Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[white knight]

Hi DB,

I actually identify with you a lot. I've had psychosis twice and the last time in 2013 it finished my working life as a PI. It was a big part of me, and my business. So for 5 years I've been finding other projects, no project- boredom, depression etc.

I've written 240 threads here on various topics. Some haven't been revisited by members, others have a lot. Depends. so here are a few that might help. Use google and you only need to read the first post unless it really interests you. I know your focus wont be continual.

Topic: Planning a healthier mind- beyondblue

Topic: Do we expect a smooth road in life?- beyondblue

Topic: PREVENTION is better than cure- beyondblue

Topic: So is it your illness or your personality?- beyondblue

Topic: controlling your life, how important is it?- beyondblue

Boredom the closed door to fun- Beyondblue

topic: the "gang" mentality- beyondblue

topic: smoke and mirrors- its not real- beyondblue

topic: want to be a hermit?- beyondblue

Topic: mood changers- beyondblue

topic: who cries over spilt milk?- beyondblue

Topic: depression and toxic people- beyondblue

Topic: your own worse enemy- beyondblue

Topic: over analyzing- beyondblue

Topic: actions not only words- beyondblue

Topic: defending yourself, don't be an easy target- beyondblue

Topic: life on a herdy gerdy- beyondblue (one of my bipolar events)

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: depression and sensitivity, a connection?- beyondblue

Topic: bipolar downers- beyondblue

Topic: Crying, a gauge to our mental strength- beyondblue

Topic: insight and faith- beyondblue

Topic: trust strangers at your peril- beyondblue

Topic: an over active mind- beyondblue

topic: festering issues or moving on?- beyondblue

Topic: switching mindsets- beyondblue

Topic: forgiveness and forgetting- beyondblue

Topic: losing a child- beyondblue

Topic: inner peace- the glory of being YOU- beyondblue

Topic: humility the good Samaritan- beyondblue

Topic: "you are not being reasonable- beyondblue

Topic: Can back to basics help you?- beyondblue

I think that will do. That's some of them that are what you'd benefit from. No obligation to read them. Some readers will anyway.

Some of those have a common factor- lack of wisdom which can often if not always be apparent to others (not to us) when we are on a high. We bp people get agitated and excited and our wisdom goes out the window, we aren't measured in our activities unless we are in the middle between moods down or up.

Tony WK

[PamelaR]

Hiya Deebi (wave to everyone else(

Great to hear you got 4 hours sleep at least. I love the way you want to learn so much. Especially about all those things that are going on inside you. It shows how self reflective you are and this is so important in helping yourself. Also, you help so many others out there too. You're a great role model for others. Keep it going.

I know it's hard when the downs are down, though you do come up and breath again. I see that during these cycles you show us so much about yourself, the disorder/s, experiences it give people an insight into themselves.

Ultimately though, I do wish very much that you did not have the pain you have.

Did you make it to your friend's today for a catchup? Hope so. You deserve it.

Sending loads of thoughts, and calming energy to you DB.

Pammy ❤️

[demonblaster]

Thanks so much Tony very good of you, I've seen you on a few threads I've also been on and had quicky squiz to some

Absolutely inactivity can be good in the right mindset but wicked in depression, beasty feeds on it. I also think though although maybe later when we have more of handle overall on ourselves that we, well I'm at times working on this is being able to cope if we can't do things eg: say physically we do bowls or say games on computer for distraction so lets say we break our arm and hand and can't do that anymore so boredom and possibly depression kicks in, if we've got emotional control which I thinks the key for everyone MI or not but that's probably not doable for every one of course OH JOY to the day I can get to the point lol esp not now and I know I need to cut back on the babble lol.
It's ok as in not pulling me down as much because only the other day I realised I'm a slow learner cause there's a lot of blocks up there with MH issues and hearing here about changing thinking patterns attitudes etc which is great. Little bits seep in but I have SOOO much re reading to do so it's incredibly slow to learn but it'll take a while but I don't feel stupid so much now, I do know I've got good intelligence but honestly I don't know about you when I'm in the downs and dead tired I come across as stupid and in a perfect world people wouldn't add to the stress by acknowledging and making you feel stupid. Pffft some people waste of air

SW (Starwolf) sorry I remember most stuff after the fact or before and forget to mention to someone something lol

Went through psychosis with father in law (fil) no offense Tony, it was really bad, I've been close couple of times, I've always had fight in me, I don't mean I'm a cow no not but I defend myself usually and have had to fight hard often with a lot of people over the yrs, moved around a lot more people dealings and around some that aren't nice but there's been times when I couldn't russle up a word, all I could say is no ..I can't and if I did I would've got to that point, final straw isn't it too much pressure and pain exhaustion beyond

Up to you but I'm interested in hearing if you'd like to talk about it 🙂

Yes it's highly stressful even in the bliss of mania, amazing though to experience isn't it.

[demonblaster]

Pammy thanks so much, oh gotta say while I think of it a book I fluked on recently, right place right time uncanny wasn't planning on hitting the op shop either loven it by Kevin Leman a DR .."Have a new you by Friday, (nah not by friday I reckon, maybe in 2/3 yrs on Friday, ha yeah he didn't say which Friday :D) I've only touched the surface and he explained there are 4 personality types and one is Singuine I think and that's me and he's a dog lover so he dummied it down with dog types easier to remember and already I feel a bit of relief about myself because that personality type amongst other stuff likes attention (listen too) compliments tend to be self-centred but I care about others which again it'll take time but don't like about myself.

Also he's talking about whether you're the oldest middle or youngest which I am and whether male-female siblings & their place in relation to older or younger to you and reasons why people behave like they do. So eventually I'll read more then get Pauls (Blondguy) Claire weeks book on acceptance which he swears by and I trust his knowledge too. I usually don't read non fiction but am starting too, another win woohoo

Not today lovey but thanks asking ya sweety 🙂 I'm doing the flicks and out pub club whatever tomoz, I thought OH NO did I forget an outing lol, I stick them in my phone for reminders so usually not bad on appointments.

I've got a nag that there's something I wanted to say to you but nah it's on walk about.

[white knight]

Hi db

Im happy to chat away here as our friends here dodge our posts lol

I also have anxiety (gone now), depression and dysthymia. I believe dysthymia , a low mood constant depression was sparked by my brother near drowning in 1968. I was 12, he 15. He had a fit under water and I managed to haul him over the side knowing he'd fall 1.2 metres. But that caused him to cough up water (lucky) and I screamed. My parents brough some jam (diabetic) and he was ok. I was in sjock and didnt speak a word for 3 months.

So, thats where dysthymia came from. Its taken me a long time to find out what illness was causing what symptoms.

My bipolar comes about usually through stress and my cycle lasts between 6 and 14 days. About once a year per cycle. On a daily basis stress (too many things going on at once) causes moods and I get snappy. I am trying to learn to deligate tasks to my wife and I'm getting there.

All my threads are original. Ive read about 3 books in my life. I usually read bits of magazines. Short bursts as focus is hard, distractions often. I have studied ever aspect of my mind, reactions, emotions etc constantly improving.

One thing that hasnt improved is my memory. People with a good memory have no concept of what its like to have a poor one. Daily life depends on it. Without a good one I make claims in discussions and I'll be told "I told you that". Long term memory is ok.

This could be caused by a few things. Meds (I have many incl for deep vein thrombosis), heavy drinking from 17-20yo in the air force (not alcoholic, just wanted to be popular), stress maybe, emotional trauma including 3 long term breakups, financial hardship (not now) etc.

I dont know about you db but my emotions were stunted. At 17yo when I joined the RAAF I likely had emotions of a 10yo, not that it was obvious. At 30yo about 17 and so on until now at 62 its caught up. This was masked by another side to my personality that I refer to as "the tin soldier". That side resulted in me becoming an airman, prison officer, ranger, security, private investigator, the last running my own company for 18 years. I could, at 21yo, supervise prisoners then ball my eyes out at home.

I have written a manuscript. I have tried publication so far without success. There are 3 characters. Tony the emotional. Anthony the tin soldiet (who think Tony is a sook) and the medicated Tony that Anthony is afraid of. The book contains 95 poems as well integrated where they are appropriate.

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Good Night Deebi and Tony. and Pammy.

Deebi....A bunch of flowers and a unicorn for my extra special lady friend ....🦄💐.. because you are magical and this magical unicorn will protect you..

Tony....A rose and an eagle for another special friend 🌹🦅..your beautiful eagle will take you to new heights of adventure with Leo Rojas..

Pammy...A bunch of flowers and a peace dove for another special person....💐🕊 the peace dove is to help you find peace and heal.

Good Night all, I hope you all sleep well.

Love you Deebi..

Love and Care,

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Hey guys 🖐

Tony I remember reading that somewhere about your brother wow you saved his life matey and what a horrific thing to go through and at such a tender difficult age, so awful what so many people have to deal with you poor thing going into shock 3 mths sheez. I'll be back no doubt tomoz oops I did the right thing logged out of pc earlier and went to do same here and been re reading oops nearly 1.30am I know you too amongst many have a soft spot for Grandy and I love her dearly but can you plz not tell her I'm up so late/early 😷 our little secret. While I remember meant to say before I'd like to read your threads for a while I have a lot of homework ☺ to do reading back, that was good what you said about first post only if I want. I'll try and do so sporadically.

This is the first time I've spoken much have in bitsies to other BP sufferers so it's refreshing I know there's a thread one day I'll post have looked in. Catch ya later ☺

Grandy 🦄 geez my tums making some sounds if I add 🥁 I've got my own symphony and you could sing (your words you sound 😂 like a escaped animal from the zoo) we could call the band the howlers 🤣 oh that was a classic you crack me up, Pammy too Doolsy Flick Mandy (wonder woman) its nice getting to know people to play a bit aye Starts has come out with stuff too she got me today on her thread

Anyhoooo I want to remember, there goes my gut again I only had milk, to tell you about a couple of pan flute ones we got maybe garage sales or friends moving whatever their lovely, I think of you when I see his name hes good and has a few CD's by the looks Leo Rojas

Random; does anyone know Desiderata its a meaningfu how to say how to go through life and handle it I guess, my bible kind of and the amazing track by Les Crane theres versions but the best is scenery ones and his voice is amazing its mind blowing wisdom to the max and theres part song in it

Grandy you're magical thankyou, what a gem and for everyone supporting it really means a lot. Does it take you ages finding the little emoji critters G apart from recently used I still don't remember most anyway I'll have a look in my little shop hang on (just thought of you saying now what's in my bag 🤗 ..👀..😲..🦂...get back in there ..go on shoo..💑...yawn...3 wks later... don't forget your 🎁...surprise...formulating it every now and then in my head...you don't know what it i.hisss that's a kiddy voice

Night guys sleep well 🖐

[Ggrand]

Good morning Deebi,

Thank you Deebi, you made me lol..The howlers..Good name for what my singing sound like..

I hope your tummy is okay,,hope nothing you ate or drunk..Wow Deebi, I finally got to sleep for an hour or so, when I woke up and just had to have..couldn't get it away from my thoughts..oh dear Deebi, I wonder if i dreamed something..Ok a cup of tea, I tried to avoid what my thoughts were telling me to have, but in the end I gave in to it..are you ready..I had to have bread and butter pickled cucumbers on hot buttered toast..This is 3.50am..Okay I had some, now my stomach is arguing with the added contents....

Geez Deebi, my brains not working, I wanted to talk but well my brain has to much chatter.. Need to sleep more...now... strange I feel like I'm outside my body..

Good Night/day..today's so worrying for me.. mhn didn't even give me a time.. not fair Deebi,,

Love you Deebi,

(L&C)..💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB (and all),

Sorry, I feel like I have heard of Desiderata except I have no idea what it is (who it is?) or what it means. I feel so ignorant. Lol. You can help educate me and explain if you like 🙂

Also, thanks for my promotion to Super Apprentice. What and honour!

Also, as always, your understanding of your own mood is impressive. It’s great Tony WK plus others are on board to share their personal experiences of bipolar with you (and vice verse).

Sending love and souls hugs for the next 2 days. Talk after the weekend.

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Deebi,

I just went through my bag and found a few things for you and your friends tonight....Ah let's check out the ..shoes first,,how about these ones ..Take your pick 👠👞👟...oh ..oh..some clothes..👖👚👒👗..I think the jeans and t shirt with the hat...but up to you honey...ummm..something to eat..I have to dig my cool pack out of my bag..🎒 Lol it's a bottomless bag so I can fit everything and anything into it....oh yeah food..🍫🍦🍱 and a drink as well..🥃🍹...Of course...a beautiful flower to put on your shirt/dress..🌸💐.. There you go all set for a wonderful evening...Sending you some 🕊 Peaceful and happy energy your way..

Deebi, I'm hoping you have a really great time tonight, and the movie is something you enjoy, Great friends make great memories..

Enjoy yourself honey, you deserve it..Put your mental health on the "back burner" tonight and just enjoy yourself..

Love you Deebi,

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy.