Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Doolhof]

Hi Donna,

Thank you for sharing your story. I have not walked in your shoes and can not relate to the things you, July and Anne mention here regarding having a loved one in jail.

It is wonderful you have all managed to connect here so you can support each other, listen, understand and comprehend how you are all feeling.

Congratulations on having such a supportive husband, that must certainly make your life so much easier. I hope you both thoroughly enjoy your second honeymoon together.

This court case will no doubt be a very difficult experience to go through, apart from your husband, do you have other support people in your life? Do you have a back up plan in case everything becomes too much for you?

Just a thought on not forgiving your family for not being there for your brother, please be careful that unforgiveness does not turn to bitterness. Sometimes we can hurt so much from what others have done that the unforgiveness festers inside of us and causes so many problems.

Like I mentioned, I have not walked in your shoes, but I do know what hate, anger, unforgiveness and regret can feel like. It is a very heavy burden to carry around with you.

Wishing your brother well and I hope the truth comes out.

From Lauren

[July]

Hi Donna,

Just got back from my counselling , a few more tears, and few more regrets, a trip down that painful lane ,so hard some days, but I must continue to move forward.

Work return is another issue, only my clinical nurse manager knows of my family issues and I only told her cause I broke down in her office and blurted it out, she seemed empathic and said its hard enough working in an emergency dept, let alone having major issues at home, that is why she allowed me time off, its been nearly three months and I don't really know if I am ready to face it again, to be honest.

I wouldn't tell anyone else at work, as I have seen first hand the judgement and comments people (staff) make ,so I wouldn't divulge any information about my personal life.

I can relate to the "happy face" you put on during a visit yes....the whole  fiasco  is just a nightmare, trying to show them a glimpse of normality , a brief view of the outside world, something for them to hold on to.

I hope you're ok after the car accident, the stress of the situation throws your world into a tailspin and its hard to balance it all, I find I'm ok then something will remind  me and then I realise no .....I've still got to deal with this,I have no choice.

We will get through this, day by day and stand tall with our loved ones, we are all they have, and we are all they need, with love, guidance and patience.

Take care of yourself 

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Donna

Sorry I haven't been around have been laid up with a bad back.

I did read that Peter was your brother, I get mixed up and forget, the PTSD rearing it's ugly head again.  Mine is from years of abuse not work related.

I was down as my sons next of kin and had the same thoughts as you, as long as the cops stay away he is ok. Last I heard he was living with a women so this time around I would say she has been put down as next of kin as I have had not contact from the police or any other department.  When he breached parole and was picked up last time the prison sent me his phone so that is how I knew he was locked up.

My son also has a history with the police, I saw my old police friend and she is looking up things for me, haven't seen her to enquire but I will. 

I don't know what sort of sentence my son is facing it all depends on how much he was caught with.  He gets by in prison, last time he worked in the kitchen and cooked mainly the sweets and cakes.  He made some special ones for when the Prison Warden entertained and he would describe what he had done and how he decorated them.  He made lamingtons for Australia Day once and boy was he a hit with the other guys. He did a module or two of a tafe chefs course and I always thought he would pursue this when he got out but unfortunately he didn't. He has always loved cooking and I really tried hard to help him in this field but you can only bring a horse to water, you can't make it drink.

We are both in the same boat now, I am waiting for my son's court hearing to see how long he will be in prison, feel constantly on edge, I know it has set back my depression to which is unfortunate as I thought I was getting somewhere.

I'm glad you are in touch with Peter's lawyer, at least that gives you a bit of knowledge.

Hang in there.

Anne

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

Sorry I haven't been around but my back decided it was going to throw in the towel so I have done very little.

Unfortunately we can't make decisions for our children as much as we wish they would listen to us they are adults and will make their own choices no matter what we say. 

I know you are worried about returning to work and the questions your work mates might put to you but do you have to answer them.  You can just say you had to attend to private family matters, or you were unwell and needed time off.  They don't need to know your business. I belong to a diet group and go religiously every week, this year I have changed it to fortnightly as I am seeing the psychologist fortnightly.  After years of being their every week I thought I would be bombarded with questions as to why I wasn't there every week but I haven't.  I have told very few why I am only there fortnightly and those that have asked I have said I have an appointment and that has been that.  It is up to you who you disclose the real truth to.

I'm like you, I don't like being the centre of attention either and thought I would be but that has not been the case.

I spoke to my little brother this morning, mum had an op yesterday, and I ended up in tears talking about my son.  The sorrow seems to be never ending, I thought I would get use to knowing my sons charges and it wouldn't get to me but it does. His charges are something I have kept very close to my chest, only three friends know and now my brother.  I didn't tell mum as I didn't want to worry her before her op.  My other brothers, I haven't told them yet.

I still feel some shame I suppose, he is my son, but I didn't make his decisions for him, it still hurts though.

Hope you are going ok.

Hugs

Anne

[July]

Hi Anne,

Sorry to hear about your back , that can be so painful and we don't realise how much we rely on a good back until we hurt it, I have back problems to....I'm no spring chicken anymore and I feel this whole experience with my son has aged me.

Even my counsellor said she is not sure if I am ready to go back to work, as I get very teary thinking about facing it all again, but I have about  6 weeks left, so lets hope a miracle happens and I get the strength to juggle my many commitments.

Its such a long and winding road ..this prison journey and I know this constant stress is not good for me and me being such an emotional person anyway I find it hard to let go, maybe going back to work will be a distraction....lets hope.

Yes, I can also feel the shame and stigma surrounding the incarceration of my son. It's something you can't get away from, at least here with you and donna I can talk openly and feel supported and understood, which is a blessing.

I am seeing my son on Sunday for a visit, so that will be nice, but the whole process of going into the prison is not nice, so I will just put on my "happy" face and carry on, like my world is normal ....I wish it was.

My counsellor said to me yesterday, "your son is very lucky to have a wonderful caring mum like you", who is standing by him and supporting him, I just think I am his "mum" and I love him and right now during this time, I need to put his needs as a priority to help him sought out his life...cause I "gave" him that life and that was my choice not his.

Take care

July

[A_Tech]

Hi Lauren,

Thanks for the response, I do honestly appreciate any advice and insight into anything that anyone feels they can relate too, or just general advice.

As for support, yes my husband is truly amazing! I still can't believe that I found him so early in my life, I am truly a very lucky lady!!! Our son has also been fantastic, but obviously at 18, we're very much aware of how involved we let him become. I want him to have a normal 18yr old life, Uni, work, friends, not all of this. He is still very close to my brother so it's been very hard on him too. We talk about things whenever my son wants too and he comes to visit whenever he wants too.

Other support, my dad and my best friend.

This is a complicated story in itself though. Our dad was never really there emotionally for any of us after our sister passed away nearly 30 yrs ago, he never got over that. Maybe facing the prospect of losing another child is what changed him now? Whatever the reason, both Peter and I are so happy to finally have our dad in our lives as a real dad. From the moment Peter was arrested (dad found out first) he's been this amazing rock that I never thought he was ever capable of. 

Peter is so happy with this, he finally seems content, which makes me so sad. We talk a lot about it, that if all of this had not of happened, we probably still would have the other version of dad. It truely devastates me sometimes, that my little brother is about to go on trial for murder, but for the first time in his life he actually seems at peace with himself..........

Best friend, we've known each other for 24 yrs, she first met Peter when he was 13. When I told her what had happened, she was the last person that I expected to avoid me. We eventually got it together, it never occurred to me that she looked at him as a little brother as well, as was also struggling to deal with it all.

All is good now though, apart from the fact she lives in the country (about 6-8hr drive away) but we talk almost every day, same with dad. 

I have also recently reached out to my older brother. I thought he abandoned and walked away, but he was just struggling too. He talk now often, he's asking more and more about Peter, but still won't see him. I know he loves him but it's too painful I guess?

As for bitterness, well that is well and truly set in with regards my mother! For her this is just an inconvenience, not grief like you or I would feel. I can't forgive that.

Thank you for caring xxxx

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July and Donna,

How are you both doing?

It is my sons birthday in a couple of weeks, painful, I will send him a card and write a letter just letting him know I am still around.  I will then wait (I'm sure on tender hooks) for a reply but most likely will not get one.

I am thinking of you both and pop in here frequently to see if either of you have responded.

Chins up ladies

Anne

[July]

Hi anne,

It is my sons 33rd birthday today, a mixture of sadness cause he is in prison and happiness because he is my son and he has come a long way in the last 17 months and hopefully with a much brighter future ahead of him.

What a happy day it was, to hold my first born in my arms and have all these hopes and dreams for him, me at just 20 a mother of this precious beautiful little boy, and when I look at him some days now  I still see that little boy looking back at me, wanting and needing his mum to nurture,  love and protect him ,I have just one hour to give him that ,during a visit to the prison.

Its so hard to turn around and leave him there sometimes, scared of what he really faces in there and what he doesn't tell me ,as a mother it is so painful, but I try not to cry as I don't want him to be sad ,I just saw him on Sunday and the distraction  of a conversation only goes  so long and you look around and realise I am sitting in a prison to, people have no idea what this  does to you.

I'm happy you are sending a card to your son and writing to him, even if he doesn't answer for now.....believe me it will mean so much to him, contact to the outside world is a life saver in there.

He will know he has a place in your heart thats only for him, a mothers love cannot be replaced by anything , he may not be responding  yet but give him time and space, he will find his own way eventually.

It has taken this whole experience with my son to really bring us together and we have been to hell and back and at the end of the day he is more than worth it.

I hope you are doing well , you are in my thoughts, I to keep a look out for our comforting posts back and forth.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

It's my sons 35 birthday in a couple of weeks, boy was it hard to find a card that I could sent to him.  I found one with a pug dog on it, hopefully he will get a smile out of it.

'All the hopes and dreams', I think that is where a lot of my sadness comes from, I grief for the son I have lost, he hasn't amounted to anything and he has so much protential.  With his nature he could have been a Social Worker of some kind but that will never happen now.  Then again you don't know what the future holds do you, he is still young enough if he doesn't get to long on his second sentencing. I too would see that little boy looking back at me and needing his mum when I went to visit him but I fear that is lost now. He is different.

I wouldln't let P see me cry either but i would always fall to pieces when I left the prison.  I could never go on my own, it was too much for me so someone always accompanied me and would stay outside or go for coffee in the local town.

I want him to know he will always have a place in my heart no matter what he has done.  You can not turn on and off your love for your children, that is impossible.

My heart breaks for him and me, I don't know where he is going to end up or if he is ever going to led a normal life.  I to fear what goes on insde the prison, he would never tell me bad stuff only the funny side of things.  He did get into a fight, that he had to tell me as he had a black eye, couldln't hide that but agian it was the other persons fault not his.

Only time will tell.

Sending hugs

Anne

[July]

Hi anne,

So nice to see your replies, it almost makes me cry when I read them, just to know you truly understand what this situation is all about ,its in a way a relief.

My son also has no trade or qualifications as such , the drugs have robbed him of opportunities he could have had, and time has passed by in a hazy blur for him, but not for me, at times I feel time has stood still.

So true you cannot turn your love off and on, no matter what and if people think because they are in prison you should abandon them, then let them walk in our shoes everyday and endure the heartbreak and pain of going through this .

Strange isn't it ,the smallest thing like sending a card to them is a big deal, trying to find the right words or saying, I know that only to well, I got a card sent back to me from the prison because it had a small amount of "glitter" on the front, what they would use that for is beyond me, but it was returned.

I always visit with my younger daughter (she's 25) so we can support each other and talk on the way there and home.

My son also tells us some  funny things that happen maybe to shield us from the bad stuff he sees or just to keep things upbeat , I don't know , either way its a very stressful environment to be in for him and us.

I think being their mum, you do have fears for their future and you don't want them to waste any more of their life, I know my son wants to have children and I pray one day that comes true for him, he will be a great dad as he knows what its like not to have a supportive and caring father in his life .

Despite it all , he is a good person and with his rehab and counselling I have high hopes for his recovery once released, time will tell though and I have to keep encouraging him and supporting him, thats all I can do.

Sometimes I feel I can't really get on with my life, as I have this hanging over me like a black cloud ready to burst and its constantly on my mind , and when he's released the hard work starts all over again.

When I think back to having small children and a very busy home, you think "I can't wait for them to grow up",  now I crave those days when I knew he was safe and secure and I could always protect him, but in my heart he is still my precious little boy........ always.

Take care

July