Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Doolhof]

Hi A Tech, July and Anne,

I have just popped by to see how you are doing. This is certainly a story I am not at all familiar with. I have only known one person who went to prison and he was a friend of a friend.

I feel so humbled and heart broken as I read your stories. I wish I had the words to convey how much I care for you all with the life journey's you are travelling.

Occasionally I have watched shows on t.v. about people in prison, I especially like the documentaries where prisoners are given the opportunity to make the most of their time by doing things like training guide dogs.

How important that must be for the people to be given an opportunity to do something so beneficial and to have the friendship and love of the dogs.

Why do people end up in prison? I guess the answer to that is a bit like "how long is a piece of string?". I am certainly not judging anyone, as maybe if I had made different choices in my life, it could be me who is in jail.

I'm so pleased you have all found each other here. I can't begin to understand what you are all feeling, and do hope the support and care you feel from each other helps.

Huge hugs to you all, from Mrs. Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you for your post, yes it is a sad situation, that I don't wish anyone to go through, but here I am and so is Anne, two strangers finding a bond that neither of us ever wanted to experience, but knowing someone else can truly  feel your pain is some what reassuring.

I know they have made mistakes and are now paying for them, which they should do, but it so difficult when its your own child, I am to, paying the price which makes me feel isolated at times because the sadness does not go away.

I think people assume everyone in prison is a murderer or something  but there are many people in for much less and unfortunately they are deemed just as bad, which is so unfair, everyone should be judged as an individual.

But I am hopeful when he is released his lesson is learnt, and he appreciates what life has to offer, and to love freedom and the choices that provides, sometimes we don't appreciate things until they are gone. 

I am sure many are reading these posts and are either empathic or sceptical but as I have learnt you must walk in those shoes before judging others and I have always been an empathic and considerate person  (I feel ) but this has taken me to another level and maybe thats lucky that I was that way at the beginning.

Of course I was upset and angry with his choices but I knew I had to put that aside and  help and support him , this has been the ultimate test as a mother, to love and forgive and stand by him.

A few kind words go a long long way .....thankyou.

July 

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi

Yes July, reading your posts is like reading my words, funny that, we are different people but the feelings thoughts and wounds are the same.

During my sons ups and downs I have often spoken with a female police officer, she has helped me a lot, I spoke to her yesterday regarding my sons charges, she says they aren't good and he has stepped it up a level. She was sad for me and him.  She will look at his file and if able will update me.

Mrs Dools, this officer believes as I do that if they can not find employment, which my son couldn't they are more likely to revert to old ways and end up back inside.  My son has limitations to certain types of work from previous injuries which makes it hard for him to find a job. She is going to give me the name of a good rehab and I will keep that if my son ever wants to try going into rehab again.

This has definitely set me back a way, I saw my psychologist yesterday and fell apart, I know my depression has been set back, somehow I have to climb out of the hole I have slipped back into. My psychologist gave me some good strategies which I will use.

I had such hope when my son was released on parole, that lasted 3 months and he failed a drug test, I was crushed.  This time I will take it more slowly and let him know I am there for him if he wants me and leave it up to him.  He is almost 35 a man so I must treat him as such.  Inside me he is my baby but I know the child I brought up no longer exists. He is a changed person and the drugs did that, they are evil and have a very strong hold over my precious boy but only he can change that.

You are so right July, it is different when it is your own child and none can truly understand that but us. And no, not everyone in prison is a mass murderer, some were there because they couldn't pay fines. When you see them in the visitors section they are all the same, eager to see loved ones

I use to look down on prisoners maybe this has been my lesson they are all someone's son, brother, uncle, dad, etc. there is always someone that they love and someone that loves them no matter what they have done.

Hugs

Anne

[July]

Hi anne,

Sorry to hear about the upgraded charges, but remember he did it ,not you, and yes you are so right no matter their age, they are still your baby, my son will be 33 on June 16th, his second birthday in prison, and hopefully his last birthday in" prison".

I have found a different view on prisons as well, there is so much more going on than a "person in prison", their background and history  its so complicated, definitely not a black and white situation, its a whole different world in there, and I have to step in and out of that world its very strange.

My son called me yesterday he will be moving about mid august to do that other required course and then his parole was adjourned till november 30th , the letter said they were waiting for him to complete the second  course, then his parole should be granted, all going well.

I sometimes wonder if I should have trusted someone with my "secret" of my son being in prison, it would have lifted this heavy burden off me somewhat, although I have discussed it here no one in my "real life" knows , except my counsellor , I mean for my friends to know, people that may have helped me...or may have judged me I don't know, I am still debating that issue in my head.

I am writing an email to my boss to let her know I will recommence work on the 20th July and I can feel the anxiety and stress building as I write it, knowing I have to face people again, and not hide away here at home with my feelings , its going to be a huge challenge to go back to the real world and pretend everything's ok, its all a balancing act, hoping I don't fall off that high wire .

But I know I have to push myself forward to start trying to make a somewhat normal life again, if I can survive this traumatic event then I have to give myself some credit, yeah I fell down a few times but I got up, and as they say  "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ".

Take care, all the best.

July

[A_Tech]

Hi July,

Thank you so, so much for responding to me, I'm sure you understand what that means to me!!

 My dad, husband, son and myself are all that my brother has left. We are completely and unconditionally supportive of him and I know that he knows this!

We have six weeks left until his trial starts and I am now starting to 'lose it' so to speak. The situation is also complicated by the fact that I have had to resign from my job due to PTSD, as I was an Anaesthetic Technician in a Major Trauma Hospital for 10 years. Really bad timing hey??

 I have spent the last two years searching for forums that will support the family of the accused and there is absolutely NOTHING out there (except in the U.S.) until I found you guys. I am so grateful!! 😪😪

I know that this is whole process is supposed to be about Peter, but it's just so hard some days. My career was in an operating theatre helping to save lives!!! This is where I struggle. He has confessed completely to me only, because we are so close, about what he did (and yes there was definitely alcohol involved, a 3 day bender to be presise!), 

I struggle every damn day with the knowledge of what he did and yet he is still pleading not guilty, and so we all go to court. How do I face the other family knowing the truth?????

He does have an excellent lawyer who has taken his case on pro bono, but I know that they have bairly spent any time with him. We saw Peter last week and had a very lengthy discussion about his options, where he admitted that if his lawyers spent more than 5 minutes with him, he might consider a plea change. 

I asked his permission first of course and then contacted his lawyer with this information. Now we wait, AGAIN. 

I'm seeing him again tomorrow, so I'm hoping that he's had some contact from the lawyer in regards to my contact. But I doubt it!!

Anyway, thank you again so  much, I really did feel alone. I will keep you updated about both Peter and me.

Thank god for people like you and this forum!!!!!

Talk soon,

Donna   

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July and Donna

July

My son did some courses as well, the first one he did made him realise the damage to me and his brother but later all that seemed to be forgotten.  I don't mean to demean your sons recovery as it sounds like he really wants to go straight where as I always worried about P as sometimes I felt he was saying what I wanted to hear.

I only disclosed to friends that I thought would not judge and would be there for me and so far that has been the case.  My family know and they love P so are behind him, they feel sad for both of us.

I hope you are proven wrong with work and that it all goes well.  You have been to hell and are climbing back the last thing you need is stress with work.

My volunteer job has been a great saviour for me as I have to function and appear like nothing is wrong.  It helps to be distracted and have times where I don't think of my son and all that has happened.

You are strong you can do this. 

Big hugs

Donna

I hope you don't mind me talking to you.

I'm glad your son has your whole family, when my son first went to prison my other son and his father disowned him as did most of his friends.  I was the only one he ever saw.

It is ok to 'lose it' as you say as this is monumental to you, not only does your son become a prisoner you do to in a way.

Maybe you resigning from your job is a good thing as you can concentrate on trying to get through your son's trial without too many distractions, it is going to take all you have and you also need to care for yourself and your family.

It will be hard to face the other family but you didn't do this your son did and the other family know this.  You are a loving mother who would do what most mothers do, support your son. Don't be too hard on yourself Donna.

My son has never told me about his lawyers, I would like to speak to them but can't.

Donna and July we can gain strength in each other from here  on if that is ok Donna.  I am here for you both

I'm struggling but doing the best I can and that is all we can expect of each other.

Until next time.  Thinking of you both

Hugs

Anne

[July]

Hi donna,

I am so glad you have found support here with us, we are getting through this together and there is some relief knowing others can completely relate to this unimaginable pain and anguish of a loved one in prison.

Your feelings toward the up coming trial is so normal , of course you will be scared, anxious and have that gut churning feeling in your stomach, I have never cried so much than sitting there through my sons trial. I felt my whole world was crashing in around me, I know my son was watching me and I could see the distress and pain on his face, even thinking about it now brings up all that emotion.

We also feel guilty in a way even though it was not us committing a crime, because we are involved, but we know that we are not guilty , so we have to hold up our heads and support our loved ones as best as we can.

Your love and support of him is vital in his recovery process and his imprisonment, I really had to put my pride aside during this whole incident, hard as that was, but my life has been deeply affected by all this....no doubt.

I to , know what its like to have a stressful job on top of all this, I work in an emergency dept in a large hospital, and  I have seen it all  ,thats why I had to take three months off work on stress leave , I just couldn't do it all and at the end of the day ...I had to save myself.

I am now in counselling ,I had to reach out for help, strange for me as I am usually the one helping everyone else and thats been hard for me to accept, but I am not above anyone else ,we are all human beings with hearts that can break.

So remember you are not alone, we are here for you anytime and we are travelling this sad journey with you to, so let  us know how you are going.

Take care, be strong.

July

.

[July]

Hi anne,

Yes, I do hope my son honours his word about his recovery, but this will be tested upon his release, and I know its up to him, so I guess I have to have a little faith, if there is a God.......I need him now.

All my worrying is not going to help but as his mum , I can't help thinking he is a grown man with his own free will. I just hope he makes better choices for himself and us.

I am hoping my return to work goes smoothly, it just all the "questions" that will be asked of me, thats what worries me, people will have a natural curiosity about where I have been, and I don't want all those feelings to come up and I get upset and I can't avoid people, it will be a challenge , I am a quiet person and I don't like to be the centre of attention.

I  just like to get on with my work and not get involved with any drama.....I have enough in my own life at this time.

At least here I can discuss my hopes and fears and not be judged, so that is my saviour.

Take care

July

[A_Tech]

Hi Anne,

Of course I don't mind if talk to me, I am actually grateful that everyone here seems to genuinely care!

Just a couple of small things though, Peter is my brother not my son. Although, for most of young teenage years and beyond, I was definitely the mother figure in his life, the only one that seemed to care if he was alive or not .

I knew that I was down as his emergency contact, so even when we didn't know where he was (and that would happen often) at least I had comfort in knowing that as long as the police didn't show up, he was safe!

There are 5 children in our family, I am the only one that DID NOT disown him, including our own mother, who I know you guys may say she had her reasons, she was all in for the first month, then it just got in the way of her own life. Thats how it's always been with her. 

Peter and I are both so glad though, that despite the circumstances, it did bring our dad back to us. When our parents divorced many years ago, I would watch my dad try and try and try, to be civil with her so that he could see us. But she was always so bitter towards him that we suffered.

My husband is the most amazing man and human being that I have ever have the privlidge of knowing. I'm so honered to say that we have been together for 20years this August and are celebrating with a second honeymoon in Hawaii.He has stood by my brother more than his own family! How disgraceful is that? 

Peter does have a history with the police, but without fail, my husband would step up and bail my brother out (even when one time we needed to use our house as surrancy). 

I had a very lengthy talk with his lawyer yesterday (because I want to be involved, obviously permission is needed from Peter first) as his trial starts in six weeks, July 20th. Although he has admitted to me what he did, he always said there were other people involved. The forensic reports that I have copies of also confirm this, which is why I'm so at a loss at to how it's gotten this far with only my brother being charged. Apparently now there is a new witness that has come forward (talk about last minute, this happened just over two years ago!) that supports his version. 

Either way, he is still facing a long sentance, but dad, hubby and I will be there all the way. As for the rest of the family, we haven't spoken in two years, and I will NEVER forgive them for this. Especially considering one of my other brothers was also bailed out by my husband!

I will talk more soon ,

Donna 

[A_Tech]

Hi July,

Wow how uncannily similar are our lives? For me there was no question that the PTSD and anxity had already begun way before my brother got into trouble. He used to sit with me while I cried, until my husband could get home.

The PTSD actually brought them closer together as well, which makes me so happy. Not that they didn't get along, they just led very different lives. I am still stunned that you said you worked in a large ED. Have they been supportive to you?? Perhaps it was different for me due to the charges, but as soon as they became aware of that, is when the support stopped.

I hung in there for two years before eventually having to leave and that was mostly based on the bullying and harassment I was receiving from colleagues.

Peter and my son (18 now) have always completely adored each other! We both go for regular visits, put on our happy and smiling faces for an hour, and just pretend that we're a normal family like we used to be.

Then we go home and I cry quietly and alone (I don't want to ever over burden my son, although he is amazing and always knows, but at 18 he has Uni, work and friends, just how it should be. Not having a neurotic mother to deal with!

I had a visit on Friday with Peter, just me, so we could go over a few things before trial starts. Perhaps that wasn't a good idea when I was feeling a bit low to start with, but I ended up having a very minor car accident going home, because I was just mentally distracted!

Thankfully everyone was ok, but the other car had a 7 yr old in the back seat. Like I said it was minor, low speed, we both were able to drive away,but I became quite historical when I got home (just around the corner) and have barely left my bed since then.

I think it was the possibility of hurting a child maybe? My job was in theatres to help, and this is the first ever accident I've had.

But I'm up now, its just after 5am on Monday morning and I WILL NOT feel sorry for myself anymore. I will call my psychologist, see if she can fit me in early (I may have to walk!!)

But today is a new day and one thing is for sure, Peter would be laughing at me for dwelling over a car, 'as long as no one was hurt' he would say, 'then its just plastic and  metal!'

True words!!!!!

Thank you to every one here, I'm so glad at least there is someone else that understands what we go through.

As my dad says,

Keep Smiling!

Donna xxx