Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Dearest Deebi,

Please believe me..I will never leave you..Deebi, I was so worried, scared that you were going to go away, like everyone else good in my life does..Gosh Deebi, I was afraid that I was talking to you to much and using to much of your time up..Deebi, honey, seriously 6 days I'm home alone, no one but here to talk to, I look forward everyday for you company, you are my lifeline..I wish you could see that..

Geez honey, I'm 😭 a lot lately, I love your personality, I need you, I'm scared Deebi, I mean really so..I haven't met anyone like you before, I love and enjoy my time with you, I don't ever want to hurt you, when I did. ,well I hurt to much to be here, I said ages ago, I trust, respect, love, care,need you. I mean it..Deebi. I don't want you go..

I will try hard to be kind to myself, if you will stay with me..I promise..I Will try harder...please don't back off, I'm sorry I'm feeling so insecure and scared now for couple of days ..constant crying.. not sure if this Month, but doing it so hard. But okay as well because, your here, you talk to me, make me feel safe.

Deebi, my minds not good today, but I can't get it across to you that I enjoy my time with you so much...I could spend hours with you and very happy, have done sat with you all night, so happytalking, helping, mucking around with you, .my life is you I have no one else I love..

To many tears now,, I'm sorry..is it okay if I come back tonight. If not I understand, but need you Deebi in my life..

[demonblaster]

Hellooo sweet Sapphire how lovely of you to drop in I meant to say was scanning back and worried I didnt thank you for coming by think I might have but incorporated it in other reply if not meant to 😊

Oh how cute ...sprinkle sprinkle...😨..struth...it works....🏋️‍♀️ ...damn but she's good ...now we know who to visit..🤗💗⚘

Thanks hope yours is better to lovey and cause I'm good like that here's some peaceful sleepy dust ...☄make sure you're ready for bed, this stuff woah its potent xx

[demonblaster]

I 🐘 Grandy 🤗

I adore you and LOVE seeing posts from you it's so nice our friendship it's Gold

Sweety yeah it hurt but you were right in what you were saying but I think I am to but if it distresses you I have to back off (compliments) hard cause thats what I do tell people their goods I've said why so wont bore with repeats 😴

Darling I guess that scares you cause being impulsive its easier to walk away, another of my million changes is two more things trying to think first I did but still had my hissy and was going to go for a while...YOU and Mandy bought me back you have before

And to not stand an argue I'm starting to realise not everything needs to be said honestly Grandy this beeping head but we all feel that way aye and we call ourselves intelligent even good people hurt others not saying you I've hurt you too but what makes us good is we care & not intentional. Bads don't care

Hoping soon to clear a couple of things up that are confusing me I have reasons for slight doubt but I do just to contradict myself believe you HA hows that for a 🙃 head

I do know for sure Grandy I do love you though. So your turn for honesty ok this isnt a hard one. Do yo want me not to compliment you? I think you said you might question (well put thanks thats what I need you're teaching me a lot thankyee) and ditto I'm a strong believer in communication u may need to remind me sometime

H

Dah bloody tablet all I have to do is take it to the shop its under warranty but ohhhh noooo that'd be getting something done. Have to fluff around something silly when goes into brat attack

Hate you being so down darlin🤗 not a life crying so much and continually hurting is it sweet

It sounds like this month having so many reminders is causing more pain.Youd be seeing psych soon in about wk an half I think

I think I know a fair bit of your pffttt life my god what blows me away is beautiful people like you remain that way I'll continue till you say stop you said it wasnt me but mmm

Rang again the person sounds genuine enough but more lies I think anyway so wasnt rude it was amicable thing is someone very close to me encouraged the call but I'm not interested because it's not sounding right could have been a risk but I trust the person in that regard and they didnt lie about that anyway

Tbh I'm also trying to not commit to things then let people down I love you and here and don't plan leaving permanently but don't know whats ahead

You 🦄

Please do stay over love it 🤗😚

[startingnew]

hey DB, GG and everyone here

enjoy your sleepovers xoxo

heading to bed myself now, goodnight all

[Ggrand]

Good Night Deebi🦄.

I just came to wish you goodnight and hope you sleep peacefully. You haven't said much about your arm?

Im going to sleep as well, exhaustion has taken my body, but not my mind. My mind is chatty 🐒Like a money, oop...ooop...ooop..it doesn't stop, Oh Deebi, wouldn't it be wonderful 🙃 If we could .sit down on the beach with a Kahula or Tia Maria.. looking 👀 at the 🦅 🐦 listening to the 🌊 waves 🌊 breaking on the sand just in front of us....Patience Deebi, 😉 😊 gentle I lay you down under the 🌴...then I join you, the sun warming our skin, ahh awe honey ,..I'm dropping of as well I think..lol...Patience Deebi,..any minute you'll feel it.....but please have patience with me... Your eyes get heavy feels good 😊 the birds 🎶 singing, the waves crashing, the distant humm of an aeroplane ✈️ overhead, all are fading into the distance as you slowly fall asleep, ..You are floating on the 💦 water, up n down, side to side, up n down, just drifting on top of the water, ever so slowly moving towards your destination of tonight's magic..drifting towards a teeny weeny waterfall 🚿 you feel the waterfall flowing through your hair, massaging your head with the perfect water 💦 pressure, down your body, oh so relaxed you are now, the tension, stress, pain? ,anxiety is leaving your body, your feeling lighter by the minute...still eyes 👀 closed floating on the water 💦 .or....no....it can't be, your so relaxed that your floating on clouds ☁️ Heavenly soft, fluffy, cosy, pure white clouds ☁️ this feeling of peace goes deep into your soul, your eyes are still closed your breathing is natural, deeper you relax, deeper you sleep,, the deeper your peace will be...lol...your smiling 😊 Your asleep dreaming happiness and good memories these dreams will awaken inside you in the morning sunlight..shhhh💤💤💤 I'll let you sleep now..

A gentle reminder 🐘 That I ❤️ You and 🤗 For you alway, forever.

L...Love is a treasured and special gift.

O...Offered to the lady named Deebi,

V....Very closely held in my soul, given from my heart.

E...Everlasting gift to the lady named Deebi.

❤️❤️❤️🦄🤗🤗🤗🐘..

👩‍❤️‍👩Grandy👼.

Goodnight honey...see you tomorrow. Sleep peacefully and soundly..xx

[demonblaster]

Hey Shelly 😊

How lovely to see you and sweet saying not to worry about replying but never intentionally do that and meant to come back before but here now ☺

Nice knowing friends are having a squiz I don't think many do I write too much think it'd put a few off but I'll do this phonetically say la vee

Thanks nice you saying I enjoy going to your place you're a great host, lovely and enjoy reading your walks

I've not done all the hills much lately but modt days 4 but the arm tiredness I'll justbtry and think of another excuse..🗯..🤔..mmm nothing up there lol

Beautiful your compassion BP no picnic and I've had my share of mutts but compared to what some people go through wow so wrong isn't it. Thank god for great places like here

Arms settling tho bit sore not sleeping yet so waiting for pill to kick in

Hope you're doing ok lovey

Thanks again for dropping by

☘

[demonblaster]

Sweet SLD so sorry darl I thought few times to answer and kept forgetting oops but thumbed it.

Thanks for drop in and your sweety msg today I vaguely remember mentioning chest pain but think not sure might have been talking about if the syrinx CSF gets worse the pain would be in chest. Hearts still beating to the groove so all good thanks for concern tho think might've had something in that area too. Nothing if I did since

You're doing it hard girl but light will come was just thinking in bed you keep going and marching through you'reva tough little cooky

Proud of you

Glad you got bit of sleep last night too

🤗 cause its rough 🦋 annnd 🐧 night darling 😚

[demonblaster]

OMG what 🌟 sent you to me ohhh 😆 from 👂to 👂

Was funny was just smiling mind you these captivate me and the smile doesn't leave and I read your smiling 🤤 You've got a gift lady ..psychic too evidentally

Honey (thankyou btw I always notice and love it 😚) no way hozayyy NEVER leaving your thread I swear while I'm here.I have left some only if they're not talking to me but watch for a while. No you're stuck with me darls sorry meant to say beforebbut was babbling

Meant today to try and copy again could be tablet gremlins cause I've copied other stuff

yeah the mind chatters aye how fast in type 1 woesa and ya can keep up! with it how I have nooo idea incredible to experience. Type 2 its more like a light turned on I find it won't shut up mind you the exhaustions still rough but not quite hitting the wall then it'd push furthur till I was beyond bedraggled

Hey what's that on your pillow ✉

Grandys her name 👼

Fantasy's her fame 🦄

She gives so much pleasure 😀

Because shes such a treasure 💰

She's an absolute pet 🐇

My besty on the net 🐥

My love for her runs deep ⚘

And that I plan to keep 💗

🤗 beautiful healing sleep Grandy lady

Nigh night ❇🌈💑

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,🦄..

Awe wow, Deebi, I love that poem,😍 it's so beautiful a perfect gift to rewrite and hang in my bedroom, ❤️. Honestly thank you very much...means so much to me...🤗🤗❤️.

Your up late, your post just came through its omg 3.11am.. I would love a loong sleep..maybe psych see my dark rings around eyes and give me sleepers this time..

Deebi said....."So your turn for honesty ok this isn't a hard one ok. Do you want me to compliment you"? Deebi, ,...ok to say what you want..but I might question what you say at times?....Is that ok?....I'm scared I'll slip up......then what?

Loved it when you said I'm stuck with you,and never leave my thread..means ❤️🤗X100000000000times..loving that..same goes for me.. I think I saiid before,,but will say again. Your also stuck with me....❤️😁

Okay I try to sleep now, I really sat up tonight so I can sleep tomorrow away...but not working just not tired, could do something now.. I feel like I've slept 12 hours, but no sleep..good to go outside to watch Stars and sunrise soon..

Better go now Deebi gonna make a cuppa tea now..

💜💜💜🦄🤗🤗🤗🐘 my favourite colour 💜💜💜Purple..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy👼..

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Deebi 🦄..

Im just popping in to say good morning and sending you some special, wish I was there hugs {{{👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🐘🦄👼😍}}}. I hope your Dr 👩‍⚕️visit goes good and I'm so much praying dr can help you out with better pain relief....

Sending love and care with you today and always,,

💜💜💜🦄🤗🤗🤗🐘. My special friend, I'm holding your hand, sitting with you at Drs today... Good Luck, hun.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy👼