Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Pepstar I often think full stop like thinking not the down rot. Amongst other things you've said about saying thank you gist it eventually sounds hollow but you mean it Ditto Perpetual Thank you🤗

Tbh I'm scared to go back to bed cause of another flare up of that particular pain 😨but I will soonish absolutely wiped out

Walked in dark to shops but stopped to buy a durry of a bloke (workman) talked to a couple for a while cause I was safe with them had chat with 7 people all up 3 were strangers Oh and 2 smiles and Hi, this is what I love, live in Paradise people are happy cruisy relaxed so its not only asthetically magic its the people. Lived untold places in Sydney and this way. Here tops by far. Birdies full on chat chat popping off for their day just magic

Pills working for majority of pain though that sodding area still niggling but usual arm hurt and been spreading to hand on walk. My concern is its not going to get better and need the op but only if I cant go without meds. Heard couple times from RN's (registered nurse 3/4 yr training) you won't get hooked if its for genuine pain, mmm excuse pun but hard pill to swallow must check with doc fri but still holding off when I can. Mind you often they don't help but did for this wicked one thank god. So weird its easing but worsening, bit Irish

Thanks for that reply and very sweet that was really nice Peps 😚 how I talk is ya gunna bla bla but I wanna ☺ speak more maturely here and major frustration all life is getting thoughts across, I know what I want to say but arghh lol sometimes I nearly see peoples eyes boggling late love was so patient as people are mainly and on top very easily distracted, and poor concentration. Moreso in BP do have few lucid times. It's ok I get there but frustrating maybe moreso here as in on paper cause I'm clearly not succeeding yet lol trying too talk less. I do listen though. Like connecting with people

I usually answer a post when lets say you've spoken on yours but I feel I'm not supporting you enough and really dont like just taking. If I post on yours it I think obliges you to reply so I could ask here if you don't mind? Until like today I'll see you at yours.

What about a general chat thread and you could do climate change or chat in yours

Tablet now doesnt hurt unless its hurting anyway but PC hurts it all

Back atcha babe love and SS (super souls ha cool 😚🤗 Hope you find peace Peps you're a beautiful soul

[demonblaster]

Mandy sweetheart you're also precious. Thank you so much if I stayed in this chair its hurting but hacking mind you the slow release is still in me. Damn this whole deal theres two things both serious the 2 neck discs ruptured causing bulging discs pushing on nerve and secondary to that the Syrinx is like a tube and the CSF is in that,dangerous if it spreads can become parallised there down so would be just below neck down 😨 thats behaving I think this if I have op 3 things the pain spesh said us very diceyvso close to nerve is potential death parallysis or stroke amongst others again 😨

Grandy my darling one of my besties 🤗 I loved you been harsh cause you care so much, oh if you knew how much you mean to me I swear you Peps and Starts I aim to help yous believe in yourselves.

Geez 👀 falling out again, see they're on the page.

I'm not but am ok hun, I survived the first (worst) and 2nd bout without hospital but I tell ya saw Doc several times in short period. There's frig all atm apart from op that can be done. There's few friends aroundbhere and close by but I wouldn't ask would get ambo they might give me a needle but same as pills maybe quickervacting and stronger amounts. Ive asked for stronger but these (everyone knows the name) cause breathing to slow if I go stronger and have sleep apnoea no machinen so risky

Thank you sweetums really mean it.

Oh can we also add to my next fantasy ride tinsy winsy little coloured flowers in the ground the vibrant pinks and also yellow they look like orchids and both different types are weeds

Ok breaky pills (normal ones) oh god ...bed

I can't tell you all how much your support means, this and MH stuff.

Peps yes I've heard physical affects MH I imagine cause we're weaker through sleep deprivation and of course you nearly lose your marbles in deep pain, I should be right haven't got many and they're wobbly anyway

You ok today precious? Just reiterating hun if I'm struggling it doesn't mean I don't want to be for you or others 🤗

😂 the 🚜

👼you

🐤cute

🐧this too

🐘 loven it

U ROCK!!

Love you biggly 💓🦄

Nigh night not liking chances even in chair

[Ggrand]

Dear Deebi,

Thank you for your post.. I'm still here today I'm not going anywhere, .I hope you can sleep. anytime Deebi, talk let it out..Makes me so really sad you pain.. sitting with you constantly today/night, ❤️🦄🤗 always in my heart ❤️.

Tremendous ❤️❤️❤️🦄🤗🤗🤗..🐘..

👩‍❤️‍👩 Grandy 👶

[Ggrand]

Dearest Deebi, The tinsy winsy little vibrant pinks and yellows in the ground, with water..Okay hun.

maybe tonight we go on a fantasy ride, howevervyou have to be a good girl today..so we'll see what tonight brings..

bbl xx

Grandy.

[demonblaster]

Cooool and don't forget glitter too plz annnnd couple dead trees that have some Black on them from back burning ohhh yeah and loving feet and head in water going through my hair oh and head massage ...

I'm 😃 ear to ear. Looking forward to it and yeah loven you saying be a good girl geez now I'm sounding like a pathetic..you really do make me feel secure sweet 😚

💓 you

Cause

You're pure 🦄

⚘

🐧 cute like you

👼

💑

Phew just bit of arm moreso so going back 🛏 at 🕜

[Ggrand]

❤️+🤗+🦄+👶+👩‍❤️‍👩+🐘= L&C always. Remember..

Nite nite.xx

[demonblaster]

I love our friendship tell lot of people bout you and the amazing beauties here and how good it is. Blows me away here

Yeah cool doing the +

Hey found outband hacked off the money from banks funeral insurance I pay also one for part towards MIL funeral so latervwill reduce my cover.

Gotta sort ph next and that if no satisfaction will be 4th call going ombudsman, I've got good grounds

Oops it's 🕒 now choofing 🛏 in minutes

At least good MH atm Grandy, looks like thank god itvwas a baby mania, pain meds tired bought it on I guess but tricky cause ongoing and people stimuation coming up so as long as I can keep on top of 😴 cause later soonish got party going away for few days including beautiful MIL stay love her biggly Grandy you'd love her and vice versa

Always a pleasure seeing you ..thanks hun

💑 💖

[demonblaster]

Nah shame sleep didnt happen but plan Stan to leave here earlier tricky but doable with OCD

Curse this! was getting migraine family head (had some full blown but usually not) its still trying and rather than sleepy pill often taking pillow away laying flat gets rid of it so did and rare occasion these days had minimal arm pain but knew it was risky got rid temporarily of head but stirred arm.

Righto what I need help with please if anyone can is finding a new head. Ok seriously

1. Thought-then tension in chest ?adrenalin, feels like or ?Chemical/hormone? How to not follow through with impulse anger fear trepidation anxious all walls. (rarely let out on people try really hard not to but have hate myself for it) been thinking a lot on this when brains in gear. I guess the next thought for now at least to make it constructive rather than destructive. S.T.O.P I need to copy that and memorise aye. This is more so in BP and tiredness still feel othertimes but can handle better
2. Sensitive- biggest down kills self esteem. I think liking ourselves approx 65ish % there 20% in BP downs.
3. Grammer-learning here slow learner mostly
4. Getting to point- proof reading redoing 500 times. Poor concentration mostly
5. Expressing from head to paper, talking face on often takes a while but easier
6. Walls-why! Urgh what stops us wanting to be happy and improve. Read couple comments atm cant remember but will. Is it habit
7. Thesaurus/dictionary is there basic layman talk ones. Got dictionary but usually google which often's more suited for people that know other words too
8. Forgetting pain. I'm getting better over yrs of realising junk thought and not allowing next thought atraching emotion
9. Scenarios of arguments with people also major improves is that anxiety

• C-PTSD It's been touched on that I might have this tho I know little about it I don't think so but don't know. Any ideas welcome
• Anxiety-definately in episodes up and down, not sure about between times ?

Over time I've worked on being less argumentative but if I don't agree also working on weighing up is it needed to discuss I much prefer to talk not argue to learn or/and too stubborn yes but need to keep at something til I understand then back down immediately apologise if needed etc I usually speak up. Often same thing said differently clicks. Maybe Tony WK re listening more needed.

Best to work on 1 at a time so sensitive and tension biggest walls. Didnt prioritise

Many thanks ⚘

[demonblaster]

BP ?day 3

IF still unsure cause the only times I dont sleep esp this tired are in BP (Bipolar)

Might have heard this but I think in SI (suicide ideations or intent?) There's 3 levels

1. Thinking
2. Contemplating
3. Attempting. No lower

There's different levels of depression too imo. We know there's mild moderate and deep

4 attempts, seconds from 5th. 95% ish have always been extreme deep (BP) without intent but thoughts at times & contemplates Previous 3 episodes have been very deep but not as bad cause I have 90% resolve now not to go that way. Not sure if I can say here why the 10% reason.

I like thinking and thats how we work things out. I need the mania its the tools for success its what people that succeed have going on maybe in a controlled way no idea but I assure you what goes on if controlled is a force. Explained previous BP posts.

Mammoth to control but achievable with time. The hardest part is no one alive doesnt want this FACT the ultimate in happiness peace also previous posts. When I master the beast I'll with luck if I don't burn out first be an able functioning person as in clearer mind walls down and able to learn and do more efficiently and do a precuse articulate whatever lol on BP they cover the basics what I've researched theres more to it but that could be down to personality traits too.

Spoke to a man today, I feel for these people only have the depression it's deep with BP

Going to suss here more some time in BP thread and individually but his recovery and Grandy here too is a few days. Mine takes up to a mth depression and exhaustion (not full like use to be in type 1)

The head in deep eventually stops I think that's when exhaustion hits and sleep starts again. Took mine a while recently to start thinking again and that was mania firing up.

Cant risk another mania yet,teetering on atm but going to be aware if thinking mostly happens in mania.

Thanks for 👂

[Guest8901]

Deebs, gosh thats quite a list! Cant help with most of those dot points. But I will pick up on the C-PTSD one, as its something I've personally been doing lots of research on since yesterday. I found quite a helpful website which sets everything out very clearly. Its the best site I've found so far. You may like to have a look. It describes everything very well in a way I understand. Google: Out of the Fog - Complex PTSD. There is quite a lot there, but to give you a brief intro, see below. Hope it helps. Of course I warn against self diagnosis, and its definitely something I'd suggest you discuss with your MH professional.

Complex PTSD is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape. Eg: domestic or sexual abuse; childhood abuse; entrapment, kidnapping; repeated violations of personal boundaries; long-term care of chronically sick family members; long term exposure to crisis conditions.

When people are trapped in a situation which they have no control they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. C-PTSD sufferers often suppress their emotional reactions to traumatic events. This suppression of "emotional baggage" can continue for a long time until a "last straw" event occurs, or a safer emotional environment emerges, and the dam then breaks.

The "Complex" in Complex Post Traumatic Disorder describes how many layers of trauma can interact with one another. Those suffering from C-PTSD may experience feelings from each of their traumatic exposures, even while trying to address the most recent traumatic event. This is what differentiates C-PTSD from the classic PTSD diagnosis - which typically describes an emotional response to a single traumatic event.

Although similar, C-PTSD differs slightly from the condition of PTSD, in causes and symptoms. C-PTSD results more from chronic repetitive stress from which there is little chance of escape, where as PTSD results from single events, or short term exposure to extreme stress or trauma. Eg: a soldier returning from intense battle is likely to show PTSD symptoms, but a kidnapped prisoner of war who was held for several years may show the additional symptoms of C-PTSD.

Deebs, I dont know all your background, but does this sound like it could be you? Check the site, there is a lot more there. I hope this helps. Hugs to you. Rest!

Mandy