Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Doolhof]

Dear Anne, Donna and July,

Once again I don't know what to write in response to the stories you share with each other about your loved ones.

Just wanted to let you know that I care for how you are all feeling and how your loved ones are as well.

Birthdays and anniversaries can be hard, sad and difficult times for anyone in a relationship with someone, they must be harder still when you have a loved on in jail or worse still someone who has died.

Dear ladies, I am so very pleased we have this wonderful forum where you can all help and understand each other.

Once again my heart goes out to you all.

Sorry to read about your back Anne. Hope you are soon feeling better.

Kind thoughts, from Lauren

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Lauren

Thank you for your kind words, it helps to know others are with us and are keeping us in there thoughts.

Hugs

Anne

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

It is heart warming to know of others that understand our heart break and pain.

My son did try to get a trade at 17, he started an apprentice butcher course but after two weeks he had a work related accident, possibly high at the time, and that ended his career.  He hurt his hand and even thought now he has 99% movement back, it put a halt to his career. He went on to be a security guard and did really well at this until the drugs took over then he slid even lower until he was unemployable.  No job and a drug addiction, not a good combination.

You are so right about people thinking you should abandon your child if he is in prison, all his friends did.  My family try not to judge, as a couple of years ago P did come to a family Christmas with my brothers, their partners and mum, he was accepted and they were happy to see him. I'm hoping  it will always be that way.

About cards, it was explained to me, glitter, sparkles, raised stickers or even plain stickers can have been soaked in drugs, in fact anything that can be taken off the card.  Children's paintings and drawings aren't allowed in either for the same reason.  To us that seems far fetched but that is security and I suppose they wouldn't have those policies in place unless others had done this before.

My son would be a great dad to, he gets on well with children, he use to babysit friends children when he was a teenager,  without drugs he is a warm, gentle and caring person. He has always wanted children and they naturally bond to him.

This cloud, I can identify with it, others don't understand that you can not stop thinking about it.  My shrink and psychologist both want me to take a small part of the day to think of my son then forget him until the next day, sorry can't do that.

The depression is the same, it is the cloud that sits on my shoulders and I can't shake it off, some days I manage with it sitting there and others like today it takes over and I don't manage very well.

I want this bad dream with my son to end and end on a happy note, as yet I can't see that.

Yes I wanted my kids to grow up but not like this, it hurts to much.

Thinking of you

Lots of warm comfy hugs

Anne

[July]

Hi Lauren,

Thanks for your words, it does so help to off load here, as I for one have no one in my 'real life' to talk to about it besides my two daughters and my counsellor, which puts me under enormous strain at times.

It is kind people like you who make our world seem a little brighter and hopeful, I have read many of your posts to others and you seem such a wonderful loving person.... giving to others despite your own situation, you are a credit to yourself and its a pity there are not more people like you in this world.

So thank you, and you have made my heart a little happier.

Take care

July 

[July]

Hi Anne,

We are birds of a feather, so alike in our feelings, thoughts and emotions, two mothers trying to save our sons......and ourselves.

I don't know what work my son will do when he gets out with such an unstable work history and a criminal conviction, the odds are stacked against him , he lost his licence for years before ,he kept driving without a licence and kept getting caught, he had massive fines which accumulated  but now he has his drivers licence reinstated since being in prison so thats one good thing. I just hope he finds work to keep him busy and build up his self esteem again.

He is going to have to face the world out here, like the rest of us clean and sober  and make a life for himself , I wish I could do it for him.......but I can't .

Depression is like a dark rain cloud, its hanging over you, could burst at any time, you know its there and some days you can  look up and other days its pours down on you, but we know we will dry off again and hopefully one day it will turn into a fluffy white cloud, thats my interpretation of it anyway.

My older daughter takes my two grandaughter's (ages 3 and 1 ) into visit my son (their uncle) he had never met them until he went to prison because of his drug use and erratic behaviour, they love him and he loves them , his whole face brightens up when they visit, its funny how kids can change your whole world with their innocent laughter and cheeky behaviour, he has realised family is everything .... and thats who is supporting him and keeping him in touch with the real world.

Sometimes I feel like a duck in a pond.....looking calm on the outside on top but underneath paddling furiously just to get by, and I do get so tired of it all.

I hope I get my fairy tale ending out of all this, but maybe thats just in books..... 

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Dear July,

Thank you for your kind words. I do enjoy reading your posts and like the way you express yourself through a story and imagery.

As for "people like me",  my life and all of its happenings have shaped the person I am today.

 In a way I have so much love and care to share with others due to the pain and heart aches I have suffered in life.

Some days I feel like my heart is just oozing love for others and I so desperately want to hold onto someone, give them that love and feel a little of it in return.

I do have a couple of close friends I can share my feelings with, but unfortunately my husband no longer seems to need or want my love and nor do his family or most of mine.

Being a part of Beyond Blue is such a blessing to me. There is a whole world of people out there who are accepting of my care and concern and they are not worried about what I might want in return.

It is sad in today's society when you want to do a good deed for someone and people question why.

The other day at the shops a couple of little girls were on one of those $2.00  rides, just sitting there pretending it was working. I stood at a distance from the older child and asked where her Mum was.

Mum raced over with a concerned look on her face and I asked her if I could put some money in the machine so her girls could have a ride. She looked me up and down a few times and asked if her girls had requested the money.

I told her that I don't have any children and I would just like to see the happiness on her children's faces, just like when my nieces were young and I used to take them to the shops for a ride as well. She smiled and said that was okay.

I put the money in the machine and walked a short distance away and just watched for a while. It brought joy and heart ache at the same time.

I'm sure there are many times in your day when you think of your son and have very mixed emotions as well.

Thinking of you, from Lauren

[A_Tech]

Hi Anne,

Im sorry to hear about your back pain, I can't imagine what that must be like!

Working in anaesthetics I was often involved with the Pain Management Team, so I did see first hand some of the agonising pain that people go through, it's heartbreaking to watch when there is little you can do to truely help.

My brother is also like your son, he loves working in the kitchen. We too thought that he would have pursued this as a career, but he's been in and out of prison a few times, more minor charges, but has always had a huge chip on his shoulder towards the world.

In the 2yrs he's been on remand this time, he got a kitchen job straight away and for the past year has been one of only a few that they select and train up to work on processing new inmates. He usually does the afternoon shift so he can still work in the kitchen in the mornings. It's so weird to think that when he was outside, he didn't want to work and now all he does is work! I think keeping busy keeps his mind of off all that is coming.

I haven't been in to see him for 2 weeks since my car accident, he was due to see his lawyer a few days later at my request and I'm a bit concerned that I hadn't heard from either of them.

Im going to see him on Monday, so hopefully I'm overreacting as usual!!! 

4 weeks to go until trial starts and apart from feeling a bit nervous, I feel a strange sense of calm. The last 2 years I've been in turmoil, but now I know there is nothing more I can do except be there every day to support him, which I will be. My husband and dad will also be right there with me, so he can see that no matter what, we love him.

Being in touch with his lawyers is both good and bad. It's somewhat comforting to know what's actually going on, but at the same time, sometimes I wish I didn't know so much. Maybe then I would have nightmares. 

We also got devastating news this week, that our Aunty, the only one that we've really been close too (especially me, we're very close) she has terminal cancer and at best has 4-6 months left. I'm still so numb.

Well, let's all keep our chins up, we don't really have any other choice!!!

Thinking of you all  xxxxx

[A_Tech]

Hi July,

How are you? I've been thinking about you the last week or so, I'm sorry I haven't replied to your last post yet, things have been chaos!

Have you returned to work yet? Over a 2 year period I had at least 3 times of extended leave (around the 2-3 months each time) but each time I returned, so did the stress and symptoms.

I also only told my manager when my brother was arrested, as I found out while I was at work. You would think that this type of sensitive personal information, or any personal information, would remain confidential. But not in my department!! I had only been off work for 3 days when I received 2 phone calls from different collegues to see if I was ok because they had heard what had happened. I was horrified!!!

By the time I came back to work 2 weeks later, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY COLLEGUES KNEW!!!! That's about 45-50 people. This sparked a whole other set of issues for me, with my boss and collegues. It's amazing how these people who knew me for 10 years, people that as you know in that type of environment you become a family with, suddenly turned on me. Guilt by association.

By the time I resigned, after exhausting every other possible avenue including my HOD who was 100% supportive, I had to got to HR and my Union regarding my manager. Of course nothing has happened to him except a slap on the hand, he wasnt even made to apologise to me. I could've gone further with the union but just didn't have the strength at the time.

I recently tried to return to work at a non trauma hospital but that failed too. First day I was having panic attacks, I lasted 1 week then ended up in hospital myself.

Please just be careful about how quickly you try to go back. If your having doubts before you've even started, if you can afford too, I would honestly suggest waiting a bit longer. 

Weve had to make a lot of adjustments definitely, but it's been worth it. I'm still no where near ready and I'm glad I can see that in myself.

Take care and I'll talk to you soon xxx

[July]

Hi Donna.

Hope you are doing well, I am due to return to work the roster beginning 20th July, I only work two days a week so I know I shouldn't complain, but as you know working in a hospital is very stressful , so I am going back and see how I go, I do feel stronger but only time will tell, if I take any more leave it will be unpaid.

It doesn't really surprise me about the staff gossiping, as I to had a so called "friend" turn on me after believing someone who told her something "I" had supposedly said, it really hurt me deeply, she knows nothing about my son in prison and I am so glad I never told her, I have not spoken a word to her in nearly a year.....and I don't want to, I reported the incident to my manager and HR and that person who started all the drama got a written warning.

My so called "friend" was "judge, jury and executioner" all in one go and not once came to me and asked me what really was said ,and she did know I had major problems at home ......some friend, I don't need that kind of person in my life, I would never trust her again ever.

Thats why I never told anyone at work about my son, I was already teetering on the edge and I know what people are like tell them one thing and they "run" with it, and I to had people asking me why I wasn't  on the roster, when I was about to take leave, even the cleaner knew! 

If I thought someone had a genuine interest in my wellbeing maybe I could have trusted someone but not now, my faith in people has been sorely tested in my workplace so I can empathise with you, if I go back and can't cope I will just walk out because I know my mental health is more important......no question.

I hope you have a good visit on monday, he will be ok with your love and support because no matter what he is your brother and he needs you to be strong for him, yes the trial will be confronting , but he has to live with the consequences of his actions like my son, and in some ways we live with them to, sad as that is.

We are here for you anytime, so keep in touch and let us know how you and your brother are doing , you are not alone.

Remember "he who has not sinned may cast the first stone", words to live by.

Take care

July

[July]

Hi lauren,

So true ,we are shaped by our "past", I am glad you like reading my posts, our ongoing story of love and commitment  to overcome adversity, maybe my unloved childhood helped me to become strong for my own kids ? I know it has made me love and protect my kids ferociously  to make up for my own emotionally absent mother.

Your story of the little girls on the ride pulled at my heart strings... a small gesture brought happiness to you and them, a bitter sweet memory of what could have been for you, but your kindness to those little girls is priceless and that is a motherly act and maybe one day you will hold your sweet angels again.

There are many times I think of my son, when I wake in the morning and hope he slept well, has a calm mind and happy soul, when I am out and I see someone who looks like my son, when I go to bed at night and I hope he is warm and safe and has made peace with himself and the world, and there is a mum who loves him unconditionally.

Take care

July