Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Dearest lovely Deebi,

Im sorry hun that your heading into what looks like another cycle, this one came round very quickly for you...hopefully the downers won't stay with you for too long or go to deep this time...Please always hard I know. This episode won't stay with you forever, it will pass and you will get better, believe this right from now the start of and keep believing and repeating...if you can sweet darling...

You make sense about feeling disconnected, I understand what your trying to say...but I don't know if this is good or not but I like being disconnected from me, I don't know I feel better somehow..safer being away from my body..sorry I got sidetracked...

Mindfulness Deebi is a good go to, study every aspect of the sunrise, an ornament, your floors, furniture, sit on your balcony and study the views...I'm using mindfulness a lot, I can usually do it okay when I'm not down to far, so maybe a way for you to get on top before going right down...if I'm down too far nothing works much for me except listening/talking to the people here. expwessilly you..

Well done sweetheart sleeping without meds...not an easy thing to do, but you did. 😁😅..oh Deebi, That must have taken a long time to reach zero😅😂..and to do it again, awwe poor darling..You really have got determination and that's an asset to beat beasty...

Maybe a trip to the snow soon only if your a weelly good girl and look after yourself.🤗..Please do Deebi...🦄👼💜..

I hope you sleep good tonight Deebi, and wake up in a happy and stay that way...but if not I am here always for you, when ever you need to talk or not.. doesn't matter what about either...Please Dearest friend please be okay..🌹🦄👼🕊..

Love you very much Deebi...🦄👼...wishing you 🕊🕊.. Wishing everyone peace...

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy🦄👼....🕊💜..

[Ggrand]

Hello Dearest a Deebi,

Im popping in to ask you how your feeling today and if you are ok? ..

Love and care for you sweet Deebi, your always in my heart and thoughts of you constant...

Hope you are okay sunshine...you light up my life...I want to do the same for you.....

Love and hugs....deeply 🌜🦄💜👼🌛..encased in friendship...

Grandy...

[demonblaster]

BP/status day 5

Ohhh Happy day yyy sss. Manias still lurging, Ohhh what a shame :D.
Lunch with besty lifted a pretty average mood on waking. Good so far been able to pull up. Positives etc (Wolfy)

Controlling the manias similar to how in the last few mths I've mostly managed to settle the anxiety/adrenalin pump with calm thought control (Grandy, Pauly) and not reacting to first impulses. Slowly learning to not accept first only thoughts as truth and following through and breathing/saying relax on exhale.

Good ole mania, got another pkt of fags but I'm NOT taking it up full time again guaranteed!. Relapse but only 2nd pkt in about 3ish wks. All good. Happier not smoking actually. The fags caused the extreme dryness to the point of being parched and hurting to swallow I realised. Normal dryness now days.(mouth breather)

Cementing head set to get the weight off, bodies feeling it & achilles stirred up damn it I'll increase the exercises Grandy xx
Mind you mania makes everything a certainty but positive on fags weight and helping here

Starting to learn the most foul horrible word in the dictionary....NO...whoever invented that needs a gag. Happy cause more resolve to achieve goals. Food and fags don't hurt us (apart from Mental torture) when we don't have them, it's helping knowing that.

I'd prefer to stay off meds for at least 3 mths (forever ideally). I won't know until a few more episodes if I didn't get my normal happies back in between which sometimes happened anyway. Haven't heard anything yet for the skype diagnosis' so I won't ask again for a bit and God forbid I might get motivated to do some more research, have done tinsys. Was so excited cause I thought I was starting to break through the motivation wall but it's mania that makes me "normal". I'll get there. Have motivation atm to do art for a card so I'll try and use that to continue doing it.

I was getting teary on a few posts but remembered to feel the pain and let myself cry as opposed to blocking, let the emotion part slide through and thought about why it's hurting which saw me through a few. Good start. They were only winsy cries.

Thanks for listening and your time 🙂

[startingnew]

Hi lovely SL. Grandy, Peps and all here too

im sorry i havent been here for you as much as i normally would. Hugs to you all , ill try to read back to see whats been happening xoxoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello Special a Deebi,

Im pleased today seems to be good for you, sooo very happy that you had lunch with beastie today and enjoyed yourself...

Good girl with your relax and deep breathing helps a lot to calm us very good, oh sweetheart pleased to here you will do archillies exercises..

Yes I can relate to mania and clear head...it feels good doesnt it..We can do whatever we want..(😂within reason)...then yucky yucky times..I try not to think about anything except today...

Oh Deebi there were a few very sad threads today,,I also had a few cries, I really just hope so very much that everyone is okay...

Oh lovely lady, I though if you wanted to I cooked up some fish and salad and thought you might like to come over mine and we eat while the stars ✨ are out.. I have blanky and my Lavender scented pillow, if you wear your shawl and I put the heater outside we can watch the glittering stars, I miss watching them with you...they are out and are giving us such an amazing natural show....Come and sit next to me, While we eat and talk then we can just sit, your head on my shoulder if you want to and just look at the stars while we sit quietly and enjoy each other's company while the stars can shine down on us giving us some of there twinkle for tomorrow...

Love you Deebi, 🤗💜🕊...Here for you anytime and always..

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy🦄👼 🕊....

[demonblaster]

Absolutely loved your second sentence precious LOL and it was a real hearty laugh too
((( xxx ))) You're a classic 😄

SLD hi darling thanks for popping in (( xx)). Please don't ever be sorry, I know you can't stand me 😉 just playin hun. You've got untold going on and I know you care darlin that's more than enough for me 🙂
Sounding promising that you're getting a little more movement on your toe with less pain, here's hoping darls. That coloured yarn or ? sounds gorgeous, very happy you're doing that. Been thinking about that actually & considered doing it too but want to work on my art. Keen to make candles and loved doing.. dahh mind block...at school it's carving with special tools on not lino what is it...it's a lightish brown colour, call ya back on that one. Expensive damn it but might find a way to do it. Driving me nuts now trying to remember but it'll come. Maybe it is lino ..nah/yeah/dunno

Soz Grandy lovey all intentions of replying today but it's oops past pumpkin time so I better hit the hey. PC friend visiting tomoz apart from that free till Mon tho Sat might out with new MH group. Apparently we can only out if we go to the meetings that I've missed the last mth but rebel Deebi says I'm going anyway cause I'll be back Monday and as my MH bloke mentioned to (good on him) as everyone knows with MH issues we all sometimes need time out. They won't kick up luck to them if they do 🙂

Cool about snow, but uh oh I've been a widdle bit norty. (later)

Started a reply earlier so I'll add that tomoz.

Many thanks apart from your amazing besty friendship that constantly blows me away and Grandy I mean that sincerely...WOW... was telling besty today, for saying even if I just want to chat. God I love you.

Oh fanks for fixing my dose, I'm nearly back to talking normally after Destiny tried to eat my nose. Lovely walking around with tiny wee punctures

Nigh night darlings, hope the sleep fairies good to you both (( xx ))

[demonblaster]

Grandy just jotting this here to remind me to ask you about starting a thread. xx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB (and a wave to all),

I feel sad for your very unwell friend. But what I’m feeling is nothing compared to what you must be feeling for her.

You have such a beautiful and generous soul to want to help take care of her during whatever time she has left. The knowledge that her time is limitedd must be so painful...I’m holding your hand. Gentle, gentle squeezes.

I’m really liking your goals to try to smoke less and manage your weight. I think that’s great! Plus I suppose physical and mental health is intertwined.

I’m happy to hear you’re getting back into art! I was thinking maybe you might like to look up how to make candles online. The internet has everything these days so I bet there’s something there. Just a gentle suggestion... up to you of course 🙂

I’m very proud of you for giving yourself permission to feel your emotions, no matter how painful. Well done, and thanks so much for sharing that with us. I personally feel avoidance and distraction has its place but ultimately feeling emotions is part of the healing and just life in general...or at least in my opinion anyway.

I’m very excited for this prezzie you’re working on for me. It sounds epic! Lol. Thank you, lovely DB 🙂

Oh yes, “Ms Innocent”? Of course you don’t know how that bite mark appeared in the choccie bar that you gave me...a real mystery, right? Lol. Maybe it was a stray cat...hmmm...

Much love and very warm super soul hugs to you and your dear friend...

Pepstar xoxo

[Ggrand]

Good Morning special Deebi,

I hope your day is a good day and you enjoy today with your pc friend..😁....

Oh no sweetheart, 😁 Silly silly me...I'll have to be more careful and proof read everything..😁😁😂.. but pleased you had a good laugh..

i hope today is a good day for you and everyone...

Love you very much treasured friend, ..hmmmm 🤔..now who might that be...You Deebi..L🔥vE and C💜rE for you deeply..

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy🦄👼....🕊..

[demonblaster]

Darling Peps and Grandy (( xx )) Hi anyone else 🙂

Mind blowing light bulb... ? revelation. Seriously. Just found the REASON for all of us to live and pretty sure ALL of us can access it... most of us already do!!!!. Lot more time and thought needed but it's the beginning of something incredible

The experts might already know this but I didn't and with more thought thanks to mania I'm going to get this. Trust me this is the real thing.

When I get there and it'll happen it's going to help EVERYONE!!!!

Taking my time with the post because it's the most important thing I've ever said and want to articulate perfectly to be heard.

Not mania madness... mania brilliance.

I'm going to ride with this and cop it sweet on the other end, no difference to any other time anyway except I'm slowly starting to learn how to handle the Blacks.
The only control I"m doing this time round is the excitement pump (Might be connected to adrenalin as well (later) because it turns into a tsunami.
Day 6 and I'm ragged already which seems to be helping not go higher and I'm more rational and calm at this stage. Not so much clutter upstairs

Not going to prn med if I can help it through the day at least and going to try to sleep at night without them so I can think more through this but if I can't sleep I will.
Headache kinda helped cause I got sleep with those meds and soon too hopefully. I was on here several hrs might be the head angle brings them on.
This episode so far is the best yet at focusing only on MH and the other project as in actively using the tools that come in mania to get things done

Beautiful friends I read everything that's said here and other threads. Clearly haven't mastered yet to not say I'll do something eg: bbl to reply to posts.
I love and appreciate your time and effort with support and am realising through these I just have to go with the flow. Forgive me if I don't reply specifically to posts at times. The no pressures fantastic here but do like to try. Slowly.. very am starting to use notes. Does anyone know of a good easy note app. I have One note and it's good but not but something similar.

Many thanks and much love

Love you little ,Angel wings (L&C) xx