Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Deebi,.💜🌹👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 ...Never will I leave you..I'm feeling really not good about myself, in fact hating myself (sorry, but truth atm).. Please believe me..I will never ever leave you....I am hurting a lot atm..😭..Triggers, rejection & guilt hurts so badly...no off line support anymore.. I just cant get my thoughts together, the black dog is with me.. please honey have patience with me and stay with me..

Love you deeply and for always..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹💜 Grandy...

Deebi.😭+😷....👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,.

Im really sorry I forgot to tell you, (a little sternly, but with great love for you.). Please look after yourself..

I posted mine before reading your BP thread..I am okay, please don't worry....💜🤗🌹..

Im just scared I'm bothering you by posting to much on your thread..I'm sorry if I have been..

I feel lost and confused...but not confused in how I feel about you, sweetheart..Love you..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹💜..Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Mandy 🤗 no ones implied this here, I hate it but know I'm hard work but I try hard not to be. On saying that I'm fairly easy going yeah I know... contradicted 🤔 Most people are with/out a dud head pfftt sigh

Atm I'm intermittently 😭 fair bit. It's taken many yrs to scrape from near bottom and start liking myself 65/70% when its around 20% or less

Yes been considering hospital. Big for me, bad experiences to this day reaching out gettin rejection/misdiagnosis. Doubt they'll think I need it, I can pull up put on a face and at times am happy. Its intermittent just a few second ago was bawling my head off now I'm average ok but not crying. Lot of thoughts esp in these times. No plans to act on them

I know I'm not the only one here (no one implied it) in reply yes please post if you can. Makes me feel better esp in these times having people that get it care and support. RL ones don't need this and its too often. V.good friend asks everytime but I've started being brief and skirt it, as with others. I really cant put this on them. I'm seeing more why people dont talk to people. I still do in general terms.

I want to reply out of decency hun & slowly getting less overwhelmed with threads and replies seeing how people work them. Thanks ☺

And for everything you said darl you're a beautiful ,loving friend 🤗🌹

Going to get smokes again. Shaking head. In such a hole.

Grandy love I'll be back later 🤗💜

God I've got maturity but wondering if my head stopped growing when I was 2 yrs old. I feel like a pathetic idiot

[Guest8901]

Oh Deebs, I'm so very sorry everything is so damned hard right now. I simply cannot imagine why you cannot like yourself. Everyone else certainly does. 🤗🌹 But we see ourselves very harshly dont we?

Deebs, you saw a new cousellor/psych recently. One you got along well with. Have you told them just how bad you feel at times? Being totally honest with them in telling them just how low you get at times. Or did you put on your "I'm okay" mask with him too? If they were made aware, then they may be very supportive about getting you into an appropriate 'residential' intensive therapy for you. Yes I accept hospital may have some bad experiences which makes you reluctant, but it make take something like that to get you 'kick started' and on the road to a real and lasting recovery.

I totally understand about not telling people in our real lives about just how low we get at times, or what goes through our heads. And thats the reason why I have never discussed it with anyone in my real life. I just cant do that to them.

Thank you for replying, given the effort it has obviously taken it is very much appreciated. You say you would like me to post here when I can. I will do that, but I do not always expect to get an answer. And thats fine btw. Everyone understands that you can only do so much, and we all support you in that.

Sending love and hugs. 🤗🌹

Mandy 💜

[quirkywords]

Db

I read something you wrote to DR Kim about taking something to soften the depression but not the mania.

AS you know I was diagnosed with bipolar over 40nyears ago and I am still juggling and sometimes struggling.

For me I learnt if my highs were not so high my lows would not be so low.

I can feel your pain through your words and though I haven't been posting I do read your threads and your posts. You give so much to others I hope you have time and energy for yourself.

You are compassionate and wise beyond your years. You give hope to so many reading through your honesty.

You are in a bad place but now but you will find your way and you have many people supporting both vocal ones and silent ones.

Look after yourself

I am so glad I am around now and that have come through my struggles. There are so many wonderful people in the world.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello Swwet Deebi,

Please and I really mean this from deep down inside my soul..Look after you first..Honestly you don't need to reply to me..I can feel your frustration at trying to get a post out. It sounds like your rapid cycling again..it's so exhausting so please sleep, rest and be a good girl and eat healthy.

.Awe Deebi...How it hurts 😢 to hear you say that about yourself.. You have a very matured mind...You are a nurse that takes courage time and brains.. You help so many here your insight, knowledge and compassion are so incredibly helpful to so many posters and readers, that's Gold Deebi, your Gold...

Demonblaster!!!....🔥...Just a gentle reminder....Remember what you told me/us about thoughts..We can only have one thought at a time...when negative comes in pass it through but think positives or do something you like to move your negative thoughts...

Your not your depression Deebi, your stronger then [IT] xx please pull out Demonblaster..your stronger then you realise..

Please Sweetest Deebi, be okay..🤗..Love you 💜.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹💜. Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Guys when I say thank you. Really mean it. Crying saying it.You guys are amazing 🌹

God its powerful. So are we though.I've learnt from this one at least.

Picking up sarvo had more short bits of people contact texts call to beautiful mil etc helped. One day I hope to be able to pick myself up not need people as much.

Grandy hun I thought you were going cause you said you spend too much time here, from my heart please believe I really do love you and LOVE you being here, makes my day honestly. Miss when I don't see you but thats not meant as pressure. Starfish was beautiful and your posts are amazing I so love our time. I'm honestly sorry being so bloody clingy, anyone want this head I'll throw in extras like this urghh body, put on 7.5 kgs but I'll get it & more off oh goody while I give up the puffs, too much fun 😑 no way Im putting it back on again. Was over 30 kgs when we gave up 😶before for 6 yrs. Kicking myself. Not kidding I'm in a hole. Life changes stuff & its my own fool doings.

Sweet you're beautiful saying that stuff, yes compassion but man I've taken a dive in confidence posting to newbies, On good days trying the odd ones but I think I've gotta sort my head first I can barely post at times, no exaggeration on times its taking. But I'll try. Thank you though 🌹 When beasties not shredding me I do like myself to a point but as you know its brutal. You're not travelling well huns 🤗 what's helping me is knowing it'll pass not that it helps right now. You've been sick too and had a very rough time lately. I'll look after you soon too but for now just dropping this off for later. You have us lovey 💜🌹💑

If I hadn't had that clarity I'd be thinking more wether its worth it. Some uncanny good things followed too, wow a series of happenings including that premonition of you re CC and thinking similar about emojis several things just slotted in. Running out of characters. Calm before storm Not delusional they did happen like the friend and her car battery, did I say that to yaz.

Mandy/Quirky/Wolfy/ Starts/Peps/Random loves I'm definately going to reply. I'd best turn off for now to get to bed earlier. Wrecked ⚘still a while to go yet.

Nigh nite and again thank you 🌹

[startingnew]

Sending lots of love and gentle hugs SL 💗❤💜💙💖⛤🌈

[Ggrand]

Good Night Sweet Deebi, 🦄

I would love to give you a virtual fantasy head massage, but my last one was removed after a few hours on your thread, I am scared now to do this anymore as I'm thinking I must have upset someone and they asked for it to be removed..If that person is reading this please believe me that I'm really sorry that I upset or triggered you...I didn't mean to..

It seems I am doing a lot of wrong things lately..

Deebi thank you for saying I can post here anytime and that you love hearing from me..Those words really made me so happy and made me feel special and less lonely 💜🌹..I love our time...now we're helping each other...we will get passed this honey.....then later on we will be messing around, and we might even get to have our campfire Night...we all need to be fairly well to enjoy it...our time here Deebi is pure Gold 24ct...as you are my special friend...

You clingy, no. no Deebi, I think Im more clingy than you are, I need to hear from you daily as well..and also no pressure on you hun.....Oh..oh...I forgot..I seen this and had to get it got you...wait...💼..looking..move this over ther..put this here...ah..ah..here it is..it's a giant fluffy, dreamy cloud soft 🤗 Huggly hugs teddy bear..Take huggly to bed and the harder you cuddle huggly the most beautiful wind pipe will play to put you to sleep....

Ill be okay..I'm concerned about you atm hun, your really special, and your really important.. please be okay..Thank you for dropping of those beautiful words and your 📮..💌..Love you..

Good Night all my lovely friends, I'm hoping you all sleep deeply and dream nice, waking up to a brighter day tomorrow..🤗🤗🤗..

Warm and sleepy time hugs..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜🌹Grandy...

[Ggrand]

Good Morning Deebi.

A cup ☕️ tea. 🍣bacon and. 🍳..and beautiful 🌷🌹 roses for a beautiful person....Breakfast is serve my lovely,,I hope your day is a good and 🦄 day.. look after and be kind to you..

Sending my love and care to you..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy..