Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Guest8901]

Morning Deebs, so pleased to hear that things are looking brighter and that your pain is a little better now. Hope you have a good day too.

Amanda

[demonblaster]

😃😃😃😃😃😃...Ohhhh...I'll have what she's having ...wait up... I did 😍😀

GRANDY DARLIN LADY 🤗 you seriously have a talent there thank you soo much if Icould take a 📸 of my face with 😃 ear to ear you'd see what those and your posts do for me angel thankyou soo much and for your time and effort for me WOWfunny I' like big kid at bed time tucked up and hearing a story. You've got serious 🦄 (magic) happening G. Glad you said its good for you too they're an escape aye

Daa tablet gremlins again.I get tremendous satisfaction if something isn't workin figuring out how to get around it frustration but I ignore the feelings of that and concentrate on a fix. So takes longer but at least it doesn't win nyaha not sure if tablet misbehaving or what but couldnt copy your last fantasy escape want to an Wolfys to if not on PC should be able to

Grandy think I did unless it was a post that didn't land apologised for saying I think I dont have much longer here not by my had it was a strong feeling I had/have occasionally but apart from physical and MH I'm amazingly healthy an usually don't question my mortality but whats meant is meant.Sorr lovey to upset you 🤗 really do love you think about you often offline and couple others at times

Something else forgot to reply to I'll re read late if I dont reply let me know caus Im only starting to learn not to rely on memory ..whats that...forgot lol

Hope you're starting to pick up again G lady you have so much bs but good thing you have many here that love an look up to you

Do you want me to back of on truth bout your goods?

Just remembered nah birthday I'l keep sweet Ive said too much here an yet fb better so trying to be more cyber safe

Tbh you f2f I'd say anything to take that as whopper me loveagai thanks so much forour amazing escape LOVE EM 🦄 +💑+🐘

💜 what"s your fave colour/s

[demonblaster]

Hi darling Mandy you're a lovely supportive caring girl thanks so much for everything hun.

No wonder I'm getting confused I think its gone was going to re read your post or my marbles are wobblier nah than I thought 😄

I thought I may have misunderstood something but not sure now but all good over reaction on my part.

I replied to you and Grandy last night but not through yet unless its landed back I'll check so I'll keep an eye

Thanks hun really 🤗

I'll get back to you near future must go back bed soon. The pain if I dont do anythings still there but can live with but settling phew hairy for few days recently

Looking forward to our parteeeey tomoz, today is thursday isnt it? Lol they blend

Morning but soon I'll be saying nigh nite 😚

[demonblaster]

Yeah found it so marbles are wobbly 😀nah all good 😊

I'm very grateful for your time and effort that was kind darl thanks

Yes I read a couple of times on chookys thread to understand that and your summary helped as well geez hard ride poor people what they have to deal with's just WRONG aye. Good you're researching

The only thing I can relate to is darling partner with leukaemia and the 8 mths from go to woe yes it was horrendous but also lot of good times too and I grieved a lot there as well as BP slamming, back outs some severe it was a nightmare but I handled it, been through lot of situations in my life but the main thing that pulled me through was

• He was alive
• Nursing experience

1 yr trained EN after bein AIN -enrolled nurse and assistant in nursing not formal training then learn as you go.

So it wasnt till then that because SO many were saying I'm strong that I realised after asking MIL & SIL why that I am, thought I was weak till then. Bipolars weakened yet toughened me too and moving around a lot wild child different situations people etc

My people rot has been my biggest down in life and of course BP downs majority the deepest types.

I had times with friends I felt I didnt have control? Not power trying to remember anyway was domineered that was horrid cause I'm more a leader and another was horrible to hang with and another was a straight out cow and these were separate vulnerable yrs and I had times of loneliness in childhood only cause not many kids around or lived too far away

The rest of rot wuite a lot from moreso blokes kicked self esteem

Junkie went through my life was one of 2 blokes that hit me...ONCE but handled it all in a fighting aggressive way ..had to

Theres all sorts of poor treatment in my life from blaghhs but moreso I have now more love and like than ever

So no darling I don't think I fit it but complex full stop lol. A lot of pain although stimulating comes from moving around a lot different jobs different idiots lol one day I'll take the hurt memories out and just see them as exactly that ..idiots and their loss

Thank you for listening. Thats bits anyway

[Ggrand]

Good Morning Deebi,

I just need today good morning..

My heads too full today..

To much traffic on my thread DB.

I just feel so lost today. Just one of those days again.

A bit hard to talk atm, Love that you love the magical world last night..Thank you honey,

Please know I love you, care for you..and I'm here for you no matter what..please enjoy your day..

❤️❤️❤️🦄🤗🤗🤗🐘.

👩‍❤️‍👩 Grandy 👼

[Guest_1055]

Hello DB,

There is no need to reply to me, and please do not feel pressured to. All cool....

I have been silently reading in here last night and just now. And my heart goes out to you so much. You have been kind to me and I wanted to say a big Thankyou to you.

I do hope with all my heart you will feel better soon in many ways.

shell xx

[demonblaster]

Ahh Grandy give us a hug or I'll give you one or how bout shut up Deebi just hug her 🤗

Ooops too much traffic oh oh I just caused a major road block 😚

Darl you can unload here anytime if you want I don't mind at all ok, but sitting here quiet no problemo I'll just throw the kettle on or 🍾 your call. I left a drop in case you needed some of the good stuff

Thanks sweety just been here few baby cries but fine just tired going walk soon get lunch try for sleep laters maybe you could lay down comfy and drift off I imagine you're not sleeping much these days poor darling.

On a lighter note went shopping again not quite sure how I'm 💰💸 it but saw a 🦄 magic special potion its actually quite💲but don't worry was on special, half price for fiddy cents, this is rare so lucky to snag it and it brings complete peace free of pain anxiety and particularly bad memories, it's called ...simply peace..problem is I haven't got a lovely container for it, was going to put it in 🍼or ⚱then OMG realised what the latter is phew awkward moment no: 6 million so decided to 🎀 it and put it in 🎁 whatever your fave colour box is. Its in powder form all you do is look and breath in and instantly it makes you feel whole again.

This is what I want for you Grandy ⚘

💗

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,

If it's okay I want to reply to your post to my thread on here..if that makes any sense.

just this post, we will be no hold back for me..ok? I'm trying to make you understand something.

Ist of all....I do love you, deeply, and more then you will ever know.. in. ❤️.. if that's possible. You have insecurities about how I feel towards you.. Please don't..I can understand a little, believe me I will not just dissapear, I need you always...I love you. Those words are all a heartfelt and so much truth..a promise to you from me..please believe me..I don't lie or say things I don't mean..I speak the truth...

2nd...I know you love me......but I have the fear that you will get tired of me, leave my thread after being a part of my heart then support others and not come back to answer we both have insurcurities I can't not speak to you daily, because I love you, your a part of my life, heart now..if to much every day ok please say so.. I will back off....you see I know that everyday I have you in my life..if you tire of me and move on...I'm lost..

3rd.....It's okay to say, speak to me what you feel. at times I might question me or you, but there is no way I want to hurt you by making you hold back...if I slip and I might occasionally and say differently about me..please have patience as that will pass..

okay I forget what else was on reply in my thread, will finish answering you there later on if ok..

❤️❤️🦄🤗🤗🐘

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy👼.

[demonblaster]

Thanks sweet funny I was going to say same to you about saying something if you need to, the last thing I swear I don't want to hurt you when I say I don't want to hurt anyone I should add thats if they're good people, others they don't care. Attitude yes but why should I. I'm not nasty spiteful vindictive I'm a bloody saint 👼😃 but I fight hard if I have too rarely not in self defense, I'm talking verbally

So especially you have a lovely way of saying things please do say because I'd rather talk than argue any day and it's dangerous holding things in. I have said to people I do think you love me too and Sez is right about dependency, I don't mind others on me but it can be a drain on someone else so I'll keep it in mind for your sake, would you like me to back off hun. We can still muck around and I'll still be there for you but I know I can be full on with people, its harmless its just love coming out but thats one of SO many things I'm trying to change 😭 😩

During heaviest of grieving I was so alone lost BP doing its absolute best slamming yet friends stuck with me for mths still are but visiting taking me out etc heaps of people did I'll never forget when mostly they dwindle within 2/3ish mths but alone hurting wicked hard learning still am suddenly to live by myself someone that loves you has your back confidant everythings gone (yes lucky) I latched onto one I told you I really love still do and her me and she nicely and know she had to, told me, crushed but when I saw her next I said "it had to be said" and we talked more and good hurt like hell.

I cant do that to anyone else we had a lovely bloke suddenly who came over hrs on end daily eventually I said nicely, it didnt matter how much I assured him we really did like him it put out his fire, can't do that to anyone again so we tolerated similar scene with friend but he let a lot of rot out on me too messy divorce sigh saw him other day hes moved

Long way round just saying bits

You I'll NEVER tire off I really LOVE and appreciate your companionship loyalty kindness care compassion not allowed to say these things 😉 humor (wicked) sweet lovable fun want me to 🚫 ok lol I'd hate you to go. But I have the time and take up a lot of yours so yes it'd hurt but Id understand and appreciate the respect in honesty

You've been and arevso goodbto me Grandy others here too but we click 💗🎁and I jump Jill in the box 😚⚘

[Sapphire_]

Heya Deebi.

Just popping in quickly to say Hi. Hoping you have a good evening. I want to send you some fairy dust to help your arm get better ☄

❤Sapphire