugh it off and not worry so I am going to be more assertive gently I hope, I really don't want people I care and love to feel uncomfortable and like they have to walk on egg shells but theres been so many I mean really dark hard times when I needed to be at home not amongst people usually I pull up while it bubbles underneath, so hard not to lash out in pain and anger but I guess they saw the happy go lucky Deebi while hurting hard. So yeah at times I also pull my hair out metaphorically

Other things I want to talk to you about ☺ bbl 🤗 hope your days are better lovely Pepstar

I'm coming out of this but clearly still fragile. Funny I just tadaaa did a post to a newbie and while finishing it in the LGBTI section a gay family members msg'd saying she's getting married which of course I'm happy for her and I know this is always going to be how it is but I feel so 😢😭 that my late love isn't here to see these guys growing and their big events like babies. He was so loving and supportive to the beautiful family. It's over 3 yrs now and I have/am going when I recover to stay with MIL soon who I love deeply and back whos ageing but SO many ghosts. Mostly I'm ok but as people know it continues to hurt but lessens in severity with time.

Anyway using my loved rock (like this analogy) feeling the pain, oops forgot to breath 😅 and relax letting it flow through and moving on. Peps you and Pammy are good with words or anyone if I use the wrong one please feel free to let me know. I check mostly but..

Be safe all, care about you 🤗 super soullllll

[Guest8901]

Hi Deebs. Thinking of you and listening, even if I dont post.

💜 💕

[Ggrand]

Dearest Deebi,

Please be okay..

Love and care for you so deep in my heart..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[startingnew]

hey lovely DB just popping in to see how your going

im not too sure anyone ever stops grieving for the ones they love and miss the most. your darling sounds wonderful, im sure he is proud of you getting through each day the best you can, handling your pain, doing TT (im not sure if your still doing that..?) but even still you done that plus much more. im proud of you too xox

when you start to miss him more, do you think lighting a candle might help? or perhaps writing a letter to him- obviously not post it but you can 'speak' to him through your words like a letter.

sitting with you, offerring a hand to hold when you need with butterflies looking out for you too. gentle hugs xoxo

[demonblaster]

Hey sweets thanks for coming in its nice, eventually I'll get more frequent.

So you're a 💜 💕 they look good together are they your faves

Hope you're ok Mandy your going through such a lot. 💙 nice colour too 🤗🌿🕊

I do too Grandy 💗 its comforting youse coming in it gives a feeling of security. Having a good easy chat with Mil I'm going to ring more, my darling her and I use to regularly. I think grieving backed us off a lot. Lifes too short. It' easy to withdraw. I'm slowly getting back in touch more often. I'm so grateful learning so much here. U better be ok Grandy 🤗 said with L&C

Birdy liked your word you did I forgot to say it was neat, eyes in a word up there 😆still tired Mwah ☺ and L👀👀K remember Grandy. Being creative it's fun isnt it

Starts that was lovely thanks for coming darls. I talk to him quite often. My beautiful mil said she does to her late hubby. I wouldn't have known, so glad. It's good but weird talking to air. We don't know what goes on, I'll tell yaz one day a couple of things happened. I hope he still knows. Oh Starts classic.. don't post it 😂 ok if I do a letter probs be a poem I'll tell posty not to deliver. I needed that thanks

Lay down sarvo no sleep. Tired still not back fully but better than last few days.

Shoulders settling

I'm going off air soon I need to tea and bed earlier 🤗

Cooked 3 times this week veges and fruit happening 🤤

Ok cyaz thank you for your time and care lovely people you really are making a difference all of you 🤗

Sleep well 🌿

[demonblaster]

Thanks Starts nah haven't played tt for wks or couple of mths cause of the pain went in once to say hi will again and when I can. Same missed a lot with sp. Needs but wenr recently couldnt play or help but nice seeing them. Have to wait for a few more wks I think or less hopefully.

Night ☺

[demonblaster]

Sleeping well but still need a lot more.

Woken to a LOT of pain in shoulder damn it! not sure if littles 😢 are from that or still in recovery from BP or both. Both I think. Not gunna be able to sit this one out gunna have to med. Must've slept on it badly, geeez who was the brightspark that gave us nerves when we were made ☺ going too painful